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wondering if there are any esfj's out there that have had successful relationship with infp? anyone with out success?
 

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I have not had any experience in that field, sorry. I don't have any NF friends either. Might be a reason for that.

However, talking to INFP's online .. They scare me to death. There is a neediness in their approach which i don't like. They are also too sensitive. Now give me an ENFx and i am a happy bunny.

I personally like people who are honest, blunt and to the point.

*Awaits backlash*
 

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However, talking to INFP's online .. They scare me to death. There is a neediness in their approach which i don't like. They are also too sensitive. Now give me an ENFx and i am a happy bunny.

I personally like people who are honest, blunt and to the point.

*Awaits backlash*
I'll take the bait. :tongue: I am a lover/giver of blunt honesty so that just confuses me. I think I may be overly sensitive at times, but I'm less concerned about criticism of others (everyone can kiss my arse, really)...I beat myself up pretty nicely...no need for an outside source.

I was actually wondering about successful ESFJ/INFP relationships too. Since I've found myself attracted to quite a few ESFJ guys, but ultimately just sort of ran away. First, because they seem to be far too scared of rejection and it's really exhausting to get anything straightforward from them about their true feelings (ego stroking ftw!)...however, everything else is an open book. Second, they seem to rate their lives on the quantity of friendships (which generally are more like acquaintances) and ignoring quality...then insult your entire existence for not having as many numbers in your phone. LOL! Third, they are secretly too concerned with everyone's opinions of them and sometimes get caught up in keeping appearances...shallow moments. Last, sensitive to the MAX! Though they hide it pretty umm...nicely. Example: In a crowd they will take some playful teasing with a laugh, mope when they get home, and then just act generally pissy with you the next time they see you.

Why do I find myself attracted after all the negative? They are charming as hell, and probably the most loyal and understanding friends I've ever had. They seem to have a more ermm...practical? view of the world. They push me to actually get outside and enjoy life. They are simply entertaining...but what an effing roller coaster!

*Also, awaits backlash* bwahaha!
 

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Well obviously i can't speak for everyone (Don't you just hate saying that sometimes ;)) but i will always initiate contact with someone who has caught my eye and i am pretty direct about it. Yeah the sharing feelings bit for me rings true, but that is just because i worry about being vulnerable to others. I am so self reliant and strong but being hurt does not feel good, when i am ready to open up then i will.

Oh no, quality is always better than quantity. Yes, i have very few friends but a hell of a lot of acquaintances.

Sometimes people's opinion matter, but only those closest to me .. Everyone else can piss off.

I am very straightforward in that if you say something to offend me, i will back off, reflect and speak to you about it at some point. I need to see if there is any truth in it or just a perception. I have realised from experience that going off at the deep end does not benefit anyone. Lol.

Yes, we love smelling the roses ;)

Surprisingly, you haven't said anything to offend me .. So no backlash for you.
 

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''they seem to rate their lives on the quantity of friendships (which generally are more like acquaintances) and ignoring quality...then insult your entire existence for not having as many numbers in your phone.''

I know this was a generalization but I've never been accused of doing this nor have I caught myself doing this, well, yet at least. My Gf is borderline INTP/INFP, there were ups and downs, still are sometimes but I'm in this with her for the long haul. We complement each other very nicely. I find myself to be even more of a caretaker now although she's not one to be into ''taking care of her man'' to an extent and honestly I like it that way. I already have a mother (She rocks too! She's actually doing the MBTI test this evening, her and my stepdad, how cool is that?!) So as I say, my INTP/INFP Gf complement each other perfectly and that is done by staying who we are. Sorry for the rollercoaster ride though, I don't like that part of being an ESFJ, it gets on my nerves.

Thanks! :happy:
 

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Well obviously i can't speak for everyone (Don't you just hate saying that sometimes ;)) but i will always initiate contact with someone who has caught my eye and i am pretty direct about it. Yeah the sharing feelings bit for me rings true, but that is just because i worry about being vulnerable to others. I am so self reliant and strong but being hurt does not feel good, when i am ready to open up then i will.

Oh no, quality is always better than quantity. Yes, i have very few friends but a hell of a lot of acquaintances.

Sometimes people's opinion matter, but only those closest to me .. Everyone else can piss off.

I am very straightforward in that if you say something to offend me, i will back off, reflect and speak to you about it at some point. I need to see if there is any truth in it or just a perception. I have realised from experience that going off at the deep end does not benefit anyone. Lol.

Yes, we love smelling the roses ;)

Surprisingly, you haven't said anything to offend me .. So no backlash for you.
This is so exactly like me, especially the bold parts. Spot on! Great post.
 

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I'm wanting to know the answer to the question too, kinda into an ESFJ (I made her do the test) too.
The awesome part is she's kinda into me too, but we're kinda unsure about how things would go if we were... together.

@ saslou: Some INFPs may be too sensitive, but you could probably find overly sensitive people in other types as well (ISTJ's I know cant handle emotional stuff for peanuts :p ) If anything I'd say more developed INFPs can be particularly strong emotionally because any emotions they experience aren't new and they'll have their own way of coping with it. Not to sound arrogant or anything, but some of us are intensely strong in our own individualistic ways.

INFP's can be blunt and honest too, usually in jest or if serious they'll pad it out before they say it to lessen the impact (I guess making it less blunt >> )

Of course I may just be saying all this to try and justify a working relationship with the ESFJ I'm into. Though these are some general observations.

cool :)
 

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Hey Eagle ;)

Here is an idea for you to ponder, lol.

You dig each other, so you are over the first hurdle .. Congratulations. Now why not just go feet first into the relationship and take it as it comes without putting to much emphesis on type. Of course you'll run into problems at some point, but wherever there is a valley, you always come to the peak ..

Stop stressing and enjoy it for what it is.

All the best to you.
 

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I'm a very expressed INXP and my wife is a very expressed ESFJ. I've actually been lurking this forum for a few days seeking insight into our relationship because it's so tumultuos and I'm feeling pretty desperate. I found some great advice in another thread already, but I registered just to offer my experience with our relationship here.

Disclaimer: This is a pretty extreme example from unusual circumstances. It may or may not be very useful to anyone. To be honest, I'm kind of hunting for useful comments myself.

Me and my wife knew each other strictly through online chat from ages 13-17 (16-20 for her). I grew really attached to her, and up until that point she was the longest friendship I'd ever had. At that point, her life took a major downturn. She had been living oversees with a guy in a very serious relationship for about a year, when he suddenly packed her suitcase for her and sent her back to the states with nothing... not even an explanation. She has a really really shitty family who wouldn't do anything to help her. She relied on friends for a while for support, but that could only last so long. Finally, she ended up staying with a couple guys she'd met at a party who shortly began demanding "favors" for their generousity. It was already killing me to see her this way, but when she told me about this (and her plans to simply accept homelessness) I couldn't take it anymore. I convinced my parents to let her stay with us while she got back on her feet, and sent her a bus ticket.

Until that point, I'd lived a very isolated life. I wasn't at all accepted in school, had never lived near anyone I considered a friend, had never been in a relationship, and my parents had always been too busy to help me. I had 3 younger siblings, but I was too much older for them to do much with me. I was pretty socially stunted. I had a really close circle of friends online, and healthy relationship with my parents but that was the extent of my non-rejective social experience.

She hit my life like a freight train.

I thought I was just helping a friend, but I didn't make that clear to her and this was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her. She latched onto me like a vice, in the midst of an epic emotional breakdown. She had tons of unresolved trauma from childhood abuses (there are people from her past that I would have to tear apart with my bare hands if I ever met (and I'm a pacifist)) and emotional baggage from her recent breakup that all just exploded at me. She nightmares where she would get up and run around the house from invisible terrors or see me as some kind of monster, and I would have to restrain her just to keep her from hurting herself, breaking things, or doing something else that would cause my parents to kick her out. One night I held her as she relived a horrid experience from her childhood and described it to me as it was happening.

When she wasn't having some kind of breakdown, she was dominating my life. She demanded every available minute of my time. She destroyed the few friendships that I had. She wanted me all to herself. She would sleep all day while I was at school and keep me up all night. If I wasn't at school, she couldn't bear to be in a different room from me. She described it as physically painful when I was away. She walked all over me, because I was gushing with sympathy for her, had no social skills to deal with the situation competently, was terrified of losing my longest (and soon only) friendship, and I had no time whatsoever to think things through. I lived day to day in a sort of haze for the first couple years. It took that long to start gathering a functional perspective and getting enough of a foothold on my situation that I could do more than simply react moment to moment. Everything has been a slow climb from there.

Today, we've worked through all of her traumas, and she's become a fully functional human being. She's going back to school, and I think she could even do without me. In the meantime a lot has happened. Most importantly, we've had two kids and I'm a year out of college.

She definitely has positive qualities. She's extremely dependable. When she promises something, she will bend the laws of reality to make sure she lives up to that promise. When happy, she is a wonderful person to be around, and strangely enough she's even more of a blast to be around when she's a little stressed but taking it in stride (which she's getting better at with time). She has the most bizarre but effective social skills. I'll never understand it, but she can attack a complete stranger with insults and they'll respond with friendship. She's also very very good at taking care of worldly business. She's always working to provide for others and is generally very compassionate.

However, many problems persist as a combination of her personality type and upbringing. She's still an extreme control freak. If I let her, she will control what and how I do everything every minute of my life. If I disagree with her, I have to prepare for a very long fight, or simply a day or two of repercussions. If I disagree with her on something and won't give, her favorite thing to do is punish me with a chore. If she can't control in one way, she will do so in another.

She has an infinite hunger for praise and validation. I tell her I love her dozens of times a day, and she will still occassionally complain that I never tell her I love her. She complains that I never complement her or show appreciation, except I do every time I see an opportunity and she almost always finds some way to twist it into a negative.

Her pride is like something out of Greek mythology. She can never ever show fault to anyone but me, and she demands a lot of work of me to help her maintain her image. I do lots and lots of cleaning and helping her fulfill duties she should have never taken on. If she fails at something which damages the image she wants to maintain, she has a breakdown, often cutting off contact completely with everyone else involved for days to years, depending on the circumstances.

She will never admit to it, but she's actually very manipulative. She considers herself the most up front and honest person that ever lived, but her bullheaded facade usually hides her true motives.

She accuses me of being selfish when I try to explain to her my need for time alone. Giving up sleep is the only way I can get away.

Privacy is a completely alien concept to her and always will be.

While she's very compassionate and goes out of her way for people, she expects the same in return. If she does something for someone, she will go nuts if they don't recognize and provide for her needs as well, often without her feeling she even needs to ask. I also don't feel I get the same concern from her as friends & acquaintances do.

She doesn't handle disagreement with her judgement well at all, and will very rarely discuss things.

She complains that I should be more of a man and... basically dominate her. I don't see that working out, despite her claims. Attempts to be more assertive usually end in disaster.

Our kids are turning out very very resistant to her control and it drives her crazy. To keep the peace, I often need to do things I feel are unfair to the kids. Our firstborn, especially, is turning out to be exactly like her... and it's not going so well.

In short, if you are thinking about a relationship with an ESFJ, based on my experience, you have to be extremely patient, tough, and prepared to completely dedicate yourself to them.

I personally don't know how I've managed it. I'm soon to be 27 and finding I've done very little with my life other than tend to her, and will never have the time/freedom to develop a satisfying career or any control over my own life unless I break away somehow. Unfortunately, I understand my chances of custody over the children are very slim, and a divorce would be like abandoning them to her. For now, I'm reviewing the situation and living day to day until I can figure something out... and I'm terrified of being stuck in this state for the rest of my life.
 

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Ghrim .. Oh your story saddens me.

Why? Oh it has hit a nerve, not in a bad way but more of a shuddering 'I used to be like this' way. *Sigh*

People deal with trauma in different ways, the fact you have been a rock to her, shows testament to your own strength.

Your wife seems somewhat unhealthy to need constant validation and it can become a drain on yourself. I hope she finds what she needs to become a more rounded and healthy individual.

I wish you luck :wink:

Just a little quote for you -

I will help you to help yourself to recover but you are responsible - Everyone has a choice.
 

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wow. this is exactly how i feel in my relationship with an esfj. hmmm......how to break away? quickly, then run and never look back. but 2 children involved. might have to wait until they are done with school. or better yet, just get a good lawyer. don't let her know about it. prepare yourself ahead of time and then make your break. i should take my own advice....good luck
 

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I'm an INFP, married to an ESFJ. In the beginning, it was pretty amazing. He swept me off my feet and we had a strong sexual connection. But it quickly turned into a passionate love/hate relationship. One minute we couldn't take our hands off each other, the next we were passionately trying to destroy each other. We still got married, even though I had some major hesitation. I simply had a hard time picturing my life without him and was also pretty young (20). 6 years later, we've gone through hell and back, the relationship has settled, but now I think I want out. I'm in love with someone else (INTP friend of mine, I've known since before I met my husband) and he's become depressed for various reasons. Plus, all our fighting in the earlier years have killed a lot of things between us. I'm sure it would work for anyone else that isn't as socially retarded and as immature as we were when we got married though...
 

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ESFJ's seem like the best random hookup.... not relationship material. They seem very sexually attractive and I think we are both pretty good in bed. But other than that.... it's just so uncomfortable. I think I'd rather go for ENFJ's. At least they are sexually attractive AND relationship material.
 
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This doesn't answer your question but...

I'm INFP and my sister (and best friend) is ESFJ. Intellectually we are on two different planes - I am endlessly curious of the world and how it works, she is endlessly curious about people and how they interact. However, when it comes to our feelings and emotions, even when they aren't similar, we still understand each other on a deeper level. We have a strong heart-to-heart bond. When I talk to other people I'm constantly evaluating what I need to say, what the person wants to hear, what items need to be screened and censored - with my ESFJ sister, I can say pretty much everything on my mind. Even if she doesn't understand the concept I'm explaining, she understands me; if that makes sense. She's also the most nurturing, uplifting person I know. She can make anyone smile, and her effort is never forced. It is so graceful and natural. Even when I am *determined* to be in a bad mood, she can still playfully wiggle me out of it.

Our only differences are when I get in particularly introverted or brainy moods. :tongue: She'd rather focus on people, fun, the here-and-now, and grabbing the humor in each moment. I think I sometimes lose her when I want to spend four hours reading about an Indian Yogi or something.

We're like one person on the heart level, but two wildly different people in our heads.

It's a fun relationship. We teach other to appreciate different aspects of life. I'm not sure how romantic INFP/ESFJ works, but I hope this helped either way.
 

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Well i am now dating an INFP .. At first it was hard work, but now it seems to be settling down until i find a reason to get worried but his understanding is helping me become more secure (i've had several bad relationships). We talk when issues arise, talk about theories, watch documentaries and i love him dearly .. I like the fact he is open minded.
 

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ESFJ's seem like the best random hookup.... not relationship material. They seem very sexually attractive and I think we are both pretty good in bed. But other than that.... it's just so uncomfortable. I think I'd rather go for ENFJ's. At least they are sexually attractive AND relationship material.
Ehem. Just found my true MBTI type which is ESFJ. Sorry but I have never been a 'random hook-up', where do we come off as being a random hook up anyways.Just because YOU think that we're sexually attractive doesn't mean you get to degrade us, by calling us 'random hook-ups' simply because of what you feel in your pants. :p You may as well call us 'cum buckets/dumpsters'. Sorry my own personal morals won't allow me, myself to be a hook up, nor will I engage with a guy who enjoys random hook-ups. Most guys who feel that I am a hookup makes me ill and kind of scared. I'm not sure what crap experience you personally had with an ESFJ, do not define us with a humiliating, demeaning 'award of the year' as best hook up. A only being sexual objects not worthy of love or respect that human beings deserve, that's kind of disgusting.With that judging by the description(some different on other sites) of ESFJ:


  • Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
  • Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
  • Service-oriented, they want to please others
  • Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
  • Responsible and practical, they can be counted to take care of day-to-day necessities
  • Generally upbeat and popular, people are drawn towards them
  • Generally very good money managers
  • Traditionally minded and family-oriented, they will make family celebrations and traditions special events

That in itself is not a description of a hook up or sexual promiscuity. But we're all individuals most morals differentiate from each others. So in actuality we all can be considered the best 'hook up' but do not ignominiously think that the overall type is unworthy of love OR respect just because your personal experiences wasn't rosy. Since when has taking effort to fulfill duties or being traditionally minded or responsibly have not been a good foundation for a relationship. I'm not sure about your personal values, but DO NOT base a persons sexuality, relationship standards/values based off of four letters.
 

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Also. I have had pleasant experiences with most of the INFPs I have met. My best friend(more like a brother) is an INFP. But as far as romantically, I have not been remotely attracted to any that I have met. But I can't necessarily say that I am not attracted to them. Since attractiveness, compatibility and standards are based off of more factors than a MBTI type. With that each INFP that I am friends with are different from each other. So attraction and which type I 'prefer' is pretty subjective. :p
 
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