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Discussion Starter #1
How do you handle infjs and their disappearing act? When they're needing alone time but since they (or the infj I know) don't exactly say what's going on, how do you take it? Esp if there's some romantic feelings involved, from the receiving end, how did you talk to them about it?

Infjs, what is the best way to be approached about it?
 

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It's never been all that difficult for me. We don't share any functions, but they're my favorite type and I have been able to understand the way they think with practice.

If they need alone time, I just give it to them, though it can be difficult if they are trying to make me read their minds. I do feel hurt if they disappear and give me the cold shoulder without a word though. I like to know what's going on but I am ok with hearing that they just need time alone and can't talk about it now.
 

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How do you handle infjs and their disappearing act? When they're needing alone time but since they (or the infj I know) don't exactly say what's going on, how do you take it? Esp if there's some romantic feelings involved, from the receiving end, how did you talk to them about it?

Infjs, what is the best way to be approached about it?
I'm not going to pretend to know the details of the situation, but I've disappeared a number of times and I'm practically the relationship counselor in my friend groups so I'll see if I can present a helpful theory.

I'm not sure which person has the romantic feelings (or rather who is on the "receiving end") but ether way this could be a cause that you should consider. If they don't feel ready for a relationship but have feels then that could be reason to withdraw, or if you have feels and they don't reciprocate... well... that's plenty reason to withdraw. Of course there are a lot of other things that could be happening, but the point is that lovie dovey feels are complicated.

Other than that I don't think there is a reason that sounds complicated enough to be satisfying. Perhaps they just need time alone, maybe they have a problem that they feel they can solve on their own, or could it even be that they just don't feel like talking? There really is no shortage of reasons.

But it seems that I forgot what your first question was. How to deal with it? Don't. Just let em be. Of course, let them know that you love talking with them and would help them with whatever in a heart beat, but after that leave it to them. Trying to force yourself into their life won't go anywhere. They have to chose to let you in. Otherwise it is just one sided (and generally INFJs hate one sided).
 

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I had a good INFJ friend. Eventually she "ghosted me" and I still don't really know why. Honestly though, I don't really mind that, she probably had her reasons. I was curious for a while, but meh. The interesting thing here is that from the beginning of our friendship, she said she could disappear for weeks, months or years, without telling beforehand. That is how she said she was. So, I can't really say she didn't warn me.
 

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The INFJ standard model comes equipped with one of the most power hungry processors, and unfortunately, one of the smallest battery packs. This means that your INFJ will overheat and run out of juice quicker than the other models. When this happens, the unit will go into “processing, please stand by” mode, and will appear unresponsive. The only way to remedy this situation is to plug the unit into a recharger and leave it alone for a while..

All people have a “do not cross” line that takes us from energetic to exhausted. INFJ’s are typically incapable of seeing that line until we’ve crossed so far over, we don’t even know where we are anymore. We simply aren’t very good at taking care of ourselves. We get so focused on whatever (or whoever) we’re into, that we typically don’t realize how far we’ve overstepped until our brain goes into meltdown mode and starts screaming “run away!!”.

When we enter “emergency backup power mode”, even the smallest of emotions can be too much. Basic interactions with humanity can be too intense. So while we desperately want to tell you what’s happening, and that it’s got nothing to do with you, we are often incapable of such actions. We are aware of the problem, and that often makes it worse. We really can be our own worst enemy at times.

Please understand, that in most cases, we are not playing games, we are not being deliberately “hard to get”, and we are not upset with you. We are simply exhausted to the point where human interaction, even through text, is too much.

And, like @Jeffrei said, if there are romantic feelings involved on either side, that can sometimes make things even worse. Cause we feel SO intensely..


Basically, it all comes down to the conditions of the relationship. I have a friend who suddenly declared that he would no longer talk on the phone. If I wanted to get in touch, I had to send either text or email. And it wasn’t just me, he simply doesn’t talk on the phone with anyone. At first I was a little shocked, but then I realized that if I wanted to continue the friendship, I had to accept that as a Term of the relationship. I did, and 20 years later we are still best friends.
My point is, if you want a relationship with an INFJ, you might have to accept this “quirk” as part of it. Know that sometimes you won’t hear from the person for a while, and that’s ok, it’s just part of who they are. Don’t expect your relationship to be completely “normal”, cause INFJ is just short for “weirdness ensues”.
And understand, the only reason we’re not talking to you now, is because we spent all our energy talking to (and thinking about) you earlier. Cause we like you that much. Or we spent it thinking about the emotional life of clams. Could be either or... :biggrin:
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Even with romantic interests, infjs still withdrawal with no explanation?

So when infjs go into silent mode, are we suppose to not reach out at all? Like wait til they reach out? How do infjs feel when someone still continues to contact them during this moment of silence?
 

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Unfortunately, this behavior tends to get worse when dealing with romantic interests.

I’ll try to explain further, but first, a little clarification if you please; are you the one having romantic interest towards the INFJ, or is it the other way around? Or is it mutual?

As for what to do, it depends on how long the silent mode has been going on for. If it’s a couple of days, probably best to leave them in peace and wait for them to contact you. If it’s been weeks, you might consider gently reaching out.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Unfortunately, this behavior tends to get worse when dealing with romantic interests.

I’ll try to explain further, but first, a little clarification if you please; are you the one having romantic interest towards the INFJ, or is it the other way around? Or is it mutual?

As for what to do, it depends on how long the silent mode has been going on for. If it’s a couple of days, probably best to leave them in peace and wait for them to contact you. If it’s been weeks, you might consider gently reaching out.
I am interested in the infj and I wanna say he is too. But I'm not quite 100% sure. It goes for a few days and sometimes I'd text and he'd reply or sometimes he would initiate.

I'm just curious how infjs want us to respond. There are times when I want to let him know something (that might've happened during the day or a thought that I want to share) but I don't know if I should or not. I don't want him to feel obligated to respond if he doesn't want to. Like I didn't want to bother him during his alone time, so I don't text him as much as I usually would. But one time I told him something in person and he asked why I didn't tell him when it happened (roughly). It caught me off guard because I didn't realize he wanted to know (since he didn't ask and he wasn't communicating regularly, by his choice, like we previously did).
 

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I'm not a self-typed INFJ, I was typed as one by some insightful members here (particularly by reckful), and by classical dichotomy tests. So whether I truly am an INFJ or not, hard to say for sure, but here's my opinion anyway:

If he's a guy then he should have some balls. Stop treating him like a terminal clinic patient and just come clean, ask honest questions, and do it whenever it is necessary to do so. Never leave out any details, because an INFJ might become his own worst nightmare whenever he's forced to "fill-in-the-blanks" of any situation or conversation by his lonely self. Even if he possesses powerful enough faculties to fill those blanks correctly, he is still likely to overthink and drown in stress in the process. Don't violate his personal space too much, but also never leave him in isolation. Plus, as I understand xNxJs should be inpired by behaviors that express "social power", in which case they should find extra appeal in a confident and powerful mate, as opposed to a shy wishy-washy one.

There are times when I want to let him know something (that might've happened during the day or a thought that I want to share) but I don't know if I should or not.
In my understanding, all Fe-oriented people would prefer to feel "involved" and "accepted", as they seek group harmony. And one important way of making that "involvement" felt is by keeping them informed of all matters, no matter how trivial they may be. They might be bad at dealing with the information they receive, on an emotional level (which may be a sign of unhealthiness, insecurity or immaturity), but generally if they instinctually rely on external opinion/input to navigate through life, then they should be ultimately thristy for all kinds of information that flows through any group or relationship. I for example tend to feel extremely offended if people close to me, or my groupies, withhold information from me. I never ask them to give it to me, but I always by default expect that information to be presented to me, no matter in what form.

I do tend to have a super bad habit of "ghosting" people. I honestly wish I did it less often, because it causes a lot of problems. Most of the time I don't do this out of ill intent. The only time I would indeed do it out of ill intent is if I would have permanently decided that the person whom I'm dealing with is my loathsome enemy. But becoming my enemy is very difficult, since I tend to give people a lot (a lot!) of chances before putting them on my "bad list".

Most of the time the cause of my "ghosting" tendencies is:
- when I feel overwhelmed by the person's company (let's say he's way too extraverted, way too outgoing, way too risk taking, way too scattered, way too shameless)
- when I feel overwhelmed by the world at large and need to search for a "pillar of stability" inside me, usually it involves a lot of solitary philosophical thought and inner emotional journeys
- when I have a personal problem I need to solve, and need to focus all my mental and emotional energy on it (thus avoid being distracted), might drag on for days, weeks, sometimes months
- when I suddenly became inspired by a cool new idea (writing a story, creating a game, trying to invent a new religion) and invest all of my being into that specific task (thus avoid being distracted), might likewise drag on for days, weeks, sometimes months.

But in none of the above cases do I ever dislike being disturbed by others, if their reasons for disturbing me are justifiable.
All high-Fe's should be very considerate of other people's needs and thoughts. So if someone tries to pull me out of my (very comfortable) state of self-isolation, I will primarily be interested in knowing why they did it, and if there is something I could do to properly respond to their needs. If we are the type of creature who constantly feels obligated to help others before helping himself, then that kind of creature shouldn't be offended by others seeking his company or advice, because his feeling of self-fulfilment depends on how helpful he can be to others.

If I would have to envision a perfect mate or friend for myself, it would be someone who is confident, says exactly what she/he wants to say, keeps it brief while not leaving out any details, doesn't play mind-games, acts as an inspiring and dependable figure, has good manners, respects personal space, sees and understands everything about you, but asks directly whenever is uncertain or is unable to understand.

Take my post with 2 balls of salt. But that's just how I see things.
 

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Wow, I had the same exact experience with my INFJ friend. She one day just told me she needed "me time" and disappeared for a while. I guess me being not an INFJ didn't understand that, and I quietly just disappeared too, but with sort of hurt feelings. Reading these responses from actual INFJs does put my mind at ease that it wasn't anything I did, but my INFJ friend just needed time to recharge and then re-enter the world again. Fascinating how it's such an INFJ "thing".
 

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This isn't an INFJ thing, go ask the INTPs about "ghosting" lol.

I'm an INFJ according to the official test + professional video typists + I just magically know I am even though I'd rather be anything else.


I pull this kind of thing a fair bit, unfortunately - and the reason is I just want to be alone.
This is basically my preferred method of ending relationships - rather than deal with all the heartbreak etc that would sucker me in to sticking around out of sympathy, I just disappear. No contact.

This only happens if someone has done something wrong though.

If I'm interested in someone well tbh after the other person breaks the ice, I'm comfortable to initiate conversations in the future.. so maybe this guy isn't that into you?

I've said the exact same thing to someone - need to be alone for a while, not sure what's going on - but, this was a lie - I knew exactly what was happening, I was losing or had lost interest and the only thing I was unsure of was how to end the relationship without hurting her feelings.

INFJs, and ISFJs, get overwhelmed because they have auxiliary Fe, they love to be included in things and can overextend themselves almost as if.. you forget you're an introvert?

So you spend all day out and about doing stuff with your friends then next thing you know you're like.. well shit I'm going to need like a week of nothing but video games on my lonesome now.. lol.

All introverts get this way - extraverts too but less often - IxFJs have troubles balancing the out and about time and the me time because of auxiliary Fe.

That's how I feel anyway.
I realise I've got ISTJ as my type here but this is all a learning process.
I test officially, have been typed as professionally and self-type as an INFJ.

Everyone is different though.

I've got an estp friend who does the same thing only difference is, when he's questioned about it, rather than ignore the message like I do, he responds and says he's moved on or not interested anymore etc.


INFJs are way less honest and truthful than you'd think, due to being so conflict avoidant by nature, in these kinds of situations.

Honestly it is a form of manipulation and deceit when you boil it down.
 

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One thing that is oft repeated about INFJ's, is that while we can be really good at understanding and dealing with other people's feelings, we can be real idiots when it comes to our own. I think this partially comes from the fact that, depending on how strong our Fe is, when we are around a lot of people, we have a lot of feelings to deal with. And everybody else's feelings can drown out our own. We need to be alone, with no emotional input, in order to flush everybody else out of our system and get back in touch with ourselves and our own feelings. But understanding that's what's going on, and trying to explain this to other people (especially non-Fe users), can be very difficult, and unfortunately the easiest solution is to disappear.

The disappearing act is sort of a multi tool for us, it's used when we are; exhausted from human contact, when we don't want someone around anymore, when we feel like we have to express our feelings but haven't worked out/dealt with those yet, and, sometimes when we're dealing with romantic feelings.

I don't know what age range we're dealing with here, but I'm gonna assume he's young. If he's surrounded by other people all day, like most of us are, and he's not fully aware of his minds need for isolation, he might be making the same mistake I did when I was younger; forcing himself to deal with other people even when he should be resting, cause it's rude not to and that's supposedly how you deal with shyness. Without the proper time to get in touch with ourselves and process everything that's going on, our (and everybody else's) feelings tends to become this blurry, undefinable soup that's extremely hard to deal with when the world won't shut up. This can cause us to freak out when someone shows actual interest in OUR feelings, cause we honestly have no idea what those are..

If he sometimes initiates contact, then he's definitely interested in you, at the very least as a friend. If we want to break off contact, we simply don't initiate anymore.
Also, if you used to communicate on a regular basis, and this "silent mode" is a recent development, that means something's changed. Either in his life, or his relationship with you. There's a good chance he's trying to deal with his feelings for you (and failing), whatever those may be, cause he is now forced to due to you showing romantic interest.

As for how to deal with this behavior, give us space, but not too much. Don't push, but don't let us think you forgot about us either. I know that's vague, but it really depends on the individual and their current situation.
The next time you're in contact, try and get a sense of what's going on in his life, and whether he seems overwhelmed. Maybe try talking about how sometimes we need time alone to figure ourselves out, but be subtle about it.

As for whether you should keep texting him; when he eventually replies, does he reply to what you wrote, and is it more than a yes/no answer? If he does, that means he wants to talk to you about it, he just needs time to process and articulate his thoughts. In that case, keep up communication (at a sensible rate, i.e don't spam him with 10 texts a day). Just accept that you're not gonna get an answer immediately. It's like snail mail, it'll get there eventually..

And of course, take everything I say with a huge grain of salt as well.
 

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In my opinion, this depends more so on the INFJ's enneagram and emotional state.

If I'm not responding to you, it's usually due to: stress, family issues, or just forgetting. This doesn't mean I'm not interested, it just means there is other things going on in my life that are taking up more of my attention.

Also, I think all INFJs will appreciate you keeping in an interest/texting, just make sure not to over do it and don't be overly clingy.
 
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