[saccharomyces]

hey guys, this is actually going to be the first thread i start, so i'm not sure how well i am going to be able to explain what i need from you, but this is really a huge problem, and i am looking for a way to finally solve it.

my boyfriend, whom i believe to be an infp, is under the delusional idea that i might care more for an ex of mine than i do. i mean, sure, i am still friends with the ex, since i see no reason to break all contact just because we're not romantically interested in each other anymore, but, in my opinion, that's no reason to think there's "something there". i've tried convincing him with many methods, and every time after we've seemingly sorted it out he says that he's finally ok with it and understands, but in a while something little happens, like he finds an old photo of me and my ex on facebook or thinks that there's some hint about me being insincere to him in my poetry, and freaks out again. i don't think he actually understands how much this hurts me, because, what it basically means is - telling me he doesn't trust me.

so what should i do to convince him once and for all that i do not cherish any old memories or other people more than him?
i would really appreciate any insights on this, if this is an infp thing in any way - your experiences of jealousy and how did you overcome it, anything, actually, because i'm really lost here, since i am not a jealous person at all myself and therefore it's difficult for me to relate as much as needed to solve this, obviously.

 

[Rainbow]

hey guys, this is actually going to be the first thread i start, so i'm not sure how well i am going to be able to explain what i need from you, but this is really a huge problem, and i am looking for a way to finally solve it.

my boyfriend, whom i believe to be an infp, is under the delusional idea that i might care more for an ex of mine than i do. i mean, sure, i am still friends with the ex, since i see no reason to break all contact just because we're not romantically interested in each other anymore, but, in my opinion, that's no reason to think there's "something there". i've tried convincing him with many methods, and every time after we've seemingly sorted it out he says that he's finally ok with it and understands, but in a while something little happens, like he finds an old photo of me and my ex on facebook or thinks that there's some hint about me being insincere to him in my poetry, and freaks out again. i don't think he actually understands how much this hurts me, because, what it basically means is - telling me he doesn't trust me.

so what should i do to convince him once and for all that i do not cherish any old memories or other people more than him?
i would really appreciate any insights on this, if this is an infp thing in any way - your experiences of jealousy and how did you overcome it, anything, actually, because i'm really lost here, since i am not a jealous person at all myself and therefore it's difficult for me to relate as much as needed to solve this, obviously.

keyphrase "who i believe to be.. an infp".
why dont you find out his type first. because otherwise youre just babbling. being an infp i cannot relate to your story at all.

 

[saccharomyces]

i should have cleared that up immediately, i guess:
i did type him, and the result was a very close tie between an enfp and an infp. the only reason i added the "i believe" part is that he decided he was an enfp, because he thinks he's good with people and likes to give advice. having been together with him for more than a year now, i have gathered a lot of evidence of him fitting an infp profile much more than enfp, starting from him not being socially active at all outside his small friend circle, constantly using Fi over Ne, not expressing emotions freely, i could list a lot of these, but i don't think that is necessary, because that's not the point of this thread -
what i asked for was an advice on what to do with a jealous infp and your infp jealousy experiences. if he actually turns out to be, hell, an estj or whatnot and i turn out to be a complete idiot, it's gonna be my problem, isn't it? ^^

so, let's not discuss his personality type, let's get to the business, and if you can't relate, then, well, good for you, bad for me, since i need advice, not some lessons on the "procedure".

 

[Rainbow]

lol. ok well i will just say that 'they say' jealousy is a direct result of insecurity in the relationship.
maybe hes afraid you will reject him for whatever reason.
i know that i am very afraid of rejection, whether be friendship, lover, or simple conversation.
maybe talk to him about what hes 'afraid of'

 

[saccharomyces]

hmm, that actually might be a promising approach, because, even though we've discussed the issue in a gazillion of settings and with different emphasis, i have never asked this question directly, so i'll try it, thanks.

 

[Goosefish]

He is probably just insecure.

You should just tell him what you said here:
That you feel like he doesn't trust you and ask if he thinks you are that kind of person.

Someone once said something like that to me, and it made me start thinking about my actions from their perspective. I didn't mean to insult them, but I realized that it was coming off that way, and I am going to try to pay more attention to what I say from now on.

Basically, stop trying to convince him there is nothing between you and the ex. Instead, focus on how his delusions affect you and make him understand that you are not that kind of person.

If this solution doesn't sound right for your situation, then please ignore it.

I hope everything works out! :laughing:

 

[saccharomyces]

actually, the last time we had this 'argument' i told him that what he says really hurts me, for the first time, and, well, he hasn't expressed any major signs of jealousy (just slight hints that i can brush off quickly with some cooing and cuddling, seemingly) after that. then again, the intervals between the ocassions before were longer than the time that has passed since it last happened, and when we talked, he really didn't seem to take in this part of what i said, didn't comment on it at all and just seemingly calmed down in due course, just because the emotions cooled down a bit, so i'm not sure if that actually worked in any way.

but yeah, i'll try to put the emphasis on the effects and forget about trying to explain that there's no way i'd want anybody else, since that, i guess, makes him conjure all kind of "others" in his head and simply explode, ehh. heh, i guess it's gotta be all about me, then..? XD

 

[Memphisto]

I have spent 16 years with a delusional jealous INFP......... bottom line - insecurity. I really don't have any suggestions because I tried everything and nothing worked! But with any luck open communication and honesty may help. If you're going to talk to your ex tell your boyfriend "hey, FYI...I'm calling my ex today...." so it doesn't come off a "secretive". Trust me though....this kind of relationship gets OLD after a while... If the foundation isn't based on trust now chances are it won't get any better...speaking from years of experience...

 

[BrightenUp]

Hmmm... well let me think about jealousy for a little bit....


*thinks*


Well first of all I think you need to reassure him. I don't know what you've tried so far, but I think indirect methods may be good. Since he suspects your... "infidelity" when he reads poetry or sees a picture online, maybe you could use this to your advantage. Write things hinting how you used to love someone, but the person you are with right now you love even more, or take lots more pictures with him and post them on Facebook! As an INFP I am very indirect, using suggestion a lot to influence people. Therefore I am also easily influenced by a perceived suggestion.

However another powerful way is just to directly confront him about it. Start by saying that your relationship is important and that you don't want there to be any misunderstanding (as I said, as an INFP I infer a lot). Then bring up the issue of jealousy and tell him that you wish to resolve this because it matters to you if it matters to him (try not to sound like you are just feeding his ego). Talk about it openly, and be sincere, he may appreciate that because I know it's hard for me to open up usually.

What have you done so far and how is it working out? Good luck with everything! :happy:

 

[BrightenUp]

I just realized I haven't really spoken about jealousy in general even though that's what I originally said I was going to think about... lol.

 

[infpblog]

Since you're an J, you basically have one decision to make: break up or continue the relationship. That's the only decision that matters. Here's what I can contribute to that decision.

1. You can't change people and it's rude to try. So he's insecure and jealous. That may not work for you. That may not work for your relationship. But currently that's working for him and is probably the only way he knows how to deal with his life. I do think the jealousy will eventually break up your relationship because like darkestar said, the jealousy crap gets old fast. However, it's his responsibility to get his act together. It's not yours.

Also, look back at all your goals you've set for yourself whether it was to lose weight or to be more spontaneous or whatever. Remember the effort it took for you accomplish changes in yourself. If it was that arduous to change yourself, it's 100x as hard to change someone else.

2. Who he is now will probably be who he is the rest of his life.

Yes people change jobs, change likes and dislikes, but how often to people change values and core beliefs, especially INFPs. I don't think your INFP thinks he's doing anything wrong. Basically, if you can't accept him as is for the rest of your life, you're going to be disappointed that your attempts to make him over (even if you think it's for the better) doesn't work.

3. Love is not a relationships skill. Just because you love him or he loves you doesn't mean that you two have the complementary skills or temperament for a lasting relationship. If someone is abusive or bad with money, loving them more doesn't stop the abuse or stop bad money decisions.

4. A history of self-motivated change is a key to great relationships. Everybody has bad habits and things that don't mesh well with relationships. Since you can't change another person, they can only change themselves in order to get what they want like a lasting relationship. People who have a history of improving themselves have proven that they are adaptable and are capable of changing in order to improve their lives. If he's been pretty much the same person for the last 5 years, he'll continue to be that person for the next 50.

I find that the people most adamant about wanting to change the world are the least willing to change themselves. If the world, other people would just get their act together than they could stay exactly like they are now. So if he's still in the it's-world's-fault mentality, he thinks it's your fault that he's jealous, he won't change and you'll have to decide whether you're willing to live with that or not.

 

[snail]

Hmmm... well let me think about jealousy for a little bit....


*thinks*


Well first of all I think you need to reassure him. I don't know what you've tried so far, but I think indirect methods may be good. Since he suspects your... "infidelity" when he reads poetry or sees a picture online, maybe you could use this to your advantage. Write things hinting how you used to love someone, but the person you are with right now you love even more, or take lots more pictures with him and post them on Facebook! As an INFP I am very indirect, using suggestion a lot to influence people. Therefore I am also easily influenced by a perceived suggestion.

However another powerful way is just to directly confront him about it. Start by saying that your relationship is important and that you don't want there to be any misunderstanding (as I said, as an INFP I infer a lot). Then bring up the issue of jealousy and tell him that you wish to resolve this because it matters to you if it matters to him (try not to sound like you are just feeding his ego). Talk about it openly, and be sincere, he may appreciate that because I know it's hard for me to open up usually.

What have you done so far and how is it working out? Good luck with everything! :happy:

This is what I would have said, but someone beat me to it. :happy:

 

[saccharomyces]

[oops, sorry for a double post!]

 

[saccharomyces]

aww, thanks, guys!
it's nice how the advice you give me kind of fits in with what i've tried to do, but your insight gives it a very different emphasis, a side that i haven't explored yet, and will try, from now on.

the idea is, i don't want to change who he is, i just need to understand what is this thing he's feeling and how to deal with it - how to let him know that he doesn't need to be afraid, and how to keep myself from crying in a corner because of false accusations.
i think we're getting better at it, though, because talking to him about it just now i actually managed to find out one of the causes of this, him feeling like i don't tell him i love him often enough, so he gets the idea i might not feel too strongly for him, which is totally untrue, it's just that i show my feelings in a lot of different ways, and simply repeating one phrase is not the key element. but i guess i' ll just have to change that now.

explaining my side of the story more thoroughly seemed to really help ^^ and i think that the more i know about what he needs, the more i can adjust to that, and that's where all of you come in, too, with your wonderful advice.

i guess i'll see how it goes for now, and try to remember the information you people have given me, especially about how to reassure him in new ways of the fact that our relationship is not in danger of infidelity, and hope that it works.

if you get any more great ideas of how to make an infp feel more secure, please, share!

though, there's one more question that is really, really important to me, which i'd like you guys to answer, and that is, if this kind of situation isn't something that can become very hurtful for the infp? i mean, it's one thing if i'm hurt by the fact that he's often jealous, but if it affects him more than just simple jealousy, if there's more pain that comes with it, that would be more than horrible, because that would basically mean that we're doomed. you guys do view jealousy as something, umm, well, not righteous, but something in that direction? i mean, you don't blame yourselves for that, right? because i certainly don't blame you, i blame the differences in our perception and misunderstandings, and my lack of knowledge. is this something i should tell my infp, or are you yourself generally ok with your jealousy, as infpblog said ?

 

[infpblog]

Neither my wife and I are the jealous type. My wife goes out with her friends and I don't give it a second thought. I go dancing almost weekly and several of my good friends are female. It doesn't bother her.

For some couples, a little jealously is a good thing. I've known couples who need to see it in the other person to feel they care. That doesn't work for my wife and I.

We both interpret jealously as lack of trust and lack of self-confidence. We've built our entire relationship around trust and confidence. We both knew we could never have a relationship where we would have to constantly re-assure the other they we love one another.

This doesn't mean we don't show love. The book, The Five Love Languages, is definitely one of the key factors of our relationship. People feel loved in different ways. We often demonstrate on love in the way we like to receive love. If your a Word of Affirmation person, then you have a tendency to tell that other person you love them often because it's your primary language.

My wife and I have completely different primary languages. Her primary is Acts of Service and mine is Physical Touch. She gives me lots of hugs and I make sure I do the dishes and small things to make her life easier. Gifts are our lowest so we rarely give each other gifts or cards or knick knacks. I throw all my cards out and we give gifts away since neither she nor I are "things" people.

 

[Goosefish]

are you yourself generally ok with your jealousy, as infpblog said ?

I feel jealous, but I learned to hide it because jealousy was not an acceptable emotion in my family. If I were in your infp's situation, I would probably befriend your ex just to show how 'okay' I was with everything and to cover up my jealousy. That's probably weird, and I would never recommend it to your infp, but I think it would end up making me feel less jealous and more comfortable in the end.

but if it affects him more than just simple jealousy, if there's more pain that comes with it

My jealousy usually comes from an irrational inability to accept that other people have their own lives outside of me. It's a completely insane insecurity that I will eventually be filtered out of their lives entirely. That's an example of the kind of irrational logic and emotion that can be behind jealousy.

that would basically mean that we're doomed

You're definitely not doomed. Life is a series of ups and downs, but things usually work out in the end. :laughing:

You can't change people and it's rude to try.

I agree that you can't change who a person is. I have been the same person my entire life. But my world view changes a little every time I learn something new, which is generally several times a day. Perspective makes a lot of difference in how a person acts and why they're acting that way. However, there was a while when I was kind of depressed and shutting out the world where I was completely frozen.

What I'm saying is: depending on how open and willing a person is, the way they act is subject to change. I would hate to be frozen forever, and it is rude to try to change someone, but I think it would be worse to drop a person out of your life without giving them the option of knowing why you're unhappy and letting them decide if they want to change or keep doing things the way they are doing them.

These are just ideas for consideration, but I hope somebody will find them helpful! :laughing:

 

[mrkedi]

well, how did he handle his past relationships (if he have any)? did he brought up his part too or he would destory all the edvidence and pretend he never dated?

when i was with my ex (that he was my first relationship), he always talks about his ex and other female friends. i do get jealous and secure over that issue and the only thing he did is to told me to stop worry about it. but he never make me feel that i am his special one and i always feel i have to compete with other girls, which he don't have to. in the end when i broke up with him, i pretty much destroy nearly all the edvidence (of relationship) except the hurtful ones and barely talk to people about him.

(again im not a really health person in general, but i thought my two cent might gave you another possible insight.)

 

[saccharomyces]

this is actually very interesting, because i am sure he's dated people before me, but he nevar wants to talk about it (which is ok with me, because i don't care and actually dislike discussing past relationships - i am friends with all my exes, and that kind of seems like a totally different story) and has called all of his previous dating experiences "back pocket relationships". and he know that i'd never call any of my previous relationships that. so maybe the just doesn't understand how anyone can be different from him (because i am not sure if those relationships he now calls "back-pocket" weren't once quite as important as the one we have now) and not dismiss everything that's past as something unworthy.. or something *yawn* i can literally feel how weariness slows down my mind, slowly shutting it off completely. gah, that's bad, i think there must be more to this.. will haev to think more tomorrow.

 

[jimg1126]

Why maintain a "friends" relationship with your ex if you're in love with your current bf? As an INFP, I give 100% of my attention to my significant other and have no desire to maintain relationships with prior romantic interests.

 

[saccharomyces]

wow, this was so long ago, yet someone's still posting something here, heheh.

Why maintain a "friends" relationship with your ex if you're in love with your current bf? As an INFP, I give 100% of my attention to my significant other and have no desire to maintain relationships with prior romantic interests.

so what, like, when you have a romantic interest, you just give up on your friends altogether (-->the "100% of my attention" thing)?

also, i don't think that when you're friends with someone with whom you used to be romantically involved with, it's just a "friends" relationship. it's FRIENDS relationship, it's a real friendship, not a pseudo-one. unless, of course, the romantic relationship has been all about sex and has had little to no emotional and intellectual investment. i know that even if i break up with someone, it doesn't mean i stop loving them altogether, even if it's them who hurt me bad. the feeling just transforms into a friendship, and usually a very pleasant one at that. i mean, being in a relationship takes up so much investment into the other person and what you have between the two of you, so it's not like that can *snap!* disappear in a second, once you break up or once you find a new romantic partner. of course, it can probably dissolve over time, but why would i want that? if i've been very close with someone, why just throw it all away, direspecting me and the other, and the time we put into it? it's not like the world ends at your significant other.

anyway, if anyone's interested in how the jealousy problem eventually was settled, unfortunately i'll have to tell you that this was no fairytale ending - we broke up in less than half a year.
turned out, he had been, well, 'looking into other options' while still in a relationship with me, and that was probably a very strong impulse for him to feel jealous, since he is a bit of a projecting kind of person, thus, because he was thinking of cheating/was cheating he just uncosciously or consciously attributed the same desires to me, even though i had none. it was a sad break, but i completely understand that nothing lasts forever and it's just normal that i can't be the one for everyone, and obviously wasn't the one for him. what hurt me the most was the fact that he felt like he couldn't tell me that he'd rather try being with someone else, so instead of being honest he created these hurtful episodes (maybe unconsciously hoping i'd break up with him eventually so that he wouldn't have to take responsibility?). but we are still good friends, because we sorted this out, and i don't tend to keep grudges, and even if we're not romantically involved, it's really nice to go out for drinks or a film once in a while, generally - to be friends. even if both of us are in new romantic relationship with someone else.