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Discussion Starter #1
Hello there, lovely people! :)

I'm curious. How do you act when you're angry?
Because I have this ESFJ friend, and a looong while ago we had a small argument. Nothing major, and afterwards I apologized and gave her a hug.
But after that she hasn't really been herself, at least from what I've seen. She's lot more quiet and withdrawn.
Could she still be angry at me even though I said I was sorry? Or what would you say it is?
How can I support her, or help her? Is there something I should or shouldn't do?

I would really appreciate any help I can get with this. I want my friend back.
Thanks! :)
 

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That's something I've noticed about ESFJs...They hold onto resentment, even over the most minor things.

I usually just give them time. If it was just a small argument, it doesn't usually take long for them to get over it...
 

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Without further context, it's pretty difficult for me to extrapolate why your friend is reacting the way she is.

For me, it really bothers me when I detect even a hint of insincerity in an apology. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but my brain goes on overdrive analyzing all of the reasons why you chose to word it the way that you did. Did you mean it? Were you simply careless with words? Is there something else going on in your head that you're too afraid to say? Until I'm done mulling over and digesting these tidbits, I prefer to be left alone without any new pieces of information added to this scenario.

It's pretty easy for us to forgive something minor, and all is well after a few hours, a few days, a very short time afterward. However, if we're having trouble deciding how we should proceed, we appreciate help. Let your friend know that you've noticed how she's distanced herself lately, and if that she's willing to talk about it, tell her that you'd be happy to lend an ear. This way, if she needs more time to digest her thoughts, she can tell you so. And if she needs some help, she'll be able to bounce ideas off of you until she comes to the conclusion herself. Make it a safe place for her to rant, complain, discuss, or debate; this will go a long way in letting her know that you're being supportive without being pushy.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
For me, it really bothers me when I detect even a hint of insincerity in an apology.
Luckily, one of my values is to be as sincere as I can :)
And I really do feel sorry for upsetting her. It was a stupid thing to argue about and I felt really bad about it afterwards.

I'll follow your advice ^^
Thank you :)
 

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For me, it really bothers me when I detect even a hint of insincerity in an apology. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but my brain goes on overdrive analyzing all of the reasons why you chose to word it the way that you did. Did you mean it? Were you simply careless with words? Is there something else going on in your head that you're too afraid to say? Until I'm done mulling over and digesting these tidbits, I prefer to be left alone without any new pieces of information added to this scenario.
100% this. I hate when people give flippant apologies, as if apologies magically make everything better. I like knowing that the other person fully understands why I was mad, and if they were in the wrong, what they did wrong and how to avoid doing that next time. Like Pockyist said, I have no idea what happened in this case, but if she was really offended by something that happened in the argument, and you keep treating it like it's no big deal after the apology, that's why she might be withdrawing from you. You need to let her know that you feel like she's been distant and ask if there's anything she feels was left unresolved after the apology.
 

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I usually just give them time. If it was just a small argument, it doesn't usually take long for them to get over it...
Pretty much this, but the thing is... you see it as minor (and it probably is VERY minor) but if you look at the whole context you might see that it's not what actually happened, but the symbolism of it.

Knowing that you have a propensity toward this type of behavior can help you to avoid gunny sacking your emotions

(read here if you don't know what I mean: Gunnysacking - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia )

I think "Fe" types tend to gunny sack more than any other type out there, which is why you see the symptoms ("snapping" anger and getting mad over "little" things).

I also believe it's the little things that push Fe' types over the top (especially those people strong in the ESFJ category) because they are so insignificant.

This is why proactively communicating with your ESFJ partner is so critical. You need to figure out how to keep that gunnysack from getting to the point there it can't take that one.... last... little... thing...........


:kitteh:


-ZDD
 
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