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Discussion Starter #1
How do you score?.Apology Language Profile for Adults | The 5 Love Languages®


me:

4Expressing Regret
7Accept Responsibility
4Make Restitution
4Genuinely Repent
1Request Forgiveness




The highest score is your predominant "language"

i posted in ENTJ forum, but I wonder if you can help me learn about the intjs in my life. thanks in advance!
 

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I guess there is no need to ask for forgiveness with this INTJ. Just accept you blundered and try and change next outcome seems to get me by. I imagine ENTJs and INTJs won't be a hell of a lot different, maybe.


3 Expressing Regret
9 Accept Responsibility
4 Make Restitution
4 Genuinely Repent
0 Request Forgiveness
 

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5 Expressing Regret
6 Accept Responsibility
2 Make Restitution
6 Genuinely Repent
1 Request Forgiveness

Like Bethdeth said, I don't care much for being asked for forgiveness, for the most part it will happen if you admit you screwed up, and are bothered enough by it to try to avoid it from happening again in the future.
 

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Your Scores
1Expressing Regret
9Accept Responsibility
5Make Restitution
5Genuinely Repent
0Request Forgiveness


Absolutely do NOT ask me to forgive you.

The best thing you can do to get it is to change your behaviour to prevent the problem in the future. Not just try to change but actually do it. Be mindful.
 

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488 Posts
0Expressing Regret
0Accept Responsibility
6Make Restitution
14Genuinely Repent
0Request Forgiveness

I care most about what a person will change in order to prevent whatever they're apologizing for. This demonstrates they plan to prevent another error, which is acknowledgement in and of itself.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
wow, very similar.
so, my question is my INTJ hubby refuses to admit fault and must be held in a verbal chokehold and cornered before he will do so. How does this relate with your desire to only accept admitting fault and rectifying the action?

Or, is he just a one-off?
 

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wow, very similar.
so, my question is my INTJ hubby refuses to admit fault and must be held in a verbal chokehold and cornered before he will do so. How does this relate with your desire to only accept admitting fault and rectifying the action?

Or, is he just a one-off?
Hah! I've actually done the verbal chokehold business on others. As soon as they can admit it I'm sorta, meh. OK I can move on.

For me I'm usually on to accepting responsibility straight up and changing behaviour but I'm not into grovelling and asking forgiveness. Saying sorry is easy, asking forgiveness just seems futile. Forgiveness seems to be the last thing to process.
 

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i got expressing regret, out in front of all the others. responsibility came in a late 2nd.

dunno. depends on context though. i found the wording of so many of the options slightly arse-crawly and opportunistic, plus obvious. so that steered me pretty strongly towards whatever struck me as the least aesthetically flinch-provoking. i really don't care for the chapter-and-verse mea culpa recitation irl, i don't think. it's a very very easy thing to just reel off by rote, ime; at least in the circles i associate with. and besides i'm antagonized by having to listen to any all-about-me performance from someone who's just messed me up. they offend me if they tell me all about how they screwed up, and they offend me if they presume to tell me how it affected me. it's pretty hard to get back down shit creek once you've got yourself up there with me, i suppose. i'd prefer to just wipe the whole slate and not have eitehr of us refer to it at all.

possibly. i could be talking pure theoretical gibberish though. it really has been so freaking long since anyone did anything around me that i considered egregious enough to require an apology. the last person to upset me like that was the artsie, and i just needed a session of intermittent emoting on my side and the sense of a geniune ear on his, to get the decks cleared. i think maybe my results are quite accurate, though. next time someone does really upset me, i'll prick up my ears and take notes.
 

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wow, very similar.
so, my question is my INTJ hubby refuses to admit fault and must be held in a verbal chokehold and cornered before he will do so. How does this relate with your desire to only accept admitting fault and rectifying the action?

Or, is he just a one-off?
Consider the fact that you're the one at fault, and you try to ENTJ-steamroll others into giving you false apologies.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
ooh,thanks. hadn't thought of that. /sarcasm
 

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...i found the wording of so many of the options slightly arse-crawly and opportunistic, plus obvious. so that steered me pretty strongly towards whatever struck me as the least aesthetically flinch-provoking. i really don't care for the chapter-and-verse mea culpa recitation irl,..

  • 6Expressing Regret
  • 7Accept Responsibility
  • 0Make Restitution
  • 7Genuinely Repent
  • 0Request Forgiveness
Also not thrilled with the choices of responses. All I ask in an apology is:

-know that you screwed me over
-make me believe you won't do it again

Any words that come out of your mouth after that won't fix what you did wrong, and nothing you do will fix what you broke. Fail me once and you lose trust that I apparently misplaced in you. I will still mostly trust you and consider you a friend/partner/acquaintance/etc..., but it sets a precedent: If you've done it once, you have now demonstrated to me that you are capable of doing it again. Period. While I do realize once does not constitute a pattern, once is the start of one. I won't lord your past transgressions against you, either - it is done and cannot be changed. I will just remember that I trust you a smidgen less than before...
 

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-make me believe you won't do it again
this one is interesting. me, i'm just irritated by verbal insistence you won't. nothing will convince me except for you not doing it, but in the interim i do understand that the question is moot so it's not like it haunts my days and nights or anything. to me it isn't a subject at all. and i'd rather not have to hear about it.
 

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Here's the thing with INTJ'S. INTJ'S have tertiary Fi. They won't readily express they are wrong. Internally they will eventually gather this. That's just how they are. Most of them. Ones with a more developed Fi will most likely cater to your needs by verbally expressing guilt and being apologetic.

I got kind of bored taking the test. I am not a fan of those types of tests due to the repetitiveness. The maker didn't even try to be creative. Meh, doesn't help my case now that I'm drinking. Zzzzzz. Good luck with your husband. Just remember, he has tertiary Fi. He most likely knows that he is wrong at some point. It's an internal process for him, one that he does not necessarily think deserves expressing.
 

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8 Expressing Regret
9 Accept Responsibility
1 Make Restitution
2 Genuinely Repent
0 Request Forgiveness

Regret tickles my Fi, Responsibility tickles my Te.



I'd loathe to be asked forgiveness, because I'd just think "Why should I?"

Show me you recognise it's your fault, and that you're saddened for it being so; offer no excuses and instead only show how much you've been hurt from your regret like I've been hurt from your trepasses and I'll pretty much always forgive you and maybe have a little cry.
 

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this one is interesting. me, i'm just irritated by verbal insistence you won't. nothing will convince me except for you not doing it, but in the interim i do understand that the question is moot so it's not like it haunts my days and nights or anything. to me it isn't a subject at all. and i'd rather not have to hear about it.
True, that... I do, however, like the insistence of future 'good behavior' to feed a little bit of my own smug self-satisfaction (I do enjoy someone groveling, to a degree). It also helps to judge just how much less I will trust you again: (your having done X for the second time) - (your vehement promises to not do X again) = (some negative number) < how negative it is is how much less I trust you now.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Here's the thing with INTJ'S. INTJ'S have tertiary Fi. They won't readily express they are wrong. Internally they will eventually gather this. That's just how they are. Most of them. Ones with a more developed Fi will most likely cater to your needs by verbally expressing guilt and being apologetic.

I got kind of bored taking the test. I am not a fan of those types of tests due to the repetitiveness. The maker didn't even try to be creative. Meh, doesn't help my case now that I'm drinking. Zzzzzz. Good luck with your husband. Just remember, he has tertiary Fi. He most likely knows that he is wrong at some point. It's an internal process for him, one that he does not necessarily think deserves expressing.
Helpful. in the interest of full disclosure, I readily admit when I was wrong and how I helped escalate it.

Random: drinking-fun till snoozy. happy sleeps.
 

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i got expressing regret, out in front of all the others. responsibility came in a late 2nd.

dunno. depends on context though. i found the wording of so many of the options slightly arse-crawly and opportunistic, plus obvious. so that steered me pretty strongly towards whatever struck me as the least aesthetically flinch-provoking. i really don't care for the chapter-and-verse mea culpa recitation irl, i don't think. it's a very very easy thing to just reel off by rote, ime; at least in the circles i associate with. and besides i'm antagonized by having to listen to any all-about-me performance from someone who's just messed me up. they offend me if they tell me all about how they screwed up, and they offend me if they presume to tell me how it affected me. it's pretty hard to get back down shit creek once you've got yourself up there with me, i suppose. i'd prefer to just wipe the whole slate and not have eitehr of us refer to it at all.

possibly. i could be talking pure theoretical gibberish though. it really has been so freaking long since anyone did anything around me that i considered egregious enough to require an apology. the last person to upset me like that was the artsie, and i just needed a session of intermittent emoting on my side and the sense of a geniune ear on his, to get the decks cleared. i think maybe my results are quite accurate, though. next time someone does really upset me, i'll prick up my ears and take notes.
Heehee! I agree. I'm not sure how I'd actually react in context, but the idea of someone grovelling for forgiveness or trying to compensate for wrongdoing just seems like they want to stop feeling guilty. If they express regret, it's more like they genuinely recognize their own faults. Restitution and repentance should flow from that, I think, not be a first thought. I feel I'm pretty quick to forgive if someone is humble and reflective enough to clearly admit that their character and/or behaviour was wrong.

My results were:
8 Expressing Regret
8 Accept Responsibility
1 Make Restitution
3 Genuinely Repent
0 Request Forgiveness
 

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I like how all this is going.

1 Expressing regret
7 Accept responsibility
4 Make restitution
3 Genuinely repent
5 Request forgiveness

Somehow I think that expressing regret might not be genuine. Accepting responsibility and asking for forgiveness means that they do regret already. Its like forcing them to take a blow in their own ego.
 

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5Expressing Regret
7Accept Responsibility
6Make Restitution
2Genuinely Repent
0Request Forgiveness

Accurate results. I don't mind it when someone makes a mistake or does something wrong in my eyes. When someone wrongs me all I generally need is for someone to assume responsibility for what they did, say sorry and move on. If their actions set me back in one way or the other I think it's only fair that they set the situation straight and compensate the damages. That's then the end of the matter. And don't do it again. The one thing I hate even more than a dramatic appeal for forgiveness is someone apologizing for something they're going to do again the next day. I'd rather you don't apologize and simply explain to me why you did X and why you will continue to do X in the future, regardless of the offense I take to X. Just be sincere.

As said before: emotional displays of regret and begging forgiveness really, really don't work. Mainly because it generally doesn't do justice to the situation and they end up placing themselves in a victim position. Asking someone for forgiveness should be reserved for really, horrible, huge transgressions and breaches of trust.
 

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5 Expressing Regret
5 Accept Responsibility
6 Make Restitution
3 Genuinely Repent
1 Request Forgiveness

I noticed I mostly wanted restitution in the workplace situations. If friends and family hurt me, it's only my feelings at stake; they'll mend. If you've damaged my property or my reputation, you need to restore it.

Regret is good when there's no good way to undo the damage, and tells that me that you understand I'm going to be angry at this for a while.

I've heard so many promises to do better in the future that I simply don't believe them from most people anymore.

The only time I chose forgiveness was specifically from my brother; it's as foreign for him to ask as it is for me, and so it's the only way I would believe he actually meant it.
 
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