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. We met three weeks ago, when he arrived at the house where I was briefly a tenant for the summer break (I moved out today, back to my usual lodgings for the academic term.).

So this shouldn't have happened. I'm not the kind of person to prey on other people's happiness; I'm attracted to what's possible, after all.

But after years of being loved by guys whose love I could not bring myself to reciprocate--not because they weren't attractive or interesting people but because I just didn't think they were the 'one'--I finally found someone who I genuinely like. I think I'm falling in love with him to be honest. He doesn't even stand out in any obvious way, but I just love everything about him so much, even

To be fair, it's not like he led me on. He's very honorable--he talks about his girlfriend in front of me all the time, and the first time I saw her picture I told him she was beautiful, and put on the best poker-face I could muster up. He continues to allude to his girlfriend, and how she's his idol, and the future they have together, and so on.

Here's the catch though. Our chemistry--unless I'm completely misreading the situation (and t

, and from the moment I hesitated and admitted that I used to be, but not anymore, I could tell he kind of took me up as a special project to work on, spending hours talking about his own thoughts and encouraging me by saying that my struggle is beautiful, and inviting me to church events, all of which I attended with him. Maybe I'm over-thinking it, and in a few minutes he would happen to run into me. Fast-forward to week two and we are spending the evenings together pretty much every day. When we're in a group setting, he always seems to pay most attention to what I'm saying, , I feel like he uses them as an excuse to create banter with me, e.g. making quick comments, without looking at me, about how pretty, beautiful, or compassionate I am. The things he says are hugely symbolic, and he internalizes my words and alludes to them when I least expect it, creating inside jokes with them.

Sometimes, especially when we're alone, he'll go extremely quiet around me, creating really shy and pregnant silences, and sometimes he'll be flirty. I noticed that he speaks more assertively around other people, but reserves a quiet, warm, almost conspiratorial voice when speaking to me. He's always smiling around me, and laughs at my awkward comments, and sometimes

Often, though, I'd diffuse the intimacy of the encounter by inviting a third party, and I almost felt like he was disappointed.




The way he was looking at me when said this, like he could see into my soul--the way he whispered it yet also made it sound assertive. God.

After we ate I just wanted to go home, but he kept loitering, asking me if there were any other cool places I wanted to take him to.

The night before I left, we were coming home from a mutual friend's dinner party, and he pointed at the stars. It went something like this:


Then I breathe a little too much. 'I feel alive.'
'Yes.' There's a silence, something shifts, and he gets up without me. My eyes are closed when I hear him come back.
. I apologize for how cold it is, but he tells me to stay for as long as I want. I sit up cross-legged and look up at him, perhaps a little too adoringly. I'm kicking myself inside, but he's not looking away, so why should I?
He's thinking. He's not happy anymore.
I fall back and do not care, because I have only this sliver of night, this window into another life.
He comes back with something else. '
On the way back I take longer strides, and he's no longer trying to match my steps.
When we get back and they ask us about the dinner party we say nothing, and for the first time in three weeks we don't say goodnight to each other.

It's always like this. I feel like both of us are pushing and pulling, caught up in the attraction but also lying to ourselves about it. Except the onus is on me because he doesn't do anything wrong technically, and I'm just a stupid girl with too many feelings and GOD, I like him so much.

And finally, the fall from grace. In other words, How Things Turned to Shit.

After the episode, I found a letter under my door. I had written him one two days before, and the tone I used was friendly and adoring. The letter I got back was longer, but also more formal and eloquent than mine in tone-- I felt both touched and crestfallen, and this was the moment it dawned on me that what I was chasing was impossible.



Well shit.

Then again, how was he supposed to react? Obviously it hurt in the moment but in hindsight, if he had hugged me I would have lost respect for him, and I just like him all the more for being so noble. It was terribly awkward though, and I could tell he was trying to smooth it out and salvage the situation, but I was embarrassed.



I leave. When I get back to my place I get on the phone with my sister and burst into tears. It's two hours since I've seen him and I get a call with the caller ID blocked (although I have his number? Strange ENFJ ways.), so I answer it, thinking it's someone else. Unfortunately I'm half-crying as I pick up the phone, and I'm so shocked that it's him I don't even think to control my sniffling and he asks me if I'm okay and I tell him yes and he says he'll talk to me another time and SHIT.

Fast-forward two hours. I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. Two minutes later I get a call from a blocked number. I ignore them both. I wouldn't know what to say, and it's all my fault at any rate.

Then I get a voice message. His voice is tender and a little sad (unless this is wishful thinking on my part), and he says that tomorrow (which is actually today),

I don't go to the event. In fact, I'm sitting here instead, typing away at this because I can't get him off my mind and this is my final year in uni, I really need to concentrate. , if that's what I'm doing. r--I couldn't be with him out of feelings of guilt. Who am I to come along and ruin his perfect future anyway? Then again who is he to come along and ruin mine? I guess I can only thank him for showing me that I too am capable of loving.

Please help me guys. I'll take anything--comfort, the cold blunt truth, practical advice, anything. My heart is hurting like hell!
 

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Im sorry that your heart hurts and I think you know the answer to this. Whether he likes you or not he has a girlfriend and you need to respect that.

Again im really sorry your going through this, i wish i could somehow make you feel better.

Whatever happens I hope things work out for the better.
I know how heart break feels like and I know it sucks but youre doing the right thing for keeping your distance.
 

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Thank you @Fibonacci. :) I feel so stupid and reckless and I'm just glad you took the time to read that. It's wrong of me to look for 'what ifs' in this situation, and I'm going to keep my distance. I promise myself this. HAVE SOME DIGNITY, VOMAN.
 

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He has a girlfriend, you knew this....and yet you more or less chose to hope to be his romantic priority when in reality, you were his companionship option. I won't go about being judging since it is certainly not my place to. You're already feeling heartbroken, yet have most likely learned quite a bit from this. Dignity, please have it and hold on to it tight. You're doing right to keep the distance up.
 

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Thank you @Fibonacci. :) I feel so stupid and reckless and I'm just glad you took the time to read that. It's wrong of me to look for 'what ifs' in this situation, and I'm going to keep my distance. I promise myself this. HAVE SOME DIGNITY, VOMAN.
Dont feel stupid. You couldnt help your feelings for him and he seems like a great guy. Hes showing respect to both you and his girlfriend by keeping his distance. But im sure your friendship means a lot to him.
I can completely sympathise with your situation, even though im not being much helpful, after all the heart doesnt heal over night :(
 

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Oh darling. *Hug*
Don't blame yourself. You are right to give the distance, and you cannot turn back now.
Just acknowledge that it was something beautiful and a moment which caught you off your guard.

Remember to take time to heal, and if you need to express this in your art, then you should.
 

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Well, I would suggest staying away if you are falling in love with this man, if you don't want to get hurt.
You may want to get hurt though. I could see my self that way, at least in the past... As a 4.
An interesting read is The sorrows of young Werther, I guess you'd like it because you'd feel related. Hopefully you won't take him as a role model though...

From another perspective, it would also be extremely unfair for his girlfriend if you are around this guy with 'sexual tension' going on... I mean, maybe you can easily make him fall in love with you, and destroy his relationship... That's how my ex broke up with me: she met someone else, similar to this, and she fell in love with him, and it hurt a lot when she just left me :/
If he wants to break up with his girlfriend, that has to happen before dating you at all imo...
 

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He's an ENFJ, I.

I. So this shouldn't have happened. I'm not the kind of person to prey on other people's happiness; I'm attracted to what's possible, after all.

But after years of being loved by guys whose love I could not bring myself to reciprocate--not because they weren't attractive or interesting people but because I just didn't think they were the 'one'--I finally found someone who I genuinely like. I think I'm falling in love with him to be honest. He doesn't even stand out in any obvious way, but I just love everything about him so much, even the parts of him I suspect he doesn't like (

Here's the catch though. Our chemistry--unless I'm completely misreading the situation (and that's entirely possible, except for the fact that as an INFP I sell myself short and I've never been wrong about someone liking me)--is undeniably intense, and the emotional fireworks are everywhere.

T, and from the moment I hesitated and admitted that I used to be, but not anymore, I could tell he kind of took me up as a special project to work on, spending hours talking about his own thoughts and encouraging me by saying that my struggle is beautiful, and inviting me to church events, all of which I attended with him. Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but I almost get the sense that he's 'testing' me sometimes, my ability to commit to church, and eventually, to Christianity.

. Fast-forward to week two and we are spending the evenings together pretty much every day. When we're in a group setting, he always seems to pay most attention to what I'm saying, and when we're alone with the three kids, I feel like he uses them as an excuse to create banter with me, e.g. making quick comments, without looking at me, about how pretty, beautiful, or compassionate I am. The things he says are hugely symbolic, and he internalizes my words and alludes to them when I least expect it, creating inside jokes with them.

Sometimes, especially when we're alone, he'll go extremely quiet around me, creating really shy and pregnant silences, and sometimes he'll be flirty. I noticed that he speaks more assertively around other people, but reserves a quiet, warm, almost conspiratorial voice when speaking to me. He's always smiling around me, and laughs at my awkward comments, and sometimes he'll hum/sing
He'd try to catch me alone, asking me to join him for things like polishing shoes, or watching some footage on Youtube . Often, though, I'd diffuse the intimacy of the encounter by inviting a third party, and I almost felt like he was disappointed.


The way he was looking at me when said this, like he could see into my soul--the way he whispered it yet also made it sound assertive.
we ate I just wanted to go home, but he kept loitering, asking me if there were any other cool places I wanted to take him to.

The night before I left, we were coming home from a mutual friend's dinner party, and he pointed at the stars.


He sits down beside me. I'm lying on my back. A few seconds later, he lies back.
The world, lit in green. The cold luxury of air is hushed and concentrated, the stars crying out. We don't talk. We don't breathe.
Then I breathe a little too much. 'I feel alive.'
'Yes.' There's a silence, something shifts, and he gets up without me. My eyes are closed when I hear him come back.
. I apologize for how cold it is, but he tells me to stay for as long as I want. I sit up cross-legged and look up at him, perhaps a little too adoringly. I'm kicking myself inside, but he's not looking away, so why should I?
He's thinking. He's not happy anymore.
I fall back and do not care, because I have only this sliver of night, this window into another life.
He comes back with something else. 'Come on. This isn't your last time here.'
On the way back I take longer strides, and he's no longer trying to match my steps.
When we get back and they ask us about the dinner party we say nothing, and for the first time in three weeks we don't say goodnight to each other.

It's always like this. I feel like both of us are pushing and pulling, caught up in the attraction but also lying to ourselves about it. Except the onus is on me because he doesn't do anything wrong technically, and I'm just a stupid girl with too many feelings and GOD, I like him so much.

And finally, the fall from grace. In other words, How Things Turned to Shit.
I found a letter under my door. I had written him one two days before, and the tone I used was friendly and adoring. The letter I got back was longer, but also more formal and eloquent than mine in tone-.' I felt both touched and crestfallen, and this was the moment it dawned on me that what I was chasing was impossible.

The day I leave, he cooks a goodbye meal on behalf of everyone. We go upstairs, and are alone briefly as he helps me get my things. The moment feels intimate and pregnant with something (at least to me). I thank him for the note. On a stupid rash impulse I ask him for a hug.



Well shit.

Then again, how was he supposed to react? Obviously it hurt in the moment but in hindsight, if he had hugged me I would have lost respect for him, and I just like him all the more for being so noble. It was terribly awkward though, and I could tell he was trying to smooth it out and salvage the situation, but I was embarrassed.

I leave. When I get back to my place I get on the phone with my sister and burst into tears. It's two hours since I've seen him and I get a call with the caller ID blocked (although I have his number? Strange ENFJ ways.), so I answer it, thinking it's someone else. Unfortunately I'm half-crying as I pick up the phone, and I'm so shocked that it's him I don't even think to control my sniffling and he asks me if I'm okay and I tell him yes and he says he'll talk to me another time and SHIT.

Fast-forward two hours. I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. Two minutes later I get a call from a blocked number. I ignore them both. I wouldn't know what to say, and it's all my fault at any rate.

Then I get a voice message. His voice is tender and a little sar in. He sounds guilty. I wish I could tell him it's not his fault.

I don't go to the event. In fact, I'm sitting here instead, typing away at this because I can't get him off my mind and this is my final year in uni, I really need to concentrate. For the first time in my life I'm falling in love, and it's utterly impossible, and I feel like my heart is going to break. My honest feelings and intuition tells me he also really likes me, but I don't want to lie to myself, if that's what I'm doing. Who am I to come along and ruin his perfect future anyway? Then again who is he to come along and ruin mine? I
Please help me guys. I'll take anything--comfort, the cold blunt truth, practical advice, anything. My heart is hurting like hell!
Just one word for now.

*OUCH*

Hugs & sympathy from an INTJ robot.
 

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@Bago Will do (I must not break I must not break I must not break). Thanks, love. :) :)
@g_w You're a sweetheart. :')

Well, I would suggest staying away if you are falling in love with this man, if you don't want to get hurt.
You may want to get hurt though. I could see my self that way, at least in the past... As a 4.
An interesting read is The sorrows of young Werther, I guess you'd like it because you'd feel related. Hopefully you won't take him as a role model though...

From another perspective, it would also be extremely unfair for his girlfriend if you are around this guy with 'sexual tension' going on... I mean, maybe you can easily make him fall in love with you, and destroy his relationship... That's how my ex broke up with me: she met someone else, similar to this, and she fell in love with him, and it hurt a lot when she just left me :/
If he wants to break up with his girlfriend, that has to happen before dating you at all imo...
I'm also a 4 and also very masochistic. It's almost like my brain, at least when I'm around him, just cannot accept that he does not return my feelings--at least not to an extent that will match mine. Now I'm just reinterpreting all the symbolic things he did with me and I find myself questioning whether they were genuine or not. I feel played, and yet that is the farthest thing that happened. I hurt myself. :(

Ah, The Sorrows of Young Werther--great suggestion!

I would NEVER do that to him or her. In fact, I have consistently been praising his relationship with her, and trying to hide my feelings of jealousy by being genuinely happy for them. I have come to conclusion that there was no way I could avoid developing feelings for him, so this is my fate.

This whole unrequited business sucks. Not at all poetic like I thought it'd be. :p
 

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@Bago Will do (I must not break I must not break I must not break). Thanks, love. :) :)
@g_w You're a sweetheart. :')



I'm also a 4 and also very masochistic. It's almost like my brain, at least when I'm around him, just cannot accept that he does not return my feelings--at least not to an extent that will match mine. Now I'm just reinterpreting all the symbolic things he did with me and I find myself questioning whether they were genuine or not. I feel played, and yet that is the farthest thing that happened. I hurt myself. :(

Ah, The Sorrows of Young Werther--great suggestion!

I would NEVER do that to him or her. In fact, I have consistently been praising his relationship with her, and trying to hide my feelings of jealousy by being genuinely happy for them. I have come to conclusion that there was no way I could avoid developing feelings for him, so this is my fate.

This whole unrequited business sucks. Not at all poetic like I thought it'd be. :p
It's good that you have no intentions of ending with his relationship. Now, you may want to stay with him and be melodramatic and talk about fate, okay, that's very beautiful, like werther... But I'll tell you something: the more you cling to him the more you'll want him and the worse it will be. If I was you I'd run the hell away from him as soon as possible at least until you're completely over it.

The good thing, though, if you're a 4, is that you can also dramatize about it. Because I think what you truly want staying there with him is the drama (you already know you cannot have him, you'er basically torturing yourself, sth very 4ish...) there's a part of you that LOVES not to have him, because being a tragic soul feels unique.
But as it remains tragic if you just cut contact with him, you can find an appeal to that. For a while, I'd watch dramas about unrequited love or love and read novels like Sorrows of Young werther or hermann hesse; It'd write poetry and attempted stories and diaries... Eventually you get over it, and you can learn to enjoy all the drama, really. Freud said, according to @Alyosha, that our greatest memories will come from the moments when we suffered more...
 
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