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Discussion Starter #1
Hey!
I need some advice, cause I'm really confused.
Before I get into it I have to say that admittedly I'm not always the luckiest in friendships, people have dropped me before and I didn't even get a reason why? But I feel it has always been my fault?
But I'm worried I may have done something wrong here. Ever since I was a kid my friend (Will call her Jessy) have been close. Even though she moved away when I was seven, we would still keep in touch and skype whenever we could. And when I was fifteen Jessy moved back and we began to hang out again. And everything was the way it always was and suddenly she changed and I feel I ruined our friendship.
For a backstory, at the time I was going through a bit of a hard place with depression and loneliness as another friend of mine that I was close with moved away and suddenly blocked me out of the blue, I haven't talked to her since. So I wasn't in the best frame of mind and was a bit of a bummer. Also, just for context Jessy is three years older than me.
When Jessy moved back I was really happy at the time, we hung out more than ever. But she started to act kinda weird, especially when we were in a group with our brothers, there friends, and other people.
When we would be at a party talking to a guy friend she would tell embarrassing stories about me as a kid, that she would embellish to make them sound even worse. And I didn't understand why she couldn't be jealous of me because all these guys were 20-25 and I was only fifteen, and she was nineteen at the time. So I didn't understand why. Another example is when we went to an amusement park with some friends and the whole time she kept me an arm's length from my guy friends. She would leave the lines early with them and leave me all alone. So the whole day I was kind of on my own the whole day. And on top of that, she told the guys the private information for my depression and loneliness I told her in confidence.
She did this for the few years she lived never me before moving away from the summer of last year.
And last winter I went to visit her in New York and I was so excited to see her again. (Keep in mind during this time I was no longer as depressed and lonely as I once was. I was finally feeling like myself and had reached my true happiness) We hung out and she wasn't acting weird anymore, I help her work on her house and we had amazing cocktail movie nights together. But when we hung out with people she was strange again. When getting to know new people she drowned me out, ignore my speech, and me all together at times. I brushed it off and when I finally went home felt like I had a good time with my old friend.
Flash forward to a week ago and were face-timing a bunch of friends and having a great time. I made a sarcastic joke about my previous place to employment before COVID, and I didn't think I offended her. But she said I was a heartless person, I thought she was joking, but she wasn't. And I couldn't help but feel like crap. Was she right? I'm really a bad person? What did I do to make her suddenly hate me?

I'm so confused, I thought we were friends, we always have fun. But now I'm not so sure. Is it my fault?

(Sorry this is so long)
 

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Uh.. I'm stumped. Since I can only imagine it through your prose, your friend sounds like she was jealous around you, especially around guys. She seems to make you quite hurt. Granted, we all will hurt each other with what we say or what we don't say, but at someplace, we draw a line. That line is how much we will take. If she is open for dialogue, that might be the best, perhaps your friendship can be restored and she will work on fixing herself. Or maybe something else is wrong, can't know until you talk. Or maybe you already know.

This line strikes me as odd: "...suddenly she changed and I feel I ruined our friendship. "
I don't see the connection between her changing, and you being the one to blame. My wild guess is that you said something hurtful to her during your depression, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm only limited in what I can read after all, and it will only be from your perspective. It'll be up to you to weigh the value of your friendship and to decide your decisions. You will choose correctly.

"A true friend shows love at all times and is a brother who is born for distress."
 

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The opposite of love is indifference, not hate.

If she hates you, then you must have been quite important to her and she must have valued you highly at one point, but somehow, you've ended up hurting her and she lost trust in you.

It sounds like she has been holding a grudge against you, ever since that time when you were depressed. Not sure what you did or said to her during your depression, but it seems to have pushed her away forever and she has difficulty trusting you ever since.

As an Fe type, I find that Fi types can sometimes hurt other people's feelings without being aware of it themselves.
 
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It sounds like she has been holding a grudge against you, ever since that time when you were depressed. Not sure what you did or said to her during your depression, but it seems to have pushed her away forever and she has difficulty trusting you ever since.
yeah agreed - if trust is lost then it's probably irreparable. Personally, after I lose trust in someone I almost never trust them again afterward
 

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It seems like your friends has her own issues to sort out.

She also clearly makes you feel worse after everytime you see her, and she is clearly getting more out of this relationship than you are.
In fact, she gets to use you as a scapegoat for her own insecurities, and you are just taking it, and then blaming yourself afterwards.

Honestly, you may very well be the one to blame for all I know. But she isn't making that clear, and she isn't being upfront with you. That is on her.
I can tell you are a decent person, as a person who is selfish in nature wouldn't be questioning their perspective on the issue.
And because I think you are a decent person, I think you should break off this friendship. There are probably a lot more people out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
 

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It sounds like she's being competitive when you're with other people, she wants to make you look worse and herself better. There's not enough information to say if you've done something in your relationship to make her feel bad, but usually in such cases it's due to issues the person has and not really something the other is doing, particularly it's probably that she feels insecure for some reason, maybe she thinks you are more attractive or that the guys will find you more attractive and she'll miss out on some sexual status. I had a friend like that in middle school it was insufferable.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
This line strikes me as odd: "...suddenly she changed and I feel I ruined our friendship. "
I don't really know how to explain it to be honest, and I'm not trying to make myself look like the victim in any way. I remember being really close with her when I was little, I looked up to her in every way and in some ways I still do. But when she moved back into my life she didn't seem to have time for me. Even when she invited me over, she would leave me to hang out with better people. I don't know if I was just a total bummer to be around or if we just grew apart. Her family is a close family friend so I can really drop her, cause shell always be in my life.
And she texts me all the time and it's fun. But, I don't know why it feels like my head's all messed up!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
. I had a friend like that in middle school it was insufferable.
I'm sorry about your friend, that sucks.


maybe she thinks you are more attractive or that the guys will find you more attractive and she'll miss out on some sexual status.
The thing is she kinda already knows guys don't run at me. Like I've had one boyfriend my entire life. I can't help that I just don't experience a lot of people hitting on me and asking for my number so I don't know why she would. And she's had a ton of boyfriends
 

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I'm sorry about your friend, that sucks.



The thing is she kinda already knows guys don't run at me. Like I've had one boyfriend my entire life. I can't help that I just don't experience a lot of people hitting on me and asking for my number so I don't know why she would. And she's had a ton of boyfriends
Those things are not exactly rational and don't exactly depend on what you're actually doing. If the person is insecure and prone to perceive you as a threat to their sexual/social score they may behave in such ways. One can have many boyfriends and be confident, but another does it out of insecurity, because it makes them feel worthy if they have attentions from others. This doesn't stem from you.
Sometimes, especially with people we know as children things may be a little different than we understood, bonds are not that strong even if it felt like they were, due to sharing fun moments. I suggest you try and re-establish some boundaries with this person either directly or indirectly. Are you responding with amusement (even if fake) to her jabs at you in public?
 

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It might be best to just see what's going on for what it is, and limit your expectations accordingly. You might nev^ learn why - unless you want to ask her to sit down and level with you. But even if you do, what you learn from it would be determined by how much insight she even has into her own motivations, as well as her willingness to disclose any of it to you.

It sounds confusing and hurtful, and she does seem to me to be showing off at your expense. If you make your own determination on how much you're prepared to expect, you regain a little agency in the relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Are you responding with amusement (even if fake) to her jabs at you in public?
It used to bother me a lot, and she would do it so often I didn't know what to make of it. It made me feel really insecure, because she would tell this embarrassing stories, or even ones I'm not proud of because of the way I acted. I wasn't happy with them being said or myself. But it's been happening so long I've given up defending myself and just smile or laugh through it
 

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It used to bother me a lot, and she would do it so often I didn't know what to make of it. It made me feel really insecure, because she would tell this embarrassing stories, or even ones I'm not proud of because of the way I acted. I wasn't happy with them being said or myself. But it's been happening so long I've given up defending myself and just smile or laugh through it
yea I'd say this behavior is a form of bullying and your mistake is probably in thinking this person is a friend to begin with, especially if you've shown you are not comfortable with it and she keeps doing it
 

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Discussion Starter #14
yea I'd say this behavior is a form of bullying and your mistake is probably in thinking this person is a friend to begin with, especially if you've shown you are not comfortable with it and she keeps doing it
I feel a lot better knowing that other people and you yourself know what I'm talking about and I really appreciate your support.
 

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I don't really know how to explain it to be honest, and I'm not trying to make myself look like the victim in any way. I remember being really close with her when I was little, I looked up to her in every way and in some ways I still do. But when she moved back into my life she didn't seem to have time for me. Even when she invited me over, she would leave me to hang out with better people. I don't know if I was just a total bummer to be around or if we just grew apart. Her family is a close family friend so I can really drop her, cause shell always be in my life.
And she texts me all the time and it's fun. But, I don't know why it feels like my head's all messed up!
No, I get it, and from what I can judge from your character, I don't think you would make yourself out to be a victim anyway.

It doesn't seem like she makes you feel valued, especially if she isn't giving you her time. Even if you were a total bummer to be around, it would not excuse her behavior towards you. You would try not to reveal embarrassing things your acquaintances told you in confidence, and so I think it's fair to expect even more from our friends. Since you can't really drop her, it really might be good to talk it over with her, maybe something can be repaired. And if not, well you did your part and you tried your best.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
No, I get it, and from what I can judge from your character, I don't think you would make yourself out to be a victim anyway.

It doesn't seem like she makes you feel valued, especially if she isn't giving you her time. Even if you were a total bummer to be around, it would not excuse her behavior towards you. You would try not to reveal embarrassing things your acquaintances told you in confidence, and so I think it's fair to expect even more from our friends. Since you can't really drop her, it really might be good to talk it over with her, maybe something can be repaired. And if not, well you did your part and you tried your best.
You might be right I think I just need to talk to her. The last time I brought up how I didn't appreciate the stories she would tell she said is was just because I didn't like being called out. Which is true, I don't want stories of me being a terrible person circling around because I'm not that person anymore
 

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She’s 4 years older than you are - could it be a sibling relationship that you’re clinging onto ? Since you’ve known her your entire life.
I don’t think you’re to blame for anything - this person wants you around when she’s bored /lonely and then neglects you when she’s surrounded by others . It’s hard for me to imagine any good coming from this relationship- however at the end of the day it should be you to decide on whether you want to keep her in your life or not ...
Perhaps make a pro vs con list
What do you like about her ? Why do you want to keep this friendship?
How does she think of you? Has she ever been there for you or stood up for you ? Do you trust in her ?


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All of this sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship. If it was me and I wouldn't be seeing that person anymore, I would think of it as something good and move on. She'd be around in your life still from what you say, but she doesn't have to be kept so close and that's ok. There doesn't seem to be enough respect for you from her side, she seems to have her own issues. I understand that you may feel like you want to connect the past and present, but you shouldn't blame yourself if it doesn't work out. People come and go, they change, that's life.
 
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