Personality Cafe banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
125 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi all. I don't post much in here because I think I lean slightly more towards being INTP than INFP. That said, I have something which I suspect is more of an INFP issue.

If someone I care about is going through a tough time, I'm totally there for them. I've found, however, that if I'm the one going through tough times, no one is there for me.

Typical example: I have a friend whom I supported through a bad break up. 3am phone calls, letting her cry on my shoulder for several weeks, meeting her in cafés to talk about things for the 100th time, etc, etc.

A few months later, my father died very unexpectedly. I barely got so much as an "I'm sorry to hear that." :unsure:

This is just one example of many, with all sorts of different friends.

I tend not to complain too loudly or emotionally about my stuff. Maybe that's the problem? I need to be more melodramatic or something? I also never complain when I feel like people around me are being unsupportive. I feel too embarrassed to say anything.

I'm sorry to get all "woe is me" here, but I have to admit that it's starting to bother me.

Anyone else have this problem?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
Some people like to pretend like they care for my troubles. But it's fake so that does not count lol.
Others flat out don't care, and do not try to hide that! Self absorbed people lol.
Those are outta my life now.
I do have two friends who are there for me for real. They will help if they can.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
751 Posts
Me too. I have a tendency not to ask for help and to try and resolve issues myself. If I ask for help, then I don't straight up and ask. I usually relate my problem in a monologue fashion and ultimately leave the decision to give help up to the person I am relating my problem to. If they don't help, then I try not to resent and try and resolve the issue again myself from a different approach.

I wouldn't suggest going off on a "nobody cares" rant. I often come across in real life as someone who doesn't care about others as I seem to do nothing when I do simply because I have no solution to actually help them or no method to help them find themselves or an answer. Spouting the inadequacy of others in regards to providing emotional support may bring people to your side but may push others further away through loss of confidence or through self-doubt.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
337 Posts
I have the same problem. As far as life in general, I don't ask for help with anything, so I think is comes as a shock on the odd occassions when I could use some. Like people do't know how to react. And, as I usually hide my negative feelings, people REALLY don't know how to react when I do express them. I've gotten an actual double-take, almost like in a cartoon, from making a generic negative comment that gets no such response when it comes from someone else. Which has made me even less likey to ask for help, unless I just really have no other choice.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
indeed..most people dont really understand my problems because if i talk about my problem i will get really into it. and thats just a mess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
125 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Me too. I have a tendency not to ask for help and to try and resolve issues myself. If I ask for help, then I don't straight up and ask. I usually relate my problem in a monologue fashion and ultimately leave the decision to give help up to the person I am relating my problem to. If they don't help, then I try not to resent and try and resolve the issue again myself from a different approach.

I wouldn't suggest going off on a "nobody cares" rant. I often come across in real life as someone who doesn't care about others as I seem to do nothing when I do simply because I have no solution to actually help them or no method to help them find themselves or an answer. Spouting the inadequacy of others in regards to providing emotional support may bring people to your side but may push others further away through loss of confidence or through self-doubt.
Yep, the top paragraph is pretty much me too.

I was kidding about being more melodramatic. I mean, it'd probably work, but it's not something I would actually do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,835 Posts
indeed they are,i have great friends and i'm thankful they listen and care:happy:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Stillwater

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,401 Posts
My parents are typically there for me, but no, my friends really aren't.
I can, like you said, rush to meet someone for coffee after they do something stupid or pick them up and take them places but they will never ever return the favor.

I probably just need new friends.

But could it be the way we get so stand-offish at times?

I don't know. My friend likes to brag and analyze people and overall, pretend he's super impressive. Well, at a party (I know, odd) he was saying all of his girl friends came to him with their problems because he's SO good at dealing with them and I said, "I never ever come to you with my problems." He said, "I didn't even think you HAD problems. Like, seriously, what's wrong with your life?"
Of course, that was infuriating. But maybe we're just not open enough?
 
  • Like
Reactions: SenhorFrio and Acey

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,276 Posts
Most people don't have the capacity to care anywhere near the extent an INFP cares. So what we often get from others is much less than what we would give. There are a lot of people that could care less about others much less strangers. They would only help if it benefited them in same way.

To answer you question the answer is NO. People are not there for me even in simple matters much less the heavy matters. I have one friend that does seem to care right now. But I have been through years where people would say they would be there for me but when I ask they were not. Guess what? Those people got the boot right out of my life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
For me, the answer is NO. And I haven't had a friend like that in decades.

I think what I need is to find an INFP or two to be friends with. It seems like we are hard to find... even when we are looking for each other. Probably has something to do with the low distribution of us and our internal leanings.

I am truly the only INFP that I know (I mean in person, beyond this forum.) "And sometimes, it gets mighty lonesome."
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,624 Posts
Hi all. I don't post much in here because I think I lean slightly more towards being INTP than INFP. That said, I have something which I suspect is more of an INFP issue.

If someone I care about is going through a tough time, I'm totally there for them. I've found, however, that if I'm the one going through tough times, no one is there for me.

Typical example: I have a friend whom I supported through a bad break up. 3am phone calls, letting her cry on my shoulder for several weeks, meeting her in cafés to talk about things for the 100th time, etc, etc.

A few months later, my father died very unexpectedly. I barely got so much as an "I'm sorry to hear that." :unsure:

This is just one example of many, with all sorts of different friends.

I tend not to complain too loudly or emotionally about my stuff. Maybe that's the problem? I need to be more melodramatic or something? I also never complain when I feel like people around me are being unsupportive. I feel too embarrassed to say anything.

I'm sorry to get all "woe is me" here, but I have to admit that it's starting to bother me.

Anyone else have this problem?
I think if you're usually someone who doesn't talk about their issues or personal life, or are seen as "strong" people don't take the initiative to help you unless you directly ask.

Infps' and intps' have similar 'behind the scenes' communication styles.. although I would say intps' are a little more inclined to be direct. But I know that sometimes "asking" is not the point, you'd expect some degree of support from a friend without having to explicitly say "I'd like you to support me more right now". I know I would hate to directly ask someone for support... for several reasons. It takes a lot of courage and I admire those who can do so.

I very rarely talk about my personal life with people, and I very much prefer to sort things out on my own. I don't like "help" or "support" because of my pride and ego I suppose, because I don't want to be a burden and also because I never grew up with "support" from friends or family, so I never learned to be comfortable with it.
It's taken me 19 years to realise everybody needs some degree of support during the times they need it. But I guess you have to be prepared to be emotionally open and thus vulnerable, in order to receive it. That, I find very difficult to do, as I don't suppose you do as well.

I think the only thing you can do, is to foster relationships with people where you both share what's going on. And you make it a habit to do so. So one person is not doing the listening all the time.
I think it comes down to the qualities and characteristics of the person, the relationship you foster, the communication flow within the relationship, and your willingness to be open. Not all people are willing to be supportive (best to consult someone with empathy... ) but sometimes given the chance, people are very happy to help. But they might need prompting. I know melodrama wouldn't work on me, but I would not feel angry if someone asked me "can you help" in fact, I'd much rather them ask directly for help then to fish around for it indirectly by doing things to get my attention.

I know we're (introverts) usually the ones who naturally do the listening, and I don't know about you, but I quite like that role :laughing: but sometimes it's a defense mechanism to constantly focus the shift on others and leave it at that.

I'm sorry about your father, River :sad:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Hi all. I don't post much in here because I think I lean slightly more towards being INTP than INFP. That said, I have something which I suspect is more of an INFP issue.

If someone I care about is going through a tough time, I'm totally there for them. I've found, however, that if I'm the one going through tough times, no one is there for me.

Typical example: I have a friend whom I supported through a bad break up. 3am phone calls, letting her cry on my shoulder for several weeks, meeting her in cafés to talk about things for the 100th time, etc, etc.

A few months later, my father died very unexpectedly. I barely got so much as an "I'm sorry to hear that." :unsure:

This is just one example of many, with all sorts of different friends.

I tend not to complain too loudly or emotionally about my stuff. Maybe that's the problem? I need to be more melodramatic or something? I also never complain when I feel like people around me are being unsupportive. I feel too embarrassed to say anything.

I'm sorry to get all "woe is me" here, but I have to admit that it's starting to bother me.

Anyone else have this problem?
I think NFs tend to be good listeners and very accepting, and thus we end up with friends dumping their problems on us. My former best friend went through a divorce and she called me non-stop, at all hours, and I was always there for her. I went through a really rough time a few years later and i felt that she wasn't there for me. I realize now that I didn't allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable with her, as I really didn't feel that I could trust her with my deepest feelings...It's hard to find people that you can "let in", but they will often find you and confide their troubles in you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,347 Posts
I've kind of learned to be self-sufficient and have taken pride in being that rock for everyone else. I notice that in romantic relationships though I can brunt over so much weight for the two of us that it's just immense. However, just like a dam with a leak, eventually it'll burst.

I feel like i'm more of an advice giver than a receiver and in that sense I'm damned (no pun intended). Even if someone was trying to comfort me it likely wouldn't help me, personally, BUT I do appreciate the effort and that means the world. Not enough to change the problem, but it's still nice. Then again, maybe that's all we really need anyways.

My silly recommendation? Pets are the best.
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
Only Selene, and sometimes I'm so frustrating during an emotional crisis that even he can't deal with me.

I doubt I could survive if my answer were "no," because I'm barely hanging in there even with one close friend to confide in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,786 Posts
Yes, people are there when I need them. I've had my car break down in the middle of nowhere and I've always been able to call people to pick me up. I've had to couch surf twice in my early 20's for a couple of months and found people to help.

The things that I've found is that I don't expect help from the people I help. Everyone one I help is like contributing to a large karmic pool. Sometimes, I need to draw some out and the various people in my life, some I don't even know that well, have come to help.

I don't expect any type of reciprocation from my friends mostly because I've stopped having friends - www.infpblog.com/relationships/friends/

It's so much easier and alot more fun to have an amorphous blob of relationships without divvying everyone up into friends, good friends, acquaintances, etc. I divide people into two groups: people I like spending time with and people I avoid. The people I like spending time with have always come through on the occasions I need them.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top