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Discussion Starter #41
Norina, yes, good observation. There were other reasons he didn't want to share with me... I often wonder why he would not want to. I typically don't see ESFJs as very private people.

Thanks for the advice.
Perhaps this is a common misconception, or perhaps I am an uncommon ESFJ. In any case, personally I am an incredibly private person, with the exception of my husband and maybe 1-2 close friends. I typically withhold my true, full self around everyone else. There are a million reasons someone might want to hold back information. It perplexes me that people perceive ESFJs as 'open book' or 'wear your heart on your sleeve' types. I am generally so focused on making others feel at ease and cared for, that showing my full self isn't necessary or even wanted by those around me.
 

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Perhaps this is a common misconception, or perhaps I am an uncommon ESFJ. In any case, personally I am an incredibly private person, with the exception of my husband and maybe 1-2 close friends. I typically withhold my true, full self around everyone else. There are a million reasons someone might want to hold back information. It perplexes me that people perceive ESFJs as 'open book' or 'wear your heart on your sleeve' types. I am generally so focused on making others feel at ease and cared for, that showing my full self isn't necessary or even wanted by those around me.
I'm the same. In my experience, ENFPs are the ones to say that they are "open books" but don't let that message fool you. They hold back a lot, too. They can harbor all kinds of bitterness and ugly feelings against you, and completely avoid you because of these hard feelings, and you will never know unless you ask them. Believe me, I've been there and done that. I know how it can be.
 

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Hello :happy:

I've been thinking about this for quite a while, and still can't find an answer, so I hope you guys can help me.

I'm a female INTP raised by an ESFJ mother, and we get along well (we both love discussions and have common interests). Most of the time, I can figure her out. But sometimes things just... well...

Maybe my mom just loves giving things, but I think, lately, she bought to many clothes for me. I'm already a 29 years old working adult, so why the need to spoil me? Maybe it's fine in the past when I'm just a smol cute little girl, but now it's kinda... *shakes head* I live separately from her, and everytime I came home, there's this pile of new clothes waiting for me. When I can't come home for several months, she'll send them to me.

Is showering people with gifts a normal thing for ESFJ? What is the best thing to convince my mother that everytime I say "I don't need more clothes/shoes/bags/accesories" I always meant it? Honestly, I don't need much things in my life. I prefer spending my holidays at home anyway, so why would I need more (fashionable) outfits?

Thanks in advance :kitteh:
 

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Hello :happy:

I've been thinking about this for quite a while, and still can't find an answer, so I hope you guys can help me.

I'm a female INTP raised by an ESFJ mother, and we get along well (we both love discussions and have common interests). Most of the time, I can figure her out. But sometimes things just... well...

Maybe my mom just loves giving things, but I think, lately, she bought to many clothes for me. I'm already a 29 years old working adult, so why the need to spoil me? Maybe it's fine in the past when I'm just a smol cute little girl, but now it's kinda... *shakes head* I live separately from her, and everytime I came home, there's this pile of new clothes waiting for me. When I can't come home for several months, she'll send them to me.

Is showering people with gifts a normal thing for ESFJ? What is the best thing to convince my mother that everytime I say "I don't need more clothes/shoes/bags/accesories" I always meant it? Honestly, I don't need much things in my life. I prefer spending my holidays at home anyway, so why would I need more (fashionable) outfits?

Thanks in advance :kitteh:
Hello also :happy:
I don't recall ever coming across a situation like this one. I love to help people how I can, but I couldn't see myself giving them more than they need. I would think of myself as over-bearing if I did that. Sorry but I don't know what to tell you. Try to just tell her how you feel about the situation, that it's driving you crazy.
 

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Hello :happy:

I've been thinking about this for quite a while, and still can't find an answer, so I hope you guys can help me.

I'm a female INTP raised by an ESFJ mother, and we get along well (we both love discussions and have common interests). Most of the time, I can figure her out. But sometimes things just... well...

Maybe my mom just loves giving things, but I think, lately, she bought to many clothes for me. I'm already a 29 years old working adult, so why the need to spoil me? Maybe it's fine in the past when I'm just a smol cute little girl, but now it's kinda... *shakes head* I live separately from her, and everytime I came home, there's this pile of new clothes waiting for me. When I can't come home for several months, she'll send them to me.

Is showering people with gifts a normal thing for ESFJ? What is the best thing to convince my mother that everytime I say "I don't need more clothes/shoes/bags/accesories" I always meant it? Honestly, I don't need much things in my life. I prefer spending my holidays at home anyway, so why would I need more (fashionable) outfits?

Thanks in advance :kitteh:
My wife does this she is ESFJ.
My oldest son as well..ESFJ.

Especially if there is distance between us.

I do believe that the reason may be two fold.

One: They just love showing appreciation.
Two: They love receiving appreciation.

My Wife will nary let a week go buy without buying me a little gift of
some sort.

She will then touch on the subject from time to time to be sure I noticed
she appreciates me and is showing it by way of buying me items.

Seems strange to an intuitive thinker as I am but I have gotten used to it.

I have also gotten used to being "happy" and "surprised" when I do get these
little trinkets.

The clothes make sense to me as ESFJ's MUST be sure their families are well taken care of.

I would assume since you have moved out you actually get MORE clothes from her
simply since she cannot see your whole wardrobe leaving her guessing as to if you
have the right clothes for every situation.
 

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My wife does this she is ESFJ.
My oldest son as well..ESFJ.

Especially if there is distance between us.

I do believe that the reason may be two fold.

One: They just love showing appreciation.
Two: They love receiving appreciation.

My Wife will nary let a week go buy without buying me a little gift of
some sort.

She will then touch on the subject from time to time to be sure I noticed
she appreciates me and is showing it by way of buying me items.

Seems strange to an intuitive thinker as I am but I have gotten used to it.

I have also gotten used to being "happy" and "surprised" when I do get these
little trinkets.

The clothes make sense to me as ESFJ's MUST be sure their families are well taken care of.

I would assume since you have moved out you actually get MORE clothes from her
simply since she cannot see your whole wardrobe leaving her guessing as to if you
have the right clothes for every situation.
That clears things up for me. Thank you for that explanation.
:happy:
 

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Hello also :happy:
I don't recall ever coming across a situation like this one. I love to help people how I can, but I couldn't see myself giving them more than they need. I would think of myself as over-bearing if I did that. Sorry but I don't know what to tell you. Try to just tell her how you feel about the situation, that it's driving you crazy.
Thanks for replying :happy:

Hmm... telling my mom can be a difficult task to do. I mean, it takes 20+ years for her to believe me when i say, "I hate wearing jewelry. Please stop asking me to wear necklace/bracelet/ring/earrings". But then again, she once said I'm weird... Most people also found me weird, I guess it makes it difficult for people to take my words seriously/literally?

Maybe I should try different approach at communicating...

Or maybe it has something to do with different values...
 

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My wife does this she is ESFJ.
My oldest son as well..ESFJ.

Especially if there is distance between us.

I do believe that the reason may be two fold.

One: They just love showing appreciation.
Two: They love receiving appreciation.

My Wife will nary let a week go buy without buying me a little gift of
some sort.

She will then touch on the subject from time to time to be sure I noticed
she appreciates me and is showing it by way of buying me items.

Seems strange to an intuitive thinker as I am but I have gotten used to it.

I have also gotten used to being "happy" and "surprised" when I do get these
little trinkets.

The clothes make sense to me as ESFJ's MUST be sure their families are well taken care of.

I would assume since you have moved out you actually get MORE clothes from her
simply since she cannot see your whole wardrobe leaving her guessing as to if you
have the right clothes for every situation.
Thanks for replying :happy:

Whoa... you have two ESFJs in your family! Looks like you cherish each other... I'm happy to hear that :kitteh:

Hmm... yeah, I guess my mom's habit has something to do with her love language. After reading your reply, I can happily conclude that it's just her way to show appreciation. I'm just being insecure about all the clothes as gifts because I'm not fashionable. At all. My pessimistic INTP mind trying to tell me that it's her way to nudge me to pay more attention for appearance. (I've yet to find any INTx who happened to be a fashion diva). My mom, on the other hand, is great at choosing outfits. Back in my student days, I let my mom buy all my outfits for me (I'm sooo spoiled rotten).

I'm curious about something though... How do you getting used at being happy and surprised when you get the gifts? Is it your Ne? Do I need to grow some Ne?

And speaking about "the right clothes for the right occasion", there was this one time when I need a dress to attend a friend's wedding party, so I asked my mom to send me my dress (the one that I spent quite a long time to sew, and only wore it once). She sent the dress along with two new dresses that she just bought for me. Her reasoning is, "In case you change your mind and want to wear another dress." Talk about being generous! :tongue:

Btw, since I'm kinda convinced that you really love and respect your ESFJs, can you give me advice about something personal? It's a highly personal problem though, so I'd like to talk via PM, if you don't mind...
 

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Discussion Starter #49
@mestika

It sounds like your mom's love language is gifts, which you seem to have figured out. Have you talked to her about love languages? Maybe if you can figure out your own love language and explain to your mom that the clothing gifts don't do anything for you, she might be willing to change her behavior. I would hate to pour into someone in a way that I thought was making them feel loved and then find that I was missing the mark the whole time. But I think it's still better to do that than continue on this path.

The other piece that I feel is important about this realization is kind of on you. Now that you realize what her love language clearly is-- gifts-- -- it's your turn. Hopefully you will be speaking to her soon about the fact the your love language isn't the same and (again, hopefully) this will bring about a shift in her expression toward you. Is there a way you can give back to her? Even if it's something small, I think you may find that this really helps transform your relationship.
 

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Anyone sum up the presence of ESFJs? I have a friend who I think may be an ESFJ but I'm not sure. How do you guys act under stress and pressure.
 

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How would you guys react to (<this is more specific to the females) someone you like, not liking you back as much or being distant with you?
 

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lmao yeah, my friend I'm trying to type acts completely bipolar.
He can be talking about sports, happy and cheerful and before I know it hes raging and shutting down because of something mentioned.
Usually, when I get hurt, I shut down and try to avoid people. I am very quiet and don't want to say anything at all to anybody. When I am by myself after being hurt, I cry and judge myself in spoken and unspoken ways. Not very comfortable admitting this but fortunately it's all anonymous, yay!
:happy:
 

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Hi Gfeee!

Our function stack actually looks like this:

Fe
Si
Ne
Ti

So we are extraverted dominant, and sensing. However, we don't have Se (extraverted sensing) in our top functions. We have Si (introverted sensing) as our second function, which is similar, but also very different.

If you want to learn about Se, here are the types to ask: ESFP, ESTP, ISFP, and ISTP. Those are all Se dom or Se secondary.

Hope that helps! :)


Sorry for the wrong put. However, it's happend that I have my ESFJ friend as my partner in the class. And I was wondering, what introverted sensing actually means to you? Some article refered it as a "memory" but how does it actually relate to you guys in real life?

Thank you :)
 

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I'm curious about something though... How do you getting used at being happy and surprised when you get the gifts? Is it your Ne? Do I need to grow some Ne?



Btw, since I'm kinda convinced that you really love and respect your ESFJs, can you give me advice about something personal? It's a highly personal problem though, so I'd like to talk via PM, if you don't mind...

I dont really get used to being happy or surprised I just accept it.

They do a lot for me in my life and without them my life would be a mess.
I am giving them the credit they deserve.

So where small gifts and being worried about me may be unnecessary in my
mind, in their minds it means a lot. I love them both a ton and if it means a
lot to them then it means a lot to me.

I have many more parts of my personality that I am positive they have a hard time dealing with
so the least I can do is accept theirs.

ESFJ's will take care of you to the point of madness but it is their way.
I like it.

Yes you can PM me anytime with specific questions.
Be warned.... you will be getting answers :)

I can only speak on my own experiences.

Hope it helps!
 

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Discussion Starter #58
Sorry for the wrong put. However, it's happend that I have my ESFJ friend as my partner in the class. And I was wondering, what introverted sensing actually means to you? Some article refered it as a "memory" but how does it actually relate to you guys in real life?

Thank you :)
Ah, Si. It's great and horrible at the same time. The way an Si mind works is very detailed and organized. Often I have a giant to-do list in my mind-- what I need to get done at work, what I need to do around the house, what groceries I need to buy, how soon do I need to finish this book so I can return it to the library, when do I need to give my cat her medicine, what gifts do I need to buy for Christmas, etc. I rarely forget anything on this list, although I never write it down and it might be 40+ items long. Most of the things on the list are practical needs I see as a necessity to care for for those around me (because my Si serves my Fe).

Si is also pretty black and white. It is a perceiving function, so most of the work it does for me is subconscious. It tends to categorize information in my mind based on past experiences. I'm quite adept at reading and understanding people's facial expression and body language, because I have spent my entire life focused on other people and how they look when they think or feel a certain way. Si gives me a strong sense of 'right' and 'wrong'. Often high Si sees its own perspective as right, and can have a hard time looking at things from the other point of view and understanding how someone could perceive things differently.

Si typically doesn't like a lot of change all at once. I prefer to do change gradually so I have time to get my bearings.

The great thing about Si is that it always comes with Ne. Ne is very open to possibilities, ideas, and new ways of thinking. I love the fact that I have Si second and Ne third, because my Ne helps me from getting too bogged down in my own perceptions. It helps me empathize with other perspectives and come up with new strategies and plans. Even though I hate big changes all at once, I can still adapt to them fairly easily. My practical (Si) side and whimsical (Ne) sides are pretty balanced.
 

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Discussion Starter #59
How would you guys react to (<this is more specific to the females) someone you like, not liking you back as much or being distant with you?
Well, if you mean romantically, I would likely be hurt, but I would do my best to accept it and move on. I might keep the person in my mind for a while and try to be available should they change their mind, but I hate pushy people. I can pretty often tell what someone feels about me romantically, but I do seek feedback from those around me to make sure I'm right.

If you mean in a platonic sort of way, I would be sad if they didn't want to be friends, but again, I'm not going to push someone who doesn't seem interested in me.
 

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Discussion Starter #60
Anyone sum up the presence of ESFJs? I have a friend who I think may be an ESFJ but I'm not sure. How do you guys act under stress and pressure.
A summary of the presence of ESFJs in general? Probably friendly and warm.

Under stress and pressure? For me, it's head down, go go go, make things happen, do do do until the pressure is gone and things are complete. But sometimes the stress reaches a point where I just can't force myself to go or do any longer, the to-do list in my head gets overwhelming, and I need a break. I might be prone to feel in that scenario like I'm stuck and I can't go on any longer. There would likely be tears and apologies to whomever I felt I was letting down. And hour later though, I would probably continue with the task at hand (probably after trying to recruit some help in getting things accomplished) because I can't think about anything else until stressful and pressuring situations have been resolved.
 
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