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I just had my mom test to find out what she was. She discovered her type to be ENFJ. After reading the descriptions and characterisitics, I'm a little surprised. All I've read are good things (caring, giver, outgoing, charming, etc) Maybe it's her relationship with me or maybe it's one of those cases where how she perceives herself is totally different from how she acts? I don't know...

To me, she comes off as very cold sometimes. Since I've known her (my whole life haha) she's never once tried to engage in conversation about anything I like. At all. Not even asking me what I'm interested in. The most she's ever done is ask me what I want for Christmas growing up - she'd have me and my sister make lists of things (I'd usually ask for books, movies, cds, instruments) but she never bothered to ask why these particular books, movies, etc were important to me.

She is very outgoing, so I can see the extroversion. But she doesn't seem intuitive at all. She's very emotional but mostly about things that involve her (i.e. she isn't one to get too worked up about a crisis going on in a foreign country, where as I usually do)

Honestly, growing up, she's always seemed cold towards me. This doesn't sound like an ENFJ from all the descriptions I've read. I'm confused. Anyone care to tell me if this is possible for an ENFJ mother to be cold and almost unloving towards her INFP daughter? :frustrating: And maybe what I can do to break through this barrier and actually get her to listen to me (which she NEVER does... even when I try to reach out to her :sad:)
 

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Well, we don't know the whole story here, maybe she has had her own problems to deal with that may have influenced her behaviour, her own insecurities or emotional stress. Have you ever tried to tell her how you feel? I know it's hard for an INFP to do that, since we are introverted.
 
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Not knowing th whole situation, and only going off of what you say, she doesn't sound like an ENFJ. That seems to be your real question. It is possible for anyone to mistype, especailly if they don't see themselves clearly. Sometimes people end up typeing themselves by what they wish they were instead of what they actually are. It's also possible she is an ENFJ, but, for whatever reason, isn't acting the part.

Since you doubt her type: what would you type her as?
 

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I would've thought she was an ESFJ... And yes, in the past she had a lot going on with my biological dad that has made her more insecure and emotionally unstable at times.

She is a huge giver - as far as money and material items go. The best example I can think to justify this with is I recently told her I was feeling extremely depressed and even contemplated suicide. Her response was "Oh stop talking like that!" and "You need to get a 2nd job so you have more money, then you won't be so whatever!" when my feelings of depression have nothing to do with money or a job (ironically enough, I was happier when I was broke and unemployed) :frustrating:

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "not knowing the whole situation"? That's pretty much the whole thing right there. We don't have much of a relationship because anytime I try to tell her what's going on with me - good or bad - it's always a response like the ones above. So I keep my distance, emotionally speaking.
 

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I've been living with an ENFJ for four years now, so maybe I can offer a little bit of insight.

The ENFJ I live with is a pretty typical ENFJ, a giver for sure. But although she cares and does backflips caring for other people, she does not ask me what I think about things, and does not seem to show the same "giving" care for me. At the same time though, I know she really cares about me because she tells me everything -she- thinks, something she wouldn't do to others unless she really trusted them. She doesn't really like to be questioned and asked about various things in her life though, so I just have to be open to whenever she offers her opinion to me. Typically I'm the one who has to tell her what I think as well, then she'll digest it and perhaps respond to me.

So perhaps when your mother gets emotional over certain topics, she's letting you know how she feels about things. She may not be giving back to you in certain ways, such as asking how you think or feel about things, but she might not be the type of person to like that. Those things could possibly even make her feel uncomfortable. Again, this is all just based off the ENFJ I know.

The ENFJ I live with is also incredibly dense and doesn't seem to pick up on intuitive hints, (even though she thinks of herself as very intuitive, which I find funny...) so I practically have to just tell her what I'm thinking if I think she doesn't get it. Personally, in living with 'my' ENFJ, I've had to pretty continually take the first step. Basically our conversations typically go something like this. I talk, she listens, the end. She tells me her opinion, I respond, we have a conversation. Perhaps you could try talking to her regardless? Based off your post, I wouldn't think this ENFJ is abnormal or particularly emotionally "distant."
 

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I'm not sure what you mean when you say "not knowing the whole situation"?
I'm saying that I don't know her side of the story, how she sees the situation, or her past that may make her act in a certain way. We only know the small picture you have given us, and even the most simple people are more complex than a paragraph or two.
 

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I am sorry that you feel disconnected from your mother. It must be difficult to have a mother who seems to not care what is important to you or display interest in your life. :(

I have slightly similar issues in feeling my mother can't completely emotionally provide for me. I'm an ENFJ and my mother is an ENTJ. She is very sweet and an adorable mom, but I have an aunt (who I'd bet is an INFP) who I turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on. If I try to discuss deep feelings with my ENTJ mom she seems uncomfortable and will come back with some "get over it" type come back...which makes me extremely uncomfortable. But if I need some organization in my life, my ENTJ mom is THE BEST. Perhaps your mom is an ENTJ?

Maybe the key for you is to accept your mother for who she is, try very hard not to internalize her behavior as your fault, and find someone like my aunt to meet your emotional "mothering" needs. ?
 

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I just had my mom test to find out what she was. She discovered her type to be ENFJ. After reading the descriptions and characterisitics, I'm a little surprised. All I've read are good things (caring, giver, outgoing, charming, etc) Maybe it's her relationship with me or maybe it's one of those cases where how she perceives herself is totally different from how she acts? I don't know...

To me, she comes off as very cold sometimes. Since I've known her (my whole life haha) she's never once tried to engage in conversation about anything I like. At all. Not even asking me what I'm interested in. The most she's ever done is ask me what I want for Christmas growing up - she'd have me and my sister make lists of things (I'd usually ask for books, movies, cds, instruments) but she never bothered to ask why these particular books, movies, etc were important to me.

She is very outgoing, so I can see the extroversion. But she doesn't seem intuitive at all. She's very emotional but mostly about things that involve her (i.e. she isn't one to get too worked up about a crisis going on in a foreign country, where as I usually do)

Honestly, growing up, she's always seemed cold towards me. This doesn't sound like an ENFJ from all the descriptions I've read. I'm confused. Anyone care to tell me if this is possible for an ENFJ mother to be cold and almost unloving towards her INFP daughter? :frustrating: And maybe what I can do to break through this barrier and actually get her to listen to me (which she NEVER does... even when I try to reach out to her :sad:)

Maybe she is an esfj. My friend's brother is an esfj and he tested as an N. This is common..... the test usually doesn't produce 100% accurate results.... and it may have to do with the fact that your mother is surrounded by N's.... or sees it as more admirable to be an N.... or more impressive.... or maybe she's just not very self aware.
 
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I just had my mom test to find out what she was. She discovered her type to be ENFJ. After reading the descriptions and characterisitics, I'm a little surprised. All I've read are good things (caring, giver, outgoing, charming, etc) Maybe it's her relationship with me or maybe it's one of those cases where how she perceives herself is totally different from how she acts? I don't know...

To me, she comes off as very cold sometimes. Since I've known her (my whole life haha) she's never once tried to engage in conversation about anything I like. At all. Not even asking me what I'm interested in. The most she's ever done is ask me what I want for Christmas growing up - she'd have me and my sister make lists of things (I'd usually ask for books, movies, cds, instruments) but she never bothered to ask why these particular books, movies, etc were important to me.

She is very outgoing, so I can see the extroversion. But she doesn't seem intuitive at all. She's very emotional but mostly about things that involve her (i.e. she isn't one to get too worked up about a crisis going on in a foreign country, where as I usually do)

Honestly, growing up, she's always seemed cold towards me. This doesn't sound like an ENFJ from all the descriptions I've read. I'm confused. Anyone care to tell me if this is possible for an ENFJ mother to be cold and almost unloving towards her INFP daughter? :frustrating: And maybe what I can do to break through this barrier and actually get her to listen to me (which she NEVER does... even when I try to reach out to her :sad:)

I strongly believe that the title "emotionally distant" answers all your questions.

In some ENFJs, especially if she's blood type AB, they subconciously stay distant to people they care most about to protect themselves. For her, it might be because of the fact that developing a more intimate relationship with her own kids may actually be dangerous for reasons like the fear of being attached, anxiety, and etc.
 

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Maybe she is an esfj. My friend's brother is an esfj and he tested as an N. This is common..... the test usually doesn't produce 100% accurate results.... and it may have to do with the fact that your mother is surrounded by N's.... or sees it as more admirable to be an N.... or more impressive.... or maybe she's just not very self aware.
I was going to say someting like this.I have a friend who I got into these Jung tests and the first couple of times she came up with different results.She retested more and the same thing happened,so much that we started joking saying 'so what's ur type today?'.Somtimes it was just a difference of N/S but once or twice it was a fairly different result.Maybe u should have her give the test again?
 

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I was going to say someting like this.I have a friend who I got into these Jung tests and the first couple of times she came up with different results.She retested more and the same thing happened,so much that we started joking saying 'so what's ur type today?'.Somtimes it was just a difference of N/S but once or twice it was a fairly different result.Maybe u should have her give the test again?
Yea that or you should learn about types and then type her yourself. I think no test is better than a knowledgeable person. If your mother doesn't know if she is intuitive or sensing....than I would go as far to guess that that's not going to change any time soon. If you get a C on a math test and then you don't study for the make up test.... chances are the score is not gonna change.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
If I try to discuss deep feelings with my ENTJ mom she seems uncomfortable and will come back with some "get over it" type come back...which makes me extremely uncomfortable. But if I need some organization in my life, my ENTJ mom is THE BEST. Perhaps your mom is an ENTJ?
This is EXACTLY what she does when I try talking to her about things that are important to me. Either that or she'll tell me to get a second job, because money solves all your problems apparently. Ever since I was 15-16 years old her thing with me was to make sure I got a job and worry only about that job. She would go as far as to make it okay for me to forget about school just so I could work. (not kidding) She never went to college and you'd think she would want me to succeed in an important area that she didn't... I don't know. She confuses me.

Maybe the key for you is to accept your mother for who she is, try very hard not to internalize her behavior as your fault, and find someone like my aunt to meet your emotional "mothering" needs. ?
I know, I know. I really try to accept her for who she is, but it's still frustrating, especially when she doesn't accept me or even really listen to me. I'll be trying to talk to her about something that's meaningful and she'll be sitting there on her phone, texting, saying "yea" and "oh" inbetween the parts where I stop talking because I'm waiting for her to actually pay attention. I've brought it up before and she literally flips out and gets pissed off at me. That's just one of the many ways she just pushes me aside. it's lovely...

Maybe she is an esfj. My friend's brother is an esfj and he tested as an N. This is common..... the test usually doesn't produce 100% accurate results.... and it may have to do with the fact that your mother is surrounded by N's.... or sees it as more admirable to be an N.... or more impressive.... or maybe she's just not very self aware.
She might be an ESFJ... That's what I originally thought she was. I also highly doubt she's fully aware of how she comes across to me. But like I said, even when I try to bring it up to her she bites my head off. Maybe I'm not approaching her appropriately or trying hard enough? or maybe the key is not to try? I feel sometimes she's more responsive to me when I'm more distant, but then I feel like a bitch for being distant to my own mother.

I strongly believe that the title "emotionally distant" answers all your questions.

In some ENFJs, especially if she's blood type AB, they subconciously stay distant to people they care most about to protect themselves. For her, it might be because of the fact that developing a more intimate relationship with her own kids may actually be dangerous for reasons like the fear of being attached, anxiety, and etc.
Yes, I suppose it does. I want her to be better about it, though. She does get too attatched way too easily, so I guess that makes sense. I feel so narrow-minded when it comes to trying to reason with her sometimes. I feel like I'm just looking at it from my perspective when I should be looking at it from hers, but even then some of the things she does are just really out of line and go against my idea of what a loving & caring mother should be.
 

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She is a huge giver - as far as money and material items go. The best example I can think to justify this with is I recently told her I was feeling extremely depressed and even contemplated suicide. Her response was "Oh stop talking like that!" and "You need to get a 2nd job so you have more money, then you won't be so whatever!" when my feelings of depression have nothing to do with money or a job (ironically enough, I was happier when I was broke and unemployed) :frustrating:
That might have come off offensive then it sounds.When I'm very very upset and my mother cannot do anything(or say anything) to make me feel better,she might tell me off.Not because she's angry,but it hurts her alot to not be able to help me,so it's how her pain comes out.(thought for the record I wanna say my mother is incredibly supportive).My point is ,different ppl deal with things in a different manner.Maybe she thinks that dwelling on the matter and giving it,what she might consider ,unnecessary attention will blow it out of proportion,and therefore not help you.

Thing is I understand what you probably want more than a solution is just to talk,that's why I find it strange she's not much of a talker.My only guess could be,if she is infact and ENFJ,is that she's absorbed in a problem of her own.
 

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I hope i can help. Basically im in the reverse situation, im an ENFJ and i act towards my family the way your mom does to you. I hardly listen to them and i usually distance myself from them as much as possible. The reason is because when i was growing up, they were hardly around and i was practically raised by my sister, so now i have no relationship with my parents. Im afraid to listen to their issues because i know i will have advice to give them and im scared that they will reject me based on the advice i give them. I live with them so im always around them so im scared that they will judge me if they knew more about me, because when i give advice i usually talk from experience so i tell the other person more about me, and im scared that if my parents knew more about me they would reject me and it would hurt everytime i see them. It also comes from being a perfectionist, i want the relationship to be perfect, i mean its my parents after all, and i dont think it will so i dont try in case i mess it up, and its not a relationship that if it goes bad you can just walk away from. So yeah thats my experience, hope it helps in some way
 

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I hope i can help. Basically im in the reverse situation, im an ENFJ and i act towards my family the way your mom does to you. I hardly listen to them and i usually distance myself from them as much as possible. The reason is because when i was growing up, they were hardly around and i was practically raised by my sister, so now i have no relationship with my parents. Im afraid to listen to their issues because i know i will have advice to give them and im scared that they will reject me based on the advice i give them. I live with them so im always around them so im scared that they will judge me if they knew more about me, because when i give advice i usually talk from experience so i tell the other person more about me, and im scared that if my parents knew more about me they would reject me and it would hurt everytime i see them. It also comes from being a perfectionist, i want the relationship to be perfect, i mean its my parents after all, and i dont think it will so i dont try in case i mess it up, and its not a relationship that if it goes bad you can just walk away from. So yeah thats my experience, hope it helps in some way
Well, maybe they were not around because they had to work, in order to provide. I think you should try to open up with little things first, you know, baby steps. :happy: See how they react and decide if you can go any further or not. Parents in general should have unconditioned love for their child, it's something that came up in their image, so...I think you should try to get over your fear with small steps. My parents don't always understand me either, but I know that in their heart they love me very much and try to support me in the way they know how to do it.
 

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Well, I"m an ENFJ son to an INFP mom, and I think the ENFJ would love for you to tell her how you feel if she truly is an ENFJ, if she snaps at you and never apologizes when you tell her how you feel then she's not an ENFJ. I can snap at ppl sometimes but never when they're pouring out they're heart to me. If an enemy fell at my feet and started balling I wouldn't be able to help but feel sorry and comfort him/her. So watch for emotion about other people, she has Extraverted Feeling which is usually people-centered feeling and less concerned with it's own needs, that not meaning that she can't have some really big wounds. Also there tends to be Fe-Se (extraverted feeling-extraverted sensing) loops a lot of times where it skips over introverted intuition and is stuck in the present feeling, and present excitement of things where some ENFJ's get addictions. So watch for that. I've seen that loop happen quite a lot. Good luck!
 

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I will say actually I've had my worst enemy practically groveling for forgiveness and after me trying to clear the air so many times with her previously I threw it back in her face cold and uncaring. However I let her say her piece in its entirety and I listened with respect and patience as she stated her case.

Not all ENFJs want to comfort everyone, but I wanted to make sure she felt like she said everything she needed to say and that she was heard and respected. I would never ever cut someone off and say "DON'T CARE. DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT."


Edit: to be fair... I knew it wasn't sincere. She was only begging for a truce cause she was about to start some junk and wanted me to be neutral.
 

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We're idealist, sometimes to a fault.

If we've decided the world should be one way and it isn't. We can pretty much block the stuff out that we don't like untill it changes till the way we want it to be.
 
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