Personality Cafe banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
9w1
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi all… I need help. I hope I'll gain some clarity from you guys on my first potential relationship.

I have never been in a relationship before, so ever since a co-worker/friend has expressed interest in me, I’ve been constantly thinking about him and the situation. It’s been two weeks since I’ve rejected our date, telling him that I need time to think things through because the idea of dating has always made me feel uneasy. He was very understanding and we went back to things as before, except I can’t ignore that I do reciprocate his feelings. We both felt drawn to each other the first time we met, essentially because both of us are curious and openminded individuals. We share similar interests and we can embark on over-the-top Ne convos. Often, somebody else would snap us out of our conversation and that moment would be like being transported back to reality. It's magical! There is also this wonderful dynamic where he would act as the optimist when I’m the pessimist and I, the optimist, when he, the pessimist. The positivity is so energizing!

Yet, foolish mind tells me I might be idealizing, so I’ve been trying hard to see the flaws as well. With him being an extrovert (ENTP) and me an extreme introvert, I’m afraid he’ll be tired of my unavailability. I can be very boring to others as everything I enjoy doing are actually solitary activities. I don’t like going out... even if it's with him. :x I’m also not as quick-witted as him, but he does tell me that I blow his mind with what I say and I sense how genuine he is from the fact he shares my thoughts with his friends.

It’s very flattering, but my insecurities have kept me wanting to impress him all the time now, which I know is counterproductive. I have misgivings that eventually he will understand me so well that nothing I say would be new to him anymore. He says the reason he likes me is because I’m different and I analyze things in interesting ways, but once he understands and becomes used to my difference, won’t I become just another one of his many female friends? If he’s physically attracted to me, then that would be all that’s left drawing him to me, and it’s not a bond I’d like. However, we do share similar interests and we’re embarking on similar paths (I’m an animation student and he’s learning it on his own). It’s just that what sets me apart from his friends may not withstand the test of time, and I’m unsettled by the uncertainty of when he’ll lose interest.

All of this is what made me realize I may not be secure enough to be in a relationship. To be confident in myself and to accept interpersonal losses as a result of incompatibility are what I need to work on before I’m ready for a relationship, it seems… And of course, there is my hopeless introversion. I used to be perfectly fine with the idea of living alone forever...

Then there is my education, and ultimately, what I hope to achieve in life. These take precedence, and I’m afraid trying to "date" will spell out trouble for my goals. On the other hand, I can imagine how happy I would be to love and feel loved, and how this happiness can translate into energy and creativity, fueling my drive rather than dampening it.


I don’t know!!! Am I overthinking or am I truly not ready? Thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,225 Posts
First of all the editing you put on your text is horrible to read.

I think you're overthinking things and that you should give it a shot. The things is with dating and relationships is you can't know it'll work before you try. As you gain experience you will see what doesn't work and what does for you faster. But before that point there is no way to really know. You seem to have a connection and like this guy. Go for it.

Furthermore the only way you can work on those things you mention is by actually going out there and doing things. If your issue is dealing with loss then... well, dealing with loss is how you learn to do that.

I hope everything goes well for you!

One thing though. Watch out for the Fi-Fe incompatibility. It'll take a lot for you guys figure that stuff out. I'm sure it can be figured out though and that it'd be very rewarding if you did!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,785 Posts
You dont need to date anyone so dont if you arent sure you like them, cause usually it's a waste of time.
I think if you have a bunch of other hobbies you prioritise over a relationship then maybe it would be best to explain this? You kind of have to sort out time allocation to things, which does mean engaging in relationship activities. You could always ask him what he expects from a relationship (but in a smoother way).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
It doesn't matter what type of personality you are. You need to understand that being in a relationship one of the hardest things you can do; it's about compromising, forgiving, knowing that love is a choice (not just a mushy-gooshie feeling), etc.

Talk to him in what he's wanting to get out of this relationship; does he just want a fascinating mind with sex on the side, or does he treasure you? What are his beliefs? What's important to him in life?

Asking if he'll meet your parents is a great way to see how serious/respectful he is.

Idk, you could just jump in. I got along with 5 different guys through jr. high & high school & when they asked me out I said I couldn't until I was 18 because I wasn't mature enough. But it would be great if we remained friends till then. Never heard from them again.

It's just, you never know about these things...
In the end, the choice is all up to you.

Did this help/make things more complicated (sorry!)? Oh & I've never been in a romantic relationship so what do I know
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,255 Posts
If wait until you are ready for a relationship, you'll never be in one. Most of the time they are train wrecks so what have you got to lose by trying? If it becomes a train wreck that would hardly be unusual. If it doesn't, congratulations you've beaten the odds!
 

·
Registered
9w1
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
First of all the editing you put on your text is horrible to read.

I think you're overthinking things and that you should give it a shot. The things is with dating and relationships is you can't know it'll work before you try. As you gain experience you will see what doesn't work and what does for you faster. But before that point there is no way to really know. You seem to have a connection and like this guy. Go for it.

Furthermore the only way you can work on those things you mention is by actually going out there and doing things. If your issue is dealing with loss then... well, dealing with loss is how you learn to do that.

I hope everything goes well for you!

One thing though. Watch out for the Fi-Fe incompatibility. It'll take a lot for you guys figure that stuff out. I'm sure it can be figured out though and that it'd be very rewarding if you did!
Thanks! Yeah, I realize I overthink everything and I often end up doing nothing because of it. It's weird how people will continue doing things that don't serve them well.

I'm just curious... what exactly is horrible? o.o;;

Also, it's nice you remind me of the Fi-Fe incompatibility! I should do more research on it. I've read about it before and it explained so many of the conflicts I've had with the people closest to me. It can be so alienating and frustrating to grow up with people using Fe, but because I've had to live with this all my life, it's something I've accepted and somewhat adapted to. Hopefully, if Fi-Fe conflicts ever come up, I'll get the chance to tell him about the cognitive functions. Woot woot!

The few times I remember projecting Fi, he was very understanding. He often tries to understand where I come from and he's one of the rare few who doesn't make me feel like I'm crazy and that's why I like him.

You dont need to date anyone so dont if you arent sure you like them, cause usually it's a waste of time.
I think if you have a bunch of other hobbies you prioritise over a relationship then maybe it would be best to explain this? You kind of have to sort out time allocation to things, which does mean engaging in relationship activities. You could always ask him what he expects from a relationship (but in a smoother way).
Your input has actually gotten me wondering, what if it's not a waste of time? @[email protected] What if a whole new world opens up for me? What if it becomes life-changing? So much that it's worth putting everything else to the side meanwhile...?

Hmmm, I've been meaning to ask him, actually... I just didn't know if it's too early to ask... Do you think it's okay to just ask him bluntly? I've been blunt with him in the past and things went pretty well, from what I could tell. I personally appreciate direct honesty and transparent communication even if topics make me feel uncomfortable and I'm actually terrified of the reactions. On the other hand, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, too... How do you think I can ask in a smoother way?

It doesn't matter what type of personality you are. You need to understand that being in a relationship one of the hardest things you can do; it's about compromising, forgiving, knowing that love is a choice (not just a mushy-gooshie feeling), etc.

Talk to him in what he's wanting to get out of this relationship; does he just want a fascinating mind with sex on the side, or does he treasure you? What are his beliefs? What's important to him in life?

Asking if he'll meet your parents is a great way to see how serious/respectful he is.

Idk, you could just jump in. I got along with 5 different guys through jr. high & high school & when they asked me out I said I couldn't until I was 18 because I wasn't mature enough. But it would be great if we remained friends till then. Never heard from them again.

It's just, you never know about these things...
In the end, the choice is all up to you.

Did this help/make things more complicated (sorry!)? Oh & I've never been in a romantic relationship so what do I know
I think all feedback is food for thought, so thank you very much for your help. :3 I agree that personality type is not everything and that relationships require those things you list because it's also what I have observed from my parents' marriage. It's a sad because neither refuse to compromise nor forgive. One of them doesn't see their relationship as a set of problems that require team effort to tackle (not future-oriented at all) and the other is unkind. I think if two people are kind and focused on a better future for each other, any two personality type can make things work. Probably some pairings will have more difficulties than others though, so patience also factors in.

I have some insight on his beliefs and values as well as his outlook on life, and I admire him when he talks about them, but I've just never broached the subject of relationships just because part of me is so scared. I would be so happy if he would be the one to initiate it though...

Also, I think it's admirable for you to tell those guys that you weren't mature enough for relationships and that you wish to remain friends... I was so ungraceful and immature then (not proud, but I literally ran off and ignored them after).

If wait until you are ready for a relationship, you'll never be in one. Most of the time they are train wrecks so what have you got to lose by trying? If it becomes a train wreck that would hardly be unusual. If it doesn't, congratulations you've beaten the odds!
Haha, I don't know if most relationships end up as train wrecks, but maybe they wouldn't be trainwrecks if we were to do more research and careful analysis before getting into something as complicated as this thing... though, even then, there's a possibility of everything going wrong because life can be unpredictable like that.

I also struggle in normal social situations and this other day, someone told me I remind them of an android who's trying to learn how to be human and is getting there, but not quite. I'm afraid if I'm not even getting the normal social stuff yet, something as complicated as dating would be way too challenging for me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Tad Cooper

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,225 Posts
Thanks! Yeah, I realize I overthink everything and I often end up doing nothing because of it. It's weird how people will continue doing things that don't serve them well.

I'm just curious... what exactly is horrible? o.o;;

Also, it's nice you remind me of the Fi-Fe incompatibility! I should do more research on it. I've read about it before and it explained so many of the conflicts I've had with the people closest to me. It can be so alienating and frustrating to grow up with people using Fe, but because I've had to live with this all my life, it's something I've accepted and somewhat adapted to. Hopefully, if Fi-Fe conflicts ever come up, I'll get the chance to tell him about the cognitive functions. Woot woot!

The few times I remember projecting Fi, he was very understanding. He often tries to understand where I come from and he's one of the rare few who doesn't make me feel like I'm crazy and that's why I like him.
The editing was really hard on the eyes to read.

Think less, do more. But then also be ready to stop doing when you see it's not good for you. Only commit after you see it can work. That's what i try to do.

The most important thing when dealing with Fi-Fe conflict is to remind yourself that the other person is likely just as frustrated and bewildered as you. Also, they are equally right. It's mostly about values and opinions when that conflict arises. In that arena there is no right and wrong. So both parties in such a conflict need to be able to put themselves in the others shoes. Accept the difference. Learn to like it.

Also, protip for heavy Fi-users dating Fe using Ts. We too have valid emotions and opinions. We're not robots, we're not sociopaths, we're not unfeeling or cold. We're just different. So please, have some understanding. ( This is not aimed towards you OP i just went off on a tangent )
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,428 Posts


quixotis said:
We both felt drawn to each other the first time we met, essentially because both of us are curious and openminded individuals. We share similar interests and we can embark on over-the-top Ne convos. Often, somebody else would snap us out of our conversation and that moment would be like being transported back to reality. It's magical!

There is also this wonderful dynamic where he would act as the optimist when I’m the pessimist and I, the optimist, when he, the pessimist. The positivity is so energizing!
N + N, that's really important. Keep that in mind for the future.

Then there is my education, and ultimately, what I hope to achieve in life. These take precedence, and I’m afraid trying to "date" will spell out trouble for my goals. On the other hand, I can imagine how happy I would be to love and feel loved, and how this happiness can translate into energy and creativity, fueling my drive rather than dampening it.
A relationship isn't a marriage. It's up to you two how you like your relationship. You don't have to live together, you don't have to discuss the details of daily life. But you need the desire to understand the core of the other person, to nourish it and to deal with the problematic differences (E/I and T/F). It is also helpful to be aware of the respective Enneagram types.

ENTP is a very adaptable type. Make your that your boyfriend understands how INFPs work and especially what drives them mad.

Fernando Pessoa: The value of things is not the time they last, but the intensity with which they occur. That is why there are unforgettable moments and unique people!
Relationships are adventures. Love comes and goes; you climb a mountain of joy but you have to descend as well, which can be extremely demanding. But losses of all kinds are experiences you need to become an adult.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
If you have to ask if you're ready.. Chances are you're probably not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,350 Posts
If wait until you are ready for a relationship, you'll never be in one. Most of the time they are train wrecks so what have you got to lose by trying? If it becomes a train wreck that would hardly be unusual. If it doesn't, congratulations you've beaten the odds!
You should be a motivational speaker.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,157 Posts
If wait until you are ready for a relationship, you'll never be in one. Most of the time they are train wrecks so what have you got to lose by trying? If it becomes a train wreck that would hardly be unusual. If it doesn't, congratulations you've beaten the odds!
You remind me of the "emoes" in this clip.

 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top