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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello all,

I've been noticing somewhat of a pattern with how people generally relate to me.

In the most general form, here are two qualities of the said pattern (in my presence):

1) They present themselves in their best behavior

2) They present themselves as confident and knowledgeable

With respect to 1), I noticed on numerous occasions how some people are known by certain negative labels (for example, someone is known to be rude, or slutty, or whatnot) as others have told me about such people. However, when I interact with the said people, I never experience any of those labels; I feel like they are behaving themselves when they are around me.

Of course, I can smell through the fakeness of the whole thing, but what baffles me is how come people won't act their natural selves around me? Am I (as an ENTJ) doing something/ giving some sort of vibe/ exuding some aura to compel people to act a certain way?

2) is related to 1). What I noticed is that around me, some people act as if "they know what they're doing" and "they have a cohesive plan" and what not. But when talking to others, they complain and worry and are not afraid to be vulnerable. Is it related to being an ENTJ? Do you think they feel they either a) need to keep up with us because we have it going well (In my case, I'm very driven, ambitious, have a lot of successes in my belt, and have more potential to gain more successes) or b) think that we are going to exploit their weaknesses like a shark smells blood? I want to know the truth so I can actually help out if I could.

One example I can share about this is someone I know from college. He was raving about his major that it's great and it's gonna lead to jobs. I was discussing his future with him, like job security, job applications, etc. and he seemed to give the impression that "he's got this" and he is not worried about getting a job and whatnot. So that made me feel great since I know he's going to be OK. But then, with another group of people, he started downplaying himself and criticized his major heavily because it's not that great. He also didn't express the good job prospects that comes with the major. So is he being "real" with me or with the other group? I am upset by the inconsistency in his position. This also bothered me because it is reminiscent to what I have experienced in the past with many people. I do not like how I am missing some critical information.

What do you think?

EDIT: I think the catchall term here is "impress." I feel like a lot of people try to impress me. Do you have a similar experience?
 

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Hmmmm I do that with different people. Sometimes I act like I know what I am doing and sometimes I act like I don't know what the heck I will be doing if that makes sense. It depends, some individuals or groups have this kind of manipulative vibe to them that makes people either more secure or more insecure. Some friends whenever I say for example an idea, they will make fun of it or tell me how unrealistic it is so I will start compromising for them to the point I will lose my idea and just sit there. I hope thats what you meant. I think they are not being real with both of you. Maybe they are more secure to your side and feel insecure to the group. But I think they are not more secure to you than they are more insecure to the group. I hope that makes sense. Just my opinion :) no facts here
 
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The first seems like hearsay. If someone has a (negative?) reputation but doesn't live up to it around you, that could just as easily mean that the rumor mill is wrong instead of them being inauthentic.

No comment on the second. It's entirely possible that people are trying to give the impression that they are in control around you- especially if you give off similar vibes. I can't imagine many people reacting too much differently to finding themselves in a position of perceived inferiority...

Some people just naturally adapt to who they're around though. Probably a lot of Fe-dom or auxes in your life If this is disturbingly common for you.
 
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I seem to find difficult people are different around me. People who create drama, they make other peoples lives difficult, just plain awkward. I seem to be able to handle them, I do not get flustered, they never act like they do with me like they do with others. I think what they try to do is embarrass others in some way as a tactic, but it doesn't work for me. It may be because I can shoot them down, and I'm not afraid to do it in front of others. To a point of belittling them. I end up embarrassing them instead, I can usually play their game better , which many such as all feeling types will never do. If conflict does happen, then good, I love dealing with conflict.
 

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I experience this as well, but aren't sure as to why. If I had it a guess....

1) Either the rumor mill was wrong, or they don't want called on their crap?
2) Perhaps they are afraid that if they don't present themselves in such a confident/knowledgeable manner with me, I will steamroll them or laugh at them for being dumb?

I don't know. Cerenach might possibly be right, though. Most of the time, whenever people are acting weird/illogical/inconsistent/inappropriate from my perspective, heavy Fe is somehow involved.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@Elistra @cerenach

Funny how you guys pointed out Fe. The person I have in mind is and Fe dom. Maybe it's a mirroring thing? It upsets me how I can't really pinpoint the person's identity. I don't like it when people aren't "themselves"
 

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@Elistra @cerenach

Funny how you guys pointed out Fe. The person I have in mind is and Fe dom. Maybe it's a mirroring thing? It upsets me how I can't really pinpoint the person's identity. I don't like it when people aren't "themselves"
I've actually asked suspected Fe-doms about this in the past. I also found it a little odd and was just tactless enough to blurt it out.

They said it's not really deliberate on their part. They're just used to reading and adapting to the people around them. That means projecting confidence and certainty around those whom they think value it and being a good commiserater when the occasion calls. I don't think they see it as being fake. More like...receptive? Accommodating? Polite? I dunno, my relationship with Fe isn't that great. I'm probably not the ambassador it needs.

So yeah, just chock it up to great Fe/Fi divide for now.
 
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As a hardcore Fe INFJ, I am happy to tell you what's up.

You are getting superficial behaviours and conversations.

If you really want the truth, you're gonna have to develop more of a friendship with these people. I have recently developed a friendship with an ENTJ so I can see how this can happen. suggestions:

1) Sit down and talk to people. I know y'all are super busy but if building genuine relationships is important to you, you can't rush this!

2) Share some vulnerable things about yourself. This gives other people permission to be authentic in return.

3) Be reassuring when someone shares stuff with you. This builds trust.

These people don't feel safe exposing weakness in front of you (yet). If you will occasionally but consistently express interest in people, you will break through their superficial shell and see what's really going on inside.

Hope this helps!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
@Gypsysoul Thanks for your input! And welcome to PerC! I feel special that your first post is in my thread!

However, I'd like to add a few confounding variables:

1) I've known this one Fe dom for about 2 months (roommate) and he has expressed is vulnerability to me. We exchange ideas and have long, deep conversations. He has asked my opinion on his life decisions and I have generously offered advice. On the other hand though, I have not been comfortable expressing my vulnerability. I have never been comfortable. The only person I expressed vulnerability, I have known for 7 years! It took me that long to feel comfortable.

2) I am generally interested in most people. I tend to have deep, personal conversations with most people, and I am an excellent listener. They tell me their "deep thoughts" and whatnot. Some people are consistent whereas others are not (as I have said above). What could I be doing wrong or is there a quality with me that causes them to act that way?

3) I have never communicated malicious intent with people, nor did I ever have a track record of taking advantage of their weaknesses. People know that I am helpful and a resource.

Feel free to add more insight! I would appreciate it!
 

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Thanks for the welcome Eosin!

I felt compelled to respond because the ENTJ I have met has had a very special influence in my life so I'm kind of drawn to your type now.

It sounds like you've built rapport and all of that so now my gut says this:
They feel threatened by you and your amazing success.

I'll break it down.

Wow, this guy really has his life together (which I understand might not be 100% accurate but we don't see ENTJ vulnerability). I don't want him to see my self-doubt/ insecurity/ failure/ character flaw/ fill-in-the-blank weakness. I'll just keep it hidden so he won't judge me for it.

You're probably the boss or wield some power and influence and people really care what you think of them.

You guys achieve so much with so much ease! I read that your type doesn't experience as much work-related stress as other types. You definitely have a gift in terms of career success. I'm thinking nobody wants to compete with that because they would lose. Haha
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks for the welcome Eosin!

I felt compelled to respond because the ENTJ I have met has had a very special influence in my life so I'm kind of drawn to your type now.

It sounds like you've built rapport and all of that so now my gut says this:
They feel threatened by you and your amazing success.

I'll break it down.

Wow, this guy really has his life together (which I understand might not be 100% accurate but we don't see ENTJ vulnerability). I don't want him to see my self-doubt/ insecurity/ failure/ character flaw/ fill-in-the-blank weakness. I'll just keep it hidden so he won't judge me for it.

You're probably the boss or wield some power and influence and people really care what you think of them.

You guys achieve so much with so much ease! I read that your type doesn't experience as much work-related stress as other types. You definitely have a gift in terms of career success. I'm thinking nobody wants to compete with that because they would lose. Haha
@Gypsysoul This makes a lot of sense! Thanks for breaking it down to me. And you were pretty accurate. For someone still in college, I make quite a bit of money, and tend to not struggle with most things. It also helps that I tend to be very calm and mostly unaffected my curveballs. And you are right in that we tend to not experience work-related stress; work is kind of like play for us!

On another note, I just hope that people don't feel threatened by me; I am at my point in life where I want to make more connections. It's like, I know career-wise it's getting there (and I am confident it eventually will be where I want it to be) but I also want to establish deeper relationships with others. One thing I acknowledge that I cannot change is that although I try my best to be very nonjudgmental (when I converse and listen, I withhold judgment and I ask more questions to see their perspective and to come to understand them), people will still perceive me in the way they have set themselves up to perceive me. In the last few months I have vehemently tried to soften my demeanor so that people will not feel threatened, and yet I still intimidate people. It definitely takes a certain personality to be able to deal with us.

One thing I have realized is that although we are rather successful and we end up being on top, it still tends to get rather lonely since it's difficult to find friends who can see past our successes and just treat us normally. It also gets lonely if you have nobody to celebrate it with.

Thanks for your detailed response! If you have any advice for me, I would appreciate it! And I am glad that you've had a positive experience with an ENTJ! I feel that we kind of have a bad reputation being sharks! Although some of this may be true, we can be very supportive and very loyal and a very powerful ally as well!
 

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Hi Eosin,
You are so fortunate to experience work as play. I'm so envious!

Are you aware that many people are very attracted to your type? If you were to say "I would really like it if we could hang out outside of school/ work" I'm sure you would find most people willing/ receptive.

Now maybe I could ask you for advice as well? I'm not really sure how to navigate this relationship with this ENTJ because we are both married but I sense a mutual attraction. We have both kind of avoided each other at times because of the awkwardness of the situation and out mutual respect for our marriages.

Is it possible to have some kind of friendship under these circumstances or should I try to avoid him? I feel very uncomfortable in his presence because I am not in control of my inappropriate feelings but yet he seems to encourage this. I hope I am not being used as an ego boost! I am loyal and genuine and I wonder if he knows that this dynamic is hurtful. Ugh. Feelings suck sometimes!
 

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@Gypsysoul is the ambassador Fe needed. *nods sagely*
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
@Gypsysoul It seems like your private messages inbox is full and it is not allowing me to send you a response. Let me know if it's been fixed or if there is an alternate means that you prefer to keep in correspondence.
 
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