This should be a psychologist's field day. Thanks for reading. Background first:
I had to drop out of college this year for financial aid purposes, and I desperately need to find a full-time job if I want to go back (which I do). At the same time, living with my parents is once again driving me completely insane, and I am really tempted to find a little apartment to rent and move out on my own - the trouble being that if I did so, there's a chance I won't be able to save enough to return to college. It's come to a question of which makes me feel less like a loser - living with my parents at this age, or being a drop-out. I have always had a very clear idea of where I was going with my life, even if I knew it was subject to change. Now for the first time ever, I have no idea.
Sometimes, when I feel directionless or unmotivated (which is 24/7 since I learned I wasn't going back to school), I picture the ideal future me. Competent, authoritative, respectable, and diligent, I can't get her out of the black cape I accidentally put her in when I was a little kid. Everytime I picture my "BA" ideal self, I am wearing a black cape. Now to the dream:
I was in college again; a meek, new transfer student. I was using my backpack from high school and the class room looked more like high school than college, but it was definitely college. There were only a few other students, and when we were ready to start, who was teaching the class but a competent, authoritative, respectable, diligent woman in a black cape? (I didn't recognize her in my dream as my future self. I woke up with the feeling that she was someone I knew in real life, but I couldn't figure out who... when I realized, I literally smacked my forehead).
Anyway she was hard nosed and kinda mean, but I respected her, even liked her. Before saying anything else, she took a bright green board marker (bright green is a color I once referred to as my "motivation" - it makes me feel energetic and active), and scribbled down an extremely long string of numbers and told us to copy it down. When I googled it in my dream, it came up with a listing for a house for rent. I went to check out the house, but it was sitting on a road that looked like a place near somewhere I once lived, where I had very few friends. I turn around and drove back.
After this, I was that same professor's "teacher's aide" for three classes more. In every class, she had me copy an extremely long string of numbers onto the board, each one different for each class. I'm not sure why, but the last one stood out. It started with 3.2463535... and went on and on.
Then I woke up. As soon as I realized what I had just dreamed - being in a college class taught by my symbol of life direction - I knew I wanted and outsider's insights. Anything?
I had to drop out of college this year for financial aid purposes, and I desperately need to find a full-time job if I want to go back (which I do). At the same time, living with my parents is once again driving me completely insane, and I am really tempted to find a little apartment to rent and move out on my own - the trouble being that if I did so, there's a chance I won't be able to save enough to return to college. It's come to a question of which makes me feel less like a loser - living with my parents at this age, or being a drop-out. I have always had a very clear idea of where I was going with my life, even if I knew it was subject to change. Now for the first time ever, I have no idea.
Sometimes, when I feel directionless or unmotivated (which is 24/7 since I learned I wasn't going back to school), I picture the ideal future me. Competent, authoritative, respectable, and diligent, I can't get her out of the black cape I accidentally put her in when I was a little kid. Everytime I picture my "BA" ideal self, I am wearing a black cape. Now to the dream:
I was in college again; a meek, new transfer student. I was using my backpack from high school and the class room looked more like high school than college, but it was definitely college. There were only a few other students, and when we were ready to start, who was teaching the class but a competent, authoritative, respectable, diligent woman in a black cape? (I didn't recognize her in my dream as my future self. I woke up with the feeling that she was someone I knew in real life, but I couldn't figure out who... when I realized, I literally smacked my forehead).
Anyway she was hard nosed and kinda mean, but I respected her, even liked her. Before saying anything else, she took a bright green board marker (bright green is a color I once referred to as my "motivation" - it makes me feel energetic and active), and scribbled down an extremely long string of numbers and told us to copy it down. When I googled it in my dream, it came up with a listing for a house for rent. I went to check out the house, but it was sitting on a road that looked like a place near somewhere I once lived, where I had very few friends. I turn around and drove back.
After this, I was that same professor's "teacher's aide" for three classes more. In every class, she had me copy an extremely long string of numbers onto the board, each one different for each class. I'm not sure why, but the last one stood out. It started with 3.2463535... and went on and on.
Then I woke up. As soon as I realized what I had just dreamed - being in a college class taught by my symbol of life direction - I knew I wanted and outsider's insights. Anything?