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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, really nice to make everyone's acqaintance :)

I hope you guys can help with a problem I have :S I've been lurking around the forum for a little while since meeting an INFJ guy that I've developed strong feelings for and subsequently discovering that I am also INFJ. Things have kind of come to a head with him now and I've decided to come out of lurking and reach out for help with a problem that maybe only a fellow INFJ can. I'm not great at expressing my thoughts and feelings as they can be so darn convoluted - but here goes!

As an INFJ I have used the doorslam in the past as a very last resort when I felt I had to protect myself from a situation that I could see no resolution to and having now become familiar with MBTI I see that this is a fairly common coping mechanism for INFJs.

However, I've only ever used this when my boundaries and personal space have been repeatedly crossed and I've made multiple attempts to re-establish those boundaries without success.

As I said, I've recently had the pleasure of getting to know another INFJ (my first) and connecting with him has been an amazing experience. We've been getting to know each other for the last 9 months or so but there's been quite a lot of ambiguity as to whether this was a romantic connection or platonic one, me wanting it to be a romantic one but struggling to establish this with my fellow INFJ.

Anyway, this has eventually come to a head with me finally not being able to take the ambiguity any longer and me telling him in an email how I felt. I haven't received a reply and I suspect I've been the victim of his door slam.

I'm struggling with understanding what he's going through because I don't know how he feels. Is he in emotional overdrive having to process all this information? Does he only see me as a friend and doesn't want to face rejecting me? My questions: How do I proceed from this? Is this likely to be a full door slam or has he retreated to process? If it does turn out to be a full door slam that he can't come back from is there anything I can do to make him feel 'safe' enough to return to our friendship? I'm trying to put myself in his position so that I can think of a non invasive or pushy way of opening up communication again but I'm in a tail spin and can't think about this objectively...

Please help - Any input would be greatly appreciated!

There is a much more in depth post describing exactly what has gone on between us over the past 9 months or so, if anyone is interested in the specific details but I do warn you it is very long!

Unfortunately I can't yet post links but if you're interested in reading its my only other post so is easy to find through my profile page.

Thanks in advance :)

xx
 

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MOTM October 2013
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First, check to make sure he actually got the email. Sometimes computers go derp or people forget to check them. Ask him why he did what he did, as only he knows his reasons.

If after you've done that and clarified it is a doorslam...I'd say step back a bit and look at your own actions and feelings. Did you do something wrong, or was his doorslam unwarranted? (Or somewhere in between?) If you did do something wrong, is it worth it to you to fix it to get him back? (And it may not be, and that's okay.)

If his doorslam was unwarranted...resist the urge to try and change his opinion besides a one-time clearing of the air. I think more poking at a sore issue would be more likely to get him to dig his heels in further than achieve what you want.

Hope that helps..
 

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It's not you. Some nuts are just hard to crack.

Unrequited love sucks. It's very common.
I've certainly been there done that with a couple of shy boys I liked a long time ago.

My advice is to find someone who will love you back with the same intensity that you love them. New love is supposed to be sweet. It's hard when you're not sure how someone you like feels. Especially for a girl because you feel so powerless. It's a lot of heartache. Don't put yourself through it. If you've already declared your feelings & he hasn't reciprocated - c'est la vie.

Now unfortunately some guys will start to pursue you well after you've given up & they realize they're losing you (those weenies). It's a good idea to decide in advance how to handle that situation. If you want to move on. Or if you want to entertain a relationship knowing full well this is going to be one of those hot & cold kelly clarkson song kind of relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thanks for your comments both. @lemondropG, I really appreciate your feedback and know it was coming from a good place. But the problem isn't whether or not he's into me, I can handle him only wanting to be a friend to me. What I'm concerned about is how to save our friendship. He really hasn't done anything wrong. He's a slow burner (as am I) and hasn't made me any promises. And he made it clear to me a while back that he needs time to get to know someone before he can be sure he wants to be with them in that way. The problem is that I've decided I definitely want to pursue more than friendship (if he's willing) and have laid that on the line now. Whether he only wants to be friends or if he hasn't decided yet where he sees things going with me he has now been put on the spot and my concern is rather than facing up to rejecting me (if he has decided he is only interested in being friends) he will withdraw and not be able to come back and be my friend.

As for finding someone that can love me intensely, of course I want that. But I want to be loved for being trully known. If my INFJ did decide he wanted what I wanted it would mean all the more to me because I'd know it wasn't a flippant decision based on lust and infatuation but on a deep knowing of each other developed through being real friends. To me that is beautiful. Unfortunately, that type of love takes time to develop (especially when INFJs are involved) and there's no gaurantee that at the end both parties will want the same thing... which as I said I can accept. I only hope the friendship we've developed can survive it :(
 

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I'm sure it will.

As a girl code kind of sisterhood type of thing I'm still going to say"Shame on him. His loss, what a weenie" if he doesn't email you back soon. Because I know how it is. You can handle only being friends with him, but between us girls it hurts like hell when you put your feelings out there and... nothing. But there is something romantic about inner conflict over the seriousness of love and coming to terms with feelings. Love can be a slow progression. Maybe he hasn't responded because he's putting his thoughts together & writing you a love letter :). No? Too much? You never know. One can hope. There are still guys out there who do that sort of thing.

I'll say this... once I made the mistake of withdrawing my declaration of feelings. I passed a boy a "you're really smart & I have feelings for you" kind of note, he read it and put it in his backpack then didn't make eye contact the rest of the day. He avoided me in the hallway too. So I went home that night and wrote him another one that apologized for my first note and told him I didn't love him, just liked him as a friend. He went home that night and wrote a letter telling me that I was also smart & he had feelings for me as well. I put his note in his locker that morning. He put my note in my desk before class. It sounds like kids stuff. But I learned a valuable lesson about boys. They don't like wishy washiness.

Nobody hates to hear that someone they like is into them. But you're right, some people just take longer to come around and open up. And if you have a particular sympathy to that - I think this could be a really interesting story & you two could work out just fine together as your knowlege about eachother deepens... erhum... as friends. It sounds like your heart is in the right place.

Best of luck :)
 
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