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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was dating an ESTJ female and she was very gentle with me surprisingly, we both are very different but very similar at the same time and when together we might not have something to say all the time but we feel safe,we trust eachother deeply and I have shown her that I care about her,I am very loyal and never play games. She told me that I have a heart of gold,that im remarkable etc...but then why does her "spirit" not feel at ease with me as she said? Im confused. I have shown her how bold I am to love her and make commitment without being clingy, creepy or selfish (insecure). I gave her a simple gift lastnight after an awesome date, but she told me "My spirit hasnt felt at ease about us"...then whats that mean?
 

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I think the best way to figure out what she means is to ask her point blank. ESTJs are typically open and honest, especially with people they value. What an ESTJ says can be taken at face value. I don't think she will purposefully hide what she means or hesitate to answer the question if you ask her. But beware that we can sometimes be blunt.
 

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No, once we latch on to someone then we latch forever. But we are very cautious about people. We don't rush things. We think carefully and get to know a person very well before we would commit to them. We would have to feel completely at ease about a person. I mean, I have an INFJ male friend, and we get along really well and he is one of the people I am closest to. However, I know that we just wouldn't work romantically.. I can sort of sense it. She probably counts you as on of her truest and best friends, but she may feel like you aren't romantically compatible. I'm sorry if I am not breaking this gently. You need to sit down and talk to her about it. I may be wrong. Ask her about specific concerns.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
No, once we latch on to someone then we latch forever. But we are very cautious about people. We don't rush things. We think carefully and get to know a person very well before we would commit to them. We would have to feel completely at ease about a person. I mean, I have an INFJ male friend, and we get along really well and he is one of the people I am closest to. However, I know that we just wouldn't work romantically.. I can sort of sense it. She probably counts you as on of her truest and best friends, but she may feel like you aren't romantically compatible. I'm sorry if I am not breaking this gently. You need to sit down and talk to her about it. I may be wrong. Ask her about specific concerns.
If thats what she thinks romantically, then I cannot see us having a long term friendship..I won't be a toy.It is the equivalent of telling a woman that "Yes you have a great personality, you have a heart of gold"...but your breasts arent big enough.
 

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If thats what she thinks romantically, then I cannot see us having a long term friendship..I won't be a toy.It is the equivalent of telling a woman that "Yes you have a great personality, you have a heart of gold"...but your breasts arent big enough.
I do not think she is trying to use you or treat you like a toy. She probably feels at though you are a good friend. And maybe I am wrong about how she feels. Please talk to her directly before you assume something. I am confused as to how you could have come up with such a conclusion though.
 

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Ask her to clarify what she meant. You're not going to get the real answer by asking us.






To answer your question independently, I personally have a problem with long term relationship commitments. I tend to find them vastly intimidating, primarily because of the amount of responsibility involved. But I am not your ESTJ, and I am fairly certain my personal tendencies are not an accurate reflection of hers.
 

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I was dating an ESTJ female and she was very gentle with me surprisingly, we both are very different but very similar at the same time and when together we might not have something to say all the time but we feel safe,we trust eachother deeply and I have shown her that I care about her,I am very loyal and never play games. She told me that I have a heart of gold,that im remarkable etc...but then why does her "spirit" not feel at ease with me as she said? Im confused. I have shown her how bold I am to love her and make commitment without being clingy, creepy or selfish (insecure). I gave her a simple gift lastnight after an awesome date, but she told me "My spirit hasnt felt at ease about us"...then whats that mean?
First of all from a female's point of view and my own experience with commitments and relationships I would say, give it some time ,you cannot expect from ESTJs to instantly get ready to sealing deal in a relationship,the T factor of ESTJs compels them to think over every decision or deed they plan to do more than INFJs ,which may take some time because what we may feel green today could turn out to be red tomorrow who knows, its difficult to trust things for us easily ,so best suggestion from my side is that take things practical and easy among yourselves ,don't try to haste things .The longer you two spend time together ,share your life with each other ,the stronger your relationship will be.Don't sweat yourself just enjoy life the way it comes,don't lose hope and patience for your ESTJ ,she will not disappoint you ,if you won't disappoint her.
 

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Have you considered the compatibility issue? According to Keirsey, SJs and NF's often seem compatible at first because both tend to be cooperative, but that, ultimately, their marriages aren't as successful as other pairings. His research shows that the most successful marriages occur between SJs and SPs, or NTs and NF's.

His book Please Understand Me II explains more in-depth about his compatibility theory, which is empirically supported (unlike Myers Brigg's theory of compatibility.) Moreover, he clarifies/corrects many of the flaws of the original Myers Briggs theory and, if you are interested in gaining clarity regarding temperament theory, you should definitely read it.

According to his theory, the most compatible temperament type for you would be ENTP. Female rationalists are somewhat harder to detect (rationalists tend to have particularly unfeminine qualities that they sometimes try to mask), but she would theoretically compliment you in all of the particulars while being able to understand and communicate with you intimately. According to Keirsey, it is the N/S dichotomy which divides the world into groups of people we understand easily and groups of people with whom we are "uneasy".

Her theoretical match would be a playful and sweet ISFP Artist.

I can tell you from personal experience, moreover, that the theory is a good one. I, without knowing it at the time, married my "Keirseyian match", an INTJ, and the relationship has always been easy for us. We have a lot of differences, but we love that about each other--we compliment each other, and we can always, always communicate when things get hairy.

Here are some shorts about the Keirsey theory of compatibility:
NF/NT: Keirsey's PersonalityZone - Personality and Your Relationships
SJ/SP: Keirsey's PersonalityZone - Personality and Your Relationships
 

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I hope you don't mind me budding in but I have a ESTJ friend and she would usually behave like that to guys if she likes them but simply can't see herself in a long term relationship with them, which is what she ultimately goes for. Ofc she's not your ESTJ so don't assume anything simply from what everyone's been saying here, the other posters are right, you should probably just ask her straight out, from my experiences ESTJs are quite honest and straight forward if you just ask them

and also, one more thing to keep in mind, if you're familiar with socionics, the two are conflicting relations. Even though compatibility shouldn't be the be all and end all, it's still important to note that this pairing is a more naturally difficult one, and it's not necessarily either types fault
 
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