I'm not sure if this is the riget place to ask this. If not, please direct me to where I should? So, hi. I guess I'll get into the reason for my post. I have this idea in my head that I should be a paragon of kindness and love and all things good. But I'm not. I'm so far from what I want to be, it seems. I'm not always kind, and sometimes I'll get upset for reasons that I don't agree with at all latet. Maybe I don't yell or otherwise show I'm upset, but the feeling itself leaves me so guilty. If I do show it in any way, it's all the worse. I'd love some feedback from you guys. Sorry there isn't exactly a question.
Anger guilt
[INFP]
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No one has a consistent character, we just tell ourselves that we do. Even someone you may think is kind, smart and happy will at times be unkind, stupid and unsatisfied. You are no different, which means you are simply a human being like the rest of us coping with all the flaws we have compared to the imaginary character we try to be.
You must realize that you don't control all your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I get angry and think the most malicious things about others. I could feel guilty about it because I know it isn't how I want to think of others, and if they knew I would hurt them irrevercibly, but if I did start feeling guilty, I'd go mad in pure self-hatred.
Instead I just let it go. If I think someone is insensitive and deserves a fist to the face, I just accept that I got that feeling and move on. I simply had a reaction, like jerking me leg if hit by a hammer, and I cannot start feeling ashamed of such a natural phenomenon without making my entire existence an inborn sin.
You must realize that you don't control all your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I get angry and think the most malicious things about others. I could feel guilty about it because I know it isn't how I want to think of others, and if they knew I would hurt them irrevercibly, but if I did start feeling guilty, I'd go mad in pure self-hatred.
Instead I just let it go. If I think someone is insensitive and deserves a fist to the face, I just accept that I got that feeling and move on. I simply had a reaction, like jerking me leg if hit by a hammer, and I cannot start feeling ashamed of such a natural phenomenon without making my entire existence an inborn sin.
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@ROUSes Why do you have this idea in your head that you need to be paragon of love and kindness? Where does this idea come from: within you or is it influenced by external factors? *in other words: expectation of others*
Do you know the reasons why you get upset lately? And why do you feel guilty about being upset....there might be a very good reason why you became upset.
Do you know the reasons why you get upset lately? And why do you feel guilty about being upset....there might be a very good reason why you became upset.
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I feel really guilty about anger outbursts, even if they're just quiet and passive aggressive because both as an INFP and a 9w8, I tend to ignore or minimize those feelings, especially if they have no real reason to exist. But I can't control the way I feel and it's only human to have strong negative feelings and thoughts toward something or someone, it means that you have your own perception and values and they resonate strongly within you. That something really matters instead of just existing.
Trying to fit an idealized image of yourself only brings self-loathing, more anger and a feeling of deep failure and in a way it's a way to distance from who you are even more rather than accepting your flaws and be at peace with who you are and the way you naturally see things. There's always room for improvement, understanding and acceptance but it's so easy to passively let things happen and being hurt by the fact that they don't match any of the dreams and standards you were thinking of. Learning to accept your limits and be at peace with the way you are while working toward being a better you is an extremely healthy thing to do and I hope I will get there and find that kind of harmony. Hope you'll find your way too.
Trying to fit an idealized image of yourself only brings self-loathing, more anger and a feeling of deep failure and in a way it's a way to distance from who you are even more rather than accepting your flaws and be at peace with who you are and the way you naturally see things. There's always room for improvement, understanding and acceptance but it's so easy to passively let things happen and being hurt by the fact that they don't match any of the dreams and standards you were thinking of. Learning to accept your limits and be at peace with the way you are while working toward being a better you is an extremely healthy thing to do and I hope I will get there and find that kind of harmony. Hope you'll find your way too.
I feel like it comes from within mymyself primarily, but there are a few people who also seem to have that idea of me built up in their minds... so, I suppose it's a bit of both. And the reasons, I don't remember all of. My brain has a bad habit of hiding memories it doesn't like (That started when my dad died when I was 12. It seems it decided the best way to cope would be to forget what it was I'd lost.) Sometimes it'll be that I'm just generally under stress, and then somebody says something in a way that I take, at first, as mean or accusatory, or something like that.
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You do seem as if you are writing while stressed. Very eager to get something out. May I recommend a youtube channel for you? It's a guy called Noah Elkrief who is a best-selling author. He makes videos on how to deal with all kinds of emotional trouble that burden you. You instantly made me think of him.
He talks very very calmly and repeats himself to the point where he may sound a bit unintelligent, but really he has some important things to say that he just outlines so that even a child could understand it.
https://www.youtube.com/user/NoahElkrief
My girlfriend lost her father when she was 17 and even years after she could still feel guilt because of all the things she never told him or did with him. She could for instance feel bad for not being there when he died and torment herself for being such a terrible daughter. Most days, luckily, she knows she isn't a bad daughter, but in weak moments that shame and anger still boils in her, tampering with her mind. Today she has almost let go completely, but such events can stay for a long, long time if the pain isn't properly dealt with.
Of course quite often the pain can be so excruciating that you just cannot deal with it and have to forget it. It should, however, be focused on at some point.
If you feel you have a whole pile of trouble on you, I'd recommend taking it all one step at a time. Accept how your life is right now and pick one problem to solve at a time. That way you can focus your strength instead of having it be scattered and never have an effect. You could for instance find someone with whom you could talk out about your father complexes, but if it's too painful, you can start somewhere else.
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So the motivation for always being kind and caring stems mostly from the self. But sadly you do not really know why you. This is important though, if you want to change yourself. Perhaps you can try and remember when it all started and why? Or do you think a very painful memory is the trigger for your behavior?
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@ROUSes
Yep. I did that with my family the most when I was in my teens, but to others as well. It's one of those things that we just have to keep striving for, but don't allow the guilt to consume you. We make mistakes and perhaps more than most, we see our contradictory actions for what they are. INFP's have maybe too much self-realization at times and that causes us to truly become frustrated and weighted down by guilt/shame/depression because of how opposite we are from who we 'should be'. For me, just trying to truly love others and do things contrary to my own feelings(in respect to loving others) is what has helped me to lessen those contradictory behaviors. Don't bash yourself though, cause that'll never bring you too where you wanna be. Also, keep in mind, being an INFP usually denotes we naturally side with out feelings over four logic, so it's one of those things where if you face your feelings and ignore them you'll be able to move past initial feelings and develop new, more ideal emotions toward people and react better. Thus is my experience so far anyway. :kitteh:
Yep. I did that with my family the most when I was in my teens, but to others as well. It's one of those things that we just have to keep striving for, but don't allow the guilt to consume you. We make mistakes and perhaps more than most, we see our contradictory actions for what they are. INFP's have maybe too much self-realization at times and that causes us to truly become frustrated and weighted down by guilt/shame/depression because of how opposite we are from who we 'should be'. For me, just trying to truly love others and do things contrary to my own feelings(in respect to loving others) is what has helped me to lessen those contradictory behaviors. Don't bash yourself though, cause that'll never bring you too where you wanna be. Also, keep in mind, being an INFP usually denotes we naturally side with out feelings over four logic, so it's one of those things where if you face your feelings and ignore them you'll be able to move past initial feelings and develop new, more ideal emotions toward people and react better. Thus is my experience so far anyway. :kitteh:
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