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I am needing some advice from INFP females.

Do you need to have children being married in order to be happy? I want to get feedback from INFP females and see how common is a yes/no answer.

Are there any types of lifestyles (i.e. career oriented, etc.) after getting married, where you would accept not having children? What type of life style would you have to be living (i.e. working as a reporter) where you would accept not having children?

I am asking as an INTP who does not want children because it's not the way of life I want for myself. Otherwise, I am moderately conservative and stay away from radicalism.

If you come from a conservative society, please specify that you do so along with your response so I can know what INFPs in a similar society think.

Thank you
 

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I am asking as an INTP who does not want children because it's not the way of life I want for myself.
Just substitute the T for an F, and you've answered your own question.

I'm not conservative and gravitate toward radicalism, so I can't relate with that aspect of your question. Sorry.
 
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This thread may help you: [INFP] Do you have kids? Do you want kids?

So, are you asking because you're married to or considering marrying an INFP?

No, I do not need children to be happily married. I have been married for 1 year, and dating my husband for 6 years. We're not planning on having children for another 5 years. We may not have children at all. I think that if I felt I needed children to be happy, then it might help to work with children.

My roommate loves kids, but she's an elementary school teacher, so she's around them all the time. She said she prefers to escape them for awhile, and has no plans to have kids of her own. She's INTJ, though...

I come from a conservative upbringing. I was raised in the Mormon/ LDS church, and my mom was a stay-at-home mom, who did all the traditional wife/mother stuff. I'm moderately liberal, politically speaking.
 

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No.

But this really depends on the individual. I don't think we can say that INFPs will come to a consensus about whether children are necessary for marriage or not. Some INFPs here have children and will readily say yes to your question, or some may even say no. Lots of INFPs are not married and will have wildly different answers depending on their age, life experiences, cultural background, etc.

I personally say no because marriage itself is not about children. Children and marriage are linked because of strong social customs, but they are in reality two very different things. Marriage is first and foremost about the relationship between two people. It is used as a stepping stone by most people to have children in a "legitimate" way, sure. But are children and marriage Siamese twins? No. There are plenty of married couples who are childless by choice and perfectly content. If anything these couples tend to be happier, which research studies have shown, but lots of people still don't want to acknowledge this because as a society we've been brainwashed to believe that children ALWAYS bring happiness to married couples. This is a laughable suggestion at the very least.

The truth is that if the marriage is on the rocks to begin with, children are most likely not going to help the situation. If anything, children will make the marriage splinter. This is such a common problem that it's cliche.
 

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Dear god no, I do NOT want children and I never plan on having any. Children have nothing whatsoever to do with marriage, as far as I'm concerned. On a personal level, I find the idea of being pregnant horrifying. Childbirth even more so. I'm extremely repulsed by both; always have been, likely always will be. Going through the full experience of pregnancy would be traumatising for me -- and that's not an exaggeration, I know it for a fact. I've been pregnant (for nine weeks) and it was one of the most psychologically upsetting experiences I've ever gone through. It made me suicidal. I refuse to ever apologise or feel guilty for getting an abortion -- it was absolutely the right choice for me and I felt nothing but relief afterwards. (I likely would have been at risk for serious -- and possibly life-threatening -- physical complications due to long-standing health issues anyway, so it's a good thing I didn't consider going through with it.)

I also think I'd make a terrible parent, to be quite honest. Not that I don't have the capacity to love a child -- I know that I'd love them fiercely, actually. I'm just not a good candidate to have kids because my own head and life are such a mess and, if I'm honest, I'm nowhere near responsible enough to be a parent. I'm too flaky and too caught up in the drama of my own inner world. I also have many other things that I'd much rather do with my life than raise another person.

As for the society I come from... very liberal. I consider myself to be an extremely far-left socialist.
 

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At this point in my life, yes I feel that a marriage would be lacking without children. That said, I'm not married, and my answer to that question might change in the future. Children are hard and messy and constricting. But I do want children. And with a loving, long-term, committed relationship like marriage I would like (and expect) to experience raising a human being. I would like to experience loving a human being as intensely as so many mothers do. I would like to watch my children grow up, and impart to them as much love and knowledge as they'll accept. No, I don't think there would be any type of lifestyle that I could simply "accept" not having children, since I do consider it an important future goal/experience. I was raised in California's suburbs -- I'm not sure if you would consider that conservative or not. My father is a Republican and my mother is a Democrat, though I have grown up identifying more liberal than conservative. In any case, good luck with your future romantic endeavors, Mr. INTP! :)
 

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INFP woman I knew never wanted children, but found herself a husband she likes. (She didn't like the first one.)
 

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Personally I do not believe that a tired or bored marriage life is an excuse for bringing children into the equation. If you want children, you should have reasons that you feel are valid. Some people want children to further expand their love for another person (which for them, is valid enough) and others have children because they assume/feel that that's what they're "supposed to do" based on social norms, american culture, tradition, etc. Personally as an INFP (and perhaps as an individual in general) I do not feel the need to have children when married in order to be happy. Happiness is what you make it. When I get married I want to be happy regardless of whether I have children or not. Do I want children? Yes. I hope that having a child would give me and my husband something to look beyond ourselves and to strengthen whatever relationship we have at the time. But I want children when I'm ready (both mentally, and financially) and when I'm married I definitely want at least the first five years kid-free. Besides, I have a condition that could possibly prevent me from having children, so that's another thing to consider. Could I still be happy? Absolutely! I live in the south-eastern part of the U.S (within the "bible belt") so I guess you can consider my social surroundings as conservative, but I like to view myself as semi-liberal.
 

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Hmm. I guess I'm a little confused as to what you mean. I'm not a conservative INFP, I'm pretty moderate/liberal. But I'm mostly curious as to why you're asking. Do you know an INFP and are curious as to whether or not she'd ever accept not having kids? (because if so, nothing we say will really help, you just need to talk to her about it.) Otherwise, I'll try to just answer the question.

I have already "accepted" not having kids - I don't want to have them. It's also not the way of life I want for myself. Cool for others if that's really what they want. As of right now I want something else.
 

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Personally I do not believe that a tired or bored marriage life is an excuse for bringing children into the equation. If you want children, you should have reasons that you feel are valid. Some people want children to further expand their love for another person (which for them, is valid enough) and others have children because they assume/feel that that's what they're "supposed to do" based on social norms, american culture, tradition, etc. Personally as an INFP (and perhaps as an individual in general) I do not feel the need to have children when married in order to be happy. Happiness is what you make it. When I get married I want to be happy regardless of whether I have children or not. Do I want children? Yes. I hope that having a child would give me and my husband something to look beyond ourselves and to strengthen whatever relationship we have at the time. But I want children when I'm ready (both mentally, and financially) and when I'm married I definitely want at least the first five years kid-free. Besides, I have a condition that could possibly prevent me from having children, so that's another thing to consider. Could I still be happy? Absolutely! I live in the south-eastern part of the U.S (within the "bible belt") so I guess you can consider my social surroundings as conservative, but I like to view myself as semi-liberal.
Hey - you're awesome. Totes agree with everything you said. Also, welcome to the forums!
 

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I want kids, I want to be married, and I am politically am centrsit on some issues, liberal on others, and on others just entirely neutral/apathetic/apolitical.

As for infp women in general:
on this forum there are many liberal or apoltical women, but also more than a few conservative women.
I think this has to do with personal choice and upbringing more than personality; infps tend towards leaning left, but that is only a tendecy, not an iron clad rule.
Many infp women do not want children or to marry, others do.
 

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I was going to say, don't psycho-analyse too much based on mbti, cos it removes the respect of the person whom you want to share a life with and consider the option of children. The thing I do not understand is why this "cut throat" idea of either/or. I know my brother in law who is an INTJ, he was so not ready when he was younger to consider babies, and then they waited til a very late time, when really at that point, my sister was at risk, at 36. Yet, when I see my INTJ brother's eyes, and the proudness, I think he finally understood it. But he would not have understood it when he did not marry, or did not go through a certain phase in his life up until that point. Many of my INTJ uncles said that they were silly to have waited, cos it jeopodized her life. Plus kids does not need much, but they need attention and love etc.

I am also 34, and I think that it is a personal decision for anyone, and there should not be a generalised concept of whether "INFPs should or should not do this....". Each person handles their life differently and the best they could. One I know is that, I am more confident now to have a child than I was when I was in my 20s, when I had fear at the back of my mind, and I would have ended up in depression or post-natal depression if I was not sure of myself. Though I will say that, there had been only 2 men in my life who I felt I could have wanted to have a child with them, cos I had that "I want you give you the best of me" kind of feeling. Now I am probably too cynical, but I will try to get myself back to that kind of feeling for the person who I want to be with. It does change your life. It does.

Recently, I also found someone whom I have fallen in love with, and it is that same unsettling "fear" feeling of losing something so important to you, and it is so fragile that, you have to be mentally prepared on being more giving than anything. You got to put them first. Or to find a "best fit" way which works well with your lifestyle as well as the basic child necessity needs.

There was a celebrity model who were raised by reporter parents. I cannot remember her name. Maybe it is worth looking at how they set up their lifestyle during the child raising period. It depends on the nature of the reporting role. Even as an IT person, I removed myself now from the hustle and bustle of IT consulting world, and found a nicer global company to work with who seems to have good maternity leave policies. This is a bit of luck on my side. I cannot stress how much you need to communicate with your partner throughout all this. Ask, rather than assume. Never assume. Always discuss needs, ideas, and find a solution together. Always. I think this method is what kept my ESFJ sister and INTJ brother in law together. They also happened to be surrounded by family and friends during the period that they have kids, so that they can share resources, time etc.
 

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I'm moderately liberal but was raised in a conservative culture/background.

In any case, I want kids but I also see marriage and children as separate. I was always concerned that getting married meant that the relationship becomes all about the kids, as it would normally, but I worry about having children putting stress on a marriage. And I've also come to feel that I want one child only and hope that marriage doesn't get in the way of my relationship with him or her. It's a weird thought to have but it fits me. I'd rather be a mom than get married at this point in my life. But if you asked me this a couple years ago, I would've said the opposite that marriage was a given and that kids are a part of the package. But now, they are separate.
 

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As a teenager, my take is of limited value. But it's like this:

My dream of happiness involves a wife and children that I love enormously and so on. But I've come to realise two things. 1) Dreams do not become reality usually and 2) That stuff is important, but what's more important is HER. If she doesn't want to get married or have children then it won't happen because I would never force someone to, especially someone I love so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with them and raise my children with them.

Kids aren't necessary - but love IS.
 

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I love children...but I also love to give them back to their parents. Taking care of them in short bursts is fun and rewarding, as is watching and facilitating their development. If I were to have my own, I would need frequent breaks. As it is, I tend to think it is fairly difficult to self-actualize with children around. INFP seem to spend a pretty large amount of time in soul-searching mode. Try figuring out the purpose of your existence with children screaming at you, if you do not feel you are natural parent/caregiver. (of course it could always end up being that one's subjective purpose is to care for others...never can tell. Sometimes we find out by doing it.)

As another poster pointed put, I would never bring a child in to the equation to try and fix a broken or bored marriage. I think it is something both partners should want.

I am very often ambivalent, politically. I am socially liberal.. Fiscally, I'd like to see everyone taken care of, but have an understanding of the trouble that can lead to. I think if we took care of our own a bit better, my country could afford a more socialized system of governance.
 

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For me -- my marriage would have been lacking, IF WE HAD kids.

Anti-kid talk below, some might not want to read:
 
They sure do seem to be an emotional/financial/energy drain.

Sort of like a parasite, sucking off of its Host.

I'm just *judging* from the outside looking in, tho.
 

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On the other hand, INFP are carers... and if you had kids early on, then it means that you self actualise even much quicker and earlier. This I am certain of now. Cos there were indeed moments where I felt I could do this in my life, and that "idealise" phase... Now? Now, I am also a ticking clock too. In recent years, I cried at the fact that I may not be able to have kids. Cos I spent so much time lamenting on something so silly... and I wish I could have come out of the wood so much quicker. It is something to seriously accept and think about for yourselves on a very personal level. Without open communications between the two parties, then everything does not make much sense. I also do not understand why some couples will split up when they decide not to have babies. It's crazy ! Other couples change their minds and adopt instead. This is something I am thinking about for myself now.
 

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Marriage and children are two separate things. You can have one without the other, children within a marriage isn't always a given. Some INFPs want both, either or neither. Not wanting children is more of an individual choice than connected to being a certain type.

I think that if you want children, you should be aware of the pros and cons of being a parent and should be emotionally and financially stable. I don't want kids because I know exactly what goes into being a parent and I value my free time too much to want motherhood.

As for politics, I grew up in a moderate/liberal home, except for my mom, who considers herself to be a Reagan conservative. I'm a mix of liberal and libertarian.
 

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I would really want to have a child with my partner, but it would not be mandatory, especially if the desire to have a child wasn't mutual. There is a huge part of me that wants to be a mother, but there are plenty of circumstances under which I would put it off, or forget it altogether. I would not want to bring a child into an unstable home, or bad financial situation, and as mentioned earlier- I wouldn't want to force it upon my partner.
I'm in no hurry, though. If I am to get married, I want a few years to grow with my significant other before making any big and important decisions.
 
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