Personality Cafe banner

Are my kids going to hate me???

[ESFJ] 
6K views 31 replies 23 participants last post by  snail 
#1 ·
Alright, I'm new to the forum, and was finally labelled officially as ESFJ, though I'm right at the halfway between S and and N, so it can go either way.

I'm only 23 and not currently pregnant, a parent or with any immediate plans to be either, but I have been reading through and I'm getting really freaked out by how many of you hate your ESFJ mothers because it sounds exactly like my mother (the implications of me possibly having the same personality type as her are too much for me to bear right now) and I always swore I would NEVER NEVER NEVER do things like she did to my kids. Now, all I hear is that all of you people hate you mothers, and as someone who would like my one-day-in-the-distant-future kids to not feel desperate to leave me at a moment's notice, I just thought I would post and see if there is ANYONE who has a good relationship with their ESFJ mother. Most of the people complaining seem to be Introverts, but I can't really predispose my future offspring to a particular type to avoid their hating me...
 
  • Like
Reactions: snail and punky16
Discussion starter · #6 ·
As an ENFP with an ESFJ mom, I think it highly depends on two things: 1. the personality types of your kids and 2. whether or not you are a healthy ESFJ or an unhealthy one.

1. As an ENFP, I hate hate hate hate being controlled. My mom was all about being in control all the time and saw our relationship with her being "up here" and me being "down there" and therefore she could treat me as shittily as she wanted and still have the right to be extremely angry at me if I ever retaliated. She was also a neat freak and I obviously am not, and when I wasn't able to keep my room clean she would actually take it personally. She's also huge on rules, etc. while I'm very free-spirited so it was a constant battle. (Keep in mind that I was NOT a difficult child-- we're talking straight A student, didn't drink, etc.) But if I was an SJ type (like both my sisters) many of these issues would not have existed.

2. She was not mentally healthy, which made all her less desirable ESFJ traits come out full force, like guilt manipulation, etc. and just getting ridiculously upset over everything. Someone healthier wouldn't take it to such an extreme and, for example, scream at their child for leaving the shower curtain pulled back, or the bathroom towel crooked-- but those are the kind of things she would get unbearably upset over.

With that said, I've lived with two ESFJs and am friends with others and I love them all... probably because they are not in a position of authority over me, and also because they are sane! So basically I think it depends, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. Being aware of your personality type and its strengths and weaknesses will give you a huge leg up in figuring out the best way to raise your kids.
My mother is also not really in her right mind. However, I am very conscious of the liklihood that I could be driven to that extreme and I see no incentive to have kids if I'm going to be their worst enemy like she was for me. I am a bit of a neat freak but I'm also free-spirited and she has had a hard time watching her only daughter move across the country and live in her car for awhile. I thought it might also have something to do with being a single parent and raising an only child, but apparently people can't stand you regardless. I was also a pretty out of control kid, so I do plan to be well-disciplined with my kids, but I feel like I would obviously respect them a lot more since I'll always remember what a nut my mother was/is.

I also wonder if there is a higher propensity for daughters to hate their ESFJ mums than sons. It seems like most guys let things roll off of them more easily... but then again the whole purpose to this site is highlighting the fact that my last statement is probably completely flawed.
 
Discussion starter · #12 ·
Just accept the fact that if you are a mother and you have a daughter, your daughter is going to hate you and crush your heart at some point. This goes beyond type. Parenting is NOT for the weak.
Hence why I'd much rather have a house full of boys than girls... but apparently boys hate their mums too.
 
Discussion starter · #13 ·
I'm 84% sure my mother is an ESFJ, so I'll try to give some input. Well, she isn't a terrible mother at all. Actually, she's really amazing in a lot of ways.

Of course there are a few areas that we butt heads. She has a strong attachment to traditional value systems. I guess her motto would be "things are the way they are because that's just the way they are." When I would suggest that values are arbitrary she would never respond well. It was like I shook her cage a bit. I just learned to keep my thoughts to myself. No need to cause unnecessary turmoil.

Also, she doesn't always realize how certain actions affect others. She used to try making plans for me but I quickly voiced my objection to that(This might be an ENTJ/ESFJ thing). She never had bad intentions, she just doesn't see things the way I do.

The thing is that so many associate the ESFJ with strict adherance to rules and traditions... but I don't think of myself that way. I personally think a stupid rule is fine to break and while I appreciate tradition I think I'm a lot more 'go with the flow' than most ESFJ. That might be where my EXFJ comes in...
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top