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So, this ENFJ guy really likes me. But I have some concerns. I was told that I'm being too harsh so please lend your analytical thoughts on this:

He was married for 17 years.....has 4 kids....claims he has been separated for 3 years...BUT only recently got a divorce.
His ex-wife and all 4 of their kids lives with HIS cousin and cousin's wife 7 hours away, because "she didn't want to see me dating".....and he seems a little possessive (got annoyed and jealous that I mentioned I spent some time with my son...I only have 1 kid)....and he said that he called his ex-wife "filthy" in front of their kids and they stood up for her....turns out she was working full time plus home-schooling? not sure if that was all the time.....and he works full-time....and he doesn't see his kids....and he says he's been dating the past 3 years....and when he tells me something....he isn't honest.....like he said he met his biological dad not long ago and that his biological mom had him young and that his adopted dad...this and that......then he forgets that he said this and starts talking about his mom....I said, "wait....your actual mom....your bio mom? so is your adopted dad actually your step dad" and he got uncomfortable that I remembered everything that he said and said, "uh yes".....I've caught him in a few little fibs....also, he called his wife a "pathological liar" and went into stories about her.....and when I asked some questions...turns out she acted like that when he first met her....and I asked why he married her and had 4 kids if he knew this about her.....

anyway, in my opinion the guy is toxic and I don't desire a relationship. But a friend of mine thinks that I'm being harsh and claims that it's me that is afraid of getting hurt. -I don't agree....I'm not afraid....I'm willing to take the chance with the right guy....just not this guy.
 

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So, this ENFJ guy really likes me. But I have some concerns. I was told that I'm being too harsh so please lend your analytical thoughts on this:

He was married for 17 years.....has 4 kids....claims he has been separated for 3 years...BUT only recently got a divorce.
His ex-wife and all 4 of their kids lives with HIS cousin and cousin's wife 7 hours away, because "she didn't want to see me dating".....and he seems a little possessive (got annoyed and jealous that I mentioned I spent some time with my son...I only have 1 kid)....and he said that he called his ex-wife "filthy" in front of their kids and they stood up for her....turns out she was working full time plus home-schooling? not sure if that was all the time.....and he works full-time....and he doesn't see his kids....and he says he's been dating the past 3 years....and when he tells me something....he isn't honest.....like he said he met his biological dad not long ago and that his biological mom had him young and that his adopted dad...this and that......then he forgets that he said this and starts talking about his mom....I said, "wait....your actual mom....your bio mom? so is your adopted dad actually your step dad" and he got uncomfortable that I remembered everything that he said and said, "uh yes".....I've caught him in a few little fibs....also, he called his wife a "pathological liar" and went into stories about her.....and when I asked some questions...turns out she acted like that when he first met her....and I asked why he married her and had 4 kids if he knew this about her.....

anyway, in my opinion the guy is toxic and I don't desire a relationship. But a friend of mine thinks that I'm being harsh and claims that it's me that is afraid of getting hurt. -I don't agree....I'm not afraid....I'm willing to take the chance with the right guy....just not this guy.
I think you should trust your intuition and move on. Nothing you’ve written here suggests to me that you should second guess yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I think you should trust your intuition and move on. Nothing you’ve written here suggests to me that you should second guess yourself.
thank you for the validation. sometimes I don't trust my gut as it is....and then when a sensor (no offense to sensors) but this one in particular didn't see the logic behind my hesitation to keep talking to this guy. again, thank you!!! xo
 

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thank you for the validation. sometimes I don't trust my gut as it is....and then when a sensor (no offense to sensors) but this one in particular didn't see the logic behind my hesitation to keep talking to this guy. again, thank you!!! xo
Jeepers. I'd lose the guy AND start to side-eye the 'friend'. That's some pretty serious poor life skills there, on her part. And bad manners.
 

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thank you for the validation. sometimes I don't trust my gut as it is....and then when a sensor (no offense to sensors) but this one in particular didn't see the logic behind my hesitation to keep talking to this guy. again, thank you!!! xo
this makes me nuts. 30 years ago when there was no internet and nicole brown simpson was still alive and even tina turner had not yet come out about ike . . . maybe then society had an excuse for not having a woman's back when her gut said 'uh oh' on a guy. but there is no excuse now.

keep in mind that the very people who'll second-guess you and undermine you when some part of you knows something isn't quite right . . . those are almost definitely the same people who will come around later on if your gut turns out to be right. and they won't say 'shit sorry, our bad.' they'll suddenly be experts on 'warning signs', and they'll be asking themselves what was the matter with YOU that you were 'stupid' enough to go out with the guy.

first thing to remember is: when it comes to relationships, you don't owe anyone shit. you don't owe him a relationship, you don't owe him the benefit of any doubt, and you don't owe anyone an 'explanation' for why you don't want to date or hang out with anybody. it just isn't society's prerogative to give you 'permission' for your own choices on this.

you didn't ask me for a rant, but i get really heated. 30 years later and nothing has changed ;);)
 

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this makes me nuts. 30 years ago when there was no internet and nicole brown simpson was still alive and even tina turner had not yet come out about ike . . . maybe then society had an excuse for not having a woman's back when her gut said 'uh oh' on a guy. but there is no excuse now.

keep in mind that the very people who'll second-guess you and undermine you when some part of you knows something isn't quite right . . . those are almost definitely the same people who will come around later on if your gut turns out to be right. and they won't say 'shit sorry, our bad.' they'll suddenly be experts on 'warning signs', and they'll be asking themselves what was the matter with YOU that you were 'stupid' enough to go out with the guy.

first thing to remember is: when it comes to relationships, you don't owe anyone shit. you don't owe him a relationship, you don't owe him the benefit of any doubt, and you don't owe anyone an 'explanation' for why you don't want to date or hang out with anybody. it just isn't society's prerogative to give you 'permission' for your own choices on this.

you didn't ask me for a rant, but i get really heated. 30 years later and nothing has changed ;);)
hahaha rant is totally understandable and appreciated. I get bothered by seeing women abused and putting up with it, too. I think because I over-accommodate and polite that it's important for me to not go into relationships like that one with a ton of red flags. That guy lied constantly and the fact that he still lived in the house that he and his wife and kids had together....and the fact that he said the kids sided with the wife and had not seen the kids and they had no friends in Dallas was a ton of red flags to me and not worth it.

you are a kind-hearted person with a generous heart and thoughtfulness for others....and I appreciate you so much !!! thank you for being you !!!! 💖💖💖
 
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