[Angelus]

I was talking with my ENTJ boyfriend about why he loved me. I felt somewhat disturbed because in my momentary PMS day I felt like he didn't really love my sentimental, thoughtful side. To me it felt like he was loving some outlandish characteristics of mine that didn't really mean anything to me. So we talked about it and this is what he told me;

- You make me laugh (According to him, I'm the first girl to do that)
- You are really cute at times (Meant it personality-wise)
- You're rather passionate
- You like to talk a lot
- You like to chill at home not doing much (instead of going out partying or such)

----

- But the fact that you're a deep person, isn't why I love you.


How would those reasons make you feel? Is it important for you WHY your partner loves you, or does it matter as long as he loves you anyway? My boyfriend used to tell me that he gets to decide why he likes me and it shouldn't matter to me. Does it matter to you? Should you partner realize that your INFJness makes you even more lovable?


Or something like that, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say... ^^'

 

[MonogamyIsNice]

I'd probably leave someone over that, but that's me. "You're rather passionate" is the only thing on that list that would even begin to count for anything to me. And that's not much. I've rarely been pleased by the answers I receive from that kind of question, verbalized or just figured out by myself. Maybe someone here will have something reasonable and positive to say..

 

[geekofalltrades]

Those seem like good reasons to me. He loves you for aspects of your person, rather than of your body. The only answer I wouldn't want for a question like that is, "I love you for your penis." (Or eyes, or muscles, or red hair, or full lips, or nice clavicles... you get the idea.)

Maybe give him an opportunity to love that "deep" part of you? You might be keeping more of yourself from him than you realize.

 

[Angelus]

Those seem like good reasons to me. He loves you for aspects of your person, rather than of your body. The only answer I wouldn't want for a question like that is, "I love you for your penis." (Or eyes, or muscles, or red hair, or full lips, or nice clavicles... you get the idea.)

Maybe give him an opportunity to love that "deep" part of you? You might be keeping more of yourself from him than you realize.

Haha, I agree.

To be honest I keep realizing I'm holding back more than I think I am. I always think of myself as very straightforward, honest and genuine, but sometimes I surprise myself by realizing that I'm unconsciously keeping back more than I realize. Like sometimes I just suddenly realize there's a whole lot of stuff I've been hiding because I'm afraid of being judged by him. ;( I'm afraid he'll think my deepness is all lame and overemotional.

 

[Kyrielle]

Those are all valid reasons and that one thing shouldn't be held against him. However, my boyfriend doesn't exactly love me for my deep, wildly imaginative side, either. He loves what I DO with that side of myself...he loves to see my imagination when it's applied to something (like creating a piece of art or solving a problem), but I don't think he loves it on its own merits. It makes me sad, sometimes, because that's an integral part of who I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding that part of myself back because I think he won't appreciate it as much or want to share in my newest revelation. I still share anyway, because I absolutely cannot help it...I just don't get as much of an enthusiastic response as I would wish...

That said, it's not the end of the world, and the best solution is to find a friend who will love you for the aspects that others do not.

 

[Angelus]

Those are all valid reasons and that one thing shouldn't be held against him. However, my boyfriend doesn't exactly love me for my deep, wildly imaginative side, either. He loves what I DO with that side of myself...he loves to see my imagination when it's applied to something (like creating a piece of art or solving a problem), but I don't think he loves it on its own merits. It makes me sad, sometimes, because that's an integral part of who I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding that part of myself back because I think he won't appreciate it as much or want to share in my newest revelation. I still share anyway, because I absolutely cannot help it...I just don't get as much of an enthusiastic response as I would wish...

That said, it's not the end of the world, and the best solution is to find a friend who will love you for the aspects that others do not.

Sounds exactly like us! Thanks.

 

[Thomas60]

I don't know whether he loves you, but either way I'm guessing he's 18 or under and struggles to think or vocalise squishy sounding thoughts.

I don't care how deep others are, but I do care where other peoples depth comes from. The problem is if I do talk about the nature of my relationship with another, it gets turned into 'what can we do', what do we need, how can I maintain, what direction should I take mentality... Depth doesn't help define love, but what kind of person your depth makes you is interesting.

Entjs aren't the sort to look at our actions and others and discuss how it makes us/others feel or what is the moral implication, it's the reverse (if we happen to be cognitively developed) eg how does other people's feelings/impression affect actions, are these actions in line with pre-decided moral principles.

Overall, your depth probably confuses him, but he's looking at the pattern in your behaviour and what results it makes, probably admiring the moral direction it takes to seek such results and the features of your strong relationships with others he secretly misses but considers it the cost of having his own direction.

 

[GoodOldDreamer]

As long as my SO's love is genuine for me, her reasons really aren't a concern. Who really can pin down why exactly they love another anyway? Either you love the whole package overall, or you don't really love them. You just like them. Or a part of them. *shrug* I wouldn't worry too much about your bf's reasons. Especially since you're looking at it from a feeler perspective and he's not. )

 

[Xistiller]

EH. Ain't changing, so I ain't worried.

 

[Serrintine]

Seeing as I've never been in love, and the few people who ever told me they loved me never made my heart skip, I'm not sure how useful my opinions may be here. Everyday compliments like "you look cute today" or "you are such a nice person" or even "you are deep, man" don't really make me feel anything beyond embarrassment and a bit of appreciation. I don't know, I just have ever morphing conceptions of love. Is it elation, is it a deep connection, and is it (in the words of Cosette) "catching in the silence the sigh of a far away song?" I don't see how I can ever understand it, but I see that it probably just isn't understood.

Well, back on track. It matters to me a lot why someone likes, I mean loves, me. For friends, I don't care too much, but if it's going to be more than that, then I will be doing some serious contemplating...or maybe not. Who knows, haha!

 

[bengalcat]

Well, if someone was like "I love you cause you make me sandwiches" or "I love you because you're always up for it" then yeah that would bother me.

I've come across a number of guys who have expressed 'love' feelings that way - 'I love you because you do things for me'. That's probably my main sticking point. I'm not too enthused by being loved for being an acceptable servant or sidekick, at least love for one good non-selfish reason if possible. But to be more accurate I'd be more likely to say that such a crappy reason in fact indicates that it isn't love.

The reasons your boyfriend gave sound nice enough. Sounds more like a young-ish relationship? My ex was pretty good at giving me highly personalised, insightful explanations about what he liked about me after we were together a few years. At the start though his compliments (not that frequent an occurrence ) were definitely along the lines of having fun with me or me somehow otherwise being good company, my intelligence, my enthusiasm for certain things.

And yeah... our "depth" can be challenging as well as interesting and rewarding.... When I did start to show it to my ex I think it confused and overwhelmed him for a while. He mostly got to the other side eventually. Having gotten a real look into what I feel and think and struggle with, having experienced that kind of honesty, I think it opened up his own experience of life a little more and he's told me he really appreciates it. So unfortunately it is true that to give people a chance to value it you have to let them in on it, and most people don't naturally feel that at ease with it at first. You do have to really experience the depth to know what it means, to know whether you like it or not.

 

[Angelus]

@bengalcat & @Thomas60

Hehe, just wanted to point out that we're not teens and we've been together for 3 years. But thanks for the insight hmm... I'll be thinking about this and return when I have something more to say.

 

[ENTPickle]

An interesting question - one which I have asked previous partners and usually get the cliched responses e.g. your sense of humour, the challenge you present, your feisty etc etc yada yada *yaaaawn*

But since you have posed this question to the forum, I've had a bit of think... I don't think I actually CARE why my partner loves me, as long as he does and it's genuine and that I feel genuinely loved and that I'm enough for them - all of my good and my bad.

The nitty gritty reasons are of little importance to me, as long as I am loved, ultimately, as a whole.

Edit: I also would not be offended by a partner saying 'I love you because you make me sandwiches' - becuase, in the grand scheme of things, if a partner were to say that to me, chances are it's a fleeting thought - you made them a sandwich, perhaps an OUTSTANDING specimen of a sandwich and they're grateful you've presented it to them and as you love them and they love you in general, well, don't look too deeply - you just made them a great snack and they LOVE you and they LOVE it! JMO lol

 

[vanilla_dream]

what really matters is he found the qualities in a woman he desires in you. these may not be the things YOU think are your best attributes, but these may be the things HE really prizes.

 

[bengalcat]

An interesting question - one which I have asked previous partners and usually get the cliched responses e.g. your sense of humour, the challenge you present, your feisty etc etc yada yada *yaaaawn*

But since you have posed this question to the forum, I've had a bit of think... I don't think I actually CARE why my partner loves me, as long as he does and it's genuine and that I feel genuinely loved and that I'm enough for them - all of my good and my bad.

The nitty gritty reasons are of little importance to me, as long as I am loved, ultimately, as a whole.

Edit: I also would not be offended by a partner saying 'I love you because you make me sandwiches' - becuase, in the grand scheme of things, if a partner were to say that to me, chances are it's a fleeting thought - you made them a sandwich, perhaps an OUTSTANDING specimen of a sandwich and they're grateful you've presented it to them and as you love them and they love you in general, well, don't look too deeply - you just made them a great snack and they LOVE you and they LOVE it! JMO lol

I think this pretty much depends on the person. If a partner says that and says other things as well, that's fine. There's a difference between someone who says that as a spontaneous, cute expression of affection after you've made them a sandwich, and someone who says that as well as other "i love you because you do things for me" things all the time. It's a problem when the selfish "yay you do shit for me! i've got a girl who does shit for me!" declarations are all he's got. It's also obviously not just about the verbal expression. It's what they say combined with how thoughtfully they treat you. The dude in question I'm thinking of (and it wasn't sandwiches - was just coming up with a silly example) would pretty much always push me to get me to help him out in ways that ended up inconveniencing me and making me uncomfortable. I was young, I had to learn.

Clearly our imaginations can all come up with different scenarios and meanings behind "I love you because you make me sandwiches". My basic point was about people who love you for what you do for them, not for what they see in you. And there are a lot of people who actually don't have a need to see you. People who are so delighted about you just because you're doing stuff for them makes me feel like they're kids who need a mum. Nope, not what I want.

 

[bengalcat]

Hehe, just wanted to point out that we're not teens and we've been together for 3 years. But thanks for the insight hmm... I'll be thinking about this and return when I have something more to say.

Ah, I'm sorry if that was condescending.

I dunno. My cop-out catch-all is... why not just go with your gut? I mean if you feel good being with him, why would you overthink it?

I questioned my ex's interest in me and intentions a lot but that was because a) I was insecure and inexperienced and b) it wasn't a good relationship for me.

Mmmmm on my PMS day of hypersensitivity and bleakness I pretty much isolate myself from humankind. Decision-making and big discussions are definitely not allowed on that day... Maybe hugs, curling up and chocolate.

 

[ohnoezitsjoez]

Interesting concept. What if someone loves parts of me that aren't important to me, and the parts that are important to me aren't important to them?

I can see this being a real roadblock for me.

 

[ENTPickle]

Interesting concept. What if someone loves parts of me that aren't important to me, and the parts that are important to me aren't important to them?

I can see this being a real roadblock for me.

But might it not change your perception about those parts that aren't important to you? Might it not make you wonder if those parts of you actually are more important than you originally thought?

I guess it depends what those parts actually were e.g. if you were loved for your sandwich making abilities, clearly that doesn't cut the proverbial mustard.

lol.

 

[ohnoezitsjoez]

But might it not change your perception about those parts that aren't important to you? Might it not make you wonder if those parts of you actually are more important than you originally thought?

I guess it depends what those parts actually were e.g. if you were loved for your sandwich making abilities, clearly that doesn't cut the proverbial mustard.

lol.

I do make a pretty awesome sandwich so I couldn't blame her for getting weak in the knees but yeah the specifics would definitely matter.

Really, in that exchange, the part that concerns me is "the parts that are important to me aren't important to them." Her being in love with parts that I don't put much stock in are chances to grow, like you suggest. But her not loving things that I love about myself... that could be an interesting challenge. Her loving my responsibility with my money/budget is nice, but I am not sure I want it at the expense of her not finding my creativity important.

(this part I don't want OP to feel like I am projecting on her, this is all me) I don't want to fall into (what I see as) a trap of wanting to be loved for the sake of being loved. I don't want to be mutual parasites, if that makes sense. In a relationship, I am personally not seeking a warm bed or mere accompaniment, I am seeking things like connections. I don't know if I can connect with loving my fiscal responsibility and not my creativity. I can personally wait for more instead of settling for, what I see as, a lesser relationship (for lack of a better description). I guess it boils down to loving parts of how I am instead of part of who I am?

I also wouldn't want to fall into the trap of holding out for the "perfect" relationship/connect/person based on unrealistic ideals and miss out on a legit and real opportunity. (Granted I don't think my ideals and standards are unrealistic, but I have to be careful.) Idk, this is part of why all this is so interesting to me.

 

[Vivid Melody]

Nah, it doesn't really matter to me so long as I love the person. If I love them, I don't really care what their reasons for loving me are. I mean there is something to be said for compatibility of course and I have loved all the wrong people in the past but...that is my answer. I am with an ENFJ now and we just get each other. Don't have to try too hard. It's that way with my INFP brother as well. It comes easily.

You are obviously with your boyfriend for a reason. You know he is not a super sentimental or overly emotional person and probably never will be. Is that something you can accept and even love? Sounds to me like that is the real problem you have with his answers. He is fundamentally different from you. You can learn to cherish that or decide you want something else. Either way, it's all good. I thought his answers were cute. He obviously genuinely values you in his own way. I think that's all that matters. Do you value him? Maybe that's a better question. I don't mean any of this in a rude way by the way. Just sort of rambling.