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I have been injured so badly with antipsychotics and the treatment I have been given by psychiatry that I can barely even speak. The days when I was genuinely laughing, exploring the world at my own albeit very sluggish pace (later on) and feeling truly alive are so far gone now that it almost seems like they never happened, despite that they happened not that long ago. I’m not the first to wish that my linguistic skills would match up to the depth of the experience I am trying to communicate and I won’t be the last, but my inability to actually say what’s happened/happening to me is immensely frustrating.
So since I can’t spin a poetic or emotional yarn and explain myself that way, I’ll just have to say that I can no longer think, feel anything but emptiness, restlessness and quiet despair and in general I am not in tune with my senses enough to enjoy them. More or less, my mind has gone completely blank on antipsychotics. I can no longer picture anything in my head that isn’t severely distorted, and I have no natural running imagination like I used to. Once, I could lie down and entertain myself by allowing images to flow through my mind and by enjoying the feelings and thoughts that corresponded with them. I seldom pictured things that made me uncomfortable. Now, this never happens at all and I have to struggle to picture my mother’s face even. When I do it comes out disgustingly distorted and bearing little resemblance to what she actually looks like.
Furthermore, I can’t speak to myself in my head. I cannot even say the word hello to myself without moving muscles in my throat or changing my breathing. That is, I have no internal voice. When I concentrate on my mind, all I get is pitch blackness coupled with the physically generated effects of my retinas and such. My mind makes no associations between things and in fact hardly generates thoughts about things at all. What I can’t understand is how the world in general has come not to realize how painful it really is to have no internal world whatsoever. Surely, I used to think, this must be an emergency of sorts. How am I supposed to relate to others with no stimuli of my own? How am I supposed to do anything? How is this even considered to be alive? How is it humane at all to force this wretched state upon someone against their will with antipsychotics as it was forced upon me? Surely I must have died!
I also suffer from movement disorders. I shuffle around a lot and constantly move my legs and feet. Most of the time I have no awareness that I am doing this. But this to me is sort of a trifling issue; I am much more agonized by the lack of content in my being. Simply put I add up to nothing, and I feel that I do. I just don’t understand how society can be so cruel like this. People think instinctively that because I have schizophrenia, that I must be seeing things. That I must have a life rich in experience if not in action. The sad truth is the opposite. I have no internal content and I don’t see how I could ever operate this way.
My memories are also gone, for the most part, both long and short term. I can’t remember my past. It’s almost as if, as I’ve said before, the good times in my life never happened.
I just don’t know how I’m supposed to continue this way. Suicide is a very tempting option since drugs like acid that could maybe reverse this are illegal. Honestly, I don’t know if I should bother with that. It might be more prudent just to end it for good. I was afraid of being forced to take antipsychotics but I didn’t know they could do this much damage.
This all goes without mentioning how worthless of a person I am to other people now.
Please INFPs. Stay away from antipsychotics. If there’s even a small chance it could do to you what it did to me (and I believe there’s a large one), it’s not worth the risk.
 

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How long have you been on antipsychotics?

<3
my best friend is on them. she was suffering from bipolar disorder, psychosis, and several other things thrown in the mix i believe. she had to be admitted and also administered electroshock therapy. she has been through a lot and i have seen her in many, many varied states... and somehow over time, (along with her dosages changing over time) she has evened out and begun to improve in ways i never imagined.

:(
i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. i wish i could help more... hm.
 

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How long have you been on antipsychotics?

<3
my best friend is on them. she was suffering from bipolar disorder, psychosis, and several other things thrown in the mix i believe. she had to be admitted and also administered electroshock therapy. she has been through a lot and i have seen her in many, many varied states... and somehow over time, (along with her dosages changing over time) she has evened out and begun to improve in ways i never imagined.

:(
i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. i wish i could help more... hm.
Your friend is probably dead inside and you don't realize it. Unless I'm the only one the drugs effect this way. I severely doubt that.
 

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Reading this made me so angry (at the system, not at you obviously.) When in doubt, drug and shock the shit out of 'em *rolls eyes*. The only good mental hospital is one that's closed and razed to the ground. Fucking sadists. They are so cruel to people who can't be understood or fit into a neat little box.

I really feel for you Maximus, and sincerely hope that you can find a way to live again.
 

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no, my best friend needed them. she was out of this world insane for a prolonged period of time. she didn't recognize anyone, she was starving to death, she would run until she exhausted herself, she didn't recall anything, she was delusional, she tried to jump out a window. she was not herself, she was not the girl i knew. and she needed help.

electroshock therapy and medication was a last resort. but she came back.

the entire ordeal took her several years, and i remember a period in there where she was "dead inside". we went on a tropical vacation and she was barely even there. she's not like that anymore.

i'm not saying the drugs were without their side effects. in fact, when she first went on her many medications she gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of her hair and went numb and god knows what else. but now her hair is gorgeous, she has a lovely figure, and she laughs and gets excited about things again. she's not without troubles, but no one is.

i certainly doubt you're the only person who is experiencing this. i went on antidepressants (i know they're different) and they made me feel barely alive. same thing with another friend of mine. but eventually this went away for him, i don't know why. my doctor encouraged me to give them more time, but i didn't want them. if i had stayed on them, i might be fine and dandy by now too. then again, maybe not. not sure.

maybe you should talk to someone about it? :(
 

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i am sorry for what you're going through though... because when my friend was going through her "numb" period, she was pretty distraught, and i could feel it. :(

yes, i definitely think you should talk to your doctor/psychiatrist/counselor.
 

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Hello everybody. I would like to share with you my experience with antipsychotics. I had OCD and I was hospitalized. They put me on Fluanxol depot injection, after which I felt like total zombi out of this world. I didn t communicate because I had something like block, I had completely empty head and no feelings. I wished to die. I took this depot injection four times, doctor ignored my complaints. Anyway, 5. November was my last shot. After I still felt out of normal state ansd like zombi.
I am very religious person. I prayed to much God to help me and I believed, also everything seemed to be bad. I was also very very tired and I started to be in shame infront of people because I was silent and wierd. Anyway, I prayed every day. Today is 4. February and I am new person, or old haha, because I am like I was before. Thanks to God. I believe this strong and disgusting injection was in my system until now, because until now I had to move all the time with my feet and now I stoped to and I feel normal. I started to have interest in things and communicate. Doctor told me that in December injection was completely out of my system, but I don t believe.
So people I believe that you feel like that because antipsychotics are still in your body. But don t worry I recovered from very bad position and I am sure you will also. I am praying for you all, and I advice you to pray also. If you give it to Jezus, he will change it in absolute victory.
Psalm 12,6: "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise him, my help and my God."

Sorry for my english, I am from Slovakia. God bless you.
 

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Don't take acid; it makes any psychotic tendencies worse.

That said, I'm on court ordered Risperdal injections for one year because of a minor altercation I had with my husband. I don't feel anything from it. I will stop taking it after the court order is over. Maybe you could see if they'd switch your medication for now. Just remember if you do get to go off them, you need to taper off the drugs or there can be unpleasant rebound effects.

I also went through years in and out of mental hospitals; and at times it was nothing short of torture, especially the side effects of the antipsychotics, so I know what you mean. I also experience the blackness inside that you are speaking of. Try sunlight therapy for that. Or any light if you cannot see the sun.
 

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God is Savior

Hello again. I want share with you what I experienced. I can tell you first that all you who feel numbed and tired, etc. as I did and sometimes I still feel, we all have not only problem with drug but with unforgiveness, anger, and hurtings in our hearts. That s why we are numbed. We need to forgive everybody, bless everybody and thank to God for all, for our hearts, soul, feelings, people around,... This way light of God and his Spirit will enter to your heart and you recognize you feel perfect and free and happy. Because real hapiness is not in world around, but in your soul. Trust me! I experienced it. In past I was dependent on outside impulses. But it wasn t right. God, through this numbness brought me to freedom of my soul. Even If I will feel everything like before, I won t allow outside world to influence state of my heart. My heart is in neverending love- God in whom is my fullfilment.

I pray for you all to experience it.
 

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I am so sorry that is terrible. :(
I have taken myself off of anti-depressants twice. They just make everything and turn me into a zombie. If anyone wants to talk my twitter is @codydraco I'm always here to talk. :/
 

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I've taken 10-20 mg escitalopram based ssri for 8 months now (and stopped today because I ran out of them) and the only downside I've noticed is decreased sex drive. I haven't noticed any zombiefying effects. Maybe I've been kind of a zombie always?
 

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My long distance beloved one has untreated schizophrenia. And its gotten so bad that its impossible to reach her and she can't reach me, despite the intense depth of the love we share. She basically does not have a life at all and neither I nor her family have a clue how to turn it around without her willingness to be treated. I can not divulge what the dangers are she has been exposed to due to her illness but no amount of damage due to antipsychotics comes anywhere near that level.
 

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I have OCD and I've been on 150mg a day of Zoloft and I feel a lot more functional it helps keep my emotions boiling over. I still feel happiness and sadness but zoloft helps me to handle these emotions and I'm now a much more motivated & happy person since taking them. The only problem is the insomnia which I suffer sometimes, in general the zoloft seems to help the undesirable traits of being an INFP and controlling OCD.
 

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I am currently studying mental health nursing and I have to agree with you, I am totally against the medical approach/drugging people up/locking people up. There's too much coercion in the mental health system- forcing people to undergo treatment and restricting their liberty.

I am currently doing my dissertation on voice hearing (I don't like to use labels on people) and it's about how nurses should talk to voice hearers about the content/meaning of their voices rather than increase their medication. Recovery is subjective and I think it's important to always ask the person what they actually want help with.

Read Thomas Szasz (there's no such thing as mental illness) and his works on anti-psychiatry/history of psychiatry.
 

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antipsychotics ruined my life too

I can totally relate to the topic starter. I am on and off antipsychotic medication for two years now.

At first I took Seroquel and I did that voluntarily, because I trusted the doctors. First thing I noticed that after a few weeks, my ability to fantasize, my emotions, my ability to visualize, and the hearing of my own inner voice all disappeared. I used to have a rich inner world, but that all disappeared. My mind went black.

I thought that stopping the medication would let my own inner self return, but it never did...

Right now I am on forced Haldol injections for already a year now. After every injection I loose more of myself and my inner world disappears more and more. I can not feel joy, love, spiritual feelings, happiness or any other emotion.
Also I don't feel anything when something bad happens. I wish I could cry again.

I used to talk a lot to myself and to God in my head. But I lost the ability to internally talk. It's complete silence now and it's awful. It also means I can't pray anymore, except for out loud.

I am angry (can't feel it, but with my ratio I mean), with the doctors who take only physical side effects of the medication seriously, but are okay with the complete loss of the patients inner thoughts and feelings and the loss of your own personality.

I hope one day I am allowed to stop the 'medication' and that slowly my feelings, thoughts and fullness in my mind will return. But I fear that that hope is idle after such a long time of forced antipsychotics use.
 

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I'm sorry to hear you're in so much turmoil because of anti-psychotics. I do want to empathize with you as I've experienced that initially with anti-psychotics (I have bipolar disorder), but I know I cannot do so effectively unless I experience the full depth of what you're going through.

I'm assuming that you've stopped taking them and still experience these symptoms. I want to suggest you to try ADHD medication because that seems to have helped me concentrate a bit more. It does affect imagination a bit, but in your case I think it would actually help bring it back - although maybe not at the same level as you used to before taking anti-psychotics.

I hope that one day you will be able to find a way to relieve yourself of these symptoms. No one should ever feel like they lost themselves from medication.
 

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Sorry to hear about your issues with your medication. It's a really difficult subject because sometimes people really need meds, but sometimes they do more harm to people than good. When the choice is taken out of your hands, due to the situation or because you are beyond being able to choose for yourself it gets even more difficult. I think we have this inherent trust in doctors and we just take whatever they tell us to without looking into it ourselves, sometimes with irreversible effects.

I would recommend that anyone read the possible side effects before taking any medication and decide if they are worth the benefits of the meds they are taking. Have you tried meditation? I'm not recommending paying thousands on some commercialised program, but there are plenty of free resources online and trying it out can't harm can it? I feel your pain and hope that you find your inner voice again soon.
 

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They are certainly prescribed too liberally nowadays.

I was prescribed them for anxiety and OCD. After taking them, I realized there are worse things than daily panic attacks. In fact the experience has lead me to enjoy (well, somewhat) my anxiety.

You can't blame psychiatrists individually. They are playing a role in a corrupt system in order to earn a living. You know, like a lot of people. It's not really their place to say, "No, I'm not going to give you anything." when someone comes to them saying, "My life is being ruined by anxiety/depression/paranoia."

They don't do talk therapy or behavior therapy. They are psychopharmacologists. They do five minute med checks and process people for benefit eligibility.

I would recommend that anyone try to be self informed about all treatment and substances available to them. Anyone with an average IQ should be capable of this. Unfortunately it's people who aren't particularly introspective or inquisitive that are hurt most by psychiatry, but that's the case with most things. Children and the developmentally disabled are the most exploited by the mental health establishment.

I see that Thomas Szasz was mentioned here. That's great. He gives a great over-arching view of anti-psychiatry philosophy. But I'd sooner recommend Robert Whitaker and Elliot Valenstein to anyone interested in biopsychiatry controversy. They emphasize calls for pragmatic reforms to psychiatry (which, historically, anti-psychiatry folks have almost been exclusively responsible for) rather than outright abolishment which is more applicable to reality as it's less ostracizing to people. Not to mention that their work is just impressively comprehensive and informative, good reading.
 

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Honestly, without antipsychotics, my brother would more than likely be dead or in a situation close to it as we speak. I do not know what the differentiating factor was between you and my brother; but they work for him. Perhaps your just on the wrong meds or have some other complicated disorder that looks like psychosis, I don't know, but I'm sorry.
I also think that psychiatrists really are trying to do their best; there are so many people that need psychiatric medicine and so little time to do therapy, which is why therapists are here. Also, they're just trying to treat you, the patient, to the best of their ability. Of course, there are bad psychiatrists.
 

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I think Lithium is one of the zombiefying ones? I’ve seen someone in that zombie state and it definitely made me angry. It does not look like a state a human being should ever be in. Surely there are alternatives.
p.s. I liked the original post as a thank you for sharing and bringing the subject to light.




 
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