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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My ISFJ mum and ISTJ dad have just had a massive go at me for absolutely nothing.

I say that, my mum did, my dad just agreed with her. That tends to be the case.

I've just come back from University to stay with my parents for a week.

Me and my mum were having a convosation, I was behaving like I normally do. She flips out all of a sudden simply because I was questioning her about something she was saying.

Then went on to say how when I'm on the phone to her I 'always behave like this' and I'm 'always angry'.

She said I have anger management issues.

Now she knows as well as I do that she is exaggerating there. However she got really, really cross with me. I just said listen I apologise I'm really sorry, I can't help behave like that it is just in my nature too.

That didn't go down too well either.

In all seriousness, I wasn't being angry with her at all I was just questionning what she was saying.

Just earlier today when she picked me up from University, we had an hour car journey together. Because she hadn't seen me for a while I think she thought it was appropriate to ask me every question under the sun, and because I'm pretty useless with small talk, I couldn't carry on the convosation that well although I did try for her. She ended up going on and on about her day for the rest of the journey.
I'm nice back to her, I try to listen to all of it, but it bores me to death. I would never say this though.


End of the day I make an effort so much with her I really don't think it's fair that I get this abuse back from her. She really lets her emotions run wild when she's angry, and says some awful things.


I am so thankful for this forum sometimes!! Does anyone else have a hard time getting on with their parent(s)? Or gone through something similar to this?
 
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My wife is ISFJ; they just don't get us at all. It took a lot of adjustment for both of us to understand how each other tick. Just understand they internalize EVERYTHING. If you're not smiling your ass off 24/7 they think you are unhappy and see it as a personal failure. It took me a very long time to get her to understand that just because I'm not smiling doesn't mean I'm unhappy. Your attitude and how they perceive it, right or wrong, affects their mood directly.
 

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jesus.... sorry bout that. It's a crappy thing not being understood or accepted as you. I haven't gone through this with my parents but with people..... lol.... lets just say yes.
 

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Google up an actual description of 'anger management issues' and print it out for her. Or you could actually behave as if you have them.. I mean hey, you are getting the label anyway.
 

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Oh my mom calls me anorexic.... cause I eat well.... basically.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
It took me a very long time to get her to understand that just because I'm not smiling doesn't mean I'm unhappy. Your attitude and how they perceive it, right or wrong, affects their mood directly.
That's spot on, and that's the issue. When I question her, I have a serious face on and she can't stand it. She thinks I'm questioning her as though I'm saying 'you're wrong' to her. She just gets offended by it too easily.

My dad and I don't have this problem at all. Such a shame, but I really can't change that about me. She'd argue that I can, and that I should. I think that's just so wrong.
 

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That's spot on, and that's the issue. When I question her, I have a serious face on and she can't stand it. She thinks I'm questioning her as though I'm saying 'you're wrong' to her. She just gets offended by it too easily.
Yea I understand. You just have to be careful how you approach her. I know it's a pain but you have to approach discussions in what they perceive as a non-threatening manner. They really take everything very personally. Very often there is no gray, everything is either black or white. You agree with them or they have failed. I’m over simplifying it and making it sound like you have to walk on egg shells around them. That’s not really the case, just try not to be so confrontational in your discussions. We can disagree with someone without being confrontational; it’s just not one of our strong points.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
yeah you're right. I'm going to have to try harder.
 

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My ISFJ mum and ISTJ dad have just had a massive go at me for absolutely nothing.

I say that, my mum did, my dad just agreed with her. That tends to be the case.

I've just come back from University to stay with my parents for a week.

Me and my mum were having a convosation, I was behaving like I normally do. She flips out all of a sudden simply because I was questioning her about something she was saying.

Then went on to say how when I'm on the phone to her I 'always behave like this' and I'm 'always angry'.

She said I have anger management issues.

Now she knows as well as I do that she is exaggerating there. However she got really, really cross with me. I just said listen I apologise I'm really sorry, I can't help behave like that it is just in my nature too.

That didn't go down too well either.

In all seriousness, I wasn't being angry with her at all I was just questionning what she was saying.

Just earlier today when she picked me up from University, we had an hour car journey together. Because she hadn't seen me for a while I think she thought it was appropriate to ask me every question under the sun, and because I'm pretty useless with small talk, I couldn't carry on the convosation that well although I did try for her. She ended up going on and on about her day for the rest of the journey.
I'm nice back to her, I try to listen to all of it, but it bores me to death. I would never say this though.


End of the day I make an effort so much with her I really don't think it's fair that I get this abuse back from her. She really lets her emotions run wild when she's angry, and says some awful things.


I am so thankful for this forum sometimes!! Does anyone else have a hard time getting on with their parent(s)? Or gone through something similar to this?

Hmm they probably find the very act of being questioned threatening and/or offensive. Some ppl are like that. Also, we INTPs tend to have problems with the way we say things, since we focus in the content and other types can't pass the form sometimes, and this can cause many misunderstandings. Maybe questioning what was offensive is a good way to start. You can explain that this is how you are and that they should not interpret it like that. You will probably have to be more careful with your speech though...
 
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We have difficulty relating to others due to our directness and need to get to point. This can make us seem harsh or uncaring to those that are sensitive or don't realize it's our nature and it's not our intent. For the most part I don't really care how I come across to people but to those that I like and respect or must maintain a relationship with I will try to come across a bit softer if I see I'm pissing them off. It also helps if you take to time to explain to them that it's just your nature and try to overlook our lack of social skills if and when we stick our foot in our mouth.
 

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Anger management is for sissies. Express your rage on anyone, or anything, you like.
 
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