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I keep reading all these things about people having difficulty keeping up a relationship with an ISFJ.
I can somewhat understand their situations and reasons why their relationship didn't work out but it all makes it seem like ISFJs are inadequate partners because of their lack of communication or simply their detachment from others.
I'm not exactly sure what to thin of that; can someone enlighten me please?
 

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I keep reading all these things about people having difficulty keeping up a relationship with an ISFJ.
I can somewhat understand their situations and reasons why their relationship didn't work out but it all makes it seem like ISFJs are inadequate partners because of their lack of communication or simply their detachment from others.
I'm not exactly sure what to thin of that; can someone enlighten me please?

I think it has a lot more to do with each individual relationship than it does with type. I've read posts describing great relationships with ISFJs and bad relationships with them. I think this is probably true in every type's forum.

The thing is that people are more likely to post about the bad ones because they come to sites like PerC looking for information and advice. When people are in a good relationship, they're not as likely to post about it.
 

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I think it's because we tend to be passive aggressive. We avoid conflict. So we don't speak things out and assume things will get better. But it's actually not.
Definately something any person needs to make sure they keep in check.. One the most important things in relationship is communication. I know that for me i have an incredibly hard time making a conflict situation. I sometimes lie awake for hours for a night or two when it need to happen asking myself "is this the correct thing to do"

I think it has a lot more to do with each individual relationship than it does with type. I've read posts describing great relationships with ISFJs and bad relationships with them. I think this is probably true in every type's forum.

The thing is that people are more likely to post about the bad ones because they come to sites like PerC looking for information and advice. When people are in a good relationship, they're not as likely to post about it.
Just wanted to say that this is very likely the case. The same trend does happen in the INFJ sub-forum.

ps

I first mistyped myself as an ISFJ and eventually found my way. I decided to see what was going on here after so long and say hello. so... ^^ hello
 

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I definitely agree with Hello317 about the Passive Aggression and how it can annoy a lot of people.
I also personally have a tendency to get mood swings and switch from one mood to the other often and also I have a huge tendency to be slightly clingy to the point where I am their mom instead of their friend, but it's just that I have this natural urge to nurture my friends.
 

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Yes, I think we are difficult to be in a relationship with. We restrain from expressing too many opinions in fear of offending anyone (which is what engages Se, Ne and Ni), so we are poor at small talk and appear boring at first impression. Additionally, more males are Thinkers than Feelers so it makes relationships rather challenging. The feeling function makes us require constant empathy and warmth, which to a Thinker that comes off as needy and is ultimately too much work to put up with. Additionally, if we don't have our emotional needs met, we feel unappreciated in a relationship and hence unhappy. I agree, that we tend to be motherly to those we care about. Which really doesn't help in a relationship, b/c a lot of guys see that as eagerness for marriage but more for that sake of marriage as an institution than b/c of the connection with another human. Which 1) is unfair to us b/c a serious relationship may not be what we are ready for either but we none the less looks like we are and 2) we are in fact more interested in the connection than the institution.
 

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I think it's because we tend to be passive aggressive. We avoid conflict. So we don't speak things out and assume things will get better. But it's actually not.
I can agree with this being in a 2 year relationship with an ISFJ. What would you think would be the best way to get an ISFJ to speak about their emotions. Normally, I can get her to tell me what's on her mind, or get her to yell at me, whatever(anything is better than passive aggressive), but I might not be going about it the best way. My checklist is as follows:
1. Politely ask her what's wrong
2. Give her some time to tell me if she refuses, followed by affection if applicable
3. Repeat once more
4. Purposefully provoke her into an argument as a last resort, where I can finally figure out what's wrong.
 

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I can agree with this being in a 2 year relationship with an ISFJ. What would you think would be the best way to get an ISFJ to speak about their emotions. Normally, I can get her to tell me what's on her mind, or get her to yell at me, whatever(anything is better than passive aggressive), but I might not be going about it the best way. My checklist is as follows:
1. Politely ask her what's wrong
2. Give her some time to tell me if she refuses, followed by affection if applicable
3. Repeat once more
4. Purposefully provoke her into an argument as a last resort, where I can finally figure out what's wrong.
I can't speak for all ISFJs, but for me, I usually want to talk about my emotions....but it's that it has to be someone that I feel I can trust completely with them. When I'm not talking about them, it's because I'm afraid of what the other person will think. A lot of times I feel a lot better if I can just all of my emotions out without being judged or told what to do about them. Then, usually once I've kind of gotten them all off my chest, I'm more likely to listen to the advice and reason that someone is willing to offer.

I've noticed that with thinkers, particularly NTs...they want to give the advice and logic right from the beginning, while the emotion is still inside of me. At those times, I can't think straight because the emotion is just too powerful. I don't think NTs tend to experience this as much, so sometimes it doesn't make sense to them. But I think ISFJs feel this pretty strongly since we're feelers with dominant Si.

I do think if people are going to be in a relationship they have to establish that trust strongly enough for them to be able to tell each other about important issues, so I can see why you use the methods you do. It's good that you only use the arguments as a last resort, and I understand that sometimes it's necessary. But if your girlfriend is anything like me, sometimes I think it's helpful to try to see exactly why it is she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about the particular issue...because she might want to talk to someone about it, but there might be a reason why she doesn't want to tell you about it.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I can agree with this being in a 2 year relationship with an ISFJ. What would you think would be the best way to get an ISFJ to speak about their emotions. Normally, I can get her to tell me what's on her mind, or get her to yell at me, whatever(anything is better than passive aggressive), but I might not be going about it the best way. My checklist is as follows:
1. Politely ask her what's wrong
2. Give her some time to tell me if she refuses, followed by affection if applicable
3. Repeat once more
4. Purposefully provoke her into an argument as a last resort, where I can finally figure out what's wrong.
I think affection should go through from the first to third, I agree with teddy, I'm really stubborn about getting close to people, I can't trust anyone unless I really want to, in that case I try to open up to them the best I can. My worst fear is to be judged by the person I like so if you haven't done it much maybe opening up to her as well will help the whole process. Spend some quiet time just talking to her with no distractions and give her time to think and respond. The easier you get through a problem and the more comforted she feels, gives you a better chance at gaining her trust.
 

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I What would you think would be the best way to get an ISFJ to speak about their emotions.
I'm really not comfortable talking about my emotions. There's nothing you could do if I really don't wanna say it. ^_^

Teddy said it. One of the main reasons I refuse to share my emotions is because I'm afraid of being judged. I also don't wish to hear your advise if I didn't ask for it. At least not right at that moment. I just wanna share it and you just have to listen and give reassurance/affection.
:happy:
 

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I keep reading all these things about people having difficulty keeping up a relationship with an ISFJ.
I can somewhat understand their situations and reasons why their relationship didn't work out but it all makes it seem like ISFJs are inadequate partners because of their lack of communication or simply their detachment from others.
I'm not exactly sure what to thin of that; can someone enlighten me please?
Old post, but wanted to chime in. People grow. I know my wife has. Also, being a mother has made her more bold and expressive.

She knows I like to get things out in the opinion and hate dwelling on conflict (because if its on my mind for to long, i'll over analyze and make a simple thing worse) so she helps to open up more. That said, I also try to give her time to process. I tell you, it's nothing like silence and my N, that makes me aware of when theres a problem. I think that helps because otherwise she probably would remain silent and it would build up and manifest in some other form. Probably sudden anger for not picking up my dirty socks or not folding the blanket when I'm done with it for the night.
 

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I can't speak for all ISFJs, but for me, I usually want to talk about my emotions....but it's that it has to be someone that I feel I can trust completely with them. When I'm not talking about them, it's because I'm afraid of what the other person will think. A lot of times I feel a lot better if I can just all of my emotions out without being judged or told what to do about them. Then, usually once I've kind of gotten them all off my chest, I'm more likely to listen to the advice and reason that someone is willing to offer.

I've noticed that with thinkers, particularly NTs...they want to give the advice and logic right from the beginning, while the emotion is still inside of me. At those times, I can't think straight because the emotion is just too powerful. I don't think NTs tend to experience this as much, so sometimes it doesn't make sense to them. But I think ISFJs feel this pretty strongly since we're feelers with dominant Si.

I do think if people are going to be in a relationship they have to establish that trust strongly enough for them to be able to tell each other about important issues, so I can see why you use the methods you do. It's good that you only use the arguments as a last resort, and I understand that sometimes it's necessary. But if your girlfriend is anything like me, sometimes I think it's helpful to try to see exactly why it is she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about the particular issue...because she might want to talk to someone about it, but there might be a reason why she doesn't want to tell you about it.
I wish someone had told me about this when I first started dating her. In the beginning, I would literally try to prove to her logically why her emotions were inappropriate to the situation. I've improved, but I think I still tend to judge/try to fix it in the very beginning some. I'll try to just validate her emotions more, so maybe she'll be more likely to open up to me without so much work over time.
 

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I can't speak for all ISFJs, but for me, I usually want to talk about my emotions....but it's that it has to be someone that I feel I can trust completely with them. When I'm not talking about them, it's because I'm afraid of what the other person will think. A lot of times I feel a lot better if I can just all of my emotions out without being judged or told what to do about them. Then, usually once I've kind of gotten them all off my chest, I'm more likely to listen to the advice and reason that someone is willing to offer.

I've noticed that with thinkers, particularly NTs...they want to give the advice and logic right from the beginning, while the emotion is still inside of me. At those times, I can't think straight because the emotion is just too powerful. I don't think NTs tend to experience this as much, so sometimes it doesn't make sense to them. But I think ISFJs feel this pretty strongly since we're feelers with dominant Si.

I do think if people are going to be in a relationship they have to establish that trust strongly enough for them to be able to tell each other about important issues, so I can see why you use the methods you do. It's good that you only use the arguments as a last resort, and I understand that sometimes it's necessary. But if your girlfriend is anything like me, sometimes I think it's helpful to try to see exactly why it is she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about the particular issue...because she might want to talk to someone about it, but there might be a reason why she doesn't want to tell you about it.
You took the words and thoughts out of my wife's mouth.
 

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ISFJ brothers and sisters, I'm ENTP and trust me if I didn't try to figure what would it be like to be an ISFJ, I would have left this guy--who later I found him out to be an ISFJ (thought first place he was ESTP, no INFJ, but apparently an ISFJ, lol).
It's like everytime I want to tell him these...
"tell me what you want",
"don't hide yourself",
"why caring what others would feel eventually they will understand or at least realize the truth if you just floor it right now",
"if you wanna kiss me, don't wait 'till I tear your shirt off",
"if you want to be with me but you're busy, tell me, I'll fully understand",
"why can't you just smile to new people you meet!",
"why you ask me the things that's been clear enough",
"why talking too much if you're just goaling on a single simple point?"
"talk talk talk, tell me tell me tell me"
"stop all those paperworks if you really miss me right now and want to take me out and take bites on some durians"

If I didn't try to work on understanding and communication, I would have flown away and lingered with many other more attractive guys.
ISFJ's are in fact really really opposite of me, but I guess this is one of the reasons why our under-the-blanket actions rock, no prior to my own scientific test anyway, but I get the feelings, it's like something cosmic, lol ;)
 

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Hello there ISFJs...how is everyone?

So, I need some advice from some ISFJ's with an ISFJ I'm currently entangled with. I'm an INTP. She has some major trust issues, branching from past relationships, and from apparent things I've kept from her. I must share everything I do on the internet if it's dealing with social sites, simply to share it with her. And if I have nothing to share with her, she finds it odd...and thinks I'm hiding something. I am one of the most open persons I know, bluntly honest about absolutely everything, never letting something go unobserved, trying to make sure everything is understood...but I just can't understand her...at least that's what she says.

So, my question is, how do I prove to her that I have nothing to hide? That my door is open to her and she can walk in any time she likes? I am a man of understanding, and in my opinion, I must understand to learn. I want to straighten this out not just to better my understanding, but to strengthen this relationship.

It seems our problem lies within our communication. When she asks a question, I answer. If she doesn't like that answer or it's not close to the answer she had in her head, she tries to reword the same question, making it sound different. But, to my logical INTP mind, it's the same question, so I answer it accordingly with the same answer. This tends to just make her give up, as she's not getting the answer, but how can someone get the correct answers if they only ask one question, or asking the same question repeatedly?

Any information would be helpful...I am simply trying to understand her better. I love her to death, I'd do anything for her, I just don't want to give up because of some misunderstandings...ya know?
 

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@StoopidMunky11 I'm only guessing but what you see as rejecting an answer because "it's not close to the answer she had in her head" is likely wrong, you have just misunderstood the question. I had a friend who no matter how hard I described a monkey he'd swear I was talking about a lion - it was impossible for us to discuss anything without checking constantly that we understood what the other was trying to say.

What you need to do when you get a reworded question is switch from your first answer - assume you were coming at it from the wrong angle and try again. Free your Ne :laughing: Silly example: She asks you to describe a banana and your first answer is it's a bright yellow fruit of around 8 inches long. If this answer is rejected maybe she meant a peeled banana? The description is now it is soft and pale yellow and tastes great in oatmeal. Completely different answer but no less logically correct. If you keep thinking of new answers hopefully she'll see that you're trying and not give up, once you've worked through a couple of these situations you should get some idea what it is she's looking for in an answer, which will make her more comfortable that you do understand.

Another thing that works for me during a misunderstanding is humour - laugh at yourself for being unable to understand, after all there's no rush. Learning to communicate is part of a relationship so try to enjoy it :happy:

The trust issues I'm not going to try to address, hopefully you know where they came from and understand why they are there. Some days are just uneventful, surely she knows this...
 

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@asmit127
I think you're absolutely right. Maybe, instead of repeating the same answer, I rethink it myself and try to come up with a better answer, or something she may not know. I'm quick-witted when it comes to that, so I should have no problem whatsoever. I know I am dedicated to this relationship and getting everything to work smoothly, but even I know it's not going to be smooth all the time. Every smooth surface has a bump somewhere. It's just, I know we're on the same page, just backward...or on opposite ends. Me being an INTP and her ISFJ, I have her weaknesses as my strong points, and she has mine. I know as one, we can become one powerful unit...once we get passed this misunderstanding stage. Thank you very much for your reply...I appreciate it greatly
 

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Hello there ISFJs...how is everyone?

So, I need some advice from some ISFJ's with an ISFJ I'm currently entangled with. I'm an INTP. She has some major trust issues, branching from past relationships, and from apparent things I've kept from her. I must share everything I do on the internet if it's dealing with social sites, simply to share it with her. And if I have nothing to share with her, she finds it odd...and thinks I'm hiding something. I am one of the most open persons I know, bluntly honest about absolutely everything, never letting something go unobserved, trying to make sure everything is understood...but I just can't understand her...at least that's what she says.

So, my question is, how do I prove to her that I have nothing to hide? That my door is open to her and she can walk in any time she likes? I am a man of understanding, and in my opinion, I must understand to learn. I want to straighten this out not just to better my understanding, but to strengthen this relationship.

It seems our problem lies within our communication. When she asks a question, I answer. If she doesn't like that answer or it's not close to the answer she had in her head, she tries to reword the same question, making it sound different. But, to my logical INTP mind, it's the same question, so I answer it accordingly with the same answer. This tends to just make her give up, as she's not getting the answer, but how can someone get the correct answers if they only ask one question, or asking the same question repeatedly?

Any information would be helpful...I am simply trying to understand her better. I love her to death, I'd do anything for her, I just don't want to give up because of some misunderstandings...ya know?
I think this thread explains some of it:

http://personalitycafe.com/isfj-forum-nurturers/41333-tell-me-how-make-my-isfj-hubby-happy.html

I think the other thing that may be affecting this is just the differences in emotion vs. logic. Even though I can be very logical, I really do need to have my emotions tended to before I can look at situations logically. There have been many times where I've been able to convince myself of something logically, but I still won't believe it because my feelings are just too strong. If I can somehow get my emotional needs tended to, then I can think more clearly about the situation.


So I'd probably have to hear a more specific example of what you're referring to before I can say much else.
 
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