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Hi! I'm 16 and this is the 100000th time I write this line because the page would refresh whenever I go look up sth. :D

School
I'm in high school atm, will begin 11th grade this autumn, Maths Informatics. Which doesn't suit me much. Maths was never my thing, although I got good at it because of reasons I can't seem to be able to put together in my mind atm. All I know is that it isn't in my nature to think logically/rationally, I'm just too artistic/emotional/crazy for it, it frustrates me. However, I found Informatics pretty effortless to get into and fun last year (9th grade), because of my tendency to explore every possiblity which made me observe best (shortest and most efficent) ways to do something and faults with things instead of just resolving a problem as soon as I found a way, any way to solve it, like others seemed to -"It works, who cares if there's a better way to do it". And that was valued + I love the teacher, as a person too so I really enjoyed it.
I reffer to the 9th grade because this year it all stopped making any sense. Or not it, I did.

Trying to describe this
Atm I'm so anxious and physically weak but I'm trying to make some sense for the sake of this thread. I know I am rambling and all over the place and sorry. I AM desperate and trying to get this out of my chest for once, nobody seems to understand.
Yet I don't know what to say so you get it. I don't get it myself. I'm mentally constipated. *lol* And emotionally.

I feel so empty and alone. And scared. I don't know what the heck I want, feel, where to go, where I belong. I can't trust people or myself. It's like I'm constantly being hunted. By my own standards, by lack of "meaning" and feeling. I am hard on myself. I could get inside of a room and just be so terrified that someone will tell how weak I am and pick up on me. I guess that is where it comes from.
I was bullied during middle school, and wasn't accepted even before, but memories are not always clear & objective (I influence them with my pov atm). I am not sure whether bullying is the right word to use, since it was nothing physical. I just was rejected. I was dressing in a childish way while other kids tried to be cool already. I remember telling them and my parents that "How you look is not important. Who you are inside is.". So I was naive, sensitive, which they could see and therefore had looots of fun doing pranks to me or telling me that "hey, I am your friend and I wanna help you but you dress horribly". I was not becoming more harsh, judgemental, even evil or violent even if just as a defensive mechanism, because that was not me. I ended up staying alone a lot. I don't know how much I was aware of what was going on around me at that time. Awareness came with age and remembering all these things and understanding them the way I do now really burns me on the inside.

I can't tell whether I am an introvert or an extrovert. Although introvert looks like me most of the time from the outside, it annoys me so much. You know those questions in tests "In your spare time, would you rather stay at home and (insert activity) or go out and (insert activity)?". They drive me insane. I don't know what to answer. What would I rather? If this entire Idon'tevenknowwhattocallmyproblem was magically off my shoulders, and I mean GONE for real, I would love to be around people and explore, them and new things in general. Feel, help, do what I feel is right, create. Idk. Sometimes be alone. But not isolated as I am now. Or I am just lying to myself and this is just who I would want to be because of my present situation. Whatever. What do I do in reality? Stay at home, torture myself through over-thinking like CRAZY, and yes that includes feeling hopeless, stupid and even more alone when I realize that I am not doing anything or not much: to get better at anything, to feel better, to socialize, to find what I like, to enjoy this summer holiday like I always did, to ... I am just anxious and panicked, and it results in physical weakness, shaking, sweating, lack of sense, attention, appetite which makes me unable to do any of the above and I know it. So it makes me feel even worse. It's suffocating.

This anxiety is not constant, but it's how I've been feeling most of the time since 10th grade begun. Yes, I can get enthusiastic and be extroverted and something like I wished I was. But it lasts a day or a few and then gone. I'm back to square 1. And it's not even like I am not longer afraid. It's just that. IDK. I guess it's called lying to yourself, convincing yourself that you can get over it.

Friends
I do have friends... I guess. I talk to some people, but not for real. Heck. What am I saying. It's just that in 9th grade I had like 3 best friends and now... 0. One couldn't get the phone out of her butt for like half a year and never replied/called back etc. so I eventually couldn't take it so we had a "fight" during 10th grade. The apostrophes are for how I feel like I couldn't truly show my anger and felt like she won in a way, because she managed to somehow put the blame on me. Oh constipation everywhere. Lol My other best friend just can't get it because she just thinks I'm irrational and should be more of an asshole. After all, she is right, yet it doesn't help me at all. And 3rd, my desk mate. She's probably ISFJ, at least so she came out in one quiz I sent her to and she said she agreed. She's a helper&sounds a lot like a type 2, but she can't help me, and I feel like she doesn't get me since I've been so messed up. I am crazy and get excited about stupid things and she's calm and occasionally rolls her eyes at my childish enthusiasm, which sometimes sorta hurts me but I try not to show it. I tried to talk about Idekwtcmp* and she said things like "I have gone through some ugly things myself but I don't talk about them" "It's not true, it's only in your head" "I've been thinking about it, and, don't get me wrong, I think you should go see a psychologist (which I have, and it was BAD)" she sometimes gets tired of it "You know, I tried to give you advice and all but you don't want to follow it so I give up." Which hurts like shit so I shut up and just yeah. Feel even more miserable but keep it inside. We simply distanced.
And that's it. I don't have anything but more distant friends. I do sometimes talk to them but I can't make friends, like real friends atm.

Music
I found that I relate to Linkin Park music/videos/interviews so much even though I only recently got into them... it's the first time in my life that I don't feel like I get inside another person's mind and listen to a story, this time it's like looking in the mirror and someone managed to put all these feelings together and had the strength to shout it all out.




Ask me stuff if you want to. My mood is not constant in this text, it took me almost a day to write this so yeah. I feel really guilty for writing and making you read such an amount of crap but I just can't get myself out of this alone.

*I don't even know what to call my problem




About my type: I wish that I was an ENFP. But it's not only this, I do genuinely relate to ENFP things. However, considering that I am what's called "unhealthy", I guess I can't type myself atm. :D
Reading INFP descriptions... I relate and don't. Again, I can't type myself atm. They seem more calm, which I really am not (don't kill me, I've got a lot left to learn about types).
NFP sounds correct. And I generally got relatively high % for these in tests.
I scored as 7w6 in a few tests, and I can't say I disagree.

Help?

And thank you. :)
 

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Sweet Matrimony.
ENTJ 8w7 so/sx
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Hi there.
Where do you live? It's going to determine what sort of advice I'll give.
 

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It does sound like anxiety and depression to me. I went through the same stuff at the same age. It started with my parents separating and a year later, what happened to me during childhood (bullying and abuse) caught up to me and anxiety + depression happened. So I certainly know how you feel like, from the hopelessness to the apathy. Depression and anxiety is a horrible combination to deal with. Anxiety makes me fearful of doing much and depression adds apathy to it. I often sit at my computer and just spending my days trying to distract myself from the flood of circular thoughts, anxiety and depressive crap that my brain throws at me. It feels more like a weight on my shoulders than being hunted, but I can definitely relate to the hopelessness and the anxiety. The isolation is also really painful to deal with but I'm trying to do what I can to try and not feel alone, even if my depression and anxiety keeps trying to tell me that my attempts are futile.

It's a good idea to try and figure out the kind of person you are, and the enneagram + typing can help. You should go and see a doctor though. That's what I did after my last year of high school. My school counselor referred me to one and that doctor then referred me to my psychiatrist. Maybe your school has a counselor too that you could go and see. Back then I just went to the school's front desk and asked (I remember being a mess when I did that too).

It might sound strange to go to a regular doctor for something like this, but it totally is something that you can do, and I encourage you to. They'll make sure that nothing else might be going on that might cause you to feel that way and they can refer you to someone that can give you proper help.

I understand how you feel. I'm going through the same stuff too. So just know that you aren't alone.
 

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Hey man, you definitely sound like an NFP
I am an ENFP 4w3
For once it sounds like there is someone else who is so emotional and no one understands! Haha, but really. I was thinking you may be a 4 instead of a seven. The first time I took the test I also got 7w6 and could relate but it wasn't as right as the four. I had to take the test twice more to confirm it. But fours feel a lot, especially how they relate things to themselves. A lot of descriptions make them sound narcissistic:/ ENFPs are the most introverted of the extroverts. I relate with both ENFP and INFP. More so ENFP sense I have no interest in assisting humanity. 7s aren't very interested in talking about negative emotions and would rather sweep everything under the rug --I dated one-- 4s become consumed with feeling. 7s can't stand staying in place for fear of missing out. Fours hate feeling like they may be insignificant or just common. No one understands you? No one is like you, is what it seems like you are saying. 7s deal with depression by distracting themselves and usually don't talk about it much. 4s like to understand why and just snuggle in sadness. 4s spend a lot of time thinking about how try feel. You're probably an ENFP 4
Check it out:) and nice to meet you


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
First, thank you both for replying. :)

I'm so late with replying, sorry.

Every time that I try to post this it doesn't come out the way I want it to be. :dry:
Plus, it's so so tiring to talk about this. >.<

It does sound like anxiety and depression to me. I went through the same stuff at the same age. It started with my parents separating and a year later, what happened to me during childhood (bullying and abuse) caught up to me and anxiety + depression happened. So I certainly know how you feel like, from the hopelessness to the apathy. Depression and anxiety is a horrible combination to deal with. Anxiety makes me fearful of doing much and depression adds apathy to it. I often sit at my computer and just spending my days trying to distract myself from the flood of circular thoughts, anxiety and depressive crap that my brain throws at me. It feels more like a weight on my shoulders than being hunted, but I can definitely relate to the hopelessness and the anxiety. The isolation is also really painful to deal with but I'm trying to do what I can to try and not feel alone, even if my depression and anxiety keeps trying to tell me that my attempts are futile.

It's a good idea to try and figure out the kind of person you are, and the enneagram + typing can help. You should go and see a doctor though. That's what I did after my last year of high school. My school counselor referred me to one and that doctor then referred me to my psychiatrist. Maybe your school has a counselor too that you could go and see. Back then I just went to the school's front desk and asked (I remember being a mess when I did that too).

It might sound strange to go to a regular doctor for something like this, but it totally is something that you can do, and I encourage you to. They'll make sure that nothing else might be going on that might cause you to feel that way and they can refer you to someone that can give you proper help.

I understand how you feel. I'm going through the same stuff too. So just know that you aren't alone.
Hey, I don't know how much it helps, but I'm really sorry all that happened to you. I genuinely hope that you somehow manage to heal or get better at least.

About the "flood of thoughts": I relate to what you say. So many thoughts in my head, all full of frustration and before I get to counteract the negativity of one ugly memory/imagined situation my mind jumps to the next. I don't feel it like a weight on my shoulders though, but like a fire burning me from beneath my ribs. It seems that's where the heart/anahata chakra is. I just read a few articles and it actually makes sense. Hmm.
What you said about distracting yourself. I also agree with that. That's what I was trying to say with "feeling hunted" - hunted by what you're trying to distract yourself from.

The bad psychologist experience was the one I had with the counselor at my school. Hah
Sometimes I think that I'll be alright but then I feel like this again so I realize I can't take care of this on my own. There's nothing else I can think of and should help me so I will go to the psychologist sooner or later.
I really wish I can find someone to connect with. I need sb who will see both my happy and normal self & my I-can't-make-any-sense, splashing negativity everywhere, paralyzed, I wish I wasn't like this, I wanna toughen up but look like an idiot moments... and understand it.

Thank you. ^^

Hey man, you definitely sound like an NFP
I am an ENFP 4w3
For once it sounds like there is someone else who is so emotional and no one understands! Haha, but really. I was thinking you may be a 4 instead of a seven. The first time I took the test I also got 7w6 and could relate but it wasn't as right as the four. I had to take the test twice more to confirm it. But fours feel a lot, especially how they relate things to themselves. A lot of descriptions make them sound narcissistic:/ ENFPs are the most introverted of the extroverts. I relate with both ENFP and INFP. More so ENFP sense I have no interest in assisting humanity. 7s aren't very interested in talking about negative emotions and would rather sweep everything under the rug --I dated one-- 4s become consumed with feeling. 7s can't stand staying in place for fear of missing out. Fours hate feeling like they may be insignificant or just common. No one understands you? No one is like you, is what it seems like you are saying. 7s deal with depression by distracting themselves and usually don't talk about it much. 4s like to understand why and just snuggle in sadness. 4s spend a lot of time thinking about how try feel. You're probably an ENFP 4
Check it out:) and nice to meet you


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk
Nice to meet you too! :)

Haha

I have considered being a 4. But just like when I'm reading about INFPs, whenever I try and identify with it I get annoyed. It's either that I'm in denial or I am not like that indeed. The fact that I relate to type 4 is maybe because of my depression or whatever.

At least I'm not the only one who thinks that descriptions of 4s sound bad. 4s must be awesome people in their own way, I can see the reasons but these descriptions... ugh! They often make it sound like all of this depression is part of being a 4, that is so wrong I don't even know where to start. >.<
I consider my problems problems and would rather not see this as my personality type.

Idk how to put it but the "nobody is like you" part: 1. :sad: Oh no. 2. trying to find a logical reason why I don't agree 3. freaking failing :confused:. It's not that nobody is like me. It's that I am not okay. And I want and need to heal and do something productive in my freaking life. And nobody freaking gets it, myself included.

This is why I posted this here. My parents can't get it nor does anybody else I can think of either. Some care and I deeply appreciate the very simple fact that they've been by my side. But what exactly can they do?! I get pretty desperate sometimes. I am unable to do it on my own. I am sick of my own company. I am making a drama out of nothing. There are people who went through much worse and are okay. Or they're not but they have a freaking reason. My one reason is probably the fact that I'm not doing anything with my life. Everyone does something and realizing this makes me feel even sicker when I'm already feeling sick.

I don't like talking and thinking about this. It makes me feel selfish, frustrated, sick of myself, begging for attention. Pretty stupid too.

I I I I me me my that's all I talk about. :rolleyes:






Anyway, thank you both again. :) I needed to talk to somebody and this helped. Wishing you an awesome day!
 
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