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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Has anybody here experienced, or is still experiencing commitment-related issues and fears? How did you/are you dealing with them, and what is your type?

I'm especially interested in hearing from any and all commitment-phobic Js, as I don't think avoiding commitment and being bound by obligations is the exclusive privilege of Perceivers :crazy:
 

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Has anybody here experienced, or is still experiencing commitment-related issues and fears? How did you/are you dealing with them, and what is your type?

I'm especially interested in hearing from any and all commitment-phobic Js, as I don't think avoiding commitment and being bound by obligations is the exclusive privilege of Perceivers :crazy:
INFP

I definitely am. I wouldn't say that I'm "dealing," but managing it. i keep things light with women and avoid avenues that might make things to serious. If I feel anyone get too close to me, I instinctively pull away, which results in ending contact with someone who was good company.

Eventually I'll have to contend with whatever the origin of my phobia is, but for now I'm content to have casual and fleeting relationships than deal with the complications of a long-term relationship.
 
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INTJ. I'm not phobic but I do avoid commitment. I don't consider it an issue that needs to be addressed, managed or fixed though.

I am happiest and most content with myself when I'm on my own or in casual relationships that don't infringe on my independence. When I'm in long-term relationships I feel like a caged bird - trapped, dull and miserable.

I see no reason to try and force myself to go against my nature.
 

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At this point in my life, yes. I have trouble getting close to anyone because I keep remembering what happened the past. Even if someone really nice comes along, I don't trust them and am not open like I used to be.
 

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I'm an ISTP and I haven't been able to sustain relationships for very long due to commitment issues. My foresight into the relationship involves where we are, and what I perceive may come up in the near future and the ability to persevere through problems. I haven't been able to face my issues, I just can't maintain a relationship even if it's meaningful. In other words, I'm scared of venturing into the unknown.

I don't know though, it may just be me but I just have too much doubts putting all 100% effort into a relationship because I like constants and fear change. Maybe a non-existent father figure in my upbringing also contributed to my commitment issues.
 

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INTJ. I'm not phobic but I do avoid commitment. I don't consider it an issue that needs to be addressed, managed or fixed though.

I am happiest and most content with myself when I'm on my own or in casual relationships that don't infringe on my independence. When I'm in long-term relationships I feel like a caged bird - trapped, dull and miserable.

I see no reason to try and force myself to go against my nature.
^This.

Just because most people eventually end up in longterm committed relationships doesn't mean it's the right thing for everyone.

I am not afraid of commitment, I just don't want to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
INTJ. I'm not phobic but I do avoid commitment. I don't consider it an issue that needs to be addressed, managed or fixed though.

I am happiest and most content with myself when I'm on my own or in casual relationships that don't infringe on my independence. When I'm in long-term relationships I feel like a caged bird - trapped, dull and miserable.

I see no reason to try and force myself to go against my nature.
I totally identify with this too, especially when it comes to feling caged. Having the freedom to do my own thing is very important to me!
 

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One right here,
I find that with many of my past relationships,
That not matter how good or fun they are,
They seem to fizzle out,
And the thoughts of "Is this what I want for the rest of my life?",
Just seem to rush in!

I am definitely loyal and honest with my partners,
But I think I am both too young and too scarred by my past to want to feel like whoever I may date,
Might be my last,
This could also be due to general lack of experience!

I think I found "The One" but the chance got ruined when he moved away,
And maybe it's part of the reason I can't accept anyone else,
But life goes on and being single is such a natural and fun state for me to be in,
I mean of my "active" years sexually,
I've only been single 2 out of the 7 years,
Time to catch up ;)

I think I hate the idea of "merging" with a partner,
I want my independence,
And I want them to have their own.
 

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not really a "phobe", but if i feel as if the other person is trying to escalate the relationship, i do get worried. mainly because (and this could be projection, but) i wonder why what it is that is causing them to want to progress things.

i've never understood it when people try to "plan" out a relationship, or where it's going--planning is something that works great with things that are clearly defined and relatively static, but in something where two people are involved, the variables just mount and mount. plus (especially when young), people don't really know themselves well enough to know what it is that they want; it's like they confuse a fear with a desire.

relationships are something that grow in time, in layers--trying to forecast them can alter the nature of the relationship itself, and lead it down a road it never would have entered into in the first place. i'd rather just approach it naturally--make it clear that it's exclusive and that it's a wave each person will ride out until it becomes obvious that it's about to break. deal with problems when they come up, but don't try to fix a point in the future in order to secure oneself in the here and now (with work, or school, or anything else, the opposite is probably the best method, but again, the nature of those things is completely different than the nature of relationship).
 

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INTP 5w4

I am terrified of engulfment; which is why I only throw myself at other equally engulfment phobic commitmentphobes.

:p
 
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Has anybody here experienced, or is still experiencing commitment-related issues and fears? How did you/are you dealing with them, and what is your type?

I'm especially interested in hearing from any and all commitment-phobic Js, as I don't think avoiding commitment and being bound by obligations is the exclusive privilege of Perceivers :crazy:
Me, raises hand. I'm a guy.



Won't exactly call it phobia put.. em yes, why not.

I'm INTJ. To people in general who don't really know intjs, we are not afraid of commitment, we do commit and we do it often with all our heart. I know I do. Many times intjs seem as loners but anyone who has intimate relationship with a fellow INTJ can explain :)

I believe in love, commitment, I don't believe in marriage: such a temporary thing surrounded by meaningless rituals. I DO believe in commitment for life: a life partner, it's bigger than marriage. Most people think of wife as a smaller concept than LIFE partner. Difficult to explain? seems very simple and obvious to me. I used to believe a lot in blind love, take per example "What dreams may come". I have been there in times of rain, pain, cold, fear and hurt, also happy times of course. My ability and real life examples of commitment made of me someone people can rely on.

But... here comes the "but"...
I refuse to drown with the ship.

I can't tell you enough how many times commitment is used to demand that you stay when it's better to walk away. To run instead of tying yourself with your "loved one". I will love you till dead etc. But I won't stay if YOU mean death to me or unhealthy life, if you love me you wouldn't suppose to want to keep me unhappy on-purpose because you don't want to submit to rational stuff that goes in your favor. Tricky to explain right? nope. People run away from danger (to their relationship) but many fail to see the inner dangers, both of them and from their loved one.

The "BUT", been there, been there. And my heart turned into pieces when I HAD TO LEAVE even while still loving the person who tried to use the concept of "my love" to justify that I had to tolerate unhealthy behavior.

As a guy... I heard the "but you said you loved me" and trust me, many times that's pure BS, pure terrorism and a pure abuse of words. I could say a lot but it's dangerous, many will make their best effort to twist my words. I can only share by now one example, my almost wife cheated of me, I loved her with all my heart and soul and I decided to step back and walk away. Then she blamed me for not loving her, because if there was love I should be able of forgiving her.

Then when we broke up she said "you leave me when I need you the most".

You get the idea. It sucks, so I can tell you I LOVE YOU on sunday but if you sin on friday, don't expect to use those words against me on saturday.

I will not drown with a dead ship. But try to tell that to someone that keeps on holding your throat to stay a float.

:(
 

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INFJ here. Count me in as being commitment-phobic. It's the everyday kind of things that get me feeling incredibly taxed about entering into anything committed. Mind you, I've tried a good few times in being in serious (potentially-leading-up-to-marriage) relationships and I ended up imploding. I see it this way when I think of commitments especially in the romantic way: I'm not just committing to that person; I'm linking up with his job, family, friends, finances, vices, habits, hobbies, vice versa, ah gawd.

And sadly, I realize how most people don't seem to see eye-to-eye with me about having separate living quarters or houses while maintaining a committed relationship. You know, like you live there and I live here; we can have sleep overs some times but let's also spend enough time apart because I need and crave my alone time more than the average gal.

I'm not anti-commitment for the record. I, however, don't see the point in rushing into this kind of stuff unless it's truly right and best for me and the other party involved. Falling in love is fun, yes, but think about the time after that...it's pretty mundane, lackluster, and downright sad. How many people really are with the loves of their lives? Like when you look at your loved one even after forty, fifty years, you still feel the butterflies in your gut and know without a doubt, "Yep, I am still so crazy about you." Most people just end up settling and staying because it's comfortable and easy. My standards must be too high because I want to be able to look at the man I committed myself to way down the line and still feel like he's the most awesome man ever.
 

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Im a J. I am currently a commitment phobe but not in totality. Im putting myself through school and I just dont think Im ready. Im scared to ruin someones life. Mine or the other person by falling in love and making a huge mess. Im also afraid of experiencing that emotional devastation that I hear in my favorite songs. Its not for me at all. Im saving myself for "the one". I do believe this person exists but while Im waiting, I currently just play the field but am not looking for anything serious at all.
 

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And sadly, I realize how most people don't seem to see eye-to-eye with me about having separate living quarters or houses while maintaining a committed relationship. You know, like you live there and I live here; we can have sleep overs some times but let's also spend enough time apart because I need and crave my alone time more than the average gal.
Oh I hear you. That would be an ideal relationship for me!

I almost pulled it off with my last one - we made it 4 years without living together. Unfortunately, he wanted that to change and I didn't. And another one bites the dust...
 

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I'm very commitment-phobic. I can hold jobs and have done so for years. When it comes to personal commitments, I shy away. I'm very much someone who wishes to do what she wants to when she wants to do it, and tying myself down to anything restricts my freedom. I'm not necessarily commitment-phobic when it comes to dating. I am extremely commitment-phobic about marriage, though. My parents' marriage has lasted twenty years, but it's been pretty bitter along the way. Both parents have definite issues. Mom stays for the kids and because as Christians, divorce is considered a huge deal and only permissible for adultery. Nevermind that Dad's behavior could probably be considered mental abuse, deliberately done or not. I'm so scared of the "forever" attached to marriage that I have no wish to marry someone and get stuck with them. I choose not to date because I don't want a purely casual relationship (and risk developing too deep of feelings) yet have no wish to take things in a serious direction either, and I don't want to end up in a situation where the other party wants to get serious and I don't. Though ironically, I think I'd have less anxiety about getting involved with a woman at this point than with a man. /tangent
 
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ISTJ guy. I'm not sure if you would call this committment-phobic.

I have dated quite a few women and seem to have learned certain "signs" of what I consider to be bad behaviour, that to me do not make certain women worth committing to. When I talk with women, I find myself constantly searching for said signs. When I see these signs, even if the woman is otherwise suitable for me and interested in me, I refuse to become involved.

It confuses and often upsets them.

I believe that both sexes are entitled to their own tastes in men/women. I do not believe that it is appropriate for someone to get upset when I decide "no, not really for me" - and conversely I do have the maturity to respect their decision of "no, not really for me" with regards to myself.

Some of the reactions have been to the point where I don't really want to go out that much any more. Saddening.

While it's not particularly relevant, I suppose that I should give two examples:

A divorced woman whose son is going down the criminal path, who is already making her miserable. Even though I find her exceptionally attractive and she has some good points (she's very feminine and is an excellent dancer, better than I am myself) I do not want to invite someone who is going to be constantly made miserable by her son into my intimate life. Not for me.

A group of us (all single men and women) were chewing the fat about various things, and the subject of ages of dying came up. One woman said something along the lines of: "Most guys die before their wives. Finally you can get a rest from the bastards." You could smell the unthinking hate behind that statement. Not for me.
 

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ISTJ guy. I'm not sure if you would call this committment-phobic.

I have dated quite a few women and seem to have learned certain "signs" of what I consider to be bad behaviour, that to me do not make certain women worth committing to. When I talk with women, I find myself constantly searching for said signs. When I see these signs, even if the woman is otherwise suitable for me and interested in me, I refuse to become involved.

It confuses and often upsets them.

I believe that both sexes are entitled to their own tastes in men/women. I do not believe that it is appropriate for someone to get upset when I decide "no, not really for me" - and conversely I do have the maturity to respect their decision of "no, not really for me" with regards to myself.

Some of the reactions have been to the point where I don't really want to go out that much any more. Saddening.

While it's not particularly relevant, I suppose that I should give two examples:

A divorced woman whose son is going down the criminal path, who is already making her miserable. Even though I find her exceptionally attractive and she has some good points (she's very feminine and is an excellent dancer, better than I am myself) I do not want to invite someone who is going to be constantly made miserable by her son into my intimate life. Not for me.

A group of us (all single men and women) were chewing the fat about various things, and the subject of ages of dying came up. One woman said something along the lines of: "Most guys die before their wives. Finally you can get a rest from the bastards." You could smell the unthinking hate behind that statement. Not for me.
This does not strike me personally as commitment-phobic, just picky (I mean this in a non-derogatory fashion; I'm also incredibly picky about potential SOs). The implication seems to be that you're willing to commit so long as your "red flags" are not present.
 

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This does not strike me personally as commitment-phobic, just picky (I mean this in a non-derogatory fashion; I'm also incredibly picky about potential SOs). The implication seems to be that you're willing to commit so long as your "red flags" are not present.
Thanks, I wasn't sure - glad that's cleared up.

And yes, I take pride at being picky. It means that I have standards. :) Everyone should be picky.
 
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