[NotaPrettyGirl]

I find it difficult to express my feelings face-to-face, so I am using this forum. My girlfriend and I broke up almost 5 years ago (after a 3.5 years together). I've moved to a new country for 2 years, yet I constantly think of her and abuse myself by listening to music as a reminder. I overplay "Grey" by Ani Difranco (I'm listening to now) and cannot stop dwelling on what I did wrong. The relationship was not great, but I was submissive to her every need, rarely sharing my thoughts, feelings, beliefs. As I read more and more about INFJs, I wonder if I'm the only one in Nirvana?! I've had several relationships since her, but nothing compares. I try to explain this to others, yet no one seems to understand. I'm hoping (maybe) someone of my same traits has been through this? Sorry, had to rant and rave; keeping all inside is no longer moot for me and I feel as if I'm going to burst. I do not drunk dial her or contact her. I certainly would never tell her I love her, in fear of rejection. Am I nuts?

 

[penchant]

I find it difficult to express my feelings face-to-face, so I am using this forum. My girlfriend and I broke up almost 5 years ago (after a 3.5 years together). I've moved to a new country for 2 years, yet I constantly think of her and abuse myself by listening to music as a reminder. I overplay "Grey" by Ani Difranco (I'm listening to now) and cannot stop dwelling on what I did wrong. The relationship was not great, but I was submissive to her every need, rarely sharing my thoughts, feelings, beliefs. As I read more and more about INFJs, I wonder if I'm the only one in Nirvana?! I've had several relationships since her, but nothing compares. I try to explain this to others, yet no one seems to understand. I'm hoping (maybe) someone of my same traits has been through this? Sorry, had to rant and rave; keeping all inside is no longer moot for me and I feel as if I'm going to burst. I do not drunk dial her or contact her. I certainly would never tell her I love her, in fear of rejection. Am I nuts?

You are definitely not nuts! It is very much normal to be grieving if you have been let down or disappointed. In my experience, being very self-conscious and idealistic can make it hard to move on after things come falling down. I can very much identify with having a hard time expressing feelings, and have also seen how detrimental this can be to relationships, and in my marriage I easily fall into the same trap of being very self-denying, instead of being able to share my feelings.

I went through a few relationships before getting married, and there is one girl in particular that I keep thingking about at times, and wondering what might have been. Our relationship didn't last very long, but long enough for me to build up this image of what it would be like to live our lives together. I still long for someone to understand me as fully as I felt she did (I'm certain she is also an INFJ) and the only one I have met that seemed to connect on that level. For me the key is remembering that what I am mourning is not only missing the time we had together but also the picture in my head of what our lives would be in the future.

I don't know if you do that too, but for me some of the pain also comes from thinking that I should have done things differently, and recalling situations that I now feel I did not handle properly, and I can be very critical of myself. If so, please try to remember that you were only one part in the relationship, and that you are not responsible for how things turned out, and that things can go wrong, even if you yourself do everything right.

I hope this helps you...

 

[NotaPrettyGirl]

Thank you for the insight!! Perhaps I'm so upset because she doesn't want me in her life, at all, even though she "loves me". Sigh...

 

[ertertwert]

I just went through this as well when I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years. Looking back is just another way of holding yourself back.

 

[NotaPrettyGirl]

Hmm..Well, not that I'm necessarily looking, but I'm in Beijing now and not too many of my type here. It sucks, though, eh?

 

[ertertwert]

Most assuredly. Nothing hurts more than losing your best friend. But not all friends make good lovers.

 

[NotaPrettyGirl]

Most assuredly. Nothing hurts more than losing your best friend. But not all friends make good lovers.

Indeed.............