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Are INFPs More Likely to Cheat?

[INFP] 
25K views 56 replies 48 participants last post by  Buthationd 
#1 ·
I feel I need to state one thing before I get started. I am in no way saying this is universal. I'm just making observations from my own personal experience that seem to fit within a personality type.

Now that that's out of the way, I've come to think that perhaps INFPs may have a greater tendency than other types to be unfaithful in relationships. I think that may be due to having such a strong extraverted intuition. When you're taking everything in, it may be difficult to commit in the first place, and since INFPs (or at the very least, me), have a tendency to fall in love very quickly, it may lead to a situation where you find yourself in love with more than one person, and, especially considering the fickleness that I think may be inherent in someone with such a strong extraverted intuition, may make one more likely to cheat.

Personally, I've never cheated in a literal sense, but I feel like my heart does tend to wander. While I haven't cheated in body, I feel like I've cheated in spirit countless times. And since I won't technically cheat, and I generally find myself having difficulties initiating a breakup, I either end up doing the next worse thing and manipulating them into breaking up with me, or I do nothing and try to keep the other person out of my head. Either way, I'm left with a crippling sense of loss, either for what could have been, or what I had. It almost makes me thing I'd probably save everyone some pain if I could just bring myself to cheat
 
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#2 ·
Most type profiles & observations & self-reporting of INFPs imply the exact opposite.

You're identifying pretty heavily with Ne & little mention of Fi. That's sort of telling... Although I definitely would not say ENFP are prone to cheating either (or pin that on any type).
 
#3 ·
Cheating would clash with some very, very deeply rooted values in me. When I fall in love with a person, my biggest problem is they tend to take over my thoughts and my entire world starts to revolve around them. Other people just kind of fade into the background (I know that sounds kind of weird and crazy, but what I'm trying to say is that I just don't notice other people when my emotional intensity is directed at one person).

Cheating also ruined my parents' marriage. I don't think that I could ever cheat. I don't necessarily judge those who do, because I know that people make mistakes, but it's a mistake that I don't think I could ever make. Sorry if I sound kind of "holier-than-thou" :( I just have strong opinions about this!
 
#16 ·
Cheating would clash with some very, very deeply rooted values in me. When I fall in love with a person, my biggest problem is they tend to take over my thoughts and my entire world starts to revolve around them. Other people just kind of fade into the background (I know that sounds kind of weird and crazy, but what I'm trying to say is that I just don't notice other people when my emotional intensity is directed at one person).
This sums up exactly how I function once I fall in love with someone. I couldn't have said it better. And yes, it does seem weird and crazy to some people... Oh well.

I'm also extremely picky with the people I choose to be in a relationship with, so once I've set my mind on someone, I am extremely committed. I refuse to let them go or do anything that could harm the relationship.
I've only ever thought of someone else (and it was actually just daydreaming about some ideal partner who would possess the qualities my ex-boyfriend lacked at the time) when I was in a relationship that didn't fulfill me. Over time and with experience however, I have acquired a better idea of what I look for in a partner, and that means I will not jump into a relationship if I notice the smallest crack, or get the feeling that things could go wrong because we're not compatible enough. I think the reasons why I stay committed is that I am a perfectionist and will not settle for something I know is not exactly what I want. Once I find that perfect person, I don't want anyone else in the world.
 
#4 ·
Gee, you kind of took the words and completely described my heart's actions, lol. I personally do agree though. I tend to find good things in a lot of people, and I guess, fall in love and/or love them whilst in a relationship with someone, but I never really *do* anything in a literal sense that would be considered cheating.

I think commitment to just one person can be difficult because I tend to be curious about others and I want to, I suppose, be intimate with more than just one person.

When I was in my pre-teen years, I had rather.. a lot of infatuations with people, because I was attracted by looks and such. I still do have these, but I suppose I restrain them well enough now.

For some reason this kinda reminds me of Archer in The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. Kinda, but it doesn't make much sense. But basically he sticks with his destined wife despite having had a passion for someone else.

Slightly out of subject, but I remember my ESFP friend asking me about a situation. She said, if you were with your boyfriend, and things are fine, but then you meet your 'soulmate' (in which I protested back then that I didn't believe in a soulmate/what exactly is one, and where she said just someone you really struck with in all aspects I suppose), who would you decide to be with? And after a long time, I said soulmate. And she said, I knew it, and that she would just choose herself. She characterized me as "less traditional" than she was. Perhaps it could be true that INFPs are more unfaithful? I wonder.
 
#8 ·
I think commitment to just one person can be difficult because I tend to be curious about others and I want to, I suppose, be intimate with more than just one person.

For some reason this kinda reminds me of Archer in The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. Kinda, but it doesn't make much sense. But basically he sticks with his destined wife despite having had a passion for someone else.

Slightly out of subject, but I remember my ESFP friend asking me about a situation. She said, if you were with your boyfriend, and things are fine, but then you meet your 'soulmate' (in which I protested back then that I didn't believe in a soulmate/what exactly is one, and where she said just someone you really struck with in all aspects I suppose), who would you decide to be with? And after a long time, I said soulmate. And she said, I knew it, and that she would just choose herself. She characterized me as "less traditional" than she was. Perhaps it could be true that INFPs are more unfaithful? I wonder.
The Age of Innocence slayed me because I could totally relate to Archer's predicament: stay with the one you committed to but who is not your soul mate, or go be with your soul mate but destroy your family and have to live with the guilt (the guilt would certainly taint the joy of being with said soul mate). In the end he let his soul mate go, which made me weep buckets for what he gave up.

I personally don't think INFPs are more likely to physically cheat than other types, but perhaps they could emotionally cheat more than other types do. Speaking for myself, I do find it easy to become very emotionally attached to people with whom I feel a deep connection with, and I have had a couple of emotional affairs (never anything physical, so technically there was no cheating, but in my heart there was cheating and I lived with major guilt because of it).
 
#5 ·
I should elaborate. I've never ACTUALLY cheated, because I think it's wrong. I feel guilty even having feelings for more than one person at the same time. In the end, my morals end up winning out over my passions. And I'm not trying to pin this on anybody, nor do I want to.
 
#9 ·
I think INFPs have a concept of love that we fear may not exist out of our imagination, we may b prone to move on from infatuations when we realize they don't measure up to our expectations and we want to stay true to that idea of love. So we're not really cheating because we want to follow our heart, but at the same time we're breaking the promise of accepting the person for who they are and not trying to seek the thrill and intensity of the beginning of an infatuation. I think there's a lot of confusion, time and time again we feel we've found true love and it's the most beautiful thing but it doesn't last. It's heartbreaking. It makes me so sad to think about, the fact that this is a recurring thing for me makes my idea of love flawed... so even the dream can shatter into a million pieces. Why do our feelings have to decide the truth of something?
 
#11 ·
@MajTom, I can very much relate to every word you say.

I've never cheated either but I've been a serial monogamist since my first real boyfriend in 1994. I tended to go from one heavy, long term relationship to another without taking time to breathe. I would wait it out and see if I found the man I wanted to marry and it never felt right, so I'd "fall in love" over and over again, thinking, hoping, I found him. I finally did get married and so far so good... we've been together 8 years. I have pledged to be with him forever so I take it very seriously. But I know that my track record isn't so good, so I always have that fear in the back of my mind of being swept away again and feeling helpless. I hope to never see that day. I would be devastated and probably want to die.

And I do know of an INFP who cheated. Actually cheated, had sex, etc. She was married with children too. They are now separated and I'm guessing eventually will get divorced.
 
#15 ·
I tended to go from one heavy, long term relationship to another without taking time to breathe. I would wait it out and see if I found the man I wanted to marry and it never felt right, so I'd "fall in love" over and over again, thinking, hoping, I found him. I finally did get married and so far so good... we've been together 8 years. I have pledged to be with him forever so I take it very seriously. But I know that my track record isn't so good, so I always have that fear in the back of my mind of being swept away again and feeling helpless. I hope to never see that day. I would be devastated and probably want to die.
That sounds awful. (not the marriage haha, the fear). I relate to that - I can't relate to marriage myself because infatuation literally ruins every sexual relationship I ever have. Friends are fine, but if I start going doe-eyed for you, it's just a matter of time before all hell breaks lose and I KNOW this before it happens, and it still happens. The person starts out as the most mysteriously perfect thing ever created by the twinkly finger tips of God, and six months later I'm bored of how predictable they are; how mundane their personality actually is and how shallow their interests now appear. Not that any of that is actually true, but it's the dichotomy of idealism that happens without fail, every single time.

It's the sole reason I cannot relate to marriage - I would take the most perfect mate and turn them into my arch nemesis if I was with them the rest of my life.
 
#12 ·
Just the fact the OP & @ethylester are saying they feel wary of their track record and wandering attractions despite never actually having cheated, and have internalized this as something bad about them or something to look out for, because it doesn't meet their strict moral standards, shows to me how unlikely they are to cheat. I don't want to speak to infps in general, but I'm going to go ahead and say I think infps are less likely to cheat or at least not more.
 
#13 ·
You don't have to take (all of) this personally but,
I'm sorry but I don't think this anywhere near related to INFP. I do think it can't be connected to any type per se, but if we must, then INFP would score very low on the likelyness-scale.

I'm fully committed to my SO and I never experienced being in love with 2 or more persons simultaneously, mainly because the one i'm in love with completely obsesses me and gives me a sort of tunnelvision. That is great for commitment, plus I do not have to look for other love or interest, so my head and heart are not able to occupy themselves with someone else, while they are busy all day deeply loving my SO. I know this works for her somewhat like this as well, she's also INFP. It gives great confidence and we never ever have lost trust in each other, not for a moment, when it comes to cheating. Might I add we live 400 miles apart, in different countries, so we cannot keep an eye on that either, but its simply not needed! :) ... this is one of the reasons the long distance relationship is not hard at all for us. We ''only'' have to deal with missing each other terribly.

I hope this could be for you as well. However I would start thinking that, if your heart would wonder off, that you haven't found your true lover? But if you haven't then you should probably not be with someone too.
When I don't feel the true deep love (and you ''know'' when its there or not) then I can't be with someone and I can't say ''i love you'' to them.
Maybe you should start looking there, before thinking that it is about being INFP, because then you somewhat make an excuse for your tendencies/feelings and find an easier way out.
 
#14 ·
I understand where you're coming from, but I think if it came down to cheating or breaking up, I would choose breaking up...simply because it's the easier of the two options. One requires lying, organizing and trusting someone who has no qualms about cheating in the first place; not to mention perpetuating a relationship that clearly has issues for no other reason than being too scared to end it. The other doesn't.

I value loyalty. I think most people here do too, so while my mind might be fucking you upside down and inside out, I'll behave until my actions aren't going to cause hurt.
 
#17 ·
Impossible. Fi would destroy me for years and I'd constantly be trying to figure out how to patch up the holes I'd made as a result. In a relationship, I'd strive to ensure that it works.

If the love is more of a harmful trap than love, however, I'd be more willing to cut off emotional limbs and let the relationship disappear than eat the cheese and leave the sharp guilt attached.

Besides, two's company and three's a crowd. The emotional drain would be intense.
 
#18 ·
I think it totally depends on your Introverted Feeling. The way I see it, the what constitutes the Fi, the core values, of an INFP is the number one factor determining what kind of person the INFP ends up being. I think this is part of the reason you can find wildly different INFPs, while for example INFJs appear to almost always be same person.

If an INFP has unshakeable belief in science, he can appear quite like an INTP for example, because he would probably appreciate reason and try to sound like a thinker to honor his conviction, although this conviction might be emotionally justified, which at any rate would be hard to reveal.

As this is also the matter of infidelity. If it's part of the INFP's core values, he would never be unfaithful, even if you were to threaten him or her.
 
#21 · (Edited)
Very good point actually.

I know an infp irl whose core value mostly seems to be "true to herself" and seeking both self-expression despite sometimes stepping on others to do so. Or just being totally oblivious to personal responsibility for how she effects others. sometimes it seems bordering on spite. The story I'm going to share details her strange way of cheating on someone without any personal responsibility being taken.

She was dating a guy who was really into her in a "I wanna be with you" way and she was getting bored with him/thinking she could do better. But despite using that fact to factor into many of her decisions regarding him, such as being frustrated or irritated when he asked for time from her, and expressing her disinterest many times to me, she didn't want to say so to him. She'd just do things like roll her eyes or make little fights about nothing to push him away, & instigate fights with her bad attitude so she could make him out to be a clingy jerk & say "I'm just really upset about this, I can't deal with you right now." Then she'd just disappear for awhile, which by her rationale is because she isn't sure about him and can't be forced to be committed to him... but he doesn't know that! Meanwhile, she feels like a victim & totally justified, as he texts her confused apologies and takes all the blame for nothing.

So she the above, over a ridiculous reason, and says she just needs a break from him. I'll just say basically she made it seem like she was going to make time for him one day, and then she showed up and acted resentful that she was there, when she could have just not done so. He got irritated by her passive aggression. She pulled the "Wow what do you want from me, you ask for my time, then you get mad at me, I'm not obligated to do this for you." BTW she had already detailed to me times when he hung out with her and was kinda in a quiet/grumpy mood and she took it very personally and was very hurt. So she's a huge hypocrite. Cue her saying "I'm taking a break from you, I'll text you when I'm ready to talk again."

...But really there's another guy who she's had her eye on for some long time finally paying attention to her, and so she uses this "break" to spend time with this new guy & make out with him, while the poor boyfriend is trying to make up and is none the wiser to her real motives for the break. She's still dating him, and he thinks she's just thinking about their relationship or whatever, and she's seeing if she can do an upgrade. She spends the night at the new guy's place, during the middle of the night he asks her to give him a ride to his friend's house and she's like "so are you going to invite me in? You just used my car" and he's like "uhh... if you want I guess" but not talking or making eye contact with her, basically just trying to get rid of her after using her for transport, just strangely and indirectly, and she's like, "No, I'll go." And then comes back to her boyfriend, he completely unaware that she messed around with another guy or that he was basically on hold in case her new prospect fell through. And she just... totally erased that portion of it, her motives, how it effected her boyfriend, everything. and she just went back to soaking up his affection.

I was just appalled. I mean, she told me the whole thing, her motivations very transparent, and she didn't even try to hide them. She either was ok with being selfish and had no guilt about it, or didn't think she was selfish. Really, she presented the situation like she was a victim.

so my point is, some infp's can be selfish or unfaithful, it's just 4 letters.
 
#23 · (Edited)
To me, it's a simple rule. I've been there too. Got my heart trodden on, as well as seeing someone almost cheated with me, cos I was in a vulnerable stage of my life, to actually seeing somebody also that was "multiple timing" me... He has a fan base and had strings of girls after him. I remember this much, and I don't know why I remember it. I never want to be "that" person who actually fluff someone up and then walk away. I know that it can happen a lot when you are young and that it can and anyone can indeed be uncertain on how things went, but you can feel it. If you can feel the emotions that goes with the situation then you know what is right or wrong. Sometimes when guys do nice things for me, I can tell too, and have to remind myself to draw a bit of a boundary also. There is also a kind of respect I notice of them to me, and of me to them etc. You just know when someone is interested in you.

Fi can emotionally cheat, but you can always tell even when someone emotionally connect with you, on what level of cheating. Maybe cos I was brought up in an emotionally empathetic environment that I know when someone is overstepping that line of emotional intimacies. Some topics you just dont talk about and go into any way. Nor do you show them because you have that same kind of love for them as a partner would...

I always hated to see when somebody is not that self aware of themselves too... of when someone is deeply hurt, such that, you let someone drive you a certain way in life, cos it ends up you being more manipulated than you think.

[Added] This is one of the better threads which is realistic, and true to. With people being so honest here. To me, unless you have "felt" that emotion and been in someone else's shoes, then how do you know the effect that you have on someone else ? Whether your action is right or it is wrong ? To those who have been there and was led up the garden path by someone else, only to realise that their feelings will be trodden on, should know that strict boundary. Love is not just giving those lovely feelings out. Love is also being there for somebody else too when they share their emotions with you... Love is also going through the exact emotions as you experience something together for the first time. Those who had an outlook for their own feelings only, or those who steals other peoples' emotions only wouldn't know themselves well and so forth.

For those threads about "friend zone". Please learn.... and yes, you can indeed be there for somebody without putting your entire emotional self into that particular friendship, and yes, you can indeed fall in love with somebody without them hurting you. Or without not realising who made you feel good in the first place and why etc.
 
#24 ·
No, you do share all the ingredients necessary for cheating, you only fantasize about it though since you're introverted. Extroverted feeling types are more likely to cheat, but then again it depends on the definition of cheating, some call it "serial monogamy that lasts 5 days". I guess Extroverted Passive Feelers are the most likely to cheat, while Extroverted Judging Feelers will approach the serial monogamy theory. IN general, ofc, it's very poorly correlated to type if they actually do it or not, that's more of a personal choice.
 
#25 ·
the idealist...

aka my ideal man would be someone who is like tony stark..he'd be 5'10 to 6 feet tall..attractive..manly demeanor..smells oh so good.. his smile is kind of a half smile half something..its so mysterious..you dont know what the hell he is smiling about but you would rather "feel" it..physically..when he walks into a room, people stare..but he only walks towards me and looks at me only.
in the sheets he is dominating..yet he pleases me and doesnt forget im there too, instead of just focusing only on himself..
at night we look at the stars and talk about life..he knows almost everything..he knows every constellation by heart and tells me the moons of every planet i ask him about.
its almost like my soul is intertwined literally into his soul and we are one person instead of seperate entities..

waking up from that..dream...

seeing your s.o. is far from your ideal..he is okay and not great..he does little things that piss you off. you expect things to get better, that he learn from it..but he doesnt. he keeps repeating the same things..

the one day out of nowhere fate trolls you and sends you a mini replica of your ideal man (only reduced to a more realistic extent)..

what do you do, infp? hmm?
 
#26 ·
the idealist...

aka my ideal man would be someone who is like tony stark..he'd be 5'10 to 6 feet tall..attractive..manly demeanor..smells oh so good.. his smile is kind of a half smile half something..its so mysterious..you dont know what the hell he is smiling about but you would rather "feel" it..physically..when he walks into a room, people stare..but he only walks towards me and looks at me only.
in the sheets he is dominating..yet he pleases me and doesnt forget im there too, instead of just focusing only on himself..
at night we look at the stars and talk about life..he knows almost everything..he knows every constellation by heart and tells me the moons of every planet i ask him about. .....
You can have that in real life... :)
But I like how you tell a story... You have to reciprocate though....

"Oh my, you know a lot about stars, don't you?" *swoon*

And that note about the sheets... sorry, I'm still eating my imaginary dinner... >.< !
 
#29 ·
I have never technically cheated, no, but after many years of commitment, one tends get a little a stir-crazy. I'm sure any personality type can cop to that feeling. Anyway, it passes, and I'm careful to avoid putting myself in sticky situations.

That said, sometimes I'm afraid my ENFP husband (who despises cheating) will start to wander. This is to due with insecurity on my part, but also my understanding of the ability dom-Ne has to see so much potential in (with) others and has a very broad scope of appreciation.

Also, I know myself well enough to know that if I cheated, I wouldn't be able to keep myself from telling the truth. I cannot stand being deceptive, even more than I cannot stand the thought of cheating. I hate the idea of hurting my husband that way, as well. So, I sort of feel like cheating is a line I don't want to step over, because it will completely rock my world and my husband's.
 
#31 ·
I don't know if I am an INFP but after much research about its cognitive functions and that the results online (tho potentially inaccurate) have pointed me towards it, I have came to accept it. I have always condemn the thought of cheating and even as I grow with age I see no reason valid enough to justify it. I don't think that cheating is correlational to our MBTI preferences, it is merely a difference in values. I also think that it is a matter of self control (physical or emotional) and to the extent of where our loyalty lies. It is a sad thing to be honest... And where so many people are pursuing some sort of indestructible love that is going to last them through old age it is puzzling to see that many don't know what is the true meaning of "through thick and thin".
 
#32 ·
Dreamers are either dreaming of someone else, or dreaming about the one their with.

The dreamer dreams the one he's with is his soulmate, and sculpts her flaws into armor protecting herself from him. He imagines that her hair is flowing, regardless of wind direction. He knows that no matter what she would be there for him.

When a dreamer can see beyond his dreams, he finds that his painting is more flawed than he remembered.
The brush strokes are imperfect, and the eyes aren't quite as blue as he remembered. With her golden carapace removed, the dreamer begins to dream. He dreams of another angel, and he begins his quest to slay the great demon before him that he created.

Dreamers are curious people, and when they awake they're always in someone elses dream. A never ending cycle of infatuation, resentment, and guilt can plague the unwary dreamer. Soon the dreamer no longer sleeps, and he can no longer dream. So he lives in the real world, and he discovers his dreams were surrounding him all the time.
 
#33 ·
Absolutely, completely and utterly incompatible with my value system, to the point that I felt physically sick reading adverseaffects' story. If that ever happened to me directly, I would very single-mindedly hammer home every bit of the pain they caused me until they were well past the point of crocodile tears and actually felt it in their core. (Or maybe I wouldn't, because it's not like I can stop caring for people either - but I would have the impulses.) If I noticed it happening to someone else I would inform whoever it was without question nor regard for the potential fallout.

Monkey-branching women who manipulatively frame themselves as victims and look for upgrades, with no accountability for the damage they cause. Selfish and apathetic players who pursue women indiscriminately with a devil-may-care attitude, and leave each none the wiser to their position in the harem. Both are anathema to me and I would gladly see the world rid of them.

Even the many shades-of-grey situations leave a bitter taste in my mouth however. Because here's the thing: we can't choose who we're attracted to, but we can choose how we deal with it. It's unreasonable to expect not to be attracted to other people nor for your interest in your current partner to fluctuate. We are, after all, only human... but even so. Many people will likely have very different opinions to mine, but if you can't even so much as be decent enough to be open and tell the other person how you're feeling - whether it be to break up before becoming involved with someone else, or to try and work things out between the two of you - then you have no business being in a committed relationship in the first place. This kind of thing can damage people permanently, or at the very least for many years.
 
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