As for the poll, I'd say I used to be "I lost it all a long time ago and feel quite dead inside + I'm not sure, but I feel so lost all the time" just 3 years ago, "I've been hurt too many times to remember what it feels like to be either" until a year ago and now I'm trying to get to "I am highly idealist, romantic and hopeful. Life is wonderful" but there are all these pieces inside of me that are holding me back as well.
I'm not sure I'll make it there but I'll try, at very least I'm hoping to land on "I am idealistic and hopeful because life is more meaningful that way/worth living".
I don't think I realised how being idealistic was intrinsic to my personality till recently, the idea that kindness brings everyone closer, love+care+affection are to be freely given and sought because it moves people in a way like no other and honesty+empathy brings relief to so many souls has always been inside of me somewhere, and I've always been far happier and enjoy life so much more when I'm most connected to them but I'm still having trouble reconciling them. It's like the part of me that has always been pulled away from them just keeps pulling me back to my 'norm' I've been at for practically all my life, but I don't feel alive
in that norm, I don't want to be there at all.
Where do you lie on that spectrum?
At the moment, I'm trying to force myself to become idealistic and hopeful again, not overly so just yet but I feel like I'm ready to try to live life for myself more than ever. Having a lifetime of other's telling me that what I've wanted is not anything I can ever have or worth anything has been rather destructive on my sense of self, and while it is still rather 'weak' I feel like it's time to start growing that bud inside of me and sharing it with those around me.
How does it make you feel?
Being Idealistic and hopeful makes me feel... Alive, I don't really remember how I came to give up on either, I only remember that it was 'easier' to grow up that way when society always shuts you down for being different. It's a vague cloud of nostalgia of experiences that doesn't point to anything specific.
I've read that people who suffer traumatic experiences in childhood, despression and large levels of anxiety have their memories of childhood practically 'disappear'— They become incapable of recalling more than a small handful of experiences. I think that's the case with me and it's always bothered me that I never had any tales to share with others, stories to tell.
How does it change your interactions with others when you are in different places upon the spectrum?
I am genuinely happy, engaging and contagious— Even when I'm expressing anger, pain or sadness, or even taking it in from others it somehow makes everyone around me end up in tears and smiles. I'm just so much more real
... Everything just 'feels'
That's the only way I can really explain it.
Would you like to provide a little background as to why you came be where you are now?
I think I provided it sprawled about in my other ramblings but here goes
I was pessimistic/realistic and cynical/sarcastic for a long time, in a bad way.. In a way where I'd be inadvertently shunting my own ideals as insignificant, it was basically self-harm verbally and thought-wise and I think that started to stop about 5 years ago when I made a decision to at least feel physically better because I hated being bedridden and sick. That said I'd still make myself sick every few weeks and as time went on, every few months and now I think I've finally stopped (at least I hope so, it's been like a year). I've found that infjs tend to be prone to self-fulfilling prophecies, they will unwittingly sabotage themselves in a dark moment.
Just recently i figured out what it feels like to feel like someone cares about you, I believe I never let myself feel it because it hurts to want it when you know people will just attack you for seeking it. Past issues, they still linger and I feel a dull ache every time I talk about it because of something inside of me
that pulls me back to not 'wanting' it.
I really don't want to forget what it feels like to love, care, share affection and kindness to others, I never want to forget what it feels like to be able to truly feel it in return
. But it's slipping away from me again, it's not that I don't like who I am either way..
I just don't feel like I've had enough time with it to keep this precious part of me safe inside from all those shadows that keep smothering it.