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Discussion Starter #1
I'd like to hear some talk about this - are any female INTJs alpha when it comes to men they're interested in? How do you go about 'putting yourself out there', if at all? Or do you sit back and sort of set things up so that men/your gender of choice/whomever can approach you?

For me, I've tended to sit back and hope that a crush in question will make out my worthiness. It's often happened, with no real effort on my part. I realize it could be construed as a sort of lame, passive, lazy and conventional female approach, but whatever.

Any time I've gone after a guy I've wanted it's ended quickly or poorly.
 

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I wouldn't consider myself dominant (that, in my mind, is equated to an extent with being "bossy"), although I am fairly straightforward and direct.

I haven't dated yet but I find the idea of waiting for a man to approach unappealing. The "dating game" seems difficult from an observer's perspective. Eye contact can be misconstrued, friendliness can be misinterpreted...I'd just prefer to let someone know if I am interested, and see if the feeling is mutual. I've been approached before, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable, especially if I am not interested in the person.
 

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Couldn't tell you from a female perspective, but the only female INTJ I know tends to be hostile and avoiding.
 
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My twin sister is an INTJ, and I don't see dominant tendencies in her. Though she has historically been lacking relationships for me to evaluate.
 

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I have both pursued men and been pursued by them for a romantic relationship. I have no issues with relaying my interest in a direct manner but I've found that not everyone responds positively due to societal conditioning/personal preference/what have you's. It depends upon the personality dynamics at play.
 

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It depends on the person for me.

With shy or reserved or introverted people, I wouldn't say that I'm dominant, but I can be extremely forward because I get a kick out of their reticence and enjoy pulling them outside of their shells.There's a degree of empathising going on -- I know that I used to appreciate those behaviours in others, so when I identify with someone because of my former shyness, I'll do what I would have appreciated in the same situation. It's easier for me to put myself out there with introverts or shy people since I feel like they will be more forgiving if (or completely oblivious to wherever or not) I misjudge the situation and do something awkward. It's also a bit utilitarian in the sense that conversation can be a bit stilted at first between two introverts until they figure each other out, since we tend to be a responsive (rather than initiative) group of people, so I try to alleviate that initial awkwardness by playing extrovert.

With more outgoing, extroverted people, I can be very passive. It's more natural for me to listen than it is to speak, so extroverts will usually fill a lot of the conversation and sometimes I can have hard time jumping in. I can also get a bit shy if I feel like someone has better social skills than me, since I've had to work hard to function in the world beneath the clouds (seriously).

So, yeah, my behavioural patterns depend a lot on the dynamic between myself and whomever I'm speaking to. I'm also bipolar, so I can be unusually forward and flirtatious when I'm having a manic episode -- there's a somewhat infamous story of me hitting on a server one night at dinner and accidentally walking out of the restaurant with her number in the middle of a manic attack and when I'm manic that kind of behaviour is not unusual for me at all.
 
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I’m normally not aggressive at pursuing men at all, no. If I love the guy then I’m a competitor’s worst nightmare.

I have little interest in focusing my attention on finding a mate. However, I do love men, and they seem to like me a lot too.

A relationship is just not a priority unless I'm in love, and if that's the case, I'll go to extreme lengths to be around lover.
 

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I played alpha in this relationship. I really went out of my comfort zone though. So glad I did. None of the relationships before were good matches at all. I'm way too accommodating, believe it or not.
 

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Speaking for myself, no. I don't like to chase guys, and in relationships I'm quite content to let the other person take the lead most of the time. More often I go the other way and act too passive - there have been guys I liked for years who never had a clue.

I did try to initiate a thing a couple of years ago but that was extremely out of character for me, and it went badly. He kept giving me mixed signals... I was so confused. :frustrating: Not doing that again.
 

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Though she has historically been lacking relationships for me to evaluate.
some reason, this struck me as very funny. i don't even know what other people's definition of 'aggression' amounts to, myself. i can't stand subtext and those subliminal-wavelength unseen vapours off emotional situations, so i actually tend to call those faster than anyone else just to save my own sanity. that's been called aggressive by some :D

i think (depending on context) that i'm capable of being pretty open, but only about things and to the extent that i'm sure i know exactly what i'm talking about. that tends to mean i might be specific and forthcoming about anything right here in the here and now, but i don't ever commit myself to anything 'future'. 'i think you rock' coming from me - no problem. 'i want x, y or z out of you, or for us, or whatever' - no way. i have no idea if i will want it once it's done, so i don't talk about it.
 
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I've told 4 or so guys I was interested in them, for two of them - they already knew before I said it and the other two were more surprised. When I tell girl friends that I have told that many guys, they are shocked and say "you are so brave! I could never do that!" and that just makes me laugh...that is not how I see it at all. My curiosity basically gets to be too much and I need to know if they are interested or not. In either case, I wouldn't see that as aggressor/dominant, but it would be initiator/pursuer.

None of those turned out successfully..so I've kind of decided to just move on from that. Be myself, meet people, be involved with things, but not be the initiator/pursuer any more. I'm working on more of a "being open and friendly and smile" vibe.
 

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I dated an female INTJ and I wouldn't say she was dominant. I think I'd use the word "decisive."

However, she was rather dominant when we made out :wink:
 

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I kinda said this same thing in another thread, but basically, I'm going to be forward and decisive, ask my opinion and I'll give it, but in the end I prefer a man's man and to not dominate the relationship. The flip side of this, however, is if there's something I don't like or I'm determined about, I'm not just going to put my tail between my legs or get into a screaming/crying match over it....I'm going to argue logically and decisively, and I think that puts a lot of the types of guys I like off.

I've been told I come across as intimidating, but when i dig further, it's usually because I'm self-confident. I know what I know and I know what I don't know and for most alpha-male types that comes across as me being intimidating or domineering even though I'm actually quite the opposite in a relationship - up to a point.
 

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I have never pursued a man. I am an introvert. That does not mean that I am not alpha however. INTJ women are often quiet and that leads people to think we are shy and fearful. They are in for a rough wake up call when they really get to know us. I am more like the petite little anime character who is also a secret blade thrower.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I've been told I come across as intimidating, but when i dig further, it's usually because I'm self-confident. I know what I know and I know what I don't know and for most alpha-male types that comes across as me being intimidating or domineering even though I'm actually quite the opposite in a relationship - up to a point.
agreed. i've been told the same a lot. but someone put it differently - 'you don't seem to need anything or anyone.'

which is actually completely false, but yes, something i'd like to believe, to a point.
 

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agreed. i've been told the same a lot. but someone put it differently - 'you don't seem to need anything or anyone.'

which is actually completely false, but yes, something i'd like to believe, to a point.
I've never been told that directly by anyone but now that you say it, I realise it's certainly been....implied by previous love interests.

The thing is, it completely confuses me. Why the f would you *set yourself up* as needing anyone or anything? It's like you craft yourself to be awesome and independent and then find out that that was a complete waste of time. Bleep.
 
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