[MooOfTheCow]

I assume many of you are like me in that it's extremely difficult and takes a lot of patience and effort to be friends with me. I often ask myself what reward does the other person get for not giving up, despite all the mixed signals, evasiveness, silence and sometimes impenetrable gloom? If I like the person, I feel they don't deserve all the frustration and hassle, and likewise I don't deserve the kindness since I repay it with the behaviors I just mentioned.

So is there really some secret treasure buried deep inside me that the person will be rewarded with, or is it just a mistake on their part to try and be friends with me? Sometimes I feel that the more kindness and attention someone gives me, they gain only a proportionate amount of pain and confusion. It's like I exist to do harm, though I don't like it or wish it.

 

[RoughEstimate]

And, on top of it all, you have to fly away, knowing they'd be much better off without your personal landfill? That's where I find myself.

 

[MooOfTheCow]

And, on top of it all, you have to fly away, knowing they'd be much better off without your personal landfill? That's where I find myself.

Same here. So I wonder, faced with this, how does one live? Seems like the only options are be a hermit, die, or cause others to suffer and suffer yourself.

 

[Han]

It seems you think people that want to be friends have higher expectations than they really do. Or deserve more than you can give. They get your friendship, shouldn't that be enough?

There are far worse traits a person can have than the ones you described. Rather than thinking, are they getting enough back, instead try and think that people unwilling to make an effort aren't worth troubling yourself over. Relationships are give and take, good friends will be there despite your faults.

I hope that makes, it is the way I see things on a good day.

:happy:

 

[MooOfTheCow]

Thanks Han, that's good positive thinking. Somehow I picture your avatar speaking the words, haha.

 

[RoughEstimate]

Same here. So I wonder, faced with this, how does one live? Seems like the only options are be a hermit, die, or cause others to suffer and suffer yourself.

Out of respect for a world that shouldn't have to cater to my crazy, I'm slowly embracing the hermit route. I don't want to negatively affect anyone else, anymore, and I feel that's all I've been capable of. I'm here for anyone who needs a hand, but letting it rest in someone else's for too long is futile. I don't know what I want from anyone until they know what they want from me.
If I take a microscope to that, I realize I'm only mirroring their emotion and that isn't fair.
Barricade myself off until someone with a specialized tool belt can tweak some wires, I guess.
It's not an awesome plan, but it's the only one I've got.

 

[HeyGirl]

I think that the people wouldnt stick around if they didnt somehow enjoy being with you (and not because they think that they'll put alot of effort in your relationship so you would change someday and they would be paid back for what they offered; in my opinion people really dont think that far, they are probably just okay with how things are).

But it should be in your interest as well to make the person feel comfortable (it should be genuine though). You could do this by telling them that your bad mood has nothing to do with them or just do or say something nice to them when you feel like it.

 

[Han]

Thanks Han, that's good positive thinking. Somehow I picture your avatar speaking the words, haha.

I hope it was helpful for you. Haha, I resemble an adult bubbles to an embarassing extent so that's quite accurate!

:tongue:

 

[Bazinga187]

I find INFPs to be the most wonderful company! You're kind, thoughtful, generous, patient, loving, interesting, intelligent and profound. I have no shortage of pleasant things to say about INFPs, so please never think that you don't deserve your friends. On the contrary, I find that I'm undeserving of my INFP friends.

 

[illicit iridescence]

On the contrary, I find that I'm undeserving of my INFP friends.

What's this illogical nonsense?

 

[TrueNorth]

Don't disrespect your friends who choose to hang around you! It's easy to go down that dark path and whittle your self-worth away to nothing. Whether it's an INFP thing or simply human nature, I don't know, but I've been there, even knowing that I had something to offer to the world. Find what you like about yourself and realize that others can see it in you too. Then relax and enjoy being yourself.

 

[OreoBlizzard]

I am a very negative person. I am anxious, always worrying about something - school, life, my family, my friends, the fate of humanity, you name it. I don't like myself -- I feel that I am very stupid and mess up everywhere I go and I feel like people would be so much better off without me. I'm quiet and have nothing to say, and when I speak up, I tend to be wrong or illogical with my answers.

And yet, I am blessed with 3 friends. :blushed: 3 souls who see the beauty in me that I can't see for myself:
1) My boyfriend, who does everything he can to cheer me up and give me a shoulder to cry on. I believe he is an INTP, as he's not that good with feelings in general. But what touches me is that he tries his absolute best to see where I am coming from, and stays with me until I feel better. He is absolutely a sweetheart and is always looking out for me. He tells me I am kind, and sweet, and very understanding.

2) My best friend Nai, who cried for me and told me she did not want to see me break when I texted her one day a few weeks ago about me being lonely, and worthless, and unable to make friends. She told me "You will always be my best friend. You are a genuine person." (Not sure what type she is... ENFJ, perhaps.)

3) My other best friend Jeremy, an ENTJ, told me that there are people out there who love me for who I am and that at the end of the day, I can't let myself get down. He brings me down to earth, and despite his tendency to always think rationally/logically, he has a lot of patience because he enjoys being friends with me.

While it's true that many people avoid trying to be friends with me... There are amazing people out there that really see you for who you are and love you. They see you at your best, and they've seen you at your worst, and for some reason they choose to stay.. I only learned recently that I shouldn't try to question why. They have made their decision, and all I can do is do my absolute best to keep these wonderful friends of mine.roud:

 

[esoterictimes]

Yes. If you don't like it, improve the image so you can be more confident. Other than that, as long as you are doing your best to treat others well and yourself well, there's nothing else that needs to be done except find those that you mesh with. We are varied and some people are like oil and water. Not a problem with them......and certainly not with you, even if others may say that.

 

[Marimeli]

Who told you they were trying to avoid being friends with you? My bet is not a single person told ou that. And as intuitive as you are about others, remember that that intuition can be clouded by your own negative self-perception. I'm betting that, if anything, there are people who would love to approach you but maybe perceive you as shy and aren't sure how to strike up a conversation. Or they see you with your friends and they don't want to intrude. Or they see you sitting alone at a table with a book, and while you only brought the book along because it was better to sit there reading than sit there alone like an idiot, they think this means you're busy and they shouldn't approach you. Give some of these people a chance to get to know you before you preemptively decide how they feel about you!

 

[Sily]

No! I'm not worth it! So, to the people that keep yanking on my sleeve for attention, go away! Sheesh, I only have so much energy to dole out -- if I'm interested in you, I'll contact YOU.

*walks away mumbling "...like bees buzzing around my head all the time, need some human bug spray, or something...."

 

[kaleidoscope]

I'm in the same boat as you are OP, and it's a realization that hits me more everyday. People who befriend me are usually so simple to get to know, so simple in their demands, so laid back and accepting. I can't say I'm the same. I can't tell yet if it's high expectations of them, or just me being overly sensitive and emotional.

I feel like I ask for so much attention/affection, so much patience from them when I get attached. I think I'm rather intense in my friendships, but in an unhealthy way because I get hurt and feel neglected when I don't get that all the time. I do think my friends don't deserve me, because they could find someone less demanding, less emotional, more fun and more carefree than me. Sometimes, I don't understand how the hell they can stand me, and still want to be around me or be 'drawn' to me. I don't think I could ever understand that, but naturally I feel very lucky, and try my best to be a tolerable friend.

 

[InusBestFriend]

I find I sea-saw from being a good person to be friends with (all the compassionate, kind, helpful, listening, funny things someone mentioned) to being a bit of a mess to deal with, and it is exaggerated with the people I care about. I know this cycle of mine well now (29) and know it'll swing back around so I never get too down and have competing theories on why it happens but it's frustrating as hell.

I think when my basic needs on an emotional level are not being met I turn into this mess a bit, and I try to compensate and hide it which makes it worse, but I have not found a viable method of expressing myself and getting out of it, I have a friend who I am supposedly close with (entirely different and complex situation) who has told me to tell her when I feel this way and each time I do I a) don't know what is coming out of my mouth and make it sound crazy b) feel worse c) feel like i'm putting my own problems onto her and shouldn't. My solution? Well short of saying she isn't the right one for me (which is incredibly hard for some reason) I try to make myself busy and wait till it all swings around in days/weeks/months.

tl;dr
When i'm stressed I feel like i'm not worth it all, which can start a domino effect, when i'm calm and collected I feel I can be a very good friend to others.

 

[Jewl]

I assume many of you are like me in that it's extremely difficult and takes a lot of patience and effort to be friends with me. I often ask myself what reward does the other person get for not giving up, despite all the mixed signals, evasiveness, silence and sometimes impenetrable gloom? If I like the person, I feel they don't deserve all the frustration and hassle, and likewise I don't deserve the kindness since I repay it with the behaviors I just mentioned.

So is there really some secret treasure buried deep inside me that the person will be rewarded with, or is it just a mistake on their part to try and be friends with me? Sometimes I feel that the more kindness and attention someone gives me, they gain only a proportionate amount of pain and confusion. It's like I exist to do harm, though I don't like it or wish it.

There's no talk of "reward" or "deserving" when it comes to friendship.

You are more than those flaws you see in yourself that make you feel so undeserving. You are. Everybody has flaws. Some people are good at hiding them, but does that make it any better? Some people show them more noticeably, but does that make it any worse? I don't care about your flaws. If I decide to become your friend, I will accept you and your flaws. If it comes down to it, then, you could say we all don't deserve anything. We're all imperfect. But we accept each other and try and do better. It's easy to get caught up looking at the part of our Self we most hate. And then we don't do anything about it and we can't move on. You've got to accept that as part of yourself. People will accept you for who you are.

I don't even think about rewards or "working" towards becoming friends. It doesn't happen like that. And sometimes what we thought were flaws weren't even flaws in the first place. So you're introverted. You are going to be more evasive and have more mixed signals, etc, than an extrovert might. So? I know that a lot of the time, I just feel like I don't deserve anything. But then I remember we've all got our issues, and I am no better or worse than anyone around me. I accept myself, and I move on. I've got to, or I will be more evasive. I will get trapped within myself. It's not helpful to anybody or anything. I may feel like I'm saving other people from pain, but I'll really just be adding on more.

 

[snowbell]

I'll disagree with the "buried treasure deep inside me": I don't think the treasure is inside of you hidden away like oil. I think the treasure IS you - you're a giant lump of gold sitting and shining there . And as we all know, gold is valuable, used as currency and storage, decoration and other things, but is beautiful and valuable no matter what form it takes...

If you are rather like the INFP description you will be caring about people, a patient listener, loyal, and will try your best to be there for a friend in need. These are traits that most appreciate and that are easily shown. You may not see them in (or on) yourself, but that's what the other person is for: if they are around to stay, then it means they do have a stake in the friendship and are happy that you are friends - they would be the kind of people you want to keep by you. In my experience the people I keep at arm's length (relatively) and feed peripheral information have said that I'm kind and easy to talk to and they really appreciate that I listen to them when they're down. I expect you'd be largely similar...

I'll leave you with 2 beautiful quotes that encapsulate this philosophy.

Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.
~Benjamin Franklin

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.” ~ George Washington

Stay true to yourself and allow the compliments to take seed - sometimes it's necessary to let others show us where we are doing well, even if we don't believe them.

 

[Isildin]

II have no shortage of pleasant things to say about INFPs

So why did you stop?