Are we most attracted to people of the enneagram types of our wings, and...?

10150 Views 41 Replies 31 Participants Last post by elixare, Jul 7, 2012

emerald sea

Discussion Starter · Apr 9, 2012

My tritype is tentative but the 7w6 may actually be 7w8.

If so, it's an odd coincidence that three of the enneagram types to which I find myself most attracted in others are the three types of my wings...5, 8, and 1. And the attraction is stronger if they have one or two of my main types {4, 7, and 9) somewhere in their tritype.

Just wondering if others find this true as well ~ attraction to people who have one of your wing types as their core type, as well as any of your types in their tritype...and, if so, what you belleve is the reason why...

Someone else mentioned a potential correlation between the wings and attraction in a thread last year...and that idea was intriguing....but I think it's more than just that, including shared types as well...

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sleepyhead

· #2 · Apr 9, 2012

You can see my type in my sig, but I really haven't noticed any correlation between people in my life and their Enneagram types. I know one 8 I find to be borderline abusive, and another 8 I work with is one of the people I admire most in the world for her compassion, patience, caring, understanding, and complete genuine character - they couldn't be more different. I have a lot of 6's in my life, but 6 is also the most common type. The only 4 in my personal life is my brother. I think the only thing I would say is I'm more typically drawn to withdrawn types, but that doesn't necessarily mean the classically withdrawn types (4, 5, 9 - my tritype) but people who are more withdrawn in general, which in my circle also includes a 1 and 2.

Enneagram only describes motivations, not beliefs or even necessarily the kind of person someone will be, especially with such a range when you include instincts, their wings, and levels of integration and disintegration - I can't say I've noticed any patterns in who I'm attracted to.

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zallla

· #3 · Apr 9, 2012

I have very little information on this issue in general but I'm 7w6 and my SO is 6w7 and we seem to be a great match - but of course other issues than our Enneagram types do contribute! Anyway, I think we balance each other perfectly; he makes my life more balanced and I bring more positivity, spirit of adventure and joy in his life.

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madhatter

· #4 · Apr 9, 2012

I don't know. I'm more drawn to assertive types to be honest. Depends on the type 6 too. My brother is type 6, and we're really close, but I couldn't see myself being in a romantic relationship with one. Maybe a cp6. My brother is an average phobic 6, and we spend too much time together, and he drives me crazy to say the least. The constant push-pull of the 6 can be very wearying.

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Promethea

· #5 · Apr 9, 2012

I'm a 6w7 (though many would say 6w5) -- I quite possibly have balanced wings.
I'm mostly drawn to 5s and 1s. 5s mostly, 1s a bit.

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SilentScream

· #6 · Apr 9, 2012

Hmmm ... personally, I recently realized that I'm a 3w4.

I'm not attracted to 2's for the most part. I'm quite self-reliant and don't like to depend on someone [financially or even emotionally - but that's changing] whereas 2's generally expect dependency from their partners to feel fulfilled. Even if I'm dependent on someone, I have a very hard time expressing that dependence on them, and find ways to assert my independence.

I'm not romantically attracted to 4's, but I find that they make great friends. I like to be a "rescuer" and generally 4's appreciate being 'rescued' even if temporarily. It works great as a friendship. As a whole --- I may not be able to make a relationship with a 4 work in the long term.

I love 9's. [Maybe a little bias 'cuz @Etherea is a 9]. She has a way of calming me down --- slowing me down a little. When my emotions are raging and my thoughts of self-doubt creep up ... her patience and acceptance acts as an unbreakable fortress. I've rarely overwhelmed her with my emotions ... and she helps me relax a little.

I know that in the future when I am employed again, I will probably fall back into my tendency to over-work myself. I have a feeling that she will get me to work at a normal pace instead.

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reletative

· #7 · Apr 9, 2012

Hmm...I'm a 5w6, 8w9, 3w2 married to a 6w7, 1w9, 3w2.

Jewl

· #8 · Apr 9, 2012

I like consistency, stability, and protection. A seriously phobic Six here. ^^ I find Nines wonderful. Something attractive there. I'm not certain about the other types, really. I just know somebody with level emotions, calm, not-worrying... that would be wonderful.

dulcinea

· #9 · Apr 9, 2012

I don't think I can draw really close to a 4; I've known a few people I've suspected to be 4's in my life; for some reason we never really became close. It might depend on the enneagram of the person, though....if they draw close to the people with they're wing type, that is.
I find I don't get too close to 5's in my experience either, mostly just intellectual repartee, but conversations often feel like they lack emotional openness to me. I don't really know any 1's but based on the description, it doesn't look like a type I'd grow very close to either, but it probably depends on the mbti type as well. 1's strike me as possibly being more likely to pick up on my mistakes, especially if they're not in a good mood; I can be extremely sensitive to the nitpicky kind of criticism.
The people I usually draw close to, are mostly 6's, and 2's, sometimes 7's, so I guess I like types that aren't in my tritype. I think my thing, is I'm very reserved, so I like 6's because they're usually very loyal friends, and I feel the need to have dependable people in my life; 2's because I find they draw me out; I find the enthusiasm of 7's pretty contagious, and they kind of bring out my more adventurous side and get my out of the house more.

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aconite

· #10 · Apr 10, 2012

I don't think so. My wing is 8, but I've never felt drawn to Eights (and vice versa). It's been mostly Fours and Threes, I believe, but I don't know whether it's a matter of my tritype or not.

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Wake

· #11 · Apr 10, 2012

Nope, wings haven't shown any sort of connection in terms of attraction.

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Dark Romantic

· #12 · Apr 10, 2012

seastallion said:
My tritype is tentative but the 7w6 may actually be 7w8.

If so, it's an odd coincidence that three of the enneagram types to which I find myself most attracted in others are the three types of my wings...5, 8, and 1. And the attraction is stronger if they have one or two of my main types {4, 7, and 9) somewhere in their tritype.

Just wondering if others find this true as well ~ attraction to people who have one of your wing types as their core type, as well as any of your types in their tritype...and, if so, what you belleve is the reason why...

Someone else mentioned a potential correlation between the wings and attraction in a thread last year...and that idea was intriguing....but I think it's more than just that, including shared types as well...

Interesting idea... in my case, it's the other way around; in real life, eights tend to be drawn to me, not the other way around. I find eights to be one of the easiest types to notice, though; 7s and 8s stick out quite clearly to me. I do find eights quite fascinating in person, though, more so than anyone else I know, so perhaps there's credence to your theory.

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Vivid Melody

· #13 · Apr 10, 2012

I believe it's just a combination of things. The whole tri-type in addition to their mbti type. I don't believe it is so simple though I do like 2's but what is not to like about them? I try to like most people. Hard to like mean people though. I am married to an ENFJ 6w7, 2w1, 1w9 and sometimes I would tell him I felt like he was the male version of myself (this was before I knew his mbti/enneagram). So for me, I guess I'm attracted to people who are similar to myself? lol That sounds awfully vain. There are just so many variables. Some people are attracted to their opposite. I feel like we are similar but complement each other in all the right areas. So, as it is with most things, it depends on the person

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OrangeAppled

· #14 · Apr 10, 2012

I know I am often attracted to 3s & 5s (and I'm a 4w5).

There is some study out there (if I remember it correctly) which shows people are very likely to marry along the line of integration, but no strong preference was shown for wings when choosing a marriage mate.

I found that interesting, but I personally don't find myself drawn to 1s & 2s for romances. I also don't have that draw to 9s like many 4s supposedly have (4+9 couples are rather common I guess).

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cyamitide

· #15 · Apr 11, 2012

Not necessarily attracted but I think people have more of an understanding with those who are of same type, have a wing into their type or wing, or whose types are on their path of integration or disintegration.

My type is 1w9 and I feel that I have most understanding with 1s, 9s, 4w3s, 3w4s, 7w6s, and 6w7s. I find it more difficult to relate to 2s, 5s, and 8s, simply because I have never been there myself where they are at. There are too few lines connecting us. Their inner emotional world, their fixations, their releases, their transformations, their goals and aspirations seem more foreign to me.

Because we prefer to associate with those who are familiar to us on some level, those whom we can understand and those who can understand us, it is quite likely that types gravitate towards similar types as well as those who are on their integration and disintegration path.

OrangeAppled said:
There is some study out there (if I remember it correctly) which shows people are very likely to marry along the line of integration, but no strong preference was shown for wings when choosing a marriage mate.

yep, this one: http://www.9types.com/writeup/enneagram_marriages.html

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Sara Torailles

· #16 · Apr 11, 2012

I've met too many self-righteous Ones to say I'm naturally attracted to them. I tried to be attracted to an unhealthy One out of a kind of pity (she had a crush on me), but it didn't work out.

I think I'm attracted to Threes, though. And Sevens. Fours, too.

And I do happen to be attracted to another One, but not because she's a One... In fact, the Oneness makes me have second thoughts with her.

One are great people, just never discuss anything that gets them morally touchy. I actually would not recommend Type 1 for a Type 9, because of the worst-case scenario:

Ones will get angry at you if they see anything that doesn't live up to their standards.
Nines respond with a passive, boiling anger since the One is clearly starting conflict over something miniscule. Nines biggest pet peeve is someone who starts conflict for no good reason.
Generally, the Nines disengage and try to forgive and forget. Ones keep on pushing. Both get frustrated with the other.
Nine generally blows up at the One after a while, having exhausted any capacity for patience.

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Stan the Woz

· #17 · Apr 11, 2012

I don't know the enneagram type of most of the people I've been attracted to. If I had to guess on the typing, though, I don't see any strong connection.

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perennialurker

· #18 · Apr 11, 2012

I am a 5w6 and I am quite taken with a 6w5. I know having this type alone is not enough, but I think it helps. I feel that she is able to understand and (hopefully) appreciate my more abstract, intellectual view of things because of her 5 wing. Meanwhile I know that my 6 wing helps me to understand her wariness and overriding need for stability. I think this shared type is at least one factor that makes her easy to understand and relate to, something that I as a 5 can really never find elsewhere.

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LibertyPrime

· #19 · Apr 11, 2012

Julia Bell said:
I like consistency, stability, and protection. A seriously phobic Six here. ^^ I find Nines wonderful. Something attractive there. I'm not certain about the other types, really. I just know somebody with level emotions, calm, not-worrying... that would be wonderful.

Yeah same here ^^. o.o not all that phobic thou, hmm a bit of counterphobe in me...which can be problematic at times. 9s really do seem like a pleasure to be around imo. Someone who isn't worrying like I do, someone who can see a silver lining

. 9s are also one of the other most common types.

zallla

· #20 · Apr 11, 2012

cyamitide said:
Because we prefer to associate with those who are familiar to us on some level, those whom we can understand and those who can understand us, it is quite likely that types gravitate towards similar types as well as those who are on their integration and disintegration path.

yep, this one: Demographics

Oh, thank you! That was very interesting... I'll paste the major findings here for the lazy ones

Major findings:

1. Marriage patterns are not random. For example, of all female 8s, 37% of them married male 9s, even though only 19% of all men were 9s. There are a lot of such pairings that happen at far above chance levels.

2. Same-type marriages are rare, occurring two times less often than expected by chance. "Birds of a feather" may flock together as friends, but apparently not in marriage. An interesting exception appears to be double-4 marriages, the only double-type pair to occur more often than chance (it is only 1/2 standard deviation above chance, so it is not colored in the above table).

3. Men and women choose very different personalities for their mates. Male 9s with female 4s are common (16 couples), while male 4s with female 9s are extremely rare (2 couples). Female 8s preferred male 9s, whereas Male 8s preferred 2s and 6s.

4. People marry along a line of integration 38% more often than chance. For example, 7-1 and 3-6 marriages were common, as were male 2s-female 4s, male 3s-female 9s, and several other such combinations.

5. "Gut" types (8, 9, and 1) neither preferred nor avoided other "gut" types, and the same was true for heart and thinking types.

6. Although people avoided marrying their own types, they did not show any avoidance of adjacent (wing) types. A preference for wing types was not seen either.

7. The 6 most common type pairings are:

18 pairs: male 8, female 2
16 pairs: male 9, female 4
15 pairs: male 6, female 2
15 pairs: male 9, female 1
14 pairs: male 5, female 1
14 pairs: male 6, female 9

It is notable that 9+4 marriages were among the most common, given the reputation of this combination for stormy volatility. It should be noticed that this list is ranked purely by numerical counts, not by its frequency relative to chance. Hence, it is skewed toward the more common types (9s and 6s).

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