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I’m an ESTJ and have always been into some BDSM, but as a sub only. Thinking about my personality type though, it doesn’t really seem fitting and I don’t know if it’s common for this to be a desire for us. If there are any other ESTJs who can relate, or other types who can make sense of it, why do you think it is so appealing to me?
 

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Hi there!

I'm not ESTJ but I'm your dual, an INFJ. I can explain my own perspective and maybe that'll help you clarify yours.

As INFJ I'm a natural people-pleaser so in a relationship I'm looking for someone who's "worthy" of my service so that I can shower them with attention. In the BDSM community people like me usually end up as bottoms to hard driving Masters but I have a complete aversion to being controlled, ambition enough for two lifetimes and absolutely no self-esteem issue so that's not a game for me. I'm more interested in super intense "vanilla" that borders depravity lol.

I'm an intuitive and a feeler so basically an altruistic idealist. What I look for in a partner is someone who's logical and pragmatic and capable of telling me what to do right now in the moment because I'm always in my mind and in the future. I need someone who can "ground me" without being domineering and making me feel like I'm an idiot for being zoned out. ESTJs are perfect for that because of their natural ability to be "bossy" without seeming undeserving of it nor looking like they have any hidden agendas when doing so. They just know what to do and they make it happen.

I don't see every challenge in life as something to be won immediately, I want to win but I'm far more calculating and I care less about little victories and more about total control. I'll let many little things "slide" as long as the long term goal is proceeding as planned. I'm an introvert Alpha so basically a Sigma. In this regard I usually intrigue ESTJs and they always want to know all about my views and strategies and immediately find ways to apply my concepts which I find fascinating and exciting.

Since being ESTJ gives you a "dominant" edge, at least professionally speaking, I would assume that your submissive side is a way to escape that state which is usually what happens to people who are natural leaders. There's a great sense of liberation that can hardly be described when letting out your vulnerable and kinky side and indulging in your fantasies. I can totally relate to that type of submission.
 

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Do you also know your enneagram type? I'm interested in researching a connection between dominant/submissive sexual tendencies and enneagram type.
 
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