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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I need some advice or some third party insight. For many years now I suffered from a problem where upon being around my family invokes a feeling of despair perhaps. Its perhaps a larger mix because I have been unable to pinpoint the exact emotion I feel. But I can tell you that its strong... and often potent.

Perhaps my question requires clarity. I am the self-proclaimed (and strong applied by others) black sheep of my family. My family are pre-dominantly S types (the only possible exception being my younger brother who may be NT) and as I'm an N type there has always been some friction between us. Even when I was a small child, my parents said I absolutely refused to do as I was told, I was defiant and I would always question everything they asked me to do as if I knew best and would only do what I wanted to do (some things never change :happy:) This was worst with my grandmother, who is mentally unstable (she seems to be STJ but has an element of depressed N to her, which may be where my N came from.) Even today we are like worse enemies, bringing out the worst in each other. There have been numerous difficulties and complications between myself and my family throughout my life. These were worst when I was an extremely emotionally unhealthy teenager circa 2002-2003 (some problems still persist today but I keep them hidden from others and deal with them myself.) I don't know if wounds were created and have been left unresolved but I can't stand being around them at all. I don't think I even love them nor trust them either. Maybe I was simply too much for them to handle from the start, a far-left wing idealist with an inferiority complex in a right wing household who prefer much simpler pleasures is bound to cause problems. There are fewer problems these days but these days I barely talk to them (see below.) I don't recall having these problems as a child thus my concern.

The feeling sometimes hits you like a ton of bricks. When I come home from work, my fuse shortens considerably, I even become irate. The house feels like a big hub of negativity and it hits you as soon as you walk through the door. They may in part contribute to this themselves as everyone is always arguing with everyone else. If this is a factor I don't think it is the main one because I react negatively even if there are only a few people here. At work, it is like a living hell (call centre for an introvert isn't enjoyable) and people treat me as if I'm some clumsy idiot yet I don't become anywhere as near as irate with them as my family is at home. I have only ever felt this atmosphere around my family. Even long, contemplative, introspective walks home don't seem to help me when I get there. When they aren't around I feel much happier and my mind feels clearer. Right now, everybody is in bed except for me. There is so much contentment here downstairs (where usually there is so much noise and negativity I can't think sometimes) so my mind can feel free (if someone comes downstairs my intolerance bubbles up a little.) Otherwise this only exists in my room. When I get home, I eat dinner as quickly as I can and either bury my head in music (helps me withdraw at these times into my own personal world) and go up to my room and clear my thoughts.

I think I've covered all the points so could anyone advise? We are a miserable family in a fatalist country yet still I feel there is more to it than that. I can't speak to my parents at all, I've never told them I sometimes feel suicidal and how unhappy our family us. I don't think they would believe me anyway, it's such a pain. Maybe I should allow the wounds to heal but I fear my subconscious has simply shut the door on them forever, one of my dreams is to find a life of fulfilment (out there somewhere) and I don't think I would stay overly attached to them if I did. Maybe I'm just an arsehole I don't know.

Can anybody advise?
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Could nobody offer any advice? Perhaps my tendency to be attracted to melodrama has blown the issue out of proportion, maybe I'm just a pain in the arse and they are all a pain in the arse as well?
 

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Well I don't know if this is going to be helpful, as I haven't really found a solution myself sir :proud: but..

You know, only after I did an anthropology class, did I realise that everyones family is at least a little fucked up. Some to more degrees than others. I don't know if you can relate, but although I love mine, sometimes I think the institution of a family can seem more like an image than something of substance.

I'm sure many people can empathise with what you're going through, I have many troubles with one of my sisters and that alone is enough to ruin my day and put me in a terrible mood. So I can't imagine what that might feel like feeling that sense of negativity every time you walked in the door. I know what it feels like to be in constant fight mode and it is incredibly stressful and such a burden. God knows how many times i've muttered "I can't wait until I leave" after a fight, heh.

I think it is important to find a place where you feel a least a bit more freedom to be you. I guess there are options of attempting to make the most of home life, and spending as least possible time you can at home. I know you've mentioned this before, but how much thought have you put into getting your own place? and is it truly a viable option? maybe a break from the family might give you that fresh sense of independence and freedom. It sounds to me like you're feeling very shackled where you are right now, and home environment tends to shape a lot of our attitudes towards the future and such. You appear to me to be someone who is incharge of their own life and competent at looking after yourself, maybe this is the time to loosen the ties to your family? or maybe it's a time to make amends. I don't know.. this is terrible advice that i'm sure you've thought of before, but I don't know the full extent of your situation, so I can't give a new perspective confidently. Maybe someone with a bit more ni and te than me can help you more :proud:

How would your parents react if they knew how unhappy you were? do you think anything would change? is the real problem that you think nothing will change or that it will keep getting worse?
 

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From what I hear that you're saying:
A. Family life sucks
B. Work life isn't most conducive to long-term happiness.
C. You've always felt rejected by the people you seem to love most.
D. You're feeling a bit hopeless at this moment in time..

Being the black sheep isn't fun.. I've been in that position before.. It seems like you want to tell your family, but something's holding you back- because (from what I'm interpreting the situation) you feel as though this situation doesn't really add much to your life, and therefore you don't want to get too attached, because you have plans on moving on. I hope I'm getting this right.

When I read your story, it actually, to me, sounds like you do want to open up to them, even though you guys are totally different, there is still some kind of element of love in which you hope to build some kind of 'connection' before you decide to move on as an adult, building your life elsewhere..

What's preventing you from talking to them? I know that sometimes, with the insight that you have, it's actually very helpful that you do be the bigger person to break the ice and confront them about the situation. It sounds like you wouldn't be able to make peace with yourself if you didn't.

Although, I think everyone's life is up to them, and I shouldn't be giving advice, but since I feel as though the underlying feelings in your story is that you actually do want to form some kind of relationship with them.. I'd open up to at least one person in your family (mom- or whoever's in control most of the time) and say, "This is how I feel.. I hope you guys understand."

I think a heart-to-heart would be nice.. don't you? I think it's the fear of the outcome that may be the toughest part, but if you could look back and say that you did something right that was (authentic) consistent with who you are and what you stand for, what would be the first step that you would take? What is the worst thing that could happen? Being that you have a deeper level of insight, how can you change the situation, knowing you know what you do know? Try out these questions for starters?
 

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I completely relate to this, and for the most part, could have written this post myself. Honestly, the only way you can fix it at this point is to get out of there. I don't live at home anymore and my happiness has increased by leaps and bounds. Like you said, just walking in the door was depressing-- I think for me because I didn't feel welcome there. If you can't get your own place right now, find a safe refuge, like a friend's place or an outdoor area or coffee shop, anywhere, that you can go to escape and just hang out.

On another note, if you hate your job environment I would definitely suggest looking for a new job, as the absolute worst feeling ever is feeling miserable at work AND home. I know the economy is rough, but it never hurts to hold onto your current job while simultaneously looking for a new one. That's how I found a new job and was able to quit my old one last week (ironically enough, working at a call center!)
 
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