Personality Cafe banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,157 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I am aware that I could offend you all by posting this. And I think by now that most of you know this is never the true nature of my intentions. Though I am a little afraid, I will go ahead anyway.

Firstly, I had a quick look around and I can't see anything quite like this thread. At the same time as it being (hopefully) novel, I also think it is unlikely that an INFJ would themselves ever start this conversation. As far as I understand you, I think you would see it as somewhat selfish - but I strongly disagree.

So I'm going to take it upon myself to do it for you. I hope you don't mind. I think you deserve a proper chance to say more about yourselves, instead of feeling like you should be concentrating on others all the time. I also don't stand up enough for what I believe in, in my life - well that's how I feel anyway - but I hate the idea that you people are not offered all the respect you deserve.

Finally, you are no good to others around you, if you yourselves are neglected. So...


Do you sometimes let people treat you badly?

Do you think you are taken for granted at times?

Are you ok with putting others first at the cost of your own well-being?


And I know that I could answer "yes" to these questions to some extent too. But I also *know* that it would not be as big a "yes" as many people might give as their answer. So I mean more than anyone *average* might typically do.

And don't be modest!

Anyway, I mean no offense, and I do not wish to upset you in any way -- but from some of the comments I have seen around this place I get the feeling you do sometimes take too much of the burden in life upon yourselves.

Things like this make me wonder too:

(Quoted in part from INFJ Relationships)

INFJ Weaknesses

Tendency to hold back part of themselves
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

If so, then that truly saddens me. No one should be disrespected or overlooked in such a way.

I know that you may find it hard to open up about things, I do too. But please: If you feel you can, then you have all of my support and respect in doing so.

Someone needs to look out for you too, so even if I am totally wrong, then I hope you understand why I asked, and can therefore accept me having done so.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Azure Bass

·
Registered
Joined
·
571 Posts
All the time.

Are you ok with putting others first at the cost of your own well-being

Yes for a just cause. The good feeling is very rewarding.

Chivalry is not dead! I end up holding the door to public places for a dozen people at times. Small things like that. I'm not a large sacrifice kind of person (aka mother theresa), but I like to do the small things that people normally wouldn't do.

What pisses me off is I can tell when people start walking faster to get into a store so they don't have to hold the door. I'll sometimes wait at the door for people to walk up to it.


Do you think you are taken for granted at times?

As far as being taken advantage of, I do this willingly, and I don't like, it but I ALWAYS volunteer.

A good example is when there may a big event and the friends want to go to the bar and see it. The popular bars are going to be packed. I will be the first to volunteer to 'table sit', or save a table for my friends. Depending on what event it is, I may table sit for up to an hour before the event starts. As the bar quickly fills with people, I get the annoying stares when there are no more tables and people are looking for a seat. What's really frustrating were the times when the friends had to be 'fashionably late'. Totally taken advantage of, but I still do it.
 

·
MOTM October 2013
Joined
·
6,443 Posts
Do you sometimes let people treat you badly?
I'm working on spotting it and not letting them. I try to push back and not accept the bad behavior, but go along with the good. People treat you how you train them to. If they see that acting nicely gets more out of you, they start acting nicely more often.

But I do have a "point of no return" where the other person gets door-slammed if they still just don't get it. If they change, they're welcome back anytime. If they don't (and they probably won't), then...oh well. It's all on them at that point.


Do you think you are taken for granted at times?

Yes. All the time. I think people only realize how much if I have to leave them for whatever reason. I even got one of my friends to admit this out loud, but it didn't make her change how she acted towards me afterward--still taking me for granted. We're not so much friends as acquaintances now. I have a high tolerance for unequal give-and-take, but the longer someone's my friend, the more the "debt" grows, and I expect more out of them. Eventually I just move them to my periphery friends and taper off how much I give if they continue only treating me like a convenience. I do have my limits.

Are you ok with putting others first at the cost of your own well-being?

Yes, always, if I can afford it, and I often can. Or at least I think I can, and run myself into the ground for it later. :mellow:

And not really a question asked, but somewhat related--if you try to manipulate me into ANYTHING, you get door-slammed double-quick. I'm friends and do things for other people because I WANT to, not because I'm forced to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
571 Posts
Guilty. I try to curb my natural, imperfect quirks and character flaws, because I'm all about self-improvement.

But now that I never get offended at things, or impose myself on others, or force opinions down throats, or expect others to return the favors I freely give, or make mountains out of mole hills, or even gossip about acquantances, or hold long-term grudges and hard feelings, and any other flaws that one can think of, the people around me can treat me like a rag doll and not expect very many reprecussions.

After all, what's the nice, gentle, outwardly patient Goaty going to do about it? I don't bite, harass, or attack, so what's to fear when it comes to tossing me aside one day when one has had his fun with me? When the excitement of meeting a new person and getting to know him is over? When a time arises to cut the friendship, no strings attached? When one can drop me as a friend when the latest shiny, interesting toy of a person comes wandering around the corner?

Yes, I'm speaking from experience. :crying: Sadly enough, it usually happens with the people whom I'm closest to.

[/end of pity party]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,675 Posts
I am aware that I could offend you all by posting this. And I think by now that most of you know this is never the true nature of my intentions. Though I am a little afraid, I will go ahead anyway.
Offend me... hahaha, if you offend me, I'll be sure to let you know so we can talk it out right there. Passive aggressiveness doesn't suite me. (I'm direct like that)

So I'm going to take it upon myself to do it for you. I hope you don't mind. I think you deserve a proper chance to say more about yourselves, instead of feeling like you should be concentrating on others all the time. I also don't stand up enough for what I believe in, in my life - well that's how I feel anyway - but I hate the idea that you people are not offered all the respect you deserve.
I'm not your typical INFJ, but I'll play :wink:

Finally, you are no good to others around you, if you yourselves are neglected. So...
I'll drink to that!

Do you sometimes let people treat you badly?
On occasion... :laughing: Though just about the instant someone does, I tend to speak up. (Questions first, of course... I don't go out swinging) :wink:

Do you think you are taken for granted at times?
Sure. People can be dicks sometimes.

Are you ok with putting others first at the cost of your own well-being
Oh yes, absolutely. There are times when you need to put your own selfish desires aside, and do something for your fellow man, and take your hits in the name of it. If your fellow man is taking advantage of you for selfish gains though... Fuck-um, am I right?

Anyway, I mean no offense, and I do not wish to upset you in any way -- but from some of the comments I have seen around this place I get the feeling you do sometimes take too much of the burden in life upon yourselves.
Oh yeah... Yeah... in my high school years.. weight of the world was on my shoulders. I was in relationships with damaged women, trying to "fix" them... I spent my days befriending people who I thought were socially awkward and were having a hard time in High school, and I did my best to help them feel accepted.

It was a huge burden... I felt like... if I didn't do it, no one would, you know?

If so, then that truly saddens me. No one should be disrespected or overlooked in such a way.

I know that you may find it hard to open up about things, I do too. But please: If you feel you can, then you have all of my support and respect in doing so.

Someone needs to look out for you too, so even if I am totally wrong, then I hope you understand why I asked, and can therefore accept me having done so.
Yeah... I renounced the whole martyr thing back in high school... went down another road and didn't look back. I don't know how I would have survived if I stayed as serious and ethics-minded as I was.

I figure some INFJs are still shouldering that burden... my heart goes out to them.

Me... I intentionally go the other way and I have to force myself to be more selfish just to achieve what I see as a more balanced and happy life. :laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,157 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
... I don't go out swinging :wink:
Oh. So you're more into dogging then? :dry:



But seriously... thanks for what you have all said so far.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,157 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Thanks for filling this forum with all your love, man :wink:
I don't do *love*

I do like though.

That ok?



EDIT: I'm derailing my own thread here -- HELP ME INFJ's!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
361 Posts
Do you sometimes let people treat you badly?

No. Minor stuff like occasional rudeness I'll let slide, but when people cross the line I don't hesitate to do something about it. Doubly so if I see someone else being mistreated. Just because I don't like conflict doesn't mean I'll tolerate mistreatment.

Do you think you are taken for granted at times?

Occasionally, but I tend to stay away from the people who take me for granted.

Are you ok with putting others first at the cost of your own well-being?

Only if they've been kind to me. I won't stick my neck out for a jerk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,190 Posts
I won't be modest since you asked us not to be.

Do you sometimes let people treat you badly?

I've let people rely on me thinking they will get a yes every time.
I've given permission for an event to happen that set insecurities in stone under the manipulation scheme of the requester.
I've allowed racial slurs to happen around me without a care to justify the stupidity the boaster examplifed.
The edgy souls around me always thought they fed on my weaknesses, and now I'm progressing while others are standing still in the same physical area. I am looked down upon for the little things that go by.

Yes, I let people treat me badly sometimes. It's un-justified by anything outside of a belief system because I've denied my intuition so many times over the time I've been alive.

Do you think you are taken for granted at times?

By my submission to outward forces that I know mean no good, yes.

Are you ok with putting others first at the cost of your own well-being?

I ought to put myself first after all the bull that I've seen and helped happen from putting others before me trying to practice good intentions. After the reinforcement of facts that I've confirmed through my philosophy class, I can see that I've been selfish trying to practice good intent by helping others trying to lead my own values. The loop hole that keeps happening is that people keep using me for their own ends instead of even considering what I have to offer them if they listen to my voice and not my words.

I don't know how I feel about this question because I'm so ready to make a humane limitation on the context of what I think you're asking because I have puppets to clear out of my consideration before I can make a sound judgement on the whole question.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Epimer

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,610 Posts
Interesting...people have never really approached these particular characteristics (that I definitely share) with any amount of compassion before. Usually I'll get berated for being "weak" instead.

Do you sometimes let people treat you badly?

Sadly, yes. My tendency to want to believe the best in people winds up biting me in the ass and making me ignore the fact that I'm being taken advantage of. It's kind of a hardening experience, but it has toughened me up enough to develop an extremely low bullshit tolerance. I think somewhere I assume that, since I treat the people I love with...well...love, that they would do the same for me. Unfortunately, I avoid the thought that those who do not perhaps don't actually love me back.

Do you think you are taken for granted at times?


Oh, yes...I'm sure everyone does. But I often deal with this:

Friend: "You're the most level-headed, empathetic person I know, and you understand me - can you help me with these problems I'm having?"
Me: "Sure, shoot."
*insert two hours of them talking and me helping*
Friend: "So, how have you been lately?"
Me: "Well, actually, things haven't been so good--"
Friend: "WAIT LET'S KEEP TALKING ABOUT ME! KTHXBYE!"

It's a bit annoying when someone only calls on you when they want something from you. But, they're "Takers" - it's what they do with everyone.

Are you ok with putting others first at the cost of your own well-being?

I'm not always "ok" with it, but I'll usually do it because I somehow feel like it's my obligation/duty to do so. It's strange, but my entire life I've felt like I've needed to make up for something that I've either done wrong or something that I lack...and I'm not even sure what it is I've apparently done wrong or lacked. Basically, if I put myself first, I feel guilty for being selfish, and I figure that my own well-being is a small price to pay for someone else's.

I suppose the best way to explain all of that is this: In the grand scheme of things, I am a small person, and I'm not nearly as important as other people are. What right do I have to ignore their needs?

Yes, it's twisted, and I've been berated for having this outlook on myself in the past (which is why I'm usually so reluctant to share it, but I figured I'd take a risk here in case others around here felt the same way), but it's not something I'm able to turn off. No, I do not get personal satisfaction out of helping people or being a "martyr." I simply prefer to be useful...I don't see much point to my life if I'm not.

I'll let you in on another secret as well. :wink: Those questions you posted? Yeah, I don't ever forgive myself for the fact that I have to say "yes" to all three of them. It's why I don't feel like I have the right to complain for even feel sad about it - it's MY fault that I allow it to happen, and it's MY fault for not turning it off as much as I should. I can't in good conscience say people take advantage of me because I'm the one who allows them to do it. I can't in good conscience blame anyone else but myself. And, oddly enough, I can't in good conscience be any other way.

I suppose this illustrates that I do, indeed, have (impossibly) high expectations of myself - I feel this inexplicable drive to make sure I'm pleasing everyone else before I can even begin to think about being content. And, interestingly, I do hold back a big part of myself most of the time largely due to the fact that I have an extreme dislike of conflict and criticism. Also, I've never been able to forgive myself for NOT leaving bad relationships in the past...instead I have to reprimand myself over and over again for being weak.

Good lord, this makes me seem like a complete emotional train wreck, doesn't it? I swear to you I am not. :laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,819 Posts
Do you sometimes let people treat you badly?
No. Not intentionally. I have a strong spidey sense when it comes to others treatment of me. It takes someone with exceptional skill to avoid my walls and get in for a personal attack. But when I was younger, my spidey sense wasn't all that evolved as it is today so I have let a lot of people treat me like crap and get away with it too.


Do you think you are taken for granted at times?
Again, this was a problem for Jawz the youngling. I've grown up a lot in the last 23 years and have become much more self-aware of recognizing that I'm being taken for granted. Now I simply point it out openly. And if the person accepts then great, we work on the relationship. And if not - then they're welcome to try to argue - or get the hell away from me. My walls go up faster now than they used to in the past. Actually, makes me worried about the next poor soul who walks into my life.

Are you ok with putting others first at the cost of your own well-being?
All the time. Even now. Despite the heart-break, heart-ache - no matter how selfish I aspire to become I am at my best when I'm helping someone else. Now my goal is to use my experiences to help out the next generation. (No I'm not 60 years old) but I'm half-way there and have experienced more in my 30 years than most people do in 90. I will do whatever it takes to help those that are close to me - and I don't care if it means hurting myself in the process.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top