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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello All,

I'm new here, so first off - hello! Nice to have found a community of like-minded (literally) individuals.

So, today, wondering why I am so clingy when it comes to my soon to be hubby, I did some research and discovered I'm Anxious-Preoccupied. Apparently I'm too much of a noob to post links, but you can Google it and find the Wikipedia or "Truth about Deception" websites for definitions of this and other attachment styles.

Basically being anxious-preoccupied means you suffer from a lot of anxiety when being separated from your spouse, or constantly worry about them when you don't know exactly where they are. You will lie to them because you only want them to hear what you want them to hear, and they will lie to you because they don't want to hurt your overblown emotions. You will always feel like you love them more than they love you, or blame yourself if they don't put out such an outpouring of love and affection like you do. Recipe for disaster if you ask me, but I can't stop myself from being such a clinger. It feels like if I back off he will lose interest, even though I know in my brain that this behavior would push anyone in the opposite direction.

Now realizing that I most definitely have this problem, I'm trying to figure out how to fix it. It has gotten easier since we had our first baby - I guess some of the intense energy directed at him has gone to her...yet I feel I am also getting separation anxiety with her too. I normally see her every day on my lunch hour and now that she's getting older and flips out when I leave, these visits have to end. But I can't stop.

My fiancee goes out of town sometimes 2-3 nights a week and I find myself thinking something's happened to him if he doesn't call me in the morning. Before the baby came I would just shut down, heading straight up to our bedroom, sulking and eating my dinner in bed and falling asleep as soon as possible so I wouldn't have to endure the loneliness. He works long hours and I find myself waking him up early on the weekends just because I want to talk to him. I will wake him up in the middle of the night asking dumb questions like, "Will you always love me?"

This very intense clinginess completely counteracts the relative "blah-ness" I feel toward my other relationships. We live far from our family and have very few friends, but it seems the intense emotional feelings I have toward my fiancee and our baby kind of max out my capacity for relationships. Of course I love my family and friends, but over time it has gotten to the point where it feels awkward to speak with people I haven't talked to in awhile and I have lost most of my other relationships.

According to most, this is due to a bad childhood or poor parenting, but I do not remember my childhood being that horrible. True, my own mother admitted to me awhile back that she HATED me when I was a colicky newborn, and my dad worked nights and was gone a lot...they divorced when I was 19 but I've had these issues long before then...I can't recall any abuse or neglect. I can recall being young and lying there panicked waiting to hear my dad's truck coming down the driveway if I expected him home, and my Father's Day essay from 1st grade is all about how I am scared he's going to die from smoking, which I think is pretty absurd. My mother was the one around caring for us most of the time, but I was always a daddy's girl. He was loving and fun but also had very high expectations and a temper. My mother was a great mother in the sense of the word, made sure our home was always clean, our appointments set, and our activities paid for. She was loving and affectionate, yet still somewhat emotionally unavailable. If we were sick she'd throw us on the couch and not touch us. If we were scared or sick in the night, she was pretty much useless and angry (just because she's a different person if woken up) Still, I don't see my childhood or my parents as being bad - am I just lying to myself? Or is there another root cause?

Is anyone else going through this? How do I get a grip? I promise, I'm a sound-minded individual, but I can't seem to get past this one. They say to go back into your childhood and see where the problem lies, but I can't find it. I think that's the most frustrating part of all of this - not knowing what caused it and what underlying issues are contributing.

Thanks for reading, hopefully somebody has some advice.
 

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I'm sorry you are going through this. How is your relationshipwith your fiance? Is he healthy? Have you talked to him about it?
 

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You sound a lot I do when I'm in love with someone. I don't think I had a particularly rough childhood either, so that seems a little off to me.
 

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I can relate, especially the bit about drifting from friends and family. Now that I've looked at it from an outside perspective, I'm thinking that making more friends would probably be good for you. Seems like you have vested most of your emotional security in your fiancee, which is understandable. But if you don't have other friends to share experiences with you'll run the risk of having him be your only connection. When something doesn't exactly "click" in your interactions you might overreact and attribute it to a souring relationship, because everything has to be "just perfect" right? These are things other people could easily shrug off because they have the distraction (or support, I guess) of friends and/or family.

I don't know, I might just be projecting, here. Sorry if I'm totally off-base but hopefully it's somewhat on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks everyone :)

He is healthy, though definitely a different personality type than me, not sure which though. He's very loving and affectionate but also needs lots and lots of alone/hobby time in order to destress. He's been really tolerant of my neediness and does not treat me like a pathetic little girl, which is great. His own mother is a bit (okay, a lot) of a "swooper." He's almost 30 and she still tells him what to eat and what to do when she's around...so I can understand how he ended up not quite as needy as me. He is respectful of me and does not go out to bars without me unless it's for a few hours after work...yet I feel I am holding him back. He holds himself back from doing things thinking I'll disapprove or throw a fit (which I've made huge steps on, and would not mind him having some buddy time in the slightest) Yet I feel he will always see me as super needy and feel the need to accommodate or lie to me to stay out of trouble. This makes me sad.

I have made vast improvements in the past 5 years of living with him, but I still want to get my confidence and security level up to a point where I don't worry if I don't hear from him right away in the morning, or get little pangs of jealousy if I see a bar tab on our credit card when he's out of town or isn't answering my calls. He's not the kind of man who would ever hurt me and I need to be secure in that! Why is this so hard???

I'm really not a sad, self-pitying person - this post was kind of a downer. :) But I really want to get to the bottom of this and finish it off for good!
 

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There was one man in my life who ever brought out this side of me, and he turned out to be clinically antisocial. I don't think he was a bad man but he was a broken man and eventually I cut ties with him completely. That's why I wondered whether your fiance's behavior might be triggering you. A suggestion: NF's are generally better at helping people with these kinds of problems than NT's. Maybe you could bring your problem to another forum. Also, have you considered getting professional help?
 

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i am finding myself in a similar situation,
this may just be an intp kind of thing, but i have major anxiety issues, and well i don't think i have a generally bad childhood, but my mom has serious anger problems, and well... most people would consider it not a very good way to grow up. i gues ive just gotten used to it, so i see it as normal, but is this maybe why? like why im having these anxiety problems?
 

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Living with someone who cannot control her temper would make anyone anxious. It's a perfectly normal reaction to a shitty situation.
 

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Hello admama,

I tend to 'try' and avoid relationships that get me heavily emotionally invested, so I cannot truly relate. I do believe that INTP type personalities are ones that do not easily find relationships they really cherish. That may have something to do with why you 'cling.' I am guessing. I agree with Nitou about considering professional advice. It is what I would do.

It is illegal and avoided by many, but I will share that smoking heavy amounts of good pot for a few days calms my mind. It is one of the only ways I have found to stop my mind from needless thinking, and I far prefer it to booze. That is a home remedy and it is self-medicating, and a really crappy short fix compared to counseling, possible proper medication, and real life solutions.

I completely understand about wanting to get rid of unwelcome, unnecessary, and useless anxiety.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Hahaha...nothingnew...best cure I ever found! :) However, being a mom with a baby, I can't use it as my daily anxiety pill! I hope it becomes legal so I don't have to compromise my sanity to be sure my child won't be taken from me by CPS. :)

Nitou, thank you very much for the advice! I do not think it's him bringing this out in me, because I've always been like this. With my dad when I was younger, and with many of my young relationships. Perhaps professional help is the answer! I've just never actually looked into it.

I do definitely have NF traits, and can go either way. I was wondering myself if I should have posted this on the forum for feelers instead of thinkers! Makes sense!
 

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I don't think I can say anything that has already been said, but I suffer the same problem on occasion, but maybe not as extreme as you.

All I can say is that it frustrates me to breaking point, because emotions get in the way of my thought process, I literally cannot think straight if I am worried or frightened.

One thing I do know - just because we have high T doesn't mean we don't have a heart that feels.

This hasn't offered any advice, just experience.
 

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Sweetie,

I am not an Intp, I am an INFJ. But, I am going to write to you anyway because this is a "common issue" for all INFP's. --- INFP's are famous for unrequited love.

"The phenomenon of unrequited love in the lives of infps (a Jungian introverted personality type -- you know who you are) -- is so common maybe that's why it's gone without remarking. It remains part of the heartache and secret anguish of many infps. I suggest reading or rereading Hans Christian Andersen's "The Little Mermaid".

Infp's are about "connections - time together" with their current objects of affection, in every area of life. Were-as, the INTP and yes... the INFJ are about independence.

Accept this side of you because perhaps, it's the "thinking about it so much" that is adding to the issue. --- Be comfortable in your own skin and natural behaviors that may end the panic behavior. The rest will sort itself out.
 

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I am an isfp and have a very good friend who is an infp, she has the same issues you have. She wakes her husband up in the middle of night and has to be reassured of his love. He also needs his space. I will tell you what I told her. Dont sell yourself short, think about the things that attracted him to you in the first place. I find that if I can get her distracted or interested in other things or projects her "neediness" diminishes. Try not to be too intense, he might get emotionally drained with that kind of attachment. If you back off a little chances are things will smooth out.
 
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