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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello! Posting this for my intj brother here... shhhh he doesn't know ;)
Urm....
So, Andy tests as an intj on all the tests that he's ever taken, and he's normally a shy, extremely introverted person that loves his own company more than anything in the world (the only person he talks to a lot is me and his absolute best friend tbh). So he's a very logical person, and he despises when girls are all like 'oh my godd that guy I'm so totally in loooooove' and he can always get over crushes easily and quickly, in a logical way.

Until he met her.
:D duh duh duh, I like suspense

So anyways: He started uni and met a female ENFP three years ago. They clicked instantly and he talks with her a lot, constantly laughing and stuff. So my brother finally got the balls to ask her out, and he's so smitten and helplessly in love it's as if he has changed personality, he's now much more talkative, wanting to spend 24/7 with this enfp, planning a future together inside his head, constantly doodling HEARTS on pages ._. I'm beginning to wonder if the shy introverted boy has ever existed... Also, Andy is a fan of the awkward pat hugs, you know the ones that some intjs give, freeze up and goes rigid and does that tyrannosaurus rex arm thing? But with this enfp he holds her so tight and it's a proper hug, bodies close and arms tightly wrapped all the way around. He constantly wants to hold her hand and CUDDLE. CUDDLE. this is the guy I grew up with that blushes at handshakes (not really, thats an exaggeration but anyways...) He's absolutely smitten with her. Also, Andy normally criticizes girls a lot, and underrates them normally, but now he constantly fanboys at how beautiful his girlfriend is... he's behaving in a really, really illogical way right now and it's scaring me. I'm normally the one who falls too hard and he's the cold one that tells me to stop... He will literally do anything to keep his enfp happy, he's also very, very overprotective of her, driving her home etc. He runs across roads and stuff holding this enfp's hand... without looking. He's also more spontaneous than normal, almost behaving like an isfp! D:

So after that ramble (sorry) I have 2 questions:
1) Is it possible that my brother was never an INTJ to start with, but locked his true emotions in and he's actually and INFJ/INFP/INTP or something?
2) Have you (as an INTJ) ever fallen this hard for someone? He's basically a lovesick puppy right now, behaving as if he can't live without her etc, he missed her so much when she went on holiday that he cried...
... Or have you witnessed an intj like this?

Maybe I'm just really inexperienced with INTJs and they all fall in love like this or something? He obsesses over her and he'd be a stalker if she wasn't his girlfriend...

Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, I know INTJs can feel deep intense feelings, but I've never witnessed it first hand, is it common? and please share other stories like this, an intj in love is so cute ^_^ and adorable when I tell my brother than he's in love and he tries to deny it with a blushing face.
 

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I have. :).

Let him ride that wave of emotions and stuff. Love is an illogical thing and with me it took falling in love to realize it. After the wave is over (if it gets over) the one great thing he will have hopefully learned is how love should be approached.

For me I don't try to "ground" people anymore. Or make them rationalize crap. I go on the trip with them and help point out obstacles. I don't stop them cause an obstacle may sometimes be a good thing for relationships. Its okay to live the paradox of being hyper rational living a totally unreasonable life.

Point is. He's still young in many ways too, and he's learning like you. He'll come out a better man for this. :)

My story was I met this bubbly girl and she just had my attention. We got to know each other more and more. The deeper we got to know each other the safer we felt and the world became an adventure. Id wake up in the middle of the night and pick her up and we would go on random drives hanging out in places like a golf course when all the lights are off and stuff. It was fun and I wouldn't replace that experience for the world. :)

We ended up breaking up. It hurt but it was necessary.

Yup.
 

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1) Is it possible that my brother was never an INTJ to start with, but locked his true emotions in and he's actually and INFJ/INFP/INTP or something?
I think it's pretty safe to say that your brother is an INTJ. It's very difficult to forcefully lock something for an extended amount of time (especially around his family where there is little interpersonal wall). Just because hadn't been showing affection does not mean that he was hiding his "true color;" it more likely means that his now has someone he truly loves and he's genuinely expressing his inner feelings.

- Previously: no one to really "love" -> no externally noticeable behavior
- Now: someone to love genuinely -> externally noticeable behavior

There is no change in his genuineness;
he just found someone to love dearly and to possibly spend the rest of his life with.


2) Have you (as an INTJ) ever fallen this hard for someone? He's basically a lovesick puppy right now, behaving as if he can't live without her etc, he missed her so much when she went on holiday that he cried...
... Or have you witnessed an intj like this?
Romantic relationship is not such a strong suit for INTJs; we usually focus our time elsewhere, mostly intellectual and/or practical pursuits. I can't speak for all INTJs, but less exposure to romance usually means that we approach romantic relationship with much caution and analyzing, but once we're past getting-to-know-stage and let someone "in one's heart," we're usually all-in and it will shift our future plans greatly.

People who are relationship-oriented are usually more experienced, and seldom understand what it means to truly give one's heart to another (because they inevitably "spread it thin"). Most INTJs feel that there are only few—if not one—people whom they can share the utmost intimacy, affection, and dedication. For INTJs, it's seldom a question of worthiness or merit of your partner (as some people approach romantic relationships with calculative motives subconsciously or not); it's a question of whether an INTJ has felt in his/her heart, genuine love and affection for this person.

And.. when one's heart is given to someone,
it indeed hurts much to be away from that person.
 

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Any stories of an INTJ falling helplessly in love?
It is so uncommon it would be a waste to discuss it
 

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It's not uncommon for people to act significantly different when caught up in the wave of romantic attraction. He's not the first and he won't be the last.

I would just say: Be ready to be there for him if the wave crashes and falls apart.

INTJ or no, when somebody's that high up, there's plenty of room to come falling down.
 

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2) Have you (as an INTJ) ever fallen this hard for someone? He's basically a lovesick puppy right now, behaving as if he can't live without her etc, he missed her so much when she went on holiday that he cried...
... Or have you witnessed an intj like this?
It is true that romantic relationships are far from being INTJs' area of expertise, as we often prefer to concentrate on matters we find more reliable/practical/rational, and we therefore act with extreme caution and analyze both our own feelings and the other person's in even greater depths in those situations than we usually do for anything else. I cannot speak for others, but knowing how overly controlling and careful I as an INTJ can be when it comes to irrational concepts, especially relationships and emotions, it isn't surprising to me that your brother would act this way when helplessly in love. I think we can get very obsessed over things that we have judged of interest, and we tend to abandon ourselves completely in it, even if it doesn't relate to the usual logical concepts we are used to. If your brother has deemed this female ENFP worthy of his affection beyond all his analytic and guarded thoughts and perceptions, he must think she really is special and he therefore doesn't feel the need to restrain himself as much.
 

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Hello! Posting this for my intj brother here... shhhh he doesn't know ;)
Urm....
So, Andy tests as an intj on all the tests that he's ever taken, and he's normally a shy, extremely introverted person that loves his own company more than anything in the world (the only person he talks to a lot is me and his absolute best friend tbh). So he's a very logical person, and he despises when girls are all like 'oh my godd that guy I'm so totally in loooooove' and he can always get over crushes easily and quickly, in a logical way.

Until he met her.
:D duh duh duh, I like suspense

So anyways: He started uni and met a female ENFP three years ago. They clicked instantly and he talks with her a lot, constantly laughing and stuff. So my brother finally got the balls to ask her out, and he's so smitten and helplessly in love it's as if he has changed personality, he's now much more talkative, wanting to spend 24/7 with this enfp, planning a future together inside his head, constantly doodling HEARTS on pages ._. I'm beginning to wonder if the shy introverted boy has ever existed... Also, Andy is a fan of the awkward pat hugs, you know the ones that some intjs give, freeze up and goes rigid and does that tyrannosaurus rex arm thing? But with this enfp he holds her so tight and it's a proper hug, bodies close and arms tightly wrapped all the way around. He constantly wants to hold her hand and CUDDLE. CUDDLE. this is the guy I grew up with that blushes at handshakes (not really, thats an exaggeration but anyways...) He's absolutely smitten with her. Also, Andy normally criticizes girls a lot, and underrates them normally, but now he constantly fanboys at how beautiful his girlfriend is... he's behaving in a really, really illogical way right now and it's scaring me. I'm normally the one who falls too hard and he's the cold one that tells me to stop... He will literally do anything to keep his enfp happy, he's also very, very overprotective of her, driving her home etc. He runs across roads and stuff holding this enfp's hand... without looking. He's also more spontaneous than normal, almost behaving like an isfp! D:

So after that ramble (sorry) I have 2 questions:
1) Is it possible that my brother was never an INTJ to start with, but locked his true emotions in and he's actually and INFJ/INFP/INTP or something?
2) Have you (as an INTJ) ever fallen this hard for someone? He's basically a lovesick puppy right now, behaving as if he can't live without her etc, he missed her so much when she went on holiday that he cried...
... Or have you witnessed an intj like this?

Maybe I'm just really inexperienced with INTJs and they all fall in love like this or something? He obsesses over her and he'd be a stalker if she wasn't his girlfriend...

Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, I know INTJs can feel deep intense feelings, but I've never witnessed it first hand, is it common? and please share other stories like this, an intj in love is so cute ^_^ and adorable when I tell my brother than he's in love and he tries to deny it with a blushing face.
1) Tests aren't the be all end all with typing. Further introspection is required to affirm said typing, primarily via cognitive functions.
2) Everyone experiences love/relationships differently based on their type/enneagram/life experiences/experience with love/romance/who the partner is. You can even see a lot of variety with INTJs on this forum with regards to this issue.
3) I think obsession is unhealthy regardless of type.
4) Aside from being worried about an unhealthy obsession, I'm not sure what you are actually looking for - are you just wanting to confirm his type?


It is so uncommon it would be a waste to discuss it

Whats with all the INFPs antagonizing our feels, lately? :frustrating:
 

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I think it's pretty safe to say that your brother is an INTJ. It's very difficult to forcefully lock something for an extended amount of time (especially around his family where there is little interpersonal wall). Just because hadn't been showing affection does not mean that he was hiding his "true color;" it more likely means that his now has someone he truly loves and he's genuinely expressing his inner feelings.

- Previously: no one to really "love" -> no externally noticeable behavior
- Now: someone to love genuinely -> externally noticeable behavior

There is no change in his genuineness;
he just found someone to love dearly and to possibly spend the rest of his life with.




Romantic relationship is not such a strong suit for INTJs; we usually focus our time elsewhere, mostly intellectual and/or practical pursuits. I can't speak for all INTJs, but less exposure to romance usually means that we approach romantic relationship with much caution and analyzing, but once we're past getting-to-know-stage and let someone "in one's heart," we're usually all-in and it will shift our future plans greatly.

People who are relationship-oriented are usually more experienced, and seldom understand what it means to truly give one's heart to another (because they inevitably "spread it thin"). Most INTJs feel that there are only few—if not one—people whom they can share the utmost intimacy, affection, and dedication. For INTJs, it's seldom a question of worthiness or merit of your partner (as some people approach romantic relationships with calculative motives subconsciously or not); it's a question of whether an INTJ has felt in his/her heart, genuine love and affection for this person.

And.. when one's heart is given to someone,
it indeed hurts much to be away from that person.
Romantic love is also much more magnetic for INTJs than other love. They have a tendency to go all in or all out, and usually with romance it's all in. I've got a couple INTJ friends who act like your brother pre-ENFP, but I also know an INTJ who's much older and he constantly raves about his wife. xNTJs in general have a tendency to, especially with first love, throw ourselves in. We can be very idealistic and romantic even if we try to hide it or don't realize it ourselves.

It will run its course. My INTJ best friend and I did a similar thing, just with friendship- when you finally meet someone you click with, the feeling is really powerful, and lots of INTJs go through life not really connecting with anybody. That's not to say he doesn't love you and your family, but it's probably harder for him to relate to you guys than to his ENFP. Think of it as though he's been swimming all his life. And now somebody's come to pull him out of the pool. He's going to get really excited realizing he can do tons of things with his feet and hands other than swim, and that there's a whole new world he's never seen before.

So yeah, he'll be fine. Emotions are really hit-or-miss for xNTJs, and if he's never fallen in love before, it's going to be even more powerful because he's not used to it and doesn't know how to handle it. He may even start lashing out because he can't control his feeling or feels vulnerable- it's all just part of growing up and learning how to handle his feelings.
 

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This might explain a guy I thought was an INTJ. I'm not really sure anymore, though... :)
 

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I think that the reason why he is behaving in such a way is that INTJs (in my opinion) rarely find someone they would care about and cherish, and when that happens they(or should i say "we") direct all the care they did not show to others, into that one person. That is why he is acting so protective. I was in a similar situation but that did not end well. If she breaks his heart it will maybe have a major impact on him. Just giving you a heads up.
 

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I think that the reason why he is behaving in such a way is that INTJs (in my opinion) rarely find someone they would care about and cherish, and when that happens they(or should i say "we") direct all the care they did not show to others, into that one person. That is why he is acting so protective. I was in a similar situation but that did not end well. If she breaks his heart it will maybe have a major impact on him. Just giving you a heads up.
Exactly this. Its like a dam you didn't know existed bursts open the first time. It takes a while to learn how to turn it into a controllable faucet.
 

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1) Is it possible that my brother was never an INTJ to start with, but locked his true emotions in and he's actually and INFJ/INFP/INTP or something?
No, if he has locked his emotions up, he is still very much an INTJ. Remember, INTJ's have Fi, so the capacity to feel deeply is there. Our problem is in expression. We don't typically flaunt our emotions, even if we feel them. However, NF's seem to have an ability to bring our emotional side out of us, as this girl has done. I think his obsessive love towards her is well within an INTJ's capability.

2) Have you (as an INTJ) ever fallen this hard for someone? He's basically a lovesick puppy right now, behaving as if he can't live without her etc, he missed her so much when she went on holiday that he cried...
I also believe this. The last time I was deeply in love, I remember crying at the prospect that girl seemed to like me (which she didn't, but that's a different story). I remember feeling great elation and hope that she was the one. I haven't felt anything like that again, though there have been other crushes since then. Whatever the case is, I believe your brother's experience is not unusual for an INTJ.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Hmm... he's elated and very happy and seems to be elated to be around her and care for her deeply, I just found it strange because he seemed to like her more than she likes him (in the since that he would do anything for her and expresses his feelings more than she does, by writing songs, mix tapes etc)... he also dreams about her a lot, even when they were just friends.....
And I just thought in the ENFP-INTJ pairing, the ENFP would be the one that's more expressive etc.
 

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Hmm... he's elated and very happy and seems to be elated to be around her and care for her deeply, I just found it strange because he seemed to like her more than she likes him (in the since that he would do anything for her and expresses his feelings more than she does, by writing songs, mix tapes etc)... he also dreams about her a lot, even when they were just friends.....
And I just thought in the ENFP-INTJ pairing, the ENFP would be the one that's more expressive etc.

Uh oh. Red flag. Lol

its funny how relationships can do that. Sometimes the calm collected one becomes an emotional roller coaster. Then the emotional one becomes calm and collected. All of a sudden an opposite expression is noticeable in an individual. I find the closest people to me have surprised me the most. ive learned to prepare for it. Especially when I've convinced myself that ive known them all of my life.

My brother for instance, he's a reckless home wrecker estp. He doesn't think for tomorrow, when predictable hostilities happen to him he somehow squirms out of every issue miraculously. He found a girl, INFJ and bam, he became the most reliable and greatest comrade a girl could have. I'm hesitant to say he's dad material, and it's him! The real him, he just found the right girl that gave him the safeness of being able to express it. The right girl that was able to nurture this insecurity of his and direct it and shape it like clay.

Sometimes it goes right sometimes it goes wrong. The consistency is the feeling of love and the unpredictability and unexpectedness of it all.
 

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I have. :).

Let him ride that wave of emotions and stuff. Love is an illogical thing and with me it took falling in love to realize it. After the wave is over (if it gets over) the one great thing he will have hopefully learned is how love should be approached.

For me I don't try to "ground" people anymore. Or make them rationalize crap. I go on the trip with them and help point out obstacles. I don't stop them cause an obstacle may sometimes be a good thing for relationships. Its okay to live the paradox of being hyper rational living a totally unreasonable life.

Point is. He's still young in many ways too, and he's learning like you. He'll come out a better man for this. :)

My story was I met this bubbly girl and she just had my attention. We got to know each other more and more. The deeper we got to know each other the safer we felt and the world became an adventure. Id wake up in the middle of the night and pick her up and we would go on random drives hanging out in places like a golf course when all the lights are off and stuff. It was fun and I wouldn't replace that experience for the world. :)

We ended up breaking up. It hurt but it was necessary.

Yup.
Strange, you just described my experience to a T. Literally thats how my first "love" went. After talking to her just once or twice, we were both just captivated with each other and would always go out on random midnight drives, go explore random places, go chill at golf courses, etc... And then it ended, and it hurt extremely bad, but I'm better because of it. I understand relationships a lot better now, and like you said you kinda just let it happen, and try to help others just be aware of the dangers, but also the possibilities.
 
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