I can't say that I have formed really any 'unhealthy' relationships, I mean the connection I experience usually doesn't get as far as a relationship. It makes me feel really shitty and worthless at times, like WTF is wrong wit me? Yet I have no shortage of attention from men and I also do well socially. I'm not some freak or a troll.
I had a long conversation with my exboyfriend not too long ago. We have a pretty good relationship, and I can honestly say we were in love when we dated. I still really love him, but I'm not in anyway in love with him anymore. I don't think anyone has gotten as close as I have to him, and I fear that no one else really will. I really want him to be happy and I want him to find somebody, but I really have my doubts. I definitely think there are days he regrets letting me go. But we had this conversation about the kind of men I seem to get with, and they're these strong willed, pull-themselves-up-from-their-bootstraps type, and I think if it was encouraged in them as children they might have been artists. There's something so strong willed and determined in them but also something so chained up and suffering as well. I think I just somehow get inside them and it turns their world upside down, and they can't deal with that and push me away. The guy I was with before him didn't go over too well, things got borderline verbally and emotionally abusive, I think he kept searching for a way to get control of me, and when he couldn't find it he threw me out of house and acted like we never happened. My ex and I were talking about that, and he indeed said that's what I did to him. He openly told me that he's a changed and better person because of me. So that was really validating to hear. But I'm in love with this guy who I just know has feelings for me, and it's the most passionate and exciting thing I have experienced from anyone else, when I do get to experience it. WHEN, being a key word, since he avoids me a lot of the time, but no matter how long or what happens we always end up hooking up. I want to just cut out all the bullshit and just be with him, but he keeps putting space between us, but always tries to hide his disappointment if not, at times, devastation when I do the same thing in reaction to his bullshit. I always end up forgiving him and letting him back in and he always seems so relieved that I do. I just don't get it. I don't get why other people can't embrace their feelings, don't you feel like you're not truly ling?