[lionsxroar]

My first official post! Hello, everyone. I'm fairly new to personality type and I scored as a fairly high INFJ. I've been looking pretty deeply into things and I'm wondering if anyone has the same problems as I do.

As far as relationships (friendship or romantic), I feel quite a high jealousy level? I've been told it might be due to a lack of self confidence, but I feel it's more of wanting 100% out of people. If I'm having a conversation with someone or doing something with them, I want their full attention. I feel as if I'm not getting someone's full attention or if they aren't giving me their all, it isn't good enough for me. I put 100% into things like conversations, gifts, events, and surprises, and I feel that if someone doesn't return it to me, it isn't real.

An example would be, say, if I was watching a movie with a friend. If they're on tumblr or facebook checking things while watching it, I feel hurt that they aren't giving it their full attention. The same thing with if I'm having a conversation with someone. If they're texting or paying attention to someone else I feel as if they really don't care at all what I'm thinking or saying.

I know as an INFJ we have issues enough with expressing our feelings to others and I keep feeling more and more insecure about it when other people seem to not give it their full attention.

Just wondering if anyone else has the same problem, or if they know how I can work on it!

 

[Dewymorning]

What you described is probably more related to your enneagram than your MBTI personality type.


But welcome!

 

[Arclight]

INFJs do not have trouble expressing their emotions. They choose to be choosy about expressing them and to whom. This is what being reserved means.. It's a distinction many people don't seem to make.

 

[lionsxroar]

INFJs do not have trouble expressing their emotions. They choose to be choosy about expressing them and to whom. This is what being reserved means.. It's a distinction many people don't seem to make.

I agree, but, I still find it somewhat difficult? My best friend is an ISFJ and she's the only one I'm willing to remotely explain or express myself to. It takes a lot for me to express my thoughts more so than my emotions to her. I don't mind telling her if I'm upset or sad or something and if anything I'm rather vulnerable for her to tell when something is wrong with me. But when it comes to reasons why I think that why I feel as if there's a roadblock sometimes? Perhaps I just need to work on it a little more.

Either way, thank you for your response!

 

[lionsxroar]

What you described is probably more related to your enneagram than your MBTI personality type.


But welcome!

Thank you!
I'm recently learning about the Enneagram so I'm not as knowledgeable about that quite yet. However, it gives me something to look into now.

 

[BooksandButterflies]

I get what you're saying. I know INFJs are all or nothing, and I do understand feeling somewhat hurt or frustrated when i feel ignored. (and I'm enneagram type 6) However, much as I hate to admit it, this may be more of an insecurity thing then an INFJ. Just a thought. Oh, and welcome to the cafe, @lionsxroar
:kitteh:

 

[lionsxroar]

I agree! I do feel as if in some points it can be an insecurity. I do know it comes up much more so when I have a genuine fear of losing that person. I have a slight jealousy issue but it only comes up with a certain person and I know that it's simply out of fear that I'll lose them. I'm assuming this might simply be the same thing, just an insecurity, mixed with my own personal 'all or nothing' ideal. I'm personally prone to giving my all in things I love and it might be that part of me trying to push my ideas onto someone else, aha!

& Thank you very much!

 

[Lad]

Welcome!
No disrespect implied, but ease up on the microscopic writing .

As mentioned, having a gander at Enneagrams may help shed some light on things. I'm a 6w5 and we tend to embody a strangely contradictory "all or nothing" approach to people, but this can also apply to other Enneagram types too. But ya, I share similar sentiments to your own.

In terms of romance, I can see myself being the jealous type early on, but admittedly I'm almost obsessive in terms of my desire to connect with this person. I need to reassurance in a sense through taking them to places they've never gone before with anyone else and this can really drive me. My first date isn't usually some coffee shop or lunch for an hour or two, but usually spans well over 5 hrs... often longer. The next few days are similar and I find it encouraging if they seem mutually obsessive -- they can't get enough. In time, through a lot of deep conversations, I find a comfort zone within a couple of weeks and jealousy turns into complete confidence & even arrogance to some degree. It's almost like saying "try to take her away from me and we'll see who she chooses."

With regard to a possible friendship or just the average Joe, I feel like I test whether to see if they're giving themselves entirely to me. If they fail that test, I'll convert it to the dreaded small talk or simply focus on asking them questions... I won't open up about myself at all.

While there are some inherent faults in all this as well, I consider myself wealthy in terms of close-friends, poor in my # of acquaintances, and unbelievably fortunate with the number of serious relationships I've been in.

 

[Aquarian]

I feel it's more of wanting 100% out of people. If I'm having a conversation with someone or doing something with them, I want their full attention. I feel as if I'm not getting someone's full attention or if they aren't giving me their all, it isn't good enough for me. I put 100% into things like conversations, gifts, events, and surprises, and I feel that if someone doesn't return it to me, it isn't real.

An example would be, say, if I was watching a movie with a friend. If they're on tumblr or facebook checking things while watching it, I feel hurt that they aren't giving it their full attention. The same thing with if I'm having a conversation with someone. If they're texting or paying attention to someone else I feel as if they really don't care at all what I'm thinking or saying.

I know as an INFJ we have issues enough with expressing our feelings to others and I keep feeling more and more insecure about it when other people seem to not give it their full attention.

Just wondering if anyone else has the same problem, or if they know how I can work on it!

Your example is striking to me. I see the constant texting/facebook/tumblr etc as a societal problem - sort of a cultural push of attention deficit disorder or something, people don't know how to be present. I've seen people out to dinner with each other but both are texting to others or on their phones or whatever. That, to me, is a social illness, and someone who feels it as unpleasant or bad isn't the problem - the cultural pattern is. I would say that the way to "work on it" is to accept that your value system is valid and find people who share your approach to human interaction, if you can. Why try to adapt to a sick system as if you're the problem and it isn't? (well, of course, if that's the only way to have human contact ... but there are people who aren't fully sucked in, I know there are but don't know about age ranges).

And, I also want to say: AWESOME to see other INFJ/enneagram 6s here! 6w5 for me and I've been meaning to post something about the intersection (because there do seem to be intersections, but it feels complicated) but haven't figured out the exact question(s) yet.

 

[lionsxroar]

Welcome!
No disrespect implied, but ease up on the microscopic writing .

As mentioned, having a gander at Enneagrams may help shed some light on things. I'm a 6w5 and we tend to embody a strangely contradictory "all or nothing" approach to people, but this can also apply to other Enneagram types too. But ya, I share similar sentiments to your own.

In terms of romance, I can see myself being the jealous type early on, but admittedly I'm almost obsessive in terms of my desire to connect with this person. I need to reassurance in a sense through taking them to places they've never gone before with anyone else and this can really drive me. My first date isn't usually some coffee shop or lunch for an hour or two, but usually spans well over 5 hrs... often longer. The next few days are similar and I find it encouraging if they seem mutually obsessive -- they can't get enough. In time, through a lot of deep conversations, I find a comfort zone within a couple of weeks and jealousy turns into complete confidence & even arrogance to some degree. It's almost like saying "try to take her away from me and we'll see who she chooses."

With regard to a possible friendship or just the average Joe, I feel like I test whether to see if they're giving themselves entirely to me. If they fail that test, I'll convert it to the dreaded small talk or simply focus on asking them questions... I won't open up about myself at all.

While there are some inherent faults in all this as well, I consider myself wealthy in terms of close-friends, poor in my # of acquaintances, and unbelievably fortunate with the number of serious relationships I've been in.

Aha, thanks for the advice! No offense taken.

Thanks for that though, it actually really helped! I'm not very experienced in the romance area and this specific person I'm referring to is really my first in terms of relationships. Perhaps I just haven't gotten past that jealous stage, since, it isn't an 'official' relationship between us or anything, although emotional attachments for both of us have gotten pretty far. However, I'm definitely keeping your advice in mind.

I feel that it's much less severe on with normal friendship/family members and rather than feeling hurt, the most I feel is perhaps some disappointment.

 

[lionsxroar]

Your example is striking to me. I see the constant texting/facebook/tumblr etc as a societal problem - sort of a cultural push of attention deficit disorder or something, people don't know how to be present. I've seen people out to dinner with each other but both are texting to others or on their phones or whatever. That, to me, is a social illness, and someone who feels it as unpleasant or bad isn't the problem - the cultural pattern is. I would say that the way to "work on it" is to accept that your value system is valid and find people who share your approach to human interaction, if you can. Why try to adapt to a sick system as if you're the problem and it isn't? (well, of course, if that's the only way to have human contact ... but there are people who aren't fully sucked in, I know there are but don't know about age ranges).

And, I also want to say: AWESOME to see other INFJ/enneagram 6s here! 6w5 for me and I've been meaning to post something about the intersection (because there do seem to be intersections, but it feels complicated) but haven't figured out the exact question(s) yet.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way! Several years back I had a friend who would come spend the night at my house and instead of enjoying the movie with me, she'd sit on her laptop and talk to other people. It's pretty sad to see what things have come to in society! I'm all for internet, of course, but I think people can be too caught up in technology. It's gotten to the point things around us are being ignored and foregone.

Also, Thank you! ;w;
I just took the test last night and today again to make sure. I've never heard much about it so I'm really not quite sure, although It's been clear I can't find many INFJs with it!

 

[livingunique333]

In my last relationship, I was accused of needing too much attention. I would attempt to dial it back, and usually was successful. I still felt, though, that something was wrong. She was so insistent about my neediness that I began to believe it.

What I've discovered since is that, since I was investing so much, emotionally and personally, into the relationship, I had a natural feeling as though her investment should be equal. Since I could intuit that she wasn't doing this, I was subconsciously insisting that she do so. Consciously, I was coming across as needy and in requirement of attention. Inside I knew this wasn't true on some level, but wasn't able to articulate it until after the relationship had ended.

I think this part of our subconscious tendencies can come across as jealousy, neediness and clingy-ness if we aren't aware of what it is we're doing and why. Sadly, part of our personality is a very difficult time in understanding ourselves and our motivations, especially in romantic relationships.

 

[lionsxroar]

I'm finding out the same exact thing with myself. I'm near obsessive over the person and I although I'm sure it might come off as a tad creepy, my intentions are genuine? Part of me just wants to cling to the person because I love the feeling of being wanted. The person tells me that they even enjoy my neediness to a degree and that helps not make it too harsh, I suppose.

Now I'm getting to the point I feel I'm investing much more then I'm getting. I'm feeling exactly how you explained, actually. It's been somewhat frustrating dealing with it, because I keep being told I have severe insecurity issues by a friend, when I don't know if that's fully it. I do know I have a fear of losing this person; however, I feel that the desire for them to match what I'm investing is much stronger than that. Especially when I feel they're investing more into something else then me, I seem to flip out.

I've noticed that the less they pay attention to me and the more they pay attention to someone or something else, I just assume that's more of a priority than I am. It's a little confusing! I'm not even sure if I'm explaining it correctly, aha!

 

[Aquarian]

Also, Thank you! ;w;
I just took the test last night and today again to make sure. I've never heard much about it so I'm really not quite sure, although It's been clear I can't find many INFJs with it!

Are you talking about the enneagram here? What test? (if it is the enneagram, be advised that a lot of people say that the tests aren't as useful as reading the descriptions and seeing which feels like it fits - certainly true for me).

 

[lionsxroar]

Are you talking about the enneagram here? What test? (if it is the enneagram, be advised that a lot of people say that the tests aren't as useful as reading the descriptions and seeing which feels like it fits - certainly true for me).

Yes! The Enneagram test. I'm pretty confused by it as opposed to my MBTI results and I'm not sure if it fits me fully.

 

[livingunique333]

I'm finding out the same exact thing with myself. I'm near obsessive over the person and I although I'm sure it might come off as a tad creepy, my intentions are genuine? Part of me just wants to cling to the person because I love the feeling of being wanted. The person tells me that they even enjoy my neediness to a degree and that helps not make it too harsh, I suppose.

Now I'm getting to the point I feel I'm investing much more then I'm getting. I'm feeling exactly how you explained, actually. It's been somewhat frustrating dealing with it, because I keep being told I have severe insecurity issues by a friend, when I don't know if that's fully it. I do know I have a fear of losing this person; however, I feel that the desire for them to match what I'm investing is much stronger than that. Especially when I feel they're investing more into something else then me, I seem to flip out.

I've noticed that the less they pay attention to me and the more they pay attention to someone or something else, I just assume that's more of a priority than I am. It's a little confusing! I'm not even sure if I'm explaining it correctly, aha!

Well, I think most of my insecurities about my personal interactions with others have resulted because I was acting consciously because of subconscious intuition, but without a level of cognizance (OMG all the big words).

Being needy and clingy aren't necessarily bad things. A healthy romantic relationship should include some level of give/take, need/get. The unhealthiness is about -why- you're being needy and clingy. If you're doing it because your happiness is relative to how much attention you get, then it's not healthy. Here's a question to ask yourself: If you're doing it because you've invested a lot emotionally and you're trying to find out if they have invested to the same level, and you find out they haven't invested to your level, will you be devastated?

 

[Cross]

When I was much younger, I used to get jealous of everyone. I wanted to be like everyone and have what they were having. Giving attention to someone was not really my concern most of the time, but it happened on its own anyway. I formed friends this way. As I aged up, I believe it was Introverted Intuition and Extraverted Feeling that aided me in dispelling jealousy. I feel more at ease now. i do get jealous quite often, when someone is not doing as much for me but I give them more than they deserve and sometimes even more than they demand out of me. My jealousy does not last long.

 

[Ashneversleeps]

In terms of Enneagram theory, you might have a sexual instinct variant (it's not really what it sounds like ). There's information on that here. It sounds like a lot of what you describe could be attributed to the intensity craving characteristic of that variant. Hope that helps

Also, welcome to the forums :happy:

 

[lionsxroar]

Well, I think most of my insecurities about my personal interactions with others have resulted because I was acting consciously because of subconscious intuition, but without a level of cognizance (OMG all the big words).

Being needy and clingy aren't necessarily bad things. A healthy romantic relationship should include some level of give/take, need/get. The unhealthiness is about -why- you're being needy and clingy. If you're doing it because your happiness is relative to how much attention you get, then it's not healthy. Here's a question to ask yourself: If you're doing it because you've invested a lot emotionally and you're trying to find out if they have invested to the same level, and you find out they haven't invested to your level, will you be devastated?

I don't think it's a matter of me needing to be shown attention all the time in order for me to be happy. I think it's more of, I'm willing to give my all for you and I'd hope you'd give it all for me, sort of thing.

I think if the other person isn't as invested as I am, I might be somewhat disappointed, to say the least. I genuinely care about this person, so I'd like to be optimistic and hope that they care enough to deposit the same into it.

However, I hear that INFJs are constantly looking for that 'perfect relationship', and I've been trying to figure out how much is too much to be expected. I know my lack of experience with relationships doesn't help very much!

 

[lionsxroar]

When I was much younger, I used to get jealous of everyone. I wanted to be like everyone and have what they were having. Giving attention to someone was not really my concern most of the time, but it happened on its own anyway. I formed friends this way. As I aged up, I believe it was Introverted Intuition and Extraverted Feeling that aided me in dispelling jealousy. I feel more at ease now. i do get jealous quite often, when someone is not doing as much for me but I give them more than they deserve and sometimes even more than they demand out of me. My jealousy does not last long.

I find myself in a very similar situation! I find it's more severe in a romantic sense, since I simply want the other person to invest as much as I am.