[crackitty]

I'm not, and the concept to me is almost like the concept of infinity. It's like I get, but I also can't possibly comprehend it. It's beyond me. When I'm love I just want to be near that person. I want to be close. Yeah rejection sucks and all, but to me the need to be near the one I love, to have them in my life, totally outweighs the fear of rejection or feeling vulnerable. I keep making these connections with men who are too afraid of their feelings. I'm just trying to understand what it must feel like. What goes through your head when you feel yourself developing feelings for someone but you fight your feelings? Was your broken before and you can't bare to go through it again? Are you really just that uncomfortable with your emotions? Are you just unable to cope with someone making you feel vulnerable because you care too much about them?

What does it feel like to be afraid to love?

 

[sacrosanctsun]

It feels like being stranded on a sail boat in the middle of a shit-storm. If you've forgotten how to sail or if your sail has tears and holes, you're out of luck. Sometimes it'll seem better to abandon ship and eventually wash up onto the shore rather than enduring the storm and discovering where the winds lead.

 

[RichardHead]

In my case it's either like

-fear of meeting things in the SO that I am not aware of yet,but are there and totally cannot live with

-fear that they are something/someone else than they seem to be wo being something I totally can't live with but that would still be disappointing

-fear that they don't love me enough/won't love me back. Or that they cannot be counted upon in time of need. Fearing somewhere along the way a breakdown in rapport and/or communication. Like they just don't like me anymore or want something else. The distancing. Things do wear off w time and ppl do break up and they should,but I prefer to do so when we're both kinda ready for it,by +- mutual decision. But until then I still prefer to remain close and retain a good relationship w a sense for togetherness and cooperation,support,love etc .. And most ppl are not really like this I guess

 

[General Lee Awesome]

why afraid of love? more afraid of losing love, or not finding the right love.

 

[Kingdom Crusader]

Besides the fear of feeling vulnerable and being rejected, these are some of my reasons for my being afraid of love:

-It may be misplaced on someone who is not suitable for me, and vice versa.

-I don't like my feelings controlling me. I want to reign over myself.

-Losing my freedom to pursue my personal interests.

-It may interfere with my sense of duty towards God and humanity, in that I have work to do during this short time I have here on Earth.

-Will this interfere with my relationship with my son? I don't see myself loving anyone as much as I love my own child.

-Emotions in general, passion, romanticism, etc. is not my strong suit and could leave me feeling very inadequate.

Looking back, I didn't choose the most appropriate partners. I have way too much at stake to make more mistakes like that.

 

[Thalassa]

I have important things to do involving trees, and I once loved a man who also loved the earth and animals, really loved him as a person, or so I thought, because I wanted to break him out of his polar bear ice igloo, but he couldn't really love anyone except dogs, I don't think, even when he said he loved, I'm pretty sure he actually just meant desired.

Before him I insanely formed an attachment to an insane man with an insane attachment to me.

So no I'm not afraid to love. I just love myself more now and am more selective of who later may or may not join me in the trees.

 

[DiamondDays]

I love without bounds. It's a pretty scary experience and afterwards i always end up feeling wrung out and need to spend months and months on becoming whole again. I wouldn't hesitate to fall in love again, but i would be afraid to open up if i did. It never lead anywhere good in the past. My vulnerabilities will be used as ammunition against me. I never thought i would feel that way, but it has been like that every time in the past.

 

[crackitty]

Huh, fascinating, thank you all for the replies. I'm sort of at a loss. It's like what I was saying earlier, it's like I hear you, I get it... but I don't at the same time. It's like none these things are issue for me. I don't want to sound like a care bear or anything, but I guess for me being loving is really just such a part of my identity and I guess my purpose that I don't feel like I'm losing myself to these feelings. If anything I feel the most like myself when I am feeling and acting out of love.

I have a really shitty family, and it's like I'm always walking around with a sense of that loss in the background. I want to feel to connected and there's a place for me. I guess for some people they are really fueled by those feelings to make a difference in their lives but I can't seem to get it to work for me like that. I'm not fueled by pain and hurt. It's like a big hole all my energy and stamina just leaks out of. But when I care about someone it's like there's finally something there that can plug up that hole and I can actually think more clearly and just get on with my fucking life. I'm definitely better when I'm motivated by love, it's not distraction it's my purpose. Sometimes it's really hard for me to work up the motivation to accomplish certain things for myself, I far more often don't try as hard when I'm doing something just for myself, but if I know what I am doing will mean something to someone else or have a positive impact on others then suddenly I can pull my shit together like nothing before.

I'm really struggling with my life, I thought by now I would have had a family of my own. I have a lot going for me, I'm very talented, and intelligent and pretty charismatic too, I think I have all the pieces to be something amazing, and yet I'm just struggling to maintain an normal existence. And when I really sit down and think about it and ask myself why is that? I always come to how I want a family. I WANT to be a wife. I WANT to be a mother. I NEED a home. I know I can be and do so much more than that, but it's like with out those things I just don't know what's holding me together. I feel so lost with out that in my life. I guess some people are afraid that that will be a distraction or it will over take their identity, for my it would be my foundation, I really believe I need it to build off of.

Unfortunately I seem to keep making connections with men who are the opposite from me. I KNOW they have feelings for me, but I guess they're afraid that being with me will compromise who they are or what they're purpose is. I don't know what to do about that, but I think the first step is trying to understand what it must be like for them.

 

[devoid]

I'm in the same boat as you @crackitty. I have a shitty family and always want to feel a connection with someone. It's scary because this kind of feeling/thinking will lead to a lot of codependent and unhealthy relationships, and might make you settle for less at times. I know I do both of these things.

But actually, this is one of the first relationships I've been in where the man I'm with is afraid to love. I can't wrap my head around it. I want so badly to dive in and experience a connection with him, but it's like he lives on Pluto and he's off in another world, desperately avoiding human contact and emotions. I think he reminds me of how my family was, which scares me and makes me wonder if I shouldn't be with him. But he does care a lot, and he does try to take care of me in many ways. It just hurts, waking up next to someone who doesn't know me and doesn't seem to want to know me like that. Sometimes I wonder why he has relationships at all, when he seems to just want to escape into his own private world. I can't understand wanting to be so alone.

 

[Grandmaster Yoda]

I'm not afraid to love, I just know the trouble that occurs from being overly attached to some person.

 

[Impavida]

Not afraid to love. Unwilling/unable to trust - without which, there can be no love.

I don't see a benefit to relationships that convinces me it's worth the risk to make the necessary sacrifices and compromises.

 

[crackitty]

I can't say that I have formed really any 'unhealthy' relationships, I mean the connection I experience usually doesn't get as far as a relationship. It makes me feel really shitty and worthless at times, like WTF is wrong wit me? Yet I have no shortage of attention from men and I also do well socially. I'm not some freak or a troll.

I had a long conversation with my exboyfriend not too long ago. We have a pretty good relationship, and I can honestly say we were in love when we dated. I still really love him, but I'm not in anyway in love with him anymore. I don't think anyone has gotten as close as I have to him, and I fear that no one else really will. I really want him to be happy and I want him to find somebody, but I really have my doubts. I definitely think there are days he regrets letting me go. But we had this conversation about the kind of men I seem to get with, and they're these strong willed, pull-themselves-up-from-their-bootstraps type, and I think if it was encouraged in them as children they might have been artists. There's something so strong willed and determined in them but also something so chained up and suffering as well. I think I just somehow get inside them and it turns their world upside down, and they can't deal with that and push me away. The guy I was with before him didn't go over too well, things got borderline verbally and emotionally abusive, I think he kept searching for a way to get control of me, and when he couldn't find it he threw me out of house and acted like we never happened. My ex and I were talking about that, and he indeed said that's what I did to him. He openly told me that he's a changed and better person because of me. So that was really validating to hear. But I'm in love with this guy who I just know has feelings for me, and it's the most passionate and exciting thing I have experienced from anyone else, when I do get to experience it. WHEN, being a key word, since he avoids me a lot of the time, but no matter how long or what happens we always end up hooking up. I want to just cut out all the bullshit and just be with him, but he keeps putting space between us, but always tries to hide his disappointment if not, at times, devastation when I do the same thing in reaction to his bullshit. I always end up forgiving him and letting him back in and he always seems so relieved that I do. I just don't get it. I don't get why other people can't embrace their feelings, don't you feel like you're not truly ling?

 

[phoenix_9]

Only the broken-hearted know the truth about love.
~Mason Cooley


The hardest part when you've been screwed over time and again is to trust again. I know that if I give up I will not really be living. I don't know if I'll ever figure out who a man really is in character before I trust him. I guess I want to so badly..that connection. It'll be sad if I never find that man,,,b/c he's missing out on me.

 

[crackitty]

I can't say anyone has ever broken my heart, maybe I just refuse to let it break. But the thing that has really gotten to me, and maybe this is a little unique to my experiences, is the denial of me ever being anything to the person I was involved with. One of my first serious boyfriends tried to convince me we were never a couple after things didn't work out, bitch please I lived with you! Then I found out about enneagrams and realized I pretty much only go for type 8's and their defense mechanism is denial and suddenly that issue made a lot more sense. Still it's incredibly hurtful and invalidating to have that happen to you and more than once! It does make me defensive at times, I do get afraid that the other person will just treat me like nothing happened. Or like any relationship we had was just a big exaggeration on my part. Even though it does get me a little defensive that hasn't stopped me from trying or opening up.

 

[tanstaafl28]

I'm not, and the concept to me is almost like the concept of infinity. It's like I get, but I also can't possibly comprehend it. It's beyond me. When I'm love I just want to be near that person. I want to be close. Yeah rejection sucks and all, but to me the need to be near the one I love, to have them in my life, totally outweighs the fear of rejection or feeling vulnerable. I keep making these connections with men who are too afraid of their feelings. I'm just trying to understand what it must feel like. What goes through your head when you feel yourself developing feelings for someone but you fight your feelings? Was your broken before and you can't bare to go through it again? Are you really just that uncomfortable with your emotions? Are you just unable to cope with someone making you feel vulnerable because you care too much about them?

What does it feel like to be afraid to love?

I don't know. I was afraid once. Then I found the courage. I loved her for nearly 20 years. Then she broke my heart.

 

[Hei]

Vulnerability and tenderness and openness... these were things I was not used to that seized me when I came to love someone with all my being for the first time. And while things didn't end badly between us... I fear the idea of ever stoping loving him... and I fear the idea of loving someone else again.
I truly don't believe I could ever have the intense feelings I had for him... for someone else.
And I never want to go through the state I am in again.
I'm scared to love... scared to be loved should I cause someone else such a pain that I can barely manage when my personality can be viewed as strong.
It's so intense.
Dare I touch another with emotions in the air... dare I allow another to touch me.
Do I seal myself up and away?... my deepest fears are that of loneliness, not being wanted, or needed.
A conflict without resolution.
I'm sad... and frightened about my future... anxious about my emotions of which I have little practice with managing.
I feel weak, helpless, depressed...

 

[Swordsman of Mana]

sometimes. there are few things which hurt more than truly loving someone and having things broken off (this could be due to logistical issues, being rejected, love triangles, death etc), but one of those things is never having loved in the first place and wasting away in lonely misery, so if given an option with a reasonable chance of success, I will always take the plunge.

 

[BRew23]

afraid to love is stupid, it is the best feeling

 

[Master Mind]

I'm not "afraid," but I'm guarded with my feelings. Both past experience and observation have shown me that most people aren't trustworthy with things of actual importance (opposed to things that don't matter much), so making myself vulnerable is something I'm loath to do.

 

[LostFavor]

I'm too used to being able to cope with the world by rationalizing what I don't understand. Love (I take it you're referring to "romantic" love) is like the antithesis of that because it can't be rationalized and any attempts to rationalize it are like trying to tame the ocean.

What it feels like is trying to re-learn how be alive every time I start developing feelings for someone. The urge is to push the feelings aside, ignore them, or minimize them, because when they're unbridled, they color everything and suddenly there's a kind of sense that the world stops making.

It ain't all bad, mind you. There's a different kind of sense that the world starts making. But I have to re-learn every time.

I think my main problem is that such feelings usually hit me way too hard, fast, and out-of-the-blue to justify to anyone who hasn't been hit with the exact same feelings in equal measure. And on top of that, I have a tendency - especially when affected by such feelings - to turn the simple into the dramatic and world-changing.

This makes for a recipe of looking like a desperate, lovesick puppy to the object of my affection if I let shit out unbridled, so instead, I've grown accustomed to subjugating such feelings to a degree (emphasis on looking desperate). Maybe I'm delusional or maybe I'm being sensible when it comes to certain relationships in my life. Hard to say.

The far-reaching effects are felt though - no doubt about it. If I let it all out, I might be happier in the long-run, but the mere thought of it is sort of like imagining going to bed and waking up as a different person.