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Discussion Starter #1
Sorry guys and gals, I just felt I had to put this up somewhere to stop the pain.

I feel sick.
Not like I'm ill. Just sick to my stomach.
I'd love to claim I'm lonely, but I'm not, I'm surrounded by people that understand me.
I'm irritable, quick tempered and frustrated all the time, there's a voice in my head that tells me I'm pathetic.
I can't help but agree.
I am pathetic.
Look at me, I'm crying even as I type this.
I'm sick of all this emotion inside of me, it's tearing me apart again.
I want to delete all I've written here but I have to post this, show people my open wounds so I can't hide away and let them fester until I snap again.
I'm an emotional wreck.

I need to be there for people all the time, I can't let them down, but my fractured mind is too slow to do anything, I'm barely passing my college course because I hate it so much, I can't even gauge my friends anymore, I make incorrect assumptions and it comes back and bites me on the ass.

I see all the happy faces and I can see them die, it makes my heart leap and break at the same time, less of a drain on the planet and nature, but their families are devastated.
I can't make decisions anymore, like putting a copper rod between two magnets and wanting it to stick to one. It makes me angry, and I snap at people, which makes them fear me or hate me, I'm filled with regrets and self hatred.

Contemplating suicide isn't a nice idea.
But then, what is a good idea?
To live on, depressed, as nobody wants to touch my weeping, pus filled, maggot ridden heart?

I just want it all to end, one way or the other...
 

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step 1. admission.

let's skip the rest of the grief cycle. It blows anyway.

You suck as much as you say you do. So the first thing is to stop saying it.
The second is that you need a stress outlet. You shouldn't normally be snapping at people all the time. Go and take a nice long walk and don't think about anything. Just admire the soft touch of the air, the breeze, the wind, the sun, the trees. Or read a book - whatever suits your fancy.

The last thing to do, is to choose. To survive. You need to break the depressive thought cycles because they're self reinforcing - you wake up and say, I'm pathetic, followed by performing a day full of things that aren't particularly outstanding in any way ... and at the end of the day, you conclude with "that was pathetic". This continues until the cycle is broken. Nothing will change if the moping continues. - "The beatings will stop when morale improves" is a system that doesn't work; similarly, if you just keep moping, keep crying, keep bottling everything up, nothing will change. Nobody will touch your heart, and you won't get better at school.

Choose something to do, each day, and make sure you do it. It could be as simple as 'I'm going to go for a walk today' or 'I'm going to take a short run' or 'I'm going to accomplish this small task'. And then, start choosing changes to your routine. 'I'm going to talk to the coffee shop barista today.' and do it regularly. Each small change, will change your life. Make the changes you want to see.

I've been there. I changed my life. And what's hard is not to change back. Because strangely enough, for us, it takes no effort to be mopey, depressed, and hating ourselves. And it takes effort to be happy and lovable.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I can't stop "bottling it up" because there is no outlet, I can't let any of my friends know how I feel because I get no pity from them, they just tell me to "suck it up".
I've come to terms that "I suck" and "I'm pathetic" because it's all I CAN think, if I wasn't such a bad person, I'd not feel like this.
My head is never quiet enough for me to relax or concentrate, I can't even concentrate on typing this, it's so frustrating!
I can't go out because I've got to look after my younger brother when everybody else is at work, I have to go to a friend's house tomorrow when my parents finally get in, meaning I have to wear my "extravert mask", covering up my emotions.

I feel so drained
But there's no chance for me to stop and recover
 

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Sorry you are going through such a dark time in your life. Yeah, sorry sounds trite, but I mean it. Posting is a good outlet. We are all introverts, so we all understand about masks....I think that as INfJ's we tend to accept everyone but ourselves, we get mad at ourselves when we are down, etc. It is hardest to offer ourselves patience and acceptance. I did go through a very dark time in my life, and I don't think that there was much that helped other than time. I survived one hour at a time, getting through whatever was necessary, then one day at a time. I cried a lot- alone. I yelled at God, snapped at family and friends, loathed myself, built a thick walled shell....but I survived. I am who I am today because of it. I have grown and gained- kinda like a mushroom in the dark! LOL! Hopefully someone else will have awesome ideas for coping. Meanwhile- I won't tell you to suck it up, I promise. Just hang in there, Liz
 

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I can't stop "bottling it up" because there is no outlet, I can't let any of my friends know how I feel because I get no pity from them, they just tell me to "suck it up".
I've come to terms that "I suck" and "I'm pathetic" because it's all I CAN think, if I wasn't such a bad person, I'd not feel like this.
My head is never quiet enough for me to relax or concentrate, I can't even concentrate on typing this, it's so frustrating!
You think you suck and are pathetic; because you are a bad person.
You think you are a bad person, therefore you suck and are pathetic.
Therein lines the problem.

Fortunately, while you can't change how you think, you can change who you are. You don't have to be a bad person. You can have an outlet. You can.
 

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What makes you think you are a bad person, hm? Everyone blows it from time to time. Some people blow it really badly, but don't turn to self-hatred. What is different in your case, do you think?

You can change your thinking. It means looking at the beliefs or thoughts you've held up to be true this entire time and really test them for truth. If they aren't, then remind yourself of that fact every time it comes up. Easier said than done--just like any new skill, expect to fail at it before you really get it.

And if it turns out they are true, it's a suggestion for something you could work to get better at, nothing more. You've survived this long without changing. You can survive a little longer if need be. Changing yourself and your thinking is a choice. No one can make you choose. More power to you, hey?
 

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I can't stop "bottling it up" because there is no outlet, I can't let any of my friends know how I feel because I get no pity from them, they just tell me to "suck it up".
I've come to terms that "I suck" and "I'm pathetic" because it's all I CAN think, if I wasn't such a bad person, I'd not feel like this.
My head is never quiet enough for me to relax or concentrate, I can't even concentrate on typing this, it's so frustrating!
I can't go out because I've got to look after my younger brother when everybody else is at work, I have to go to a friend's house tomorrow when my parents finally get in, meaning I have to wear my "extravert mask", covering up my emotions.

I feel so drained
But there's no chance for me to stop and recover
It sounds like what you need is new friends. Seriously. You said you have to be there for people all the time--why? If they're not there for you in return, which they're obviously not, why do you have to spend yourself for them until you're a wreck? Or at all? You don't. This is what I'm learning about right now in my comm class, and actually, in a psych class, too--psychic vampires. They'll drain you dry if you don't break free. That's the first thing--take yourself back. You're pouring yourself out for nothing. It might take a while to replenish your depleted resources, but it will be well worth it, and taking care of yourself will signal to your subconscious that the worst is over, that you're no longer going to allow others to manipulate you into working against yourself, and that it's time to heal. Take baby steps if you have to, but extricating yourself from the madness has to happen to get your life on track.

I'm glad you can vent here. That's one outlet you'll always have. :) Do you do anything artistic? Maybe try writing or drawing, or music. Even just listening to it really helps sometimes. Do you have pets? Spending time in nature helps a lot of people relax, including me. I don't know if you're religious, but prayer really helps some people, too. You can get through this. Believe me, I've gotten through so many hells in my life that I know no place is really as hopeless as it seems. I won't tell you to suck it up, either. I got told that, and I still remember how ridiculous (and cold) it sounded. But I feel like I have to tell you to do right by yourself. I think it's really a matter of recognizing, accepting, and acting according to, the truth. And right now, in your case, that seems to be: you're surrounded by noxious people who are making a mess out of your life, your sanity, and your self. Cut your losses, give yourself some time, and seek out more caring people...like those who will actually give a damn about how you feel and reciprocate your concern and efforts.
 

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I need to be there for people all the time, I can't let them down, but my fractured mind is too slow to do anything, I'm barely passing my college course because I hate it so much, I can't even gauge my friends anymore, I make incorrect assumptions and it comes back and bites me on the ass.

I see all the happy faces and I can see them die, it makes my heart leap and break at the same time, less of a drain on the planet and nature, but their families are devastated.
I can't make decisions anymore, like putting a copper rod between two magnets and wanting it to stick to one. It makes me angry, and I snap at people, which makes them fear me or hate me, I'm filled with regrets and self hatred.

Contemplating suicide isn't a nice idea.
But then, what is a good idea?
To live on, depressed, as nobody wants to touch my weeping, pus filled, maggot ridden heart?

I just want it all to end, one way or the other...
@CptKickerCutleg

If you it would not be too much to ask, may I ask a few questions?
1.) What makes your College Course the center of your hatred?
2.) May I ask you to tell more about your friends? What are they like, or what do they do that is so intense (I'm guessing there is something about them)
3.) What is your ideal situation or ideal world? May I also request that you compare it to the world or situation you are living in right now?

The reasons I am asking these questions is because they are connected to me in a way. I had a terrible college life. It had its ups but I always looked at the downs instead. Even up to this day, it is crippling my judgement and my life. Perhaps I could face this problem of mine with you, if you don't mind. I hated taking up my college course too by the way and I wish I ended up in another degree; but my mother prevented me from pursuing it, and she was funding my studies.
 

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I would suggest, instead of suppressing or wishing your emotions would go away, OP, to allow yourself to feel them.
A lot of the time when we bottle up things, we end up snapping at people when we don't mean to.
 

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Don't ever let ANYONE tell you that you are pathetic...especially yourself. That's not true. We all make mistakes and that's a part of life. The important thing is to learn from those mistakes, so we can continue to grow. It is hard to forgive, and even harder to forgive yourself, but that is what you must do.

You are going through incredible pain right now, so you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. It's important that you find a space where you can express all of these things that you are feeling. It is understandable that you can't go to your friends, because unfortunately, most people are not able to deal with such issues. But you need to talk to someone. I had the same problem and I realized that I needed a therapist. If no one else will listen to you, utilize those who will. And there are many wise and gentle souls on here that I'm sure would be willing to help you through this. I don't think anyone can defeat these kinds of feelings alone, and you shouldn't have to.

I know it's hard to make time for these types of things because our daily lives can be so hectic, but it's important that you make this a priority. Otherwise, nothing will change and things might get worse. I've been there too and I completely snapped, and I'm still fighting to get back. Don't let yourself continue slipping down this path. I remember thinking that I had no time to stop to recover, and then I let it get to the point where that choice was made for me. I got to a point where I literally could not function anymore. You don't have to stop completely, but take pauses and breaks to take care of yourself. I bet you have a lot to offer this world, but it's difficult to help others if we neglect ourselves completely. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. Stay strong; believe in yourself and you will get through this.
 

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@CptKickerCutleg

Is how you're feeling at present a recent thing? If you were to rate how you feel on a scale of 1 to 10 (eg 1 = absolutely awful and 10 = everything is great) what would your current score be? And what would you give for a month ago, 3 months, 6 months and a year ago?

On your profile you say you're in a relationship. How's that going? Does she know how you're feeling? How honest can you be with here?
 

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oopsies
 

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You INFJ counselors are terrible! :tongue:

I've quickly skimmed the page and know enough to see I need to read the entire conversation :proud:. However, I just don't FEEL the concern from you all. Hell, I don't have any current problems (as I've nicely hidden them deep inside in the form of an ulcer and/or heart disease), but even I feel like I could use a drink or shrink. Maybe if I read what's going on I'd not be saying such babble.



For the INFP going through chaos, maybe you could create another topic under a different part of INFJ land. We're not very senstive today as I'm not capable of speliing or caring to correct my poor spelling.
 

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You INFJ counselors are terrible! :tongue:

I've quickly skimmed the page and know enough to see I need to read the entire conversation :proud:. However, I just don't FEEL the concern from you all. Hell, I don't have any current problems (as I've nicely hidden them deep inside in the form of an ulcer and/or heart disease), but even I feel like I could use a drink or shrink. Maybe if I read what's going on I'd not be saying such babble.



For the INFP going through chaos, maybe you could create another topic under a different part of INFJ land. We're not very senstive today as I'm not capable of speliing or caring to correct my poor spelling.
You ARE aware that this thread is almost 1.5 years old, right? :tongue: I doubt the OP who still posted this is still looking for the same advice, or even active for that matter.
 

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You ARE aware that this thread is almost 1.5 years old, right? :tongue: I doubt the OP who still posted this is still looking for the same advice, or even active for that matter.
So much for humor :sad:
 

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Sorry that you have to go through this. *hug*

Depression is going to be long and hard and seem infinite... You'll feel helpless, desperate, and alone, and you'll hate yourself for it because you feel like your sadness is "unjustified".

But it's not true. You have every right to feel like giving in on everything... It may seem like people can't understand, but in reality, many have experienced what you're going through.

You need to try to find your happiness again... Exercise is always helpful, even if it's just a simple walk. You may feel better if you're outside as well; never getting any fresh air or sunlight can bring your mood down. I also recommend taking small steps. Make a small goal, and do it. Whether you feel like doing it at that moment or not, follow through, because the reward of feeling accomplished can save you. Be the person you want to be, not who you are told to be. Don't give in on life because it has treated you so hard... The past doesn't define who you are now; learn from what has happened, rather than letting it destroy you.

There's no easy, perfect way to get out... But there's always hope, and with a little determination, you will always get through. Send me a PM if you ever need to talk. <3
 
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