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Anyone sum up the presence of ESFJs? I have a friend who I think may be an ESFJ but I'm not sure. How do you guys act under stress and pressure.
A summary of the presence of ESFJs in general? Probably friendly and warm.

Under stress and pressure? For me, it's head down, go go go, make things happen, do do do until the pressure is gone and things are complete. But sometimes the stress reaches a point where I just can't force myself to go or do any longer, the to-do list in my head gets overwhelming, and I need a break. I might be prone to feel in that scenario like I'm stuck and I can't go on any longer. There would likely be tears and apologies to whomever I felt I was letting down. And hour later though, I would probably continue with the task at hand (probably after trying to recruit some help in getting things accomplished) because I can't think about anything else until stressful and pressuring situations have been resolved.
So i dont know if he would be an ESFJ or different type thats bipolar.

Hes very emotional, likes to be there for me, and shows he cares. he liked to walk with me and gets invovled with my personal life. but some days hes a little bitch lmao. He will swear at everyone, have his head down and be all depressed, but blow up on anyone and just yell and be rude. a few minutes later he could go back to childish self
 

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Discussion Starter #62
So i dont know if he would be an ESFJ or different type thats bipolar.

Hes very emotional, likes to be there for me, and shows he cares. he liked to walk with me and gets invovled with my personal life. but some days hes a little bitch lmao. He will swear at everyone, have his head down and be all depressed, but blow up on anyone and just yell and be rude. a few minutes later he could go back to childish self
Whatever type he is, it sounds like he has some issues. If he is an ESFJ, that is not normal or healthy behavior.
 

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Yeah, i think he's bipolar. ive know him for 5+ years so he likes me more than most people in social setting. but even to me he can blow up with no reason.
Definitely has Si in him though. its extremely clear in his thought process
 

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What would you guys say are the main differences between ISFJ and ESFJ? Every now and then I take some cognitive function tests, and I actually got ESFJ on some one them. I'm pretty sure I'm still an ISFJ (guessing my Fe is just pretty high), but I thought I would ask anyway. Also asking cause I'm a bit curious about my extroverted counterpart.
 

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What would you guys say are the main differences between ISFJ and ESFJ? Every now and then I take some cognitive function tests, and I actually got ESFJ on some one them. I'm pretty sure I'm still an ISFJ (guessing my Fe is just pretty high), but I thought I would ask anyway. Also asking cause I'm a bit curious about my extroverted counterpart.
It can be hard to tell, because many ISFJs are very social, and many ESFJs do really like their down time. One thing that comes to mind is how resistant they are to change. Neither type likes it, but the ISFJs I know tend to have a stronger aversion to it, whereas ESFJs will adapt fairly quickly to new situations once they take the step, ISFJs need to give themselves more time to adjust. ISFJs tend to be more concerned with "how things ought to be". They seem to be constantly evaluating in their minds if things are right or not. And I don't know any ISFJs who are really comfortable in the spotlight, they like to step aside and let others shine. The ESFJs I know are more comfortable stepping up and running the show, although they don't like to be the star, either, they like to share the spotlight with others and let them each have their turn. The ESFJ's primary concern is not "are things as they should be?" (Si) but "is everyone happy?" (Fe). Of course there's a ton of overlap there because both types use both functions together, but which one is stronger?

Another thought. The ISFJs I know seem to question themselves and their reactions to things more than the ESFJs. The ESFJs experience big emotions, and accept those feelings as facts, "I feel this way". The ISFJs tend to doubt their feelings more, wonder if their feelings are appropriate, wonder if anyone else is feeling the same way, etc.

None of this is science, these are just my observations. There's a ton of overlap in these two types, and it all depends on the individual.
 

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It can be hard to tell, because many ISFJs are very social, and many ESFJs do really like their down time. One thing that comes to mind is how resistant they are to change. Neither type likes it, but the ISFJs I know tend to have a stronger aversion to it, whereas ESFJs will adapt fairly quickly to new situations once they take the step, ISFJs need to give themselves more time to adjust. ISFJs tend to be more concerned with "how things ought to be". They seem to be constantly evaluating in their minds if things are right or not. And I don't know any ISFJs who are really comfortable in the spotlight, they like to step aside and let others shine. The ESFJs I know are more comfortable stepping up and running the show, although they don't like to be the star, either, they like to share the spotlight with others and let them each have their turn. The ESFJ's primary concern is not "are things as they should be?" (Si) but "is everyone happy?" (Fe). Of course there's a ton of overlap there because both types use both functions together, but which one is stronger?
Thanks, that was pretty insightful.

I try to be as open-minded about change, but I usually ask what exactly will change and why. If there's a good reason to makes changes, then I won't be against it. I can adjust fairly easy, but sometimes it takes some time, like you said. It depends on the situation.

I don't mind being in the spotlight if needed, but I don't really look it up. When necessary, I will step up, but if someone else wants to take the spotlight or seems to be better at handling it than me, I'd gladly let them do so. Also kinda depends on the situation.

Another thought. The ISFJs I know seem to question themselves and their reactions to things more than the ESFJs. The ESFJs experience big emotions, and accept those feelings as facts, "I feel this way". The ISFJs tend to doubt their feelings more, wonder if their feelings are appropriate, wonder if anyone else is feeling the same way, etc.
This I can relate to a lot. While I can be certain about my feelings, I tend to doubt them at times. For example: If I'm upset, I usually wonder (or sometimes ask others) if I'm not overreacting or exaggerating, making me reluctant to speak up sometimes. I'm trying to be more vocal about it, cause I know that keeping quiet doesn't help me much either.

If anyone else has more, that would be great. I'd love to hear more!
 

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My husband is most likely ESFJ. He is an awesome, warm person, extremely conscious of other people and trying to make them feel good. Except that I never see that person except when he is interacting with other people. Instead I get a controlling, ranting, cold person who can't understand that I have feelings too that sometimes I would like to talk about too. I think he may be insecure about us in someway and this may be a coping mechanism. He is also under tremendous stress in his job as well. I just want to understand this better so I can help and so maybe we can to a more balanced relationship. Any insights would be helpful.
 

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My husband is most likely ESFJ. He is an awesome, warm person, extremely conscious of other people and trying to make them feel good. Except that I never see that person except when he is interacting with other people. Instead I get a controlling, ranting, cold person who can't understand that I have feelings too that sometimes I would like to talk about too. I think he may be insecure about us in someway and this may be a coping mechanism. He is also under tremendous stress in his job as well. I just want to understand this better so I can help and so maybe we can to a more balanced relationship. Any insights would be helpful.
Alright, I can share some personal experiences here. Now, your husband and I are not the same person, so none of this may actually be relevant or accurate to/for him (my disclaimer).

When I was younger, growing up, I was the nicest, sweetest, doormat-iest kid ever...at school. When I got home, I was cranky, irritable, and moody. At school, I was under pressure to feel liked and accepted by my peers, so I was suuuuuch a people pleaser. It drained all of my energy, so by the time I got home, I let my guard down, dropped the pretenses, and unleashed all the negativity that I tried so hard to cover up at school. I felt the inconsistency too, and I did feel bad. But it wasn't until my mom (also an INFJ) finally pointed it out, that I truly saw it myself. I think that was the moment that I really started trying harder.

It is easier for many people to put up a nice, sweet face outside, and not try as hard with the people we're close to. We know that the people who love us, will continue to love us even when they see our bad side, so we feel a little more comfortable showing our irritability, our displeasure, our crankiness. This gets worse when we're under pressure, especially if we're an Fe-type. The pressure drains our energy and makes it harder for us to be our sweet and cheery selves, but we'd die first before we let the rest of the world see that. So keeping up the charade drains our energy even more, that by the time we're with our loved ones, all we have left is that negativity and sourness. And we recognize it. We feel bad too, but we may need a little help coping.

So perhaps your husband could do with the same wake-up call I had. What would happen if you told him this? If he's healthy, he'll know it's true, feel bad because deep down he knows he's hurting you, and feel worse when he realizes that you knew it too and were fully aware. Nothing hurts us more than knowing we've hurt those closest to us.
 

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Discussion Starter #69
What would you guys say are the main differences between ISFJ and ESFJ? Every now and then I take some cognitive function tests, and I actually got ESFJ on some one them. I'm pretty sure I'm still an ISFJ (guessing my Fe is just pretty high), but I thought I would ask anyway. Also asking cause I'm a bit curious about my extroverted counterpart.
One of my best friends is an ISFJ. We're very similar. The main difference between us is that she is introverted and looks at everything from an Si perspective first, where as I am extroverted and look at everything from an Fe perspective first. It is obvious that my Ne is higher than hers, and she uses her Ti more to analyze her Si perceptions of Fe situations.

She is a very warm, caring person. But she is less willing to compromise on things she sees as being inherently right or wrong. I might have Si perceptions of certain situations, but I am a more live and let live type of person.
 

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My husband is most likely ESFJ. He is an awesome, warm person, extremely conscious of other people and trying to make them feel good. Except that I never see that person except when he is interacting with other people. Instead I get a controlling, ranting, cold person who can't understand that I have feelings too that sometimes I would like to talk about too. I think he may be insecure about us in someway and this may be a coping mechanism. He is also under tremendous stress in his job as well. I just want to understand this better so I can help and so maybe we can to a more balanced relationship. Any insights would be helpful.
Stress can really affect me, personally. Especially because I feel like I can't show how stressed I am to the outside world. I have to always be 'on' for the world and take care of everyone else's problems. My own feelings come secondary, until I get home. When I was younger and less developed/mature, I would come home to my parents when stressed and be kind of bitchy. It's like... You know your family is supposed to love you unconditionally, so you don't always have to be 'on'. Now that I'm older and wiser and married, I try to be very aware of how I am treating my husband. If he is also stressed, I automatically become the strong supporter, even if I feel similarly terrible. If I am stressed, he is the strong one. We take turns supporting each other, and we try to spend a lot of time together doing fun, relaxing things that help strengthen the foundation of our relationship.

Can you sit down and talk to him in a calm, neutral setting? Tell him, "This is how I see you act around others. This is how I feel when you come home and do X. What can we change in our life so you are not stressed? How can we strengthen our relationship and spend time doing fun and relaxing things?" Especially if you feel that he is trying to control you, point out specific examples of what he has done that made you feel like that. I'm sure he will feel terrible when he realizes how he's been making you feel.

Good luck, and I wish you all the best.
 

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One of my best friends is an ISFJ. We're very similar. The main difference between us is that she is introverted and looks at everything from an Si perspective first, where as I am extroverted and look at everything from an Fe perspective first. It is obvious that my Ne is higher than hers, and she uses her Ti more to analyze her Si perceptions of Fe situations.

She is a very warm, caring person. But she is less willing to compromise on things she sees as being inherently right or wrong. I might have Si perceptions of certain situations, but I am a more live and let live type of person.
Thanks for your input. I can relate to the things you mentioned pretty well.

Another question: How do you guys use your Ne?

Hope I'm not bombarding you guys with questions, I'm genuinely interested! :>
 

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Do you feel like you mirror the feelings of people you talk to?

I noticed that my ESFJ best friend tends to do that very often so I was wondering if it's just her or it's common for ESFJs.
 

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Discussion Starter #73
Thanks for your input. I can relate to the things you mentioned pretty well.

Another question: How do you guys use your Ne?

Hope I'm not bombarding you guys with questions, I'm genuinely interested! :>
I love answering questions and helping people understand healthy ESFJs better!

On Ne: For me, Ne comes in when I'm speaking quite often. I may start a sentence not quite knowing what I'm going to say, but it just comes to me as I start speaking. I tend to repeat my ideas/theories several times with slightly different wording, as I realize my own meaning and try to hone in on the precise words I need. It also comes in a lot when I'm trying to fix a problem or do a physical project. I can intuitively sense how to fix something with random things I have on hand, even if they aren't the conventional or "correct" tools/materials for the job. Or, if I'm cooking, I can pretty easily just 'know' what flavors will work together, or how much of an ingredient I will need for a certain dish-- I hate and never use recipes. It's like-- because my Ne is slightly higher than my Ti, I can experiment with new things without being bogged down with how logical my ideas are. To me, if it works and serves my purpose, it doesn't matter if it makes logical sense (of course that only applies in some areas of life, and I don't consider that a blanket philosophy by any means).

My Ne also balances out my Si pretty well the older I get. It comes out in support of my Fe a lot when it comes to social issues. I was raised in church for a good portion of my life and had a pretty Si clear cut view of a lot of topics based on things I learned in that environment. But as I've gotten older and have been exposed to more ways of thinking, I have become more open-minded and accepting of things that Christianity has a very narrow view point on. I don't consider myself religious any more-- developing my Ne has made me question a lot of things I previously took for granted, and I think a lot of ideas and perceptions I used to have are wrong now. Not that every ESFJ would go that way necessarily, but I think developing our Ne helps us see perspectives other than our own as being valid too.
 

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Discussion Starter #74
Do you feel like you mirror the feelings of people you talk to?

I noticed that my ESFJ best friend tends to do that very often so I was wondering if it's just her or it's common for ESFJs.
Hmm. I guess you could say that. To me, it is more like expressing sympathy. I don't literally feel the emotions of others, personally. I'm not a super emotional person, so I typically don't feel any emotions, unless something unusual happens to warrant them. But I definitely sense the tone/mood of what is going on with someone else and act accordingly with them. If someone is expressing sadness about a situation in their life, I might not literally feel sadness along with them (perhaps in some cases I might), but I would definitely adopt an attitude and demeanor appropriate for the conversation, to show understanding. I think that would be pretty typical for ESFJs.
 

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If you are with an introverted person, what do you think some fun things to do would be (not group activities)? i mean like - kick back at the library (did you get a huge laugh when I said kick back at the library?), go to a classical music concert. you know stuff you would do with one other person.

If you were with someone introverted and they didn't really like parties being thrown at home (even every month being too much) would that be alright with you?

if you were with someone introverted and they didnt mind group activities every now and then (stuff like board game night or bowling) would that be something you would actually do or would you prefer being the organizer of such activities without getting involved in said activities?

What do you think are the "intersection points" or "commonalities" between yourself and INTJ? Where do you see points of friction?

Does your Si make it difficult for you to forget anything? when you are annoyed by something do you usually tell the other person what it is was that annoyed you?

Do you tolerate arrogance? what about pride? contempt?

If someone told you that it is less important how the person feels and more important that reality be acknowledged, would you be able to give advice based on that prioritization?

Do you use an informing or a directive style of communication? if you use an informing style of communication what do you mean when you say "There is no milk in the fridge"?

When you get angry do you stay angry (short fuse or long fuse)?

Do you prefer that the overall atmosphere be harmonious even if that is not reality or do you prefer to tackle any "issues" head on and attempt to reach a mutual understanding where you get to keep your view and I get to keep mine?

Give me one example of something that is totally "fun" to you, regardless of whether other people enjoy that or not?

Do you take "vacations"? or do you take educational vacations? what do you do when you are on vacation?

Do you like to be pampered? or do you prefer to do the pampering?

two people get into an extremely heated argument and one of them is you. do you stick to your viewpoint or do you back off? do you ever come back to address that argument?

that is it for now:)
 

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How do I know when an ESFJ is interested in me, or even flirting, or if they're just being an ESFJ? 17-8 yo. We didn't talk all that much (only when we happened to see each other) until I started asking her for advice when a mutual friend kind of broke my heart. Since then we've started talking more and texting here and there (for example, she texted me after a party about how much she appreciated being able to talk to "smart people"; we'd spent a good while talking about psychology and school and travel). She knows I'm sort of torn up about the aforementioned friend, and pretty frequently she'll try to get me to open up; "How ARE you??". I haven't yet. Basically, she's being super-mother-hen-ESFJ-stereotype.

Another thing. People thought she liked one of my friends, and once when I asked her about it she said no, she's doesn't. She's used to having guy friends, and people mistake her thoughtfulness for interest. She also said she isn't looking for a relationship until university (which is in a couple years here). This was a while ago, however, and in spite of this I'm wondering if something's beginning to be up.

So like, what's the difference between being friends with an ESFJ and being the special interest of an ESFJ? Is the dual-seeking as strong with this one as it is with me (INTP)? As a note, I'm not that invested in a positive answer. It's becoming a very satisfying friendship, and I'm still head over heels for the other friend. I'm just not sure if this is out-of-the-ordinary stuff. She's the only ESFJ I know, so I don't have any reference points for behaviour. Thanks!
 

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Discussion Starter #77
Hi @the_cheshire_cat

That's quite a lot of questions! I will do my best to answer them.

If you are with an introverted person, what do you think some fun things to do would be (not group activities)? i mean like - kick back at the library (did you get a huge laugh when I said kick back at the library?), go to a classical music concert. you know stuff you would do with one other person.
First off: I love the library! If I had more time, I would go every 2-3 weeks (alas, adulting gets in the way...).

I'm married to an INTP, and my closest friends that I see several times a week are another INTP, an ISFP, and an INFJ. We spend a lot of time at our favorite coffee shop talking or writing (several of us are writing novels). Sometimes we hang out in groups or 1 on 1, but the activities are usually the same. We spend a lot of time at each other's homes, playing board games, watching movies, going to thrift stores, having interesting discussions, etc. Occasionally we'll go downtown and explore the city we live in, go to museums, farmers market, etc. A couple of my friends are a bit strapped for cash currently, so bigger stuff like going to hear the symphony or ballet is reserved for special occasions, but I quite like those things too and definitely go when I have the chance.

I'm generally up for whatever the other person wants to do. I don't particularly care for sports (spectating or participating), but neither is anyone else I spend time with regularly.

If you were with someone introverted and they didn't really like parties being thrown at home (even every month being too much) would that be alright with you?
Like I said, I'm married to an INTP. He's one of the most introverted people I've ever met. I am very conscious of his introversion and do my best to be respectful of it. We always check with each other before inviting anyone over. When we do have gatherings at our house, they tend to be very small and with family and close friends. Personally, I don't want to throw parties every month-- I feel like I have to make everything perfect and do lots of cleaning, food prep, etc. I like having people over, but I also need a lot of alone time for an extravert. If there are people at my house several days in a row, it gets to the point where I just want to kick them all out and hide away. But I am definitely Fe-dom. It's about balance for me, and making sure my INTP is comfortable and having fun in our home.

if you were with someone introverted and they didnt mind group activities every now and then (stuff like board game night or bowling) would that be something you would actually do or would you prefer being the organizer of such activities without getting involved in said activities?
My husband has recently instated a weekly 'game night' at our house with our friends and a few siblings who live close by. Sometimes they play video games, sometimes they play board games. Sometimes I join in, or sometimes I just watch and hang out with them. So yeah, I like to be involved as long as the activity interests me. Usually I will hang out either way. Not much point in organizing a group of people if I'm not going to be involved, IMO.

What do you think are the "intersection points" or "commonalities" between yourself and INTJ? Where do you see points of friction?
Well, ESFJs and INTJs don't share any cognitive functions. So I think it totally depends on the two individuals and where their interests lie. I think in general, an INTJ might really appreciate an ESFJ because the ESFJ would be pretty likely to see the INTJ's needs and know when to try to understand the INTJ's feelings, or see when they need alone time. And the ESFJ would likely admire the INTJ's boldness and leadership skills. INTJs are great at organizing people and seeing where their potential lies and how best to make a group function together in a business or team type setting.

One of my brothers-in-law is an INTJ, and while we're not super close, we can both tend to get really silly and understand each other's sense of humor (even though it might not be the same). We work well together when we're paired up with a task. I think INTJs and ESFJs both see what needs to get done (from different perspectives), and are typically good at doing whatever that is when we're motivated correctly; we're both responsible.

Biggest point of friction I could see would be Fe-dom coming up against Fi-tertiary. ESFJs tend to automatically see things from other people's perspectives, and take into account a lot of people related data when making a decision that would just never occur to an INTJ with lower Fi. ESFJ and INTJ inherently have different values. But I think this can definitely be overcome with mutual understanding and respect. It's never been an issue for me, personally.

Does your Si make it difficult for you to forget anything? when you are annoyed by something do you usually tell the other person what it is was that annoyed you?
Si paired with Fe tends to not hold grudges, at least in my experience. I don't really tend to remember how I felt about things, because once I stop feeling something, I'm done with it. It's over. I may remember a situation, but the emotions I once felt about it don't really resurface.

If I am annoyed by another person... It totally depends. If it's a behavior that rubs me the wrong way, I would have to ask myself if it's something the person really has control over, and whether or not the issue really lies with me and I should just get over it. If it's something they're consciously doing to annoy people, yeah I would tell them to cut it out. I don't know... It's entirely dependent on the situation, and what it is that annoys me. If it's fundamentally part of someone, and there isn't malicious intent behind whatever it is, I would just do my best to get over it, or not spend time around that person if it really bothered me.

Do you tolerate arrogance? what about pride? contempt?
Tolerate in what way? I always approach relationships trying to believe the best in people (unless/until they prove me wrong, and even then I will often give them another chance). Everyone is arrogant, prideful, or contemptuous in some ways or in certain situations. I don't fault anyone for displaying less desirable traits occasionally. If someone is so full of themselves that those are the main traits of their persona, I would make every effort to spend less time with that person.

If someone told you that it is less important how the person feels and more important that reality be acknowledged, would you be able to give advice based on that prioritization?
Ugh, what even is reality? Haha. Advice can be given while still considering the effect of your words on another human. Tough love can still be delivered gently.

If a friend presented me with a situation and asked for my advice and said, "Give it to me straight, even if it hurts." Then I would tell them plainly what I thought, in a gentle way. The two aren't mutually exclusive, IMO.

Do you use an informing or a directive style of communication? if you use an informing style of communication what do you mean when you say "There is no milk in the fridge"?
I really have no idea. I tried to look it up, but the most informative page I found didn't really help, because I think I use both (at least from the description). If I say "There is no milk in the fridge," then there would be context surrounding that statement. Did someone ask me for milk? Did someone leave the milk on the counter all night? Are we making a grocery list?

When you get angry do you stay angry (short fuse or long fuse)?
Nope. As I mentioned above, I feel what I feel, and then move on once I'm done.

Do you prefer that the overall atmosphere be harmonious even if that is not reality or do you prefer to tackle any "issues" head on and attempt to reach a mutual understanding where you get to keep your view and I get to keep mine?
Your questions are interesting to me. IMO, the atmosphere between 2 or more people cannot be harmonious unless it is actually harmonious. If there is tension, I feel it. If there are bad vibes, I feel them. I prefer things to be really, truly harmonious. If there is an issue, by all means, let's please take care of it so we can get back to a good atmosphere.

Give me one example of something that is totally "fun" to you, regardless of whether other people enjoy that or not?
I do things that I think are fun without any regard for whether other people might enjoy them all the time. Dancing naked through my house? I dunno.

Do you take "vacations"? or do you take educational vacations? what do you do when you are on vacation?
Haha! What is an educational vacation? If I'm traveling and want to learn about something in the place that I'm at, I do. If I want to take time off of work and lay around in my PJs for a week, I do. Or sometimes I visit friends that live far away. To me an 'educational vacation' sounds like someone is forcing me to learn all these certain things in a new city and then administer a test at the end. That sounds horrible.

Do you like to be pampered? or do you prefer to do the pampering?
I dunno, what do you mean by 'pampering'? If anyone besides my husband does something to treat me, I feel awkward.

two people get into an extremely heated argument and one of them is you. do you stick to your viewpoint or do you back off? do you ever come back to address that argument?
I shut down when negative emotions run high. If the other person wants to discuss things in a calm, rational manner, then I'm all for it. But I never get into 'heated arguments'. It hurts physically and makes me anxious.

that is it for now:)
Whew! Haha I hope I helped.
 

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Discussion Starter #78
How do I know when an ESFJ is interested in me, or even flirting, or if they're just being an ESFJ? 17-8 yo. We didn't talk all that much (only when we happened to see each other) until I started asking her for advice when a mutual friend kind of broke my heart. Since then we've started talking more and texting here and there (for example, she texted me after a party about how much she appreciated being able to talk to "smart people"; we'd spent a good while talking about psychology and school and travel). She knows I'm sort of torn up about the aforementioned friend, and pretty frequently she'll try to get me to open up; "How ARE you??". I haven't yet. Basically, she's being super-mother-hen-ESFJ-stereotype.

Another thing. People thought she liked one of my friends, and once when I asked her about it she said no, she's doesn't. She's used to having guy friends, and people mistake her thoughtfulness for interest. She also said she isn't looking for a relationship until university (which is in a couple years here). This was a while ago, however, and in spite of this I'm wondering if something's beginning to be up.

So like, what's the difference between being friends with an ESFJ and being the special interest of an ESFJ? Is the dual-seeking as strong with this one as it is with me (INTP)? As a note, I'm not that invested in a positive answer. It's becoming a very satisfying friendship, and I'm still head over heels for the other friend. I'm just not sure if this is out-of-the-ordinary stuff. She's the only ESFJ I know, so I don't have any reference points for behaviour. Thanks!
Hmmm... Tough one. I would ask, does she exhibit similar behavior with her other friends that you know of? I'm married to an INTP, and we started 'talking' and then dating after a few months of that, when we were 17 and 18. I focused most on my attention toward talking to him, although I was friends with other guys. We would spend hours talking on the phone most days (I'm talking like 8 hour calls... Haha do you kids even talk on the phone any more?).

Did she tell you that she wasn't interested in a relationship til university when you asked about the other guy? Or is this info you are getting from another person? Personally, even if I wasn't really ready to date anyone, I wouldn't tell that to someone I was interested in when they asked me about liking someone else. If this conversation went like this:

You: Hey, do you like so-and-so?
Her: Nah, a lot of people mistake my thoughtfulness for interest. I'm not going to date anyone until university (several years in the future) anyway.

Then I would say she probably isn't interested in you romantically.
 

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@Norina : those are some very interesting answers and you sound like a very sensible person. while your perspective is quite different, it is very clear that they are genuine and authentic. thanks for clearing things for me at least from one ESFJ perspective. we will have to see if other ESFJs take me up on this.
btw, an educational vacation would be like a vacation with a purpose - doing a 2 week marine biology vacation where we have to collect sea life and examine them and do some stats on them is my favorite since it combines the sea with a favorite educational activity of mine.
pampering means that you get to be the queen and your husband is a slave (of course we are talking of a loved partner, doesn't have to be a husband)
haha, i loved how you said if you had more time you would go every 2-3 weeks. every 2-3 weeks when my kids were young used to what I did when I had no time:)
here is the link for the perC discussion on interaction styles in the ISFP subforum : http://personalitycafe.com/isfp-forum-artists/715482-interaction-styles.html
 
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@Norina : those are some very interesting answers and you sound like a very sensible person. while your perspective is quite different, it is very clear that they are genuine and authentic. thanks for clearing things for me at least from one ESFJ perspective. we will have to see if other ESFJs take me up on this.
Thanks! May I ask what prompted these questions? Curiosity, or is there an ESFJ in your life you're trying to understand better?

btw, an educational vacation would be like a vacation with a purpose - doing a 2 week marine biology vacation where we have to collect sea life and examine them and do some stats on them is my favorite since it combines the sea with a favorite educational activity of mine.
Oh! I see. Yes, I think that could be fascinating-- I prefer history more than biology. But put me in a historical location and give me a guide who could teach me new and fascinating things about the historical locations-- yes please.

pampering means that you get to be the queen and your husband is a slave (of course we are talking of a loved partner, doesn't have to be a husband)
My husband does a lot of nice things for me, but I think designating a time for him to pamper me sounds awkward for our relationship. But of course I like to be taken care of, and I like to take care of him also.

haha, i loved how you said if you had more time you would go every 2-3 weeks. every 2-3 weeks when my kids were young used to what I did when I had no time:)
Haha! It's all about priorities, isn't it?

here is the link for the perC discussion on interaction styles in the ISFP subforum : http://personalitycafe.com/isfp-forum-artists/715482-interaction-styles.html
Thanks, I will check it out.
 
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