My mother-in-law is a definite ESTJ, the COMPLETE opposite of me! Demanding, judging, never quits working, never quits finding something that needs to be fixed, controlling everyone around her, wants everyone else to value the things the values, and dismisses anything you value that she doesn't. All from a good, caring place of wanting to help, but it's hard to deal with. She'll do anything to help us, but it always means doing it her way. I feel like she's always trying to dig in her claws and turn everyone around her into an army of little "hers" because doing things our own way isn't good enough for her. Anyone else in this situation? How do you deal?
Anyone have ESTJ in-laws or parents?
[INFP]
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I know how you feel. My Dad is an ESTJ and it has made life quite the rough experience at times. Nothing I ever do seems to garner his approval. Whenever he has a computer problem he yells and screams and throws fits for hours, makes the problems worse, and expects me to show up and fix it. He expects me to be just like him, always feeling the need to work and get further even when I have no work that needs doing. When I call him to come pick me up, he's typically late because he's taking a shower because there are other people there who might glance at him -not that it matters at all. Whenever I try and fix a problem myself, he disapproves until I walk him through it step by step and then explain why it will work. He's over controlling and thanks to poor habits with his diabetes, unstable emotionally and prone to fits of rage at just about anything. This is why I spend all my time in my room. It's a safe haven.
I will say that one good thing has come out of having him as a parent. I have learned to yell back. Quite simply put, I normally just retreat to my room, but when he crosses the line, I can go beyond holding my own against his onslaught.
I can go on, but it's really not such a good idea to dwell on this. Just makes me angry thinking about it.
I will say that one good thing has come out of having him as a parent. I have learned to yell back. Quite simply put, I normally just retreat to my room, but when he crosses the line, I can go beyond holding my own against his onslaught.
I can go on, but it's really not such a good idea to dwell on this. Just makes me angry thinking about it.
Not living with the lunatic anymore makes her easier to cope with in the small time we do spend together. I would think having lived with her for so long helped sharpen my skills quite a bit, but perhaps that's just my silly nine thinking tricking me into seeing positive stuff in the misery.
Sprechen Sie Bahnhof? Yeah, I failed German in high school.
Sprechen Sie Bahnhof? Yeah, I failed German in high school.
FTFY
-Sorry, but I got the sense that the underlying message was "Just be subservient to an ESTJ because they're right for no particular reason."
The only way I have ever managed this is to go through the faulty method which I said wouldn't work and then use my method with heavy opposition even after rationally explaining everything in very precise detail followed by far more general explanations.
And leave alone? I've more seen begrudging behavior after my method works and my dad's doesn't. He'll leave more in indignity than acceptance, and that isn't closure.
-Perhaps I just have very bad experiences with ESTJs, but this is purely based on evidence based on my experience.
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My dad is an estj, and growing up he was pretty demanding and strict, and always telling me what to do and how to do things. I think my childhood could be a cause of some of my anxiety and general anxiety around other older men in general. I know he did love me, but just did things the way he knew best. These past few years, he has taken anger management and is much much much better. He is very understanding, supportive, and lets me live how I want. He always says he is jealous of my talents, i just wish he was that way when i was younger, I think I would be healthier now.
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337 Posts
I think my MIL may be an ESTJ. She's rather amiable and relatively low-key, but she definitely wears the pants in her family. She does everything in the spirit of "helping", but tends to jump right in with her "help" even if it wasn't asked for, expected, or needed. She makes the plans and the family dances to her tune. I think she gets away with it because the general feeling in the family is that she's being generous and selfless. They obviously have much more fluid boundaries than I have.
I actually do like her, but she's totallly confused by me. I think she attributes a lot of my strangeness to the fact that I'm from the south... but that's another subject entirely.
I actually do like her, but she's totallly confused by me. I think she attributes a lot of my strangeness to the fact that I'm from the south... but that's another subject entirely.
There's a difference between cutting to the point and being forceful.
What I don't get is why we should have to do more work to make your speech styling courteous. We can't just say "that's our type, get over it." That's a pathetic excuse. Why can't an ESTJ try to be less forceful in the speech style? Why should just the INFP have to rework it despite the obvious differences in what the original statement and translation actually mean?
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470 Posts
My mom actually tested as an ESTJ, but only 51% in all aspects. She's not ESTJ-esque in anyway; completely accepting, very understanding, loves free time, etc etc. She'd probably not test as an ESTJ on the true test.
Bottom line, and this will sound harsh- we don't care. We know that what we mean is not to inflict harm on others, but rather just to get things done. If you want to not take offense to what we say, I'm telling you how to do it. We are achievers. We set goals and we find ways to get to them. Don't take it personally that we tend to overlook people's feelings to get things done. We don't consider our own feelings, so we don't even assume that we should consider other's either. Something to work on.
My mom is an ESJT type, but my dad is an INFP. Being with my mom for more than 2 weeks is rare and sounds horrible, because she's usually away most of the times and only here during the weekends. Everytime she's back, my mom gives me orders, judges me, harrasses me for who i;m not, and underline my flaws [don't know if it's the right word] That's why I try my best to avoid being at home during the weekend. Oh and, she also hates my personality. I know that because, 2 weeks ago exactly, my mom yelled at me that I have to change...
So, yeah... Conclusion, you're not the only one suffering under an ESJT parent D:
The thing is, I know she does that for my future or so I think, but sometimes i cant take it anymore you know
So, yeah... Conclusion, you're not the only one suffering under an ESJT parent D:
The thing is, I know she does that for my future or so I think, but sometimes i cant take it anymore you know
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