An INFP's Vent, About Broken Hearts & Break-Ups.

1266 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by Lina113, Aug 19, 2013

ForsakenMe

Discussion Starter · Sep 5, 2010 (Edited)

On May of this year, I was on OKCupid one night, bored out of my mind, and decided to look around for some friends to talk to and what not. I kept searching and looking, and looking... Until this one guy's profile stood out to me for some reason. I clicked and read his profile, and was laughing my guts out on the things he wrote there. I looked through his pictures and he looked so cute... I saw that he included his YouTube account and went in to check. He had videos of himself acting odd but adorable at the same time. Needless to say, I fell infatuated with him on first sight.

I found his AIM and added him in my contacts list. I didn't strike a conversation with him for like a whole week- I was too scared and didn't knew what to say. But finally, I had enough, and decided to just say hi. We had a really nice conversation, and we talked for like a week, till he offered to meet up. I was jumping for joy on the inside, and was very excited when the day came. We met up and had a surprisingly wonderful day together... We were obviously attracted to each other and had a blast!

So we dated for 2 months. He showed all the signs that he really did liked me a lot... Until the last couple of weeks of us being together. He has been unemployed the entire time we were together, but I paid no mind to it, because I am also in a financial rut with my parents as well, so I kinda "get" where he was coming from. His car broke down, and this is where he lost all his feelings for me. I thought him being distant was because of his financial situations, but I guess it's that and just him losing interest in me. He finally dumped me out of the blue one night, on AIM no less. :crying: I took it well and showed him that I was fine, and when I logged out, I talked to my parents about it, and they were shocked, to say the least. My dad strongly believes that he is very insecure (and he was right, because my ex CONSTANTLY put himself down and asked me why I liked him or let alone talked to "someone like him"), and I thanked them for the emotional support. When everyone went to bed, I silently started crying.

Since the day of the break up, my ex and I haven't spoken not one word to each other. It's been a month and a week of silence. We live about 20 miles apart by car. In the break up, I told him that I would talk to him someday, and I know that I shouldn't have said that, because I guess him not reaching out for me was beacuse I said that, but still... I can't believe I was brushed aside and forgotten JUST LIKE THAT! :sad: He has told me all the time back then how cool and amazing I was... He even told me that I was his dream girl (I felt it was a bit too quick for him to label me that, but whatever, i was flattered and thought he was cute for saying that.) and I just thought he really did enjoyed me as a person. Guess not.

If I could label his personality type... I would say he's an INFJ, or an INTJ (SORRY, HAD TO CHANGE IT!). He's VERY introverted, no lie.

But anyway... I know I should move on and stuff, and I am, little by little... I am realizing that I deserve nothing but the very best, that he's a bit too odd sometimes for me to understand, and he's a bit emotionally stunted and can be a bit harsh with his words... But, my heart still yearns for him for some stupid reason. He's such a loser, but he was my loser, and he was adorable if it wasn't for his major insecurity issue that was probably the sole reason he dumped me for.

Sigh... I'm sorry for writing a novel, but I had to get this off my chest. I am so utterly confused as to why it had to end so abruptly and so coldly...

Thanks for reading. You INFPs got any advice for me, as well as horrible break up stories of your own? :mellow:

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Stillwater

· #2 · Sep 5, 2010

Sorry to hear. Definitely was his issues not yours, it probably had very little to do with you from his perspective.

I've been through a lot of relationships and even a 3 month marriage once and remember once hoping that at least it should get easier over time, as I become a bit jaded with age. But to be honest it never has, not for me anyway, I do have a habit of going all in, probably like most infp's, so the eventual drop feels that much harder, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's well worn and cliched but the only answer and eraser is time. I went out today on my first date, with another infp funny enough, after a bad break up just over a year ago, and yes it took that long to get over her and to move on. I used to chastise and condemn myself for not being able to get over people sooner, now I just honor my feelings and who I am and what it takes, there's no point in adding more pain to the equation, we are sensitive people.

I'll add one other quick thing, I'm not saying this pertains to the OP of this thread whatsoever, but for some people who go through a lot of pain, rumination, obsessive and possibly suicidal thoughts, its worth exploring attachment issues. If you feel you need someone to complete you or can't go on without them, it's sometimes a signal that you had some childhood issues that left you feeling incomplete, often important mother bonding or a distant father at a very early age, that later get projected in adult relationships. There are a lot of books and therapists available on this subject that can bring about change.

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PrincePhilip

· #3 · Sep 5, 2010

Well first off I'd like to commend your courage to talk to a total stranger, and be willing to actually go out and meet him. I could never do that. I don't feel like any guy who would cut you off out of the blue, and basically just use you for a few months and end it with you on aim is worth any kind of a second thought. A person like that is not very well suited for people like us. About the things he told you that you thought were "cute". I wouldn't give any thought to that. Words are words. They have no meaning until the person who says them gives those words meaning. I'd consider them empty promises. Kind of like somebody giving you an I.O.U. He might be your "loser", but don't let him stop you from finding your "hero". He has a lot more issues than just being insecure. You're going to be just fine. You have a wonderful relationship with your parents if you can be so open with them about something so close to your heart like this, and I don't doubt that you will find someone better in the near future. Keep your chin up pal things will be okay.

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ForsakenMe

Discussion Starter · #4 · Sep 5, 2010

Stillwater said:
Sorry to hear. Definitely was his issues not yours, it probably had very little to do with you from his perspective.

I've been through a lot of relationships and even a 3 month marriage once and remember once hoping that at least it should get easier over time, as I become a bit jaded with age. But to be honest it never has, not for me anyway, I do have a habit of going all in, probably like most infp's, so the eventual drop feels that much harder, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's well worn and cliched but the only answer and eraser is time. I went out today on my first date, with another infp funny enough, after a bad break up just over a year ago, and yes it took that long to get over her and to move on. I used to chastise and condemn myself for not being able to get over people sooner, now I just honor my feelings and who I am and what it takes, there's no point in adding more pain to the equation, we are sensitive people.

I'll add one other quick thing, I'm not saying this pertains to the OP of this thread whatsoever, but for some people who go through a lot of pain, rumination, obsessive and possibly suicidal thoughts, its worth exploring attachment issues. If you feel you need someone to complete you or can't go on without them, it's sometimes a signal that you had some childhood issues that left you feeling incomplete, often important mother bonding or a distant father at a very early age, that later get projected in adult relationships. There are a lot of books and therapists available on this subject that can bring about change.

When my first love and I broke up, it also took me over a year to get over him and start looking at other guys again. I hear you on that, totally.

I don't NEED someone to complete me, it's just that, especially now, since I've left all my high school friends behind in favor of new, more mature ones (that I still haven't made yet... I only have some very good online friends, but I WANT offline friends that I can see and hang out with in the flesh) and now I'm feeling even more desperate these days.

I will NOT rebound... I refuse. It's not fair for me, or for other guys. I don't use people like that, I'm sorry. I still need some more time to grieve a little before going out with guys again...

PrincePhilip said:
Well first off I'd like to commend your courage to talk to a total stranger, and be willing to actually go out and meet him. I could never do that. I don't feel like any guy who would cut you off out of the blue, and basically just use you for a few months and end it with you on aim is worth any kind of a second thought. A person like that is not very well suited for people like us. About the things he told you that you thought were "cute". I wouldn't give any thought to that. Words are words. They have no meaning until the person who says them gives those words meaning. I'd consider them empty promises. Kind of like somebody giving you an I.O.U. He might be your "loser", but don't let him stop you from finding your "hero". He has a lot more issues than just being insecure. You're going to be just fine. You have a wonderful relationship with your parents if you can be so open with them about something so close to your heart like this, and I don't doubt that you will find someone better in the near future. Keep your chin up pal things will be okay.

I don't think he used me. Before we even met in person, he would talk about how he's friends with his exes still (shows me that he's a nice guy and doesn't believe in having a lot of enemies), and that when his sister hooked up with a guy and ended up never calling her again, he couldn't "understand" it and felt bad for her. He couldn't understand why people act cruel towards people and forget about the ones that are supposed to be important to them...

I know that words are just words, but he also showed me in more ways than one that he indeed liked me a lot. He drove me everywhere, he would stare at me in awe and wonder (I would catch him all the time!), he would try and appear as cool as possible just to impress me, he told me a very private secret of his that only I and his very best friend knows... I could list more, but I'm sure you get the gist of it.

I feel bad for him, and I do miss him and still think about him a lot... I just wish I could remove all of my feelings for him with a snap of my fingers, but I just can't! :crying: It wouldn't be an INFP thing to do!

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Coccinellidae

· #5 · Sep 5, 2010

I think that he actually didn't lose his feelings for you but he seemed to be just...very confused and insecure. Problems with work, money and car... seems like those problems buried down the feelings that he had for you or he just buried down the feelings purposely because he felt lack of care from you. It's hard to think clearly when you see problems here and there...especially when it seems like the problems won't end.

I might be wrong, but it seems like you didn't show him your care enough. I think this is the one thing what made him even worse and more insecure.
Think about it... were you there when he needed you? Because it seems like you weren't. But showing your care, being supportive... that's what he all needed from you. That's what he needed to gain some hope. I'm sorry to say but this is what I read from your post.. lack of interest and fear of showing your feelings.

„I took it well and showed him that I was fine“
How fine did you show yourself to be? You weren't fine, right? Girl.. don't hide yourself behind the mask, just be...genuine and true for yourself...and for others...

Anyway, I feel sorry for you and I feel sorry for him. I think that you should talk to him, just to ask how he is doing..

Take care!

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ForsakenMe

Discussion Starter · #6 · Sep 6, 2010

Fira said:
I think that he actually didn't lose his feelings for you but he seemed to be just...very confused and insecure. Problems with work, money and car... seems like those problems buried down the feelings that he had for you or he just buried down the feelings purposely because he felt lack of care from you. It's hard to think clearly when you see problems here and there...especially when it seems like the problems won't end.

I might be wrong, but it seems like you didn't show him your care enough. I think this is the one thing what made him even worse and more insecure.
Think about it... were you there when he needed you? Because it seems like you weren't. But showing your care, being supportive... that's what he all needed from you. That's what he needed to gain some hope. I'm sorry to say but this is what I read from your post.. lack of interest and fear of showing your feelings.

„I took it well and showed him that I was fine“
How fine did you show yourself to be? You weren't fine, right? Girl.. don't hide yourself behind the mask, just be...genuine and true for yourself...and for others...

Anyway, I feel sorry for you and I feel sorry for him. I think that you should talk to him, just to ask how he is doing..

Take care!

Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it.

Well, to be honest, I tried my very best to be as cool and nonchalant as possible, because I didn't want to scare him away. I know that guys deal with emotions differently than us girls do, and I didn't want to appear like I'm all over the place emotionally just because I like him a lot.

When we were together, I did show him and told him in more ways than one that I do like him. Whenever he felt insecure about his financial situation, I would tell him and be like, "I'm sure everything will be okay, you'll find a job soon, I have faith in you, etc etc." ... I guess I could have done more than that, but I just felt too scared to give too much too soon.

I am part of this other website, that's about break ups and people go there to get support from other people who are also dealing with breaks ups and divorces. They always drill it in my head that when someone dumps you, NEVER BEG, NEVER SHOW TOO MUCH EMOTIONS, NEVER TALK TO THEM AFTER THAT. Let them talk to you, let them work for it, etc etc. Basically, do everything the opposite of how you feel... I don't know if it's working, because so far, I've heard nothing from my ex.

But the "no contact" rule has helped me calm myself down emotionally, and prepare myself if he or I ever break no contact someday. I might talk to him in the near future, because I do miss our conversations and stuff. :/

Sigh. When his car broke down, that's when he felt extremely inadequate.

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Lina113

· #7 · Aug 19, 2013

So I liked this guy (first love) for seven years, and he knew from the start. He was trying to be nice, so he never said anything about it and just acted really normal around me... I had no idea he knew that I liked him from the start, and I was super tense about him anyway... I clammed up and acted like the 95% introvert that I am (around my closest friends I can be quite an extrovert, but when I'm not around them, but feel like I really have a connection with someone, I can be as much of a loser as anyone. Anyway, he was unpopular and I thought he was quite an individualist; so I did what most idealists do, I idealized about him. I made it out that he wanted to live outside of the 'box' of popularity, like me (I struggled with self-identity issues in the past, but had just now realized that I didn't want to be popular).
Side Note- I started liking him before I realized who I really was, and when I was wanting to be popular, then still liked him those last few years out of the full seven, when I didn't know quite who I was, but I knew I didn't want to be popular.
Anyway, I had made him out to be someone he really wasn't. In truth, he had always wanted to be popular, like I once did, but he acted on his wishes. I feel like he didn't take the time to really find himself, so he will truly never be happy with his-self, but then again, I could be very wrong, I pegged him wrong once, it could happen again, maybe many times again. He completely changed, becoming more of an extravert than I really thought he was. He started ignoring all his old friends, for the new, shiny, populars.
I felt like I was just a broken toy in his toy chest, while he had just gotten new ones, new ones that I felt didn't know him as well as all his old ones... If we're speaking metaphorically anyway.
Skip to months, maybe a year after he abandoned all his old friends. It was my birthday. He texted my best friend, telling her something like he missed me (he had her number because she is something of a popular). I told her to reply that he changed. So apparently he got really mad at me, and we really haven't talked since, and when we have, it's just been small talk. I heard he might've liked me last school year, but we never talked then either (It's been about two years since apparently 'I' ruined whatever we had). Then he suddenly got 'over' me (don't ask how I know this, it's too complicated).
I'm still not over him. I feel like if he had taken the time to really find his-self, we wouldn't have an issue. I don't know. Maybe I'm a control freak. I just miss who he used to be, or at least the daydream I had of him. Maybe I never really fell in love with him, but just some sort of perfect image I created of him. I feel like no matter what other guy comes into my life, the thought of him gets in the way of what could possibly be a chance to get over him. Do I have a right to feel so crappy about being abandoned? Do I have a right to be mad at him, or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Does he have a right to be mad at me? Am I being stuck up for ending our friendship whenever he started befriending populars (people who I wish I could see the good in, but I simply can't seem to anymore, I've just gotten sick of them in their shallowness and drama, etc. I want to see the good in them, like I used to, but they've simply burnt me out)? I just can't seem to sift through all of these loose cannon emotions on my own... Advice? Can anyone relate? Anyone?

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