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I had a very loving 7 month relationship with an ESFJ. Without going into too much detail, he told me loved me & wanted the best for me, but felt he could not give that to me (marriage) & by the time he was ready for marriage, it would be too late & I'd probably have found the right guy. He told me he wanted me to be picky and that I deserve the very best. He told me he needed distance because it would be way to painful to see me & he would want me all over again. I wonder, nearly 7 months later if ever thinks of me & reflects back on those amazing times we had. I know how much I love him, but without any commitment it seems so fruitless. It's complicated with his family (they interfere a lot & Mum has her own health issues - which are mostly imagined) and the fact that he is diagnosed with OCD. Really, I wonder in many ways what would cause an ESFJ to let go of someone they truly love & not fight to make it work.
 
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Do you give gifts a lot? I've noticed that the ESFJs in my life (my sister in particular) just love giving gifts. They'll be out shopping and then think, "So-and-so would love this." This could just be a coincidence, but it seems pretty ESFJ-ish to me.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
My question for you: when you realize that someone you've been close to is untrustworthy (manipulative, deceptive, abusive, etc), how do you ESFJs go about distancing yourselves from them? Do you like to confront them so they know how you feel and where they stand with you, or do you try to do it quietly and unnoticed? Do you try to avoid hurting their feelings? What's your thought process and how do you carry it out?
Well, when this happened before with one of those people, I made a conscious choice to not allow them inside my 'inner self' any longer. I determined on my own that if they needed to reach out to me, then I would be as available to them as anyone else. I would listen to them if they needed me to, but not talk about my own stuff with them, you know? I didn't tell this person I was doing it. I just made the choice, and this person never asked me anything about myself. We drifted apart pretty quickly after-- they had already gotten what they wanted out of me at that point, so from their perspective there was probably no reason to continue the relationship. I now live in the same city, and if I somehow find out through the grapevine that this person is going to be at a certain place, I will avoid that situation. But otherwise this person doesn't know that anything changed from my perspective. They probably thought we drifted apart as people often do naturally.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
I had a very loving 7 month relationship with an ESFJ. Without going into too much detail, he told me loved me & wanted the best for me, but felt he could not give that to me (marriage) & by the time he was ready for marriage, it would be too late & I'd probably have found the right guy. He told me he wanted me to be picky and that I deserve the very best. He told me he needed distance because it would be way to painful to see me & he would want me all over again. I wonder, nearly 7 months later if ever thinks of me & reflects back on those amazing times we had. I know how much I love him, but without any commitment it seems so fruitless. It's complicated with his family (they interfere a lot & Mum has her own health issues - which are mostly imagined) and the fact that he is diagnosed with OCD. Really, I wonder in many ways what would cause an ESFJ to let go of someone they truly love & not fight to make it work.
It sounds like there might have been other reasons he was not willing to share with you. He might think of you, but at the end of the day, how much does that (or his reasoning) really matter? If he was not willing to commit and that's what you needed, then other reasons don't matter. It sounds like splitting up was the healthiest option, rather than one of you compromising. I am sorry for the pain it caused, though. Breaking up is never easy, even if it is right.
 

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Discussion Starter #25
Do you give gifts a lot? I've noticed that the ESFJs in my life (my sister in particular) just love giving gifts. They'll be out shopping and then think, "So-and-so would love this." This could just be a coincidence, but it seems pretty ESFJ-ish to me.
Absolutely. Our Si catalogues all the experiences we have with people (because our Si serves our Fe), and we are able to remember small details about those we care about, and know based on our memories of that person what little thing might make them happy. We're all about making people happy. :)
 

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I love ESFJs! :eek:ctopus: I had an ESFJ band teacher. He was the nicest guy and never got truly angry in the time I was with him. I miss my band teacher, so I'm going to lurk here because I like ESFJs. I even started a "Praise the Type Above You" thread that started with me complimenting ESFJs because you guys are so awesome.

My Question Is: Is it normal for people to form stronger attachments to ESFJs in shorter amounts of time than they would with other types?
 

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Discussion Starter #27
I love ESFJs! :eek:ctopus: I had an ESFJ band teacher. He was the nicest guy and never got truly angry in the time I was with him. I miss my band teacher, so I'm going to lurk here because I like ESFJs. I even started a "Praise the Type Above You" thread that started with me complimenting ESFJs because you guys are so awesome.

My Question Is: Is it normal for people to form stronger attachments to ESFJs in shorter amounts of time than they would with other types?
Haha! Aw, thanks for the love! We can sure use it. :)

As for your question, I'm really not sure! I feel like that is more a question for the friends of ESFJs. Lol. But I could see how we could inspire people's affection towards us in a short amount of time. Thinking back on the formation of my close friendships, it does seem like the connections I made happened fairly quickly. Although, in the moment when I'm starting a new friendship, it doesn't usually feel all that quick to me. But I think that's because I tend to befriend introverts most often-- so my definition of getting close in a short amount of time is probably different from theirs. I definitely always try to make people feel as comfortable as possible, and I'm pretty generous with attention and affection. I love getting to know people on a deep, mentally and emotionally connected level. I'm probably not everyone's cup of tea, but I don't really spend time on friendships with people who aren't interested in being my friend.
 

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According to the test, Extraverted sensing is somewhat is in inferior function of mine. So, I was wondering, how does it like to be a person with extraverted sensing as your dominant function? thanks.
 

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Oh hey Caregivers ;)

Here's my question, I'm going out with a female ESFJ and she has quite figured all the next 10 years of our relationship.
She has thought of, I think, everything.. School, kids, house, city, and I can't barely say where I'll be in 2 months.

Is it typical of ESFJ to think and try to plan everything?

Also, any advice for our relation?

thanks
OK so I know I am not ESFJ...but I just had to throw in my ENTP two cents.

I am in your shoes and have been for 18 years, My wife being an ESFJ.

It is normal for them to want to have life figured out before it happens. Get
used to that. It will cause anxiety for them to not know or plan the happenings of
life on a major scale and somewhat more even in micro managing smaller details.

So, yes, I would say it is very typical for them to plan everything. It is also typical
that when the plans fall threw they will play the blame game even if it was
no ones fault.

The one hardest detail of the way my ESFJ wife acts for me to get used to was constantly
having to tell her that what she has done is doing or is going to do is appreciated and
recognized.

This for me being an ENTP is hard to do. I just assume people are doing things because
they have chosen to do so and in so doing are foregoing any recognition as that would
be the way I would do it.

Compliments drive them to points of sheer work horse potential. Lack of
compliments respect and appreciation will drive them to anger and
they get vindictive, spiteful and down right mean.

If you can string together compliments and appreciation in the right way you can
get ESFJ's to do ANYTHING for you. I mean anything and not just anything, everything.

If my wife believes what she is doing is for the good of the family and is helping
make my life easier I need but take her to diner and say words that are very uncommon for ENTP.
Like.. Thank you you make my life easier.. and ...You are such a great person...
I really appreciate all you do for us...and so on......This is like fuel for Her.

ENTP + ESFJ is a hard mix but I will say that if you can accomplish it,
it is awesome.

My wife totally cares for me day in and day out .. ups and downs.

I will never get how she argues but I have learned to deal with it.
I do not fully understand her but she is my glue thats for sure.

O and watch that damned temper ... wow can ESFJ let you know everything you have
done wrong since the beginning of time just for one thing you may have said.
They can get really really ....did i say really yet..? REALLY angry about what
an ENTP would consider a non issue.


I would say good luck but being that you are fellow ENTP
just use that great intuition and manipulation and you can have
an ESFJ take care of all that stuff in life I know ENTPs hate.
They will do it with a smile even.

p.s. I could go on for days about the emotional side to
ESFJ and how that compliments our ENTP thinking style
but this is running long.
 

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Love you ESFJ's.

Keep on keeping on.

I would ask a question but my wife of 18 years and my
eldest son are both ESFJ and as an ENTP I have made it
my business to figure them out.

You are the social glue.
 

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I love ESFJs! :eek:ctopus: I had an ESFJ band teacher. He was the nicest guy and never got truly angry in the time I was with him. I miss my band teacher, so I'm going to lurk here because I like ESFJs. I even started a "Praise the Type Above You" thread that started with me complimenting ESFJs because you guys are so awesome.

My Question Is: Is it normal for people to form stronger attachments to ESFJs in shorter amounts of time than they would with other types?
I've heard that's pretty common with ENFJs, but it hasn't been my experience. I mean of course everyone has those acquaintances where the person likes you more than you like them; that's just life. But usually, if someone wants to be my friend and get to know me, I want to be theirs as well! I love connecting with people, so I'm pretty enthusiastic about befriending anyone. And if the feeling is mutual from their end, I'm ecstatic. I try to match the receiving person's level of enthusiasm. If they really want to get close to me, I reciprocate (unless there's something that makes me want to pull the brakes), but if they don't seem too keen on me, I back off and move on. Hmmm I'd actually say I'm usually the one who feels closer to the other person!
 

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Personally I find it easier to befriend Fe-doms than any other type. Since I tend to keep my distance from people, and ExFJs tend to bridge distances from people, they're some of the only types I tend to actually build relationships with. Other types often remain just acquaintances, even if I like them a lot, I just don't know how to get closer unless life puts us together somehow.

@inregardstomyself That is so encouraging, since I'm convinced that I like my ESFJ friend more than he likes me. But I'm keeping an open mind, because I realize that he works totally differently than me (such as what you just described), and I'm learning as I go. We have the slowest-developing friendship in the world, I think, spanning many years and many time zones, but he seems to want me in his life for the long haul, so I'm optimistic. I love your insight, as always.
 

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Dear ESFJ,

What does it mean if an ESFJ (guy) tells you you're friends forever, from now into eternity? (A strong belief in a Judeo-Christian afterlife is a solid basis for your friendship.) Does it mean that he wants to be your friend that long? Or does it mean that he senses that you want to be his friend that long?! You ESFJs are so hard to figure out. ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #35
According to the test, Extraverted sensing is somewhat is in inferior function of mine. So, I was wondering, how does it like to be a person with extraverted sensing as your dominant function? thanks.
Hi Gfeee!

Our function stack actually looks like this:

Fe
Si
Ne
Ti

So we are extraverted dominant, and sensing. However, we don't have Se (extraverted sensing) in our top functions. We have Si (introverted sensing) as our second function, which is similar, but also very different.

If you want to learn about Se, here are the types to ask: ESFP, ESTP, ISFP, and ISTP. Those are all Se dom or Se secondary.

Hope that helps! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #36
Dear ESFJ,

What does it mean if an ESFJ (guy) tells you you're friends forever, from now into eternity? (A strong belief in a Judeo-Christian afterlife is a solid basis for your friendship.) Does it mean that he wants to be your friend that long? Or does it mean that he senses that you want to be his friend that long?! You ESFJs are so hard to figure out. ;)
I'd say he's pretty darn attached. Probably even in a romantic way, if there are no obstacles to being that (i.e. both of you are single and interested in each other's gender, not a-romantic, etc). I know for me, I have a hard time opening up about how much I am attached to someone, for fear of rejection. If he's opening up like that with you, I feel pretty confident that he means what he says and he feels secure in your friendship.
 

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I'd say he's pretty darn attached. Probably even in a romantic way, if there are no obstacles to being that (i.e. both of you are single and interested in each other's gender, not a-romantic, etc). I know for me, I have a hard time opening up about how much I am attached to someone, for fear of rejection. If he's opening up like that with you, I feel pretty confident that he means what he says and he feels secure in your friendship.
Thanks. :) You really have a hard time opening up about being attached to someone? I wouldn't expect that from ExFJs, you seem so open about so many other things that you feel. I'm sure it depends on the individual, but is it because you don't want the other person to feel bad or the relationship to feel awkward if they don't feel the same way you do? And in romantic relationships, are the other person's feelings ever a guide for you? I mean, would you ever develop stronger feelings or a deeper interest in someone just knowing that they had feelings for you? It sounds like it works that way for some of you in friendship, what about in romance?

My friend and I are both very heterosexual. :) But he's a monk (well, a member of a religious community) and wants to become a priest. As much as he's attracted to women and capable of truly loving a woman (he has a huge heart, of course, he's an ESFJ!) he's given up that possibility to do what he really wants to do with his life . . . I'm probably going to end up a member of the same community. Well, their sister community. (I was for a while but I left for a while, but I'll probably go back when I can.) I know he would be very happy if I did, I know he cares about me deeply (which is hard for me to believe with my very inferior-Fe insecurities but I have to be realistic and understand that he's this strange FJ breed!) I just can't quite figure out what his feelings are for me, because he's not very open with them. It would be helpful for me to know and would help me overcome my insecurities because I'd have a concrete experience of someone I really love who really loves me. Maybe they'll become clearer in time.

I'm still working out what it is to have a true, good, and healthy brother-sister relationship with someone you really love but do not want to have anything like a romance with, not because the feelings aren't there but because it wouldn't be appropriate, and in this case love means sacrificing something for a greater good. Maybe he's working out similar things? He's probably several steps ahead of me at any given time, just because he's an ESFJ and you guys are very, very good at sorting out the social and emotional stuff.

I don't know what it is, my Fe goes haywire over this guy. My rugged individualism goes out the window . . .
 

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Umm...do you have any tips on where can I find male ESFJ or even ISFJ? Like places where you usually hangout? I can't seem to find these two anywhere around my place
 

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Thanks for starting this thread! In general I am a fan of ESFJs. (You guys don't deserve all the hate you get on the Internet.)

Are you status conscious?

What does social status or social standing mean to you?
Thank you very much for being nice.
:happy:

Yes for the most part I am very concerned about the way people feel and think about me. I want people to like me so they will be nice to me. Plus, I have this thing called a conscience so if I am ever not nice or well-mannered I give myself an inner guilt-trip that on the outside probably only looks like a sad face.
Social status to me means that you are aware of your own reputation and consider it to be important. That's all I can think to say about it. Don't want to feel like I'm over-thinking it, bleh.
:tongue:

I was wondering, do ESFJs think that, if everyone in the world were just like them, they would all get along? lol
You don't have to be just like me for us to get along. Although I do like nice people the best, and I am a nice person, so you could say that I like people that remind me of myself. I don't usually make that comparison, though. I usually compare the nice people I meet to each other, and not myself.
 

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It sounds like there might have been other reasons he was not willing to share with you. He might think of you, but at the end of the day, how much does that (or his reasoning) really matter? If he was not willing to commit and that's what you needed, then other reasons don't matter. It sounds like splitting up was the healthiest option, rather than one of you compromising. I am sorry for the pain it caused, though. Breaking up is never easy, even if it is right.
Norina, yes, good observation. There were other reasons he didn't want to share with me... I often wonder why he would not want to. I typically don't see ESFJs as very private people.

Thanks for the advice.
 
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