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Here’s a strange experience I had on the weekend. It’s a bit of a warning for everyone out there. However, what’s interesting for this forum is how my ISFJ boyfriend (let’s call him Spaceboy) responded to it all.

Friday evening a male friend of mine asked me out for a drink. I’ve known this guy for a long time, over 15 years. I’d considered him a trusted friend. This friend is married, expecting his first child soon. A few years ago, before he was married and well before I’d met Spaceboy, this friend and I had a brief relationship that ended on amicable terms.

Spaceboy was having drinks with his colleagues, so he and I agreed we’d meet up later in the evening. My friend and I had a few drinks in a bar close to where I live. I drank champagne. After the second drink, I realised I’d left my phone in my flat and went to get it in case Spaceboy called. About an hour later, he did indeed call, and came over to the bar. I made the introductions since they didn't know each other, then my friend left and Spaceboy and I headed back to my flat together.

Here’s where it all gets strange. I woke up the next morning and Spaceboy had left for home. I wasn’t hungover but I remembered very little from the night before. I thought I must have drunk quite a lot, though later I tallied up that I’d had 6 glasses of champagne the entire evening. Maybe that’s a lot for some people, but I don’t ordinarily have trouble drinking that amount of champagne and definitely would not have had a memory black-out. I sent Spaceboy a text saying that I felt like I’d drunk a lot since I didn’t remember all of what happened. I wasn’t overly worried but wasn’t entirely happy either.

Spaceboy came over that evening and seemed a bit subdued. Eventually he asked me if I remembered what I’d said to him the previous evening. I said no. Apparently, I’d said some excruciatingly awful things, repeated them many times and verbally threatened him. I also said some extreme sexual things like suggesting things that I would like to do with my friend. I was appalled. I had NO memory of any of those statements. I then for the first time came to the full realisation that I did not actually recall anything clearly from the time I left the bar. The few memories I had were in pieces. I did not even remember getting back to the flat together with Spaceboy. I did not remember any conversation he and I had. I felt terrible. I started to apologise and then the truth hit me. Now, I am not the sort of person who makes excuses for my bad behaviour, but it was clear something funny had happened with my friend at the bar.

I don’t think Spaceboy really wants to dwell on what happened. Being an ISFJ he wants to just “move on”. He accepted my explanation that I couldn’t remember saying those things and we had a very tender and close evening just making each other feel better. But in the meantime I wanted to analyse the situation. I KNOW I would not normally act that way and went to get tests done at a public hospital as soon as I could the following morning because I am convinced my “friend” slipped me something. However, the tests were inconclusive (36 hours had passed and they didn’t test for the substance that I believe would have had that effect on me).

I am fortunate I have an ISFJ partner who is focussed on making me feel better, but this has been a very intense and unsettling experience. My sense of independence as an INTJ has taken a bit of a battering and I am just trying to stay positive. In the meantime, all Spaceboy has done today is send me supportive messages. I will aim to do the same for him. I love him and only have feelings for him. I will go nowhere near my “friend” from now on and will watch when I drink with anyone in the future.

I wonder how other ISFJs would have handled this kind of thing? Spaceboy has been amazing. I just hope he is not harbouring secret doubts or suspicions. I just can’t bear him thinking that I meant all those awful things I said when I was in a state I just can’t remember being in.
 

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I'm so sorry that happened to you. That happened to a friend of mine after a college party and I remember how scary it was for her... she became someone else in the span of an hour and remembered none of it. She is now scared to go out unless with female friends.

The fact is, you weren't yourself when this happened, so I would find it incredibly unfair to take offense over it or dwell on it. I would try to be supportive considering how unsettling that experience would be. I can understand being hurt though and if I were in his place, I think I would be wondering if these things were actually true since inhibitions were gone.
 

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I think I would have handled it in a similar way that he did.


I think if he trusts you and loves you, then he's probably not harboring any negative feelings. He knows you weren't in the right state of mind and that this was just a bad experience. He probably is just fine moving on from it.


I think it would be different if this kind of thing happened consistently. In general ISFJs tend to stick with what's consistent and tend to expect that to keep happening....we don't often dwell on the outliers.
 

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Seconding (thirding?) the others. I tend to want to work through things pretty thoroughly, but if he's already accepted the explanation, then odds are he's satisfied with that. If he were dwelling on it, you'd know.
 

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Wow, so sorry! Sounds like a very scary situation. Since I'm a female ISFJ, it's a tad harder to put myself in your BF's place. I think the history of your relationship is what will be the most important factor though. Like @teddy564339 said, ISFJ's tend to stick with things and expect consistency. If you have always been open and honest with each other and he's never had a reason to doubt before, this shouldn't give him any reason to. If something like that occurred with my SO, I wouldn't let it erode our relationship. I'd probably just want to forget about it as well.
 
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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you everybody for the sympathy, reassurance and kind words. I spoke with Spaceboy about it some more yesterday and explained to him that I am convinced my drink was spiked and I am upset by the thought. I know my own mind and body and their limits, and it bothers me to have a whole chunk missing from my memory.

Spaceboy became concerned about me but we firmly drew a line under it. In a weird way, it has brought us closer. It has reinforced what a special man he is. I am deeply grateful for his compassion and kindness. He is truly a keeper.

As for that creep, he contacted me today to ask me how my weekend went. I have decided not to engage in any contact or conversation with him ever again except to tell him to stay away from me if he persists.
 

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I would have handled it the same way. However; I will never forget how the incident made me feel. Something like that gets stored away into the database of what is called "relationship with gigi." Even though it is something stored away, life does move on and later down the road all the positives of your relationship will dissipate the negative. If your relationship goes sour, it will resurface like it was there all along. (I think this is true for pretty much any MBTI.)
 
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