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My ISTP boyfriend's ex keeps sniffing around and he won't tell her to bugger off. I'd tell her off myself, but he doesn't want me "to be mean to her" and I don't feel that it's my place anyway (plus I hate having enemies).
I know she's still into him, because she told him she wanted to see him a few months ago and do things that "your girlfriend wouldn't like ;)" and still sends him flirtatious messages.
He says he's told her nicely that it isn't going to happen because he's with me now and that he's not the guy for her, but she clearly hasn't gotten the picture. He also says that they're friends, that she's nice and that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But he won't even write back that he's with his girlfriend when she asks what he's doing!
They only dated shortly and it was years ago. I don't really feel threatened by her, I know it's me he wants, I just want him to stand up to her and any other girls prowling my territory who will undoubtedly show up in the future. We've had a few fights over this and he knows that it bothers me a lot. I feel really hurt that he won't tell her to back off once and for all.

Am I way off base here for wanting him to tell his "friend" to get lost? What should I do? :sad:
 

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The thing is for him, the relationship IS over. They broke up a long time ago and he's with you.

He says he's told her nicely that it isn't going to happen because he's with me now and that he's not the guy for her
He told her.

But he won't even write back that he's with his girlfriend when she asks what he's doing!
To him, he doesn't see it as any of her business.

Am I way off base here for wanting him to tell his "friend" to get lost? What should I do?
I can understand why you're nervy, but if it's only her making comments, I'd say just ignore her.

You've mentioned nothing about physical proximity, is she living in the next suburb, or on the other side of the world? If I knew I could be a little more specific with my answer.

Nevertheless I hope my ISTP bluntness helped. :proud:
 
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Couldnt have said it better.
He doesnt put any effort into it since he doesnt see a problem. Even tho you might have had a few fights about it, he still doesnt see it as a real problem since his spending the time with you, not with anyone else. In his view, his with you and the others dont matter at all. His ignoring them.

And no, your not offbase but got no advice on what to do.
 
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Hmmm, well I'm not an ISTP so I don't have much insight into this matter, but kudos to you for not telling the girl off anyways. That seems to have taken some self restraint and if you had done that I suspect things could have gotten worse.
 

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My ISTP boyfriend's ex keeps sniffing around and he won't tell her to bugger off. I'd tell her off myself, but he doesn't want me "to be mean to her" and I don't feel that it's my place anyway (plus I hate having enemies).
I know she's still into him, because she told him she wanted to see him a few months ago and do things that "your girlfriend wouldn't like ;)" and still sends him flirtatious messages.
He says he's told her nicely that it isn't going to happen because he's with me now and that he's not the guy for her, but she clearly hasn't gotten the picture. He also says that they're friends, that she's nice and that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But he won't even write back that he's with his girlfriend when she asks what he's doing!
They only dated shortly and it was years ago. I don't really feel threatened by her, I know it's me he wants, I just want him to stand up to her and any other girls prowling my territory who will undoubtedly show up in the future. We've had a few fights over this and he knows that it bothers me a lot. I feel really hurt that he won't tell her to back off once and for all.

Am I way off base here for wanting him to tell his "friend" to get lost? What should I do? :sad:
You can trust an ISTP to walk away cleanly when a relationship is over. Doesn't matter what the girl does - if your guy is over it, he's over it. And he won't bother to waste any effort or energy doing anything that has anything to do with it. Which is probably why he won't do what you'd like him to do. To him it's probably pointless. Just leave her out of the picture and concentrate on your relationship.
 

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... But he won't even write back that he's with his girlfriend when she asks what he's doing!
This is a bad sign. I used to be with a guy who would never tell other people that we are doing things together, for example when they called him on the phone it was always "i am doing this" or "i am driving there" and never "my and my girlfriend are at the park right now" or "we are driving to check out the new apartment". What it meant to me is that he didn't see us as a couple at all, but at the time I shrugged it off as a minor thing. In the long term, it did turn out that just as my friends warned me he was a very self-centered guy and I was too blind to the fact. Way people phrase things does indeed betray how they subconsciously perceive things.

He was not an ISTP but had well developed Ti high up his cognitive ladder.
 

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This is a bad sign. I used to be with a guy who would never tell other people that we are doing things together, for example when they called him on the phone it was always "i am doing this" or "i am driving there" and never "my and my girlfriend are at the park right now" or "we are driving to check out the new apartment". What it meant to me is that he didn't see us as a couple at all, but at the time I shrugged it off as a minor thing. In the long term, it did turn out that just as my friends warned me he was a very self-centered guy and I was too blind to the fact. Way people phrase things does indeed betray how they subconsciously perceive things.

He was not an ISTP but had well developed Ti high up his cognitive ladder.
I appreciate your desire to help and I'm not intending to be rude, but what does this have to do with the post? Neither you or your ex are ISTP's and this post is asking about ISTP's specifically.

Personally, if I'm just with my girlfriend not doing anything special, then it's, "I'm here" or "I'm going there." There is no need to say, "with my girlfriend " or "us." It's none of their business and at the moment, it's not important who I'm with, given I'm with someone. Now, if they say something like, "Hey man, you should drop by and check out my new 'x.'" Then it becomes, "Sorry, man. I'm with my girl right now."

OP: I wouldn't worry about it unless things become suspicious(leaving at unusual hours, becoming vague...etc.). He probably just feels he's already stated that nothing will happen and that should be enough. She now knows nothing will happen and if she chooses to continue acting the way she is, then that's her choice. Also, you stated you know he's only interested in you, if this is true, then this is your problem not his.

Edit: I apologize if that sounded a little blunt at the end. I re-read it and I realized that could come across as a little offensive. It wasn't intended to be.
 

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Coming at this from a different angle but ....if it bothers you that he doesn't tell her he's with you, (if it actually does despite reassurance from other ISTPs) why don't you ask him to? Maybe he'll think it's needless but if it makes you feel better, is it really harmful?
 

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"I fuck her, but I love you."
-Eddie Murphy.

:crazy:

Seriously, though. If he's committed to you, he's committed to you. Good friends are few and far between and he may still view her as a valuable friend.
 

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I know if it were me I wouldn't feel comfortable with my boyfriend receiving text messages and such from an ex. I don't know about other ISTP's but I am a bit territorial. Don't come into my space unannounced, don't tell my kids what to do, don't park too close to my car, and PLEASE do not mess around with my love interest. Now, I definitely treat others the way I would like to be treated. I like my space and privacy so I always respect other peoples. I always put myself in the other persons shoes. I wouldn't expect anyone to accept something I am unwilling to accept and that is one of them.

I know my opinion differs from a lot of others but I am a firm believer in there is virtually no reason to keep an ex as a friend. It makes things complicated, and can potentially create problems in a new relationship especially if the other person has a hidden agenda. Besides, what type of friend texts flirtatious messages? What kind of friend doesn't respect your current relationship especially considering the nature of the friendship? Have you all been out together and you can see what type of friendship it really is?

Considering I don't do the ex friendship thing when it's over it's over. There is no reason for us to have a conversation. I know it sounds harsh, but that's how I am. I don't like pushiness or persistence after I've already made it known I'm no longer interested. If I'm single I'll be nice about it and if you keep calling I'll just ignore you. BUT if I'm in a new relationship and you're making a pest of yourself then I feel your being disrespectful and I will have to make it crystal clear that you need to stop contacting me. I am very protective of those I care about and if there is a situation that would make my loved one uncomfortable I will make it my business to end it. Besides, I don't want to go through the headaches of explaining my "friendship" every time my "friend" crosses the line.I don't like aggravation.

Coming from an ISTP point of view I have ZERO problems telling someone to scram once I'm over it. The only time I would be more sensitive about it is if we were together for a substantial amount of time, or if I deeply cared about the person. Other than that...its a wrap. So I don't understand why your boyfriend can't do the same...as an ISTP. But you have to bear in mind that people are people and relationships are relationships. We are not our personality types. It helps to when trying to learn more about yourself and others but at the end of the day we are all individuals. A person can still be an asshole even if their personality type indicates otherwise.

So my advice to you is this. Accept the situation for what it is or move on...that's all you can do really. Don't bug him about it because the more you do, the less likely he will do what you want him to.
 

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I appreciate your desire to help and I'm not intending to be rude, but what does this have to do with the post? Neither you or your ex are ISTP's and this post is asking about ISTP's specifically.

Personally, if I'm just with my girlfriend not doing anything special, then it's, "I'm here" or "I'm going there." There is no need to say, "with my girlfriend " or "us." It's none of their business and at the moment, it's not important who I'm with, given I'm with someone. Now, if they say something like, "Hey man, you should drop by and check out my new 'x.'" Then it becomes, "Sorry, man. I'm with my girl right now."
It is a general relationship advice from personal experience. Some things don't actually have to do anything with a person's MBTI type. So even if I am not ISTP or my ex isn't, if the advice fits then I will give it.

Consistently avoiding mentioning your girlfriend to others is simply rude. It is sends a message to others that she is not part of your life. In this case the guy is putting her in a very bad position by continuing to talk to his ex and not ever mentioning that he is with her. He is basically telling her "well i'm with you" but then denying her security. Keeping up a good relationship with his ex is more important to him than considering how his girlfriend feels about it and changing his behavior accordingly.
 

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Maybe suggest that it would be kinder to not instill false hope in his friend by not refusing any flirtiness?
 
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@Vel, not everyone is like you and will feel like you do in whatever situation you are fantasizing about. What I mean is, your opinions are not facts so don't word them like that. This has already been proven by the difference between you and xReBoRN7(who unlike you and your ex actually is an ISTP).

Maybe they fit better to INFJ(especially you) and a lot others but they are not universal. You do not speak for him or his girlfriends. Ask yourself this: Do I know him and his girlfriend? How they work?

"If the advice fits" you say... you have been living with them for the past ten years now? And know him and his girlfriends better than he does? Please be honest, you don't know if it fits. Do you? You're an INFJ and his not, remember? That is just an assumption you have from some lines on the Internet.

An INFJ comparing her non ISTP ex. to give advice on ISTPs? Where did you hide your 3rd function? Do you know me better than I do?
 

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Not for nothing Allium, but why are you getting all worked up? What difference does it make who answers the question?

I think the other types that are giving advice are giving it woman to woman and not personality type to personality type. I mean sure, this question is better suited for loveshack.org but it was asked here. I think as an ISTP you are a fixer of sorts and that includes problems that are presented to you. You take the facts and try to come up with a logical answer.

girlfriend + boyfriend + skank that won't stop calling + boyfriend acting shady = bullshit. See how easy that is? No reason to rip people a new one because they're not part of the club.
 

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Needless jealousy can create rifts where none existed.

If it's really that big a problem, try a face-to-face discussion where you tell him exactly how you feel about it. Don't beat around the bush or try to sugar coat it. Just flat out say that you're jealous and insecure about him still being friends with her and you want him to make a choice.
 

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Not for nothing Allium, but why are you getting all worked up? What difference does it make who answers the question?

I think the other types that are giving advice are giving it woman to woman and not personality type to personality type. I mean sure, this question is better suited for loveshack.org but it was asked here. I think as an ISTP you are a fixer of sorts and that includes problems that are presented to you. You take the facts and try to come up with a logical answer.

girlfriend + boyfriend + skank that won't stop calling + boyfriend acting shady = bullshit. See how easy that is? No reason to rip people a new one because they're not part of the club.

I don't think that was the intent. I personally don't mind if other types attempt to help out, both of us are just bringing the fact that vel, is using an example that doesn't completely relate to the topic. The OP posted for advice on her ISTP boyfriend, not boyfriends in general, on a personality site. While that might not be bad advice, this is about ISTP's specifically and neither her or her ex(given in the example) are ISTP's.

Again, no malicious intent at all. I respect her desire to give advice, but it doesn't relate. If she or her ex were an ISTP, no harm no foul, she'd just be giving her opinion on the experience, whether it be hers or the OP's.
 

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Who answers the questions doesn't matter much to me. How is more important.
What I don't like is that she is phrasing it like it is the truth. What she(vel) think is suddenly how it is and there are no other possibilities. She is also basing this on an example that may not relate at all.

Considering how we look on other possibilities I will give you an example of how she puts it and who I would put it. In this case I would say both of us do not know the correct answer.

vel does it like this:
"He is basically telling her "well i'm with you" but then denying her security."

I would put it more like this:
She(the girlfriend) could interpret it like this... bla bla bla ...cause that is probably what I would do in that case.

Notice the difference?
I acknowledge the limit of my understanding, it does not seems like she, in her wording, did that.
I do not like when people disregard the possibilites of... other possibilites and try to make their statement like they are the truth. She being an INFJ should make her even further from the understanding than an ISTP too, generally MBTI speaking. But neither she nor you(?) seems to take that into consideration.

Maybe a quote from one of our other threads would be good here, the one that goes something like this:
Don't ask for our advice and then ignore it.
xReBoRN7(ISTP) vs vel(INFJ)
He gives his position on the issue but it seems like she doesn't buy it.

There is no ill intent from my side.

Anymore questions?
 

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The whole not telling people who he is with doesn't bother me much, unless he is deliberately going out of his way to omit the information...that would be a warning sign as Vel says.

I didn't always say I was with my boyfriend watching a movie, as I didn't see how saying I was with my boyfriend added anything to the information. It's easier to just say watching a movie, however if it's easier and makes more sense to say he is with you, and doesn't...pay heed...that is a bad sign as Vel says. It's really up to the OP to judge which it is.

My main concern is this girl is sending him flirty messages, and he hasn't told her that it is inappropriate and asked her not to do this anymore. A key condition of my friendship with my ex is that doesn't go on. I'm not into him anymore and it feels weird. Even if he didn't really care, it's a bad sign he is putting the feelings of his ex (not wanting to tell her to stop for worry of upsetting her) before his girlfriends.

This behaviour is a bad sign in a relationship between any type.

My advise is actually to relax a bit ], getting offish over it might push him toward the ex or end the relationship even if he doesn't feel that way for her at all, if he feels you are being unreasonable. I would acknowledge they are friends and say you respect that, but are made uncomfortable with the flirting aspect as this isn't what friends do. You don't think he'd do anything about it, but you feel his ex's behaviour is disrespectful towards you and your relationship with him. You are fine with them being friends, you would just feel better if he makes it clear flirting is inappropriate, even if you are being a bit irrational. (I'm not saying you are, but you don't want to sound like you assume something is going on or will happen)

If you say you don’t want him to have any contact at all I think you would come off as distrustful, paranoid and controlling...as in his mind he is clearly doing nothing wrong (or he wouldn’t be doing it). He isn’t going to respond well to being told who he can and can’t see/talk to.

I would admit to being a little jealous, but explain it's only because of how much you like him, and you would really appreciate him humouring you on this. Put the emphasis on your feelings and them being hurt, not on his behaviour and it being wrong in some way.
While this is a bit of a concern I don't think it automatically means he is into his ex, he is with you after all. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

But it is important that you can both discuss things that make you unhappy and accommodate each other, even if it doesn't make sense to the other person, and is simply that you like to fold your clothes a certain way...even if it doesn't really make much difference how the clothes are folded to the other person. I'd try and make it seem like one of those issues, and the result of him being irresistible to you...it will go down better than telling him he is not behaving in a way you approve of, as this can be quite offensive and make it seem like you don't trust him.

Hopefully he will take your feelings on board and you can find a compromise where he still talks to his friend, but you feel respected. If this doesn't work I think you need to decide if you can live with this or not, and how much it matters in the bigger picture of your relationship.

Just my 10 cents worth.

I'm of course not an ISTP, but it caught my eye, and it's my standard advice for this sort of thing.
 

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You may not be an ISTP but that was a good post on this matter, in my eyes anyway.
And only 21... siblings?
Could you do this Keys 2 Cognition - Cognitive Processes ?
Thanks.

Yep, only 21, with an annoying younger brother.

I took the test thingy and came out as an INFJ. I've taken two others previously and come out with the same result, though I feel the first one was the most reliable, as I didn't have any expectations or bias at the time.

It seems to fit me I think...though I am not sure about being told I am more inclined towards psychic stuff. Reading that sort of thing makes me laugh I am afraid. Oh, or anything that says as an INFJ I am like Jesus. That is sooo not how I see myself.
 
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