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Arranged or love marriages?

  • Arranged

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Neutral stance

    Votes: 3 30.0%
  • Love

    Votes: 4 40.0%
  • I do not know

    Votes: 3 30.0%
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EvilShoutyRudolph
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Discussion Starter #1
Love marriage is a term used primarily in South Asia, especially in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka, to describe a marriage where the individuals love each other and get married with or without the consent of their parents. There is no clear definition of love marriage.
ar·ranged mar·riage
əˈrānjd ˈmerij/
noun


  • a marriage planned and agreed to by the families or guardians of the bride and groom, who have little or no say in the matter themselves.

Which one is better? Why?

Which do you think will last longer?
 

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I think it depends on the individual.

I'd hate an arranged marriage. Id fight it tooth and nail. But I know people who have made them work and they seem happy.
 

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Neutral stance here.

To be entirely frank about it, it does seem like arranged marriages have a higher success rate; love marriages are not doing so well lately. I tend to believe arranged marriages last longer if only because they are more prevalent in cultures where marriage is more of a practical decision than an emotional one, and the practicalities of living in a couple aren't typically going to change much, while emotions can fluctuate endlessly. The question to me is, do arranged marriages have a higher success rate when it comes to happy marriage? I think that is very hard to analyze statistically, unfortunately.

I live in a time and place where arranged marriage is essentially unheard of, but if I lived in a culture where it was more conventional, I don't think I would necessarily oppose it immediately. I have been fortunate to have been born into a family that has always advocated strongly for my genuine happiness. They know me well and often give me sound advice. I'm assertive enough in my taste that I don't feel like I'd just bend to anything, either. So assuming my family were still the same, I would be willing to meet someone arranged for me - though I would not want to go through with a marriage without meeting the other person, going on a few dates with them, and giving my consent first.
 

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MOTM Dec 2011
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8,651 Posts
It depends.... I used to have the notion that arranged marriages amounted to not knowing anything about the person you were marrying until the wedding day. I was wrong. Or at least, with most Indians and Pakistanis that I know who have done arranged marriages, it amounts more to being set up by your families based on criteria you all agree on.

The process I’ve heard or witnessed was... You and your family decide it’s time to marry. They pick out a prospective partner or perhaps several for you to choose from. You probably will meet and talk to several of these people. When you and a match mutually agree that you like each other, then you get engaged and a courtship continues. When you marry, you may not be “in love”, but you aren’t strangers, probably do have a friendship established, and you likely have a mutual attraction (given you both picked eachother from your other options). The primary function of the marriage is not love of course, but it’s expected that you will fall in love eventually, and certainly that you will come to love eachother as family. Since a big romantic love is not expectedly immediately nor seen as necessary for a match, expectations are a bit different and perhaps more conducive to a lasting marriage.

I dont know if that’s the most common process of an arranged marriage, but it’s what I’ve observed here in the US among a few cultures that practice it. I understand that it may vary a lot, much as the process of making a “love match” may vary.

I see both both the pros and cons. Because of my American background, I wouldn’t want to do an arranged marriage, but I’m open to more involvement from friends and family. I would need to fall in love first, but I think community involvement in matching people with a mate is not unnatural or strange. I suspect it’s actually more natural for your “tribe” to be involved.
 

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The older I get, the more appreciation I gain for "semi-arranged marriages", for example, marriages that arose because your parents or your church elders, etc. opined that you were at the age where marriage would be beneficial to you, and they suggested to you: "you should talk to X, she seems nice" or "I know a girl you'd really get along with, let's have you two meet up.", yet still have both parties at least smitten with one another. I really don't think many people who enter into "pure love" marriages know exactly what they're doing unless they rely heavily on the experiences and advices of maritally successful elders, and although I've never seen statistics on it, I would not be surprised if these marriages end in divorce at a noticeably lower rate than pure love marriages.
 

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I respect the idea of arranged marriages, but whenever anyone has suggested that I get together with anyone, I've been like, "Him? Are you kidding me? Don't you know me at all?" Or else I have taken up their suggestion and lived to regret it. So maybe arranged marriage can work for some people but can't work for certain outliers.

And from what I've observed, in cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, there's also A LOT of screwing around by the husband--and sometimes by the wife too, if she can get away with it.

People have different ideas of what marriage is all about. I was married to someone from a Latin American country, and after a while I wondered why those people even bothered getting married, since their idea of marriage was so different from my own. But I suppose it works for them, as there's a whole concept of blood relations and extended family that Westerners don't subscribe to.
 
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