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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
[NOTE: I wrote this for myself this morning after I (1) read this discussion on the cognitive processes in relation to the INFJ, and (2) I had a brief psychosis due to my overwhelming internal and external pressure at the moment. I thought it may help other INFJs who are struggling (at least I hope it does!). Please excuse any sort of poor grammar, misspelling, etc.]

It all begins with my visions that can be seen through day-dreams and longings.

My vision which I’m unconscious of at first (via Introverted Intuition, or Ni). My vision exposes my own psychological insecurities: the fear of loss, security and abandonment; the need for belonging, humane expression, intrapersonal and interpersonal peace, overcome intrapersonal doubts and fears, satisfaction, significance and a power and means to act upon the environment. These are seen via my projections onto archetypes (for example, Captain Benjamin Sisko) or the anthropomizing of ideas.

As I write about the latter, I’m reminded of the lofty vision I once held myself to as an adolescent. It was once so lofty that it is no wonder I felt so deflated and defeated (through the external circumstance or my own demise).

When the vision(s) are ‘attacked’ or thwarted whether they be from the unexpected feelings in the ‘here-and-now’ (ex., anger; depression; envy; longing; loss; lust), my own grandiosity or, on the other hand, self-doubt, and external circumstances I cannot control, I do feel that my entire sense of self is affected.

But, in truth, it isn’t. I’m exposed to a sense of reality that is, indeed, terrifying: that of pain and the lack of what it means to be a person (by my own standard, of course). The notion that this pain will never end disturbs me; the damage has been dealt, and there is no way within or around me that I can, at the moment, transform myself. I don’t feel as if I can survive anymore, but here I actually am in the physical realm. I’m afraid to act upon the world at the moment, and I’m afraid of my own intrapersonal world as well. Both seem hallowed at the moment, and this cycle has, again, repeated itself. And it isn’t a cycle of the universe; it is my own. And my anger at its reality is overwhelming to the point that I feel I want to destroy myself and subsequently destroy my cycle. Death seems to be the only solution, for the self is at once stable and yet ever changing. But if it doesn’t exist, then it can’t be stable nor changing. It is non-existent.

The world out there and within doesn’t threaten the vision. It is simply that: a vision, and nothing more. But my narrowness and surprising confidence in it is hurt when I feel ‘attacked’ or thwarted. I feel that if my vision doesn’t conform to reality around me, then by implications either my vision is ‘worthless’ or reality is unsatisfying. But the truth is that both are, at once, right and, at once, wrong. Reality is, ultimately, never satisfying, as the ideal may never be obtained. Yet it is satisfying through sensualism, which I’ve come to learn and appreciate, even though it is inevitably tied to loss. The loss of sensualism is, essentially, a loss of myself. The vision itself is based upon wish-fulfillment in and of itself; it is based upon an ideal, or at least a subjective ideal of what would, indeed, satisfy that unconscious lacking. The vision lacks previous acknowledgement of my success; it highlights what is lacking. It highlights what is absent, and, uncontrolled, it neglects all that I have, indeed, done. All that I have achieved. To write this, to make sense of my mind is a success in and of itself.

Which is why I must continue to be actively participative in the world. It hones the vision, makes it more tangible. It connects me to others, and by understanding them the vision becomes more real. The journey becomes worthwhile when I contemplate briefly what that may become like. ‘The chaotic inner vision’ and subsequently its implications, though no matter how far-fetched or whatever, must be accepted; I can’t avoid it. It simply is who I am.
 

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I have to say that this is one if the best thread in the INFJ forum I have read in a while, and at the same time not so great. Maybe if you put P-ness or What if in the title the maybe people would stop and listen. This kinda reminds me of when I was like 16 or 17 in the majority of what you have said here. The big part with Ni and our life goals or visions is the two can be so entwined it can be hard to separate and with this our whole life can be affected in such a way that can lead to negativity. Our hopes and desires getting mixed in with our Ni and as you mentioned our Ni can open Pandora's box. Infusing such a mixture that can alter our very being. Leading us on the ever internal quest to better ourself for the glory of growth and Individualism. A lot of times this journey leads us astray or grabbing at straws. Not realizing that sometimes the vision implicates ourselves and ignorantly unknowing running from what we think we are thinking we are achieving. Until we face our our own archetype in truth we will forever be running in circles like nomads with no stars to guide us. Ni does not always exposes our psychological insecurities all the time but it does when ever this does arise. If one gets rid of these psychological insecurities then the Pandora's box has no control over you instead a realization of truth and certainty of this truth. A lot of times we are unable to face this but when we are face to face we must stand firm and accept what brings forth with strength and valor. Sadly many times we project and reflect instead. To accept change in what we do not want is to triumph amongst the odds...
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
...If one gets rid of these psychological insecurities then the Pandora's box has no control over you instead a realization of truth and certainty of this truth. A lot of times we are unable to face this but when we are face to face we must stand firm and accept what brings forth with strength and valor. Sadly many times we project and reflect instead. To accept change in what we do not want is to triumph amongst the odds...
Agreed.

What you wrote is precisely the reason I continue my counseling now even though I'm metaphorically diving into a lot of intrapersonal pain that had built up throughout my lifetime. With that pain comes 'existential' questions that I preferred not to ask because (1) they're not 'practical' (ex., when it comes to job security or whether or not there is a significant power I'd lean toward job security), and (2) they're unanswerable. But I might as well ask them so long as I remind myself not to seriously expect any sort of answer anytime soon.

That pain was, as you wrote, first projected upon the world. Behind every 'vision' for myself and my future was a 'world' without pain. But it was my pain, and it is my burden to bear. I hurt so badly and want to quit, but I won't. I might as well not, but I can if I want to.

Sadly, I don't believe anymore that we can 'get rid' of psychological insecurities. Our insecurities will follow us throughout our entire lives; with every new person or setting our insecurities will reappear even when we thought we overcame them. Our pain will follow us for the rest of our lives. Our trauma has affected us. It has done its damage for the remainder of our lives. And I was afraid of that fact. No 'vision' can counteract that psychological fact; it is what it is.

But there is hope: first, in recognition and affirmation about our own insecurities and pain. As usual this is easier said than done. For me it took at least three months of counseling to trust my counselor, set aside my desire to control myself and others and significantly accept that I could even feel pain beyond what was physical. I surprisingly had a weak sense of self minus any sort of physiological feeling (which I would, at the time, confuse as an emotion), though I could 'sum up' someone else very well (which seems quite common with xNFJs and perhaps xSFJs). It took another six months to begin exploring how my past was affecting my present and future, particularly in reference to my 'addictive' cycles. My own worldview was slowly exposed through this exploration, and it wasn't at all flattering. Then it took another four months to practice being in the 'here-and-now' and recognize what was hindering me from being in the 'here-and-now'. All the growth, coping strategies and skills I've learned were and are worthwhile, but the fact remains: the trauma and pain will exert an influence on me for the remainder of my life, and there is nothing I can do about it other than accept and manage it. That is the next process and goal for me: to learn to turn what I feel is a curse and a burden into a possible blessing.

I'm reminded about what I read for a description of an E8: though it may seem weak to accept vulnerability, it actuality it makes you stronger because at least you are aware of where your most vulnerable.

I feel like I'm preaching here, but I feel convicted by all this because I've seen that there is, indeed, hope. But that hope is slowly fleeting day by day, and we have to reach out for ourselves to have it.
 

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SuperunknownVortex
I'm not going to write anything so profound, as you have done...I simply want to say thank you for sharing. I believe what you have written from your experience will help others, as I am sure writing your experince helps you.

Life circles.
 
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Sadly, I don't believe anymore that we can 'get rid' of psychological insecurities. Our insecurities will follow us throughout our entire lives; with every new person or setting our insecurities will reappear even when we thought we overcame them. Our pain will follow us for the rest of our lives. Our trauma has affected us. It has done its damage for the remainder of our lives. And I was afraid of that fact. No 'vision' can counteract that psychological fact; it is what it is.

But there is hope: first, in recognition and affirmation about our own insecurities and pain. As usual this is easier said than done.
Well, I have come to the realization that even if psychological insecurities can be overcome, it does not happen overnight.

There was a thread not long ago about confidence, and some replied that it had to be "faked" before it could become real, and I now think this is true actually.

I was doing that, and I didn't feel right about it. I feel so bad about being dishonest about anything at all that I would often feel the need to say,

"Well, I'm not really as confident as I'm letting on."

But by saying that, the feeling of hope for confidence started to dwindle. It feels almost hypocritical to say that all insecurties are gone, but I get discouraged if I let on that they are not. I start to wonder if they will ever go away, and then they come back in full-force for all to see.

"Recognition and affirmation about our own insecurites and pain"- I like this.

This is the first step, and since you realize that this is the first step, I think that this should indeed give you hope. Your pain does not have to ruin your life. There may be a part of you that has been shaped from it that might not otherwise be so, and in this case it can build character, and you may actually be all the better for having it.
 
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