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[ESFP] 
183K views 1K replies 295 participants last post by  donaldgrape 
#1 ·
I was perusing the ESFP thread and noticed a lack of stickied threads, then I felt like I would help out:happy:

I've only seen this in two other threads but both seemed to do fairly well, so... ask an ESFP a question!

I shall ask one right now, @Stephen might you sticky this thread perchance?

EDIT:
and they need a photo thread sticky!
http://personalitycafe.com/esfp-forum-performers/100943-dis-my-face.html

DOUBLE EDIT: well... sticky if they want it stickied... don't want to be that guy... everyone that reads will know what I'm talking about lol.
 
#55 ·
The slowness with chores is probably passive aggression. ESFP is not naturally good at setting boundaries. I still have trouble if I see the person as having some kind of power in the relationship. If I don't respect them or care, I can be very assertive. If I respect them or want their approval, I can still be assertive but it takes conscious effort - based on personally valuing healthy relationships.

And my form of boundary-setting is still a bit sweet and vulnerable. Rather than snarking I usuall would say something like, "It hurts my feelings when you speak to me that way." If this is happening because of abuse, then that might not change anything. I would hope the parents just don't realize what they are doing.

If she failed in school it could be due to living out the belief of being a failure. If the feedback from parents is as bad as you say. Emotional abuse can create perfectionists and it can also create self-sabotage.

She may be one of those girls who tries to get into a relationship early, maybe even marriage early, as a way to leave home. Not sure, not enough info. I think therapy would be good for her at any rate.
 
#84 ·
My daughter has befriended this girl and is now very worried. The ESFP is having very risky sexual behavior (having unprotected sex with more than one guy). And it is as you say. She is trying to get pregnant in order to escape the reality of her family.

My daughter wants me to talk some sense in this girl. And this is odd because usually my ENTP daughter does not get "tripped out" by other people's behavior very much. She is very much an advocate herself without judgment, but even she is incredibly worried about this ESFP.

Just to let you know, I've already told the ESFP girl that I'd take her to get on birth control and her parents wouldn't have to know at all. But she seems to indulge in this behavior. She also says the guys don't like condoms. She is also cheating on her boyfriend which is really no big deal because he is not in her league, a couple of years younger, and has cheated on her many times.

I feel like these unsafe guys coupled with unsafe sex is the only way she is dealing with her anger at her parents. I also feel I'm at that crucial point where I've lost her and she has resigned herself to this lifestyle. What as a "cool friend/aunt" can I do? She is only 15. I believe she has no power in her household so she is trying to take her power sexually.

Everything is "fun" for her, so it's going to be hard when I bring up the subject and become a "downer". I really wish she'd spend some time alone with me so we could just talk. But she is so fucking social. That may never happen unless I make the one-on-one really attractive. But I don't even think an invitation to Paris would help at this point. She has let go of caring about her family or what anyone expects of her.

I know she will end up pregnant soon.
 
#56 · (Edited)
I must apologize in advance if this comes off as aggressive, because I'm pretty annoyed at an esfp right now, but I know deep down that it's not a big deal, so don't worry, k?

I have a friend(?) that I've known for about 3 years now. For the past several months his communication tends to consist of randomly calling me and then ignoring me for weeks. And then being like oh dude where you been? and then proceeding to ignore me again. Thing is, these random call/texts don't even last an entire conversation! I'm introverted and easily distracted, so I can go a while without communication, and I try to be nice, friendly, entertaining, easy-going... but I feel like either his attention span is retarded or he's just trying to prove that he can still get a reaction out of me, like maintaining a harem or something. The last one went like so:

Him : 5:04: Kate!
Me : 5:12: Hey dude what up?
Him: 5:23: Nothing! Haven't hear from you in a whole while...
Me: 5:25: ye olde not-much-going-on... :p
Him: 5:26: Working hard or hardly working?
Me: 5:28: If you count completely dismantling my stove in order to clean it, then yes. Ha. Hows your summer going?

And... th-th-th-that's all, folks. This kind of conversation is getting old and I feel like just never answering the phone again when he calls or texts me.

edit: I realize that I didn't actually ask a question... just stated the problem. I guess I'm looking for: Do you recognize this behavior pattern, would you act like this, and what would it mean if you did?

And any other thoughts that fly through your mind.
 
#58 ·
@HamsterSamurai

(Awesome id btw!!!!!)

No way... Don't recognize that. Reminds me of friends who try to chat with me on facebook but don't say much and it's obvious they are talking to one or two other people. Your options include not answering, or calling him sometimes (if you want to talk to him).

I would be too annoyed. I'd be like oh sorry my phone was on silent :ninja:
 
#60 ·
This probably doesn't help much, but just giving her a place to be herself with yourself and your daughter, where she can relax, have fun, be herself, know that her uniqueness and her strengths are seen and appreciated; I'd imagine that all of that would go very far, especially for a dominant-Se sensor, in helping her keep steady and slowly put her situation into perspective, realizing how bad things really are in her home environment. It's tricky because you never want to undermine the parent-child relationship, they'll do that on their own as she gets older and realizes how things really are, but giving her a safe space is in no way undermining. She'll figure out the rest in time. Also, I hear ESFPs absolutely thrive on positive attention and appreciation (if not overdone, of course). You probably have plenty of opportunity to boost her spirits and slowly build self-worth that naturally wants to be there but has never been given a chance to grow. Let her know sometimes what you see in her. She sounds like a real sweetheart and she feels connected to you. You probably do so much for her already just by being there and being yourself. (If you're anything like the ENFP in my life, you do.) Do you tell it to her straight that those guys are being control freaks with her, that that's wrong, and how real relationships are based on love and respect? Has she seen movies or heard stories about healthy friendships and romance? Does she dream of being treated right by a guy? Is there any way you can plant the seeds of those kinds of dreams? Girls are dying to hear this stuff.

I probably don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not a mother, I just love kids, and I adore ESFPs, and I feel for this girl.
 
#64 ·
I don't understand you guys. Can you explain some of your actions to me?

I know an ESFP and honestly he is a very nice person. For more than once I considered something serious between two of us, but for more than once I considered giving up as well, because you are just confusing!

He asked for companion to a music concert, featuring a Soprano, and I am a Soprano, so I naturally asked him to let me be his companion and he said okay. But just a few days before the concert when I wanted to confirm with him, he said he's too busy ... and I was fine with it.

Then for once again we both had to attend the wedding party of a teacher. Since he got my invitation for me, I suggested to go there with him, and promised to give him a call in the afternoon that day. So when I called him that day, he said he was already heading there and I had to go there myself! :O

He is very good. He remembers my rants and such, and he can talk both light-hearted matters and serious matters (he likes languages, and me too). He will give me a word or two of courage through facebook when I am evidently down.

But this really confuses me. I always take that he is not interested so I really want to give up -- I don't want to annoy him if this is his sign of "no". But on the other hand, if this is simply part of his personality, it would be stupid of me to give up.

Is it common for you to be a little ... er ... scattered? Will you be scared if I suddenly give you a song as a birthday present? Does it mean he is simply not interested if I am the one who dial the number? (Well he is willing to talk to me though.)

Thanks a lot. I have a really hard time reading you ESFPs. But you are fun.
 
#65 ·
I really want an ESFP friend for some reason. Or at least to talk to one. They seem so happy and fun-loving. It intrigues me. :tongue:
So my question is, where can I find you guys, and how do I pick you out from billions of others?
 
#91 ·
I'll be your friend! I'm right here! :happy:
 
#66 ·
I like that question. ^ ;)

Anyways. So. I have a big problem. And I hope ESFPs have the knowledge to help me with it.

It all starts with a girl. An INFP girl, though that shouldn't really matter, who's dating an INFP guy and left a relationship with a rather possessive ESTP that lasted ALMOST two years. He causes quite a few problems with them. But none of that's what I'm trying to focus on here. The real question I'm posing to you guys, has to do with the ESFP best friend of this girl.

I've been asking around a bit as to how ESFPs act when they like someone, and I have to admit, this guys showing the signs (although his closest friend has already confirmed what I suspected) of liking this INFP girl as well. Has been crushing on her for quite a while- started sometime during her relationship with his ESTP friend. My question is, what can I/we do to stop this? It's unhealthy for him to be wanting her, when she's so determined to make things work out with her INFP boyfriend. He's needlessly torturing himself with longing and jealousy (so I suspect).
 
#69 ·
Is there anything I'll need to watch out for- any way I could possibly step wrong and hurt his feelings? A lot of people already know he likes her (the INFP girl and her boyfriend included)- he's not exactly shy about it. I'm concerned he might have heard this thing before, as he's liked her for quite some time now: probably for more than a year. The only reason he never struck up a relationship with her, I believe, is because the ESTP ex probably would've slaughtered him. -.-
 
#68 ·
ThatOne, it's a really common type. You can find plenty of them at bars. We also like hands-on stuff, so sports clubs, running groups, hands-on creative stuff, that kind of thing.
 
#74 ·
Wow Milkshakes... Wow... Your story almost perfectly resembles the situation I'm in right now.... o.o

The girl (my absolute best friend, an INFP) I've fallen in love with the moment I laid eyes on her, about a year and three months ago (and still am in love with) also proceeded to have a relationship with an ESTP guy (who she met on that same night) for almost a year.

I'm still in love with her and only told her after their relationship had ended (not wanting to be the guy waiting for a relationship to break up before taking the girl...). On the other hand, I díd tell her I love her, though the feeling isn't mutual. We're still best friends, though she sometimes feels like she has lost her best friend and got me how I am now in return, a guy that just says yes to everything and accepts everything she does (which I don't). This might have something to do with the fact that we also kissed a few times. Though I get the feeling she doesn't think that anymore, so that's good :)

We're all members of the same student society, so we see each other almost daily.

The ESTP guy is a very quiet guy, very gentle. He also knows I'm in love with his ex, though he did not threaten or intimidate me, so that's a relief. XD He's also a very good friend of mine, which makes it quite awkward at times.

The INFP girl is a very kind girl, likes to work hard for the student society (often to the point of over-exerting herself, at which point either me or her ESTP ex jumps in to take care of her so she doesn't neglect herself). She also likes to get a lot of attention (which I, of course, am more than willing to give... XD)
Many people at the student society judge her because they think she's stringing me along, playing me for her own good. They are wrong though, as I've been in a relationship where, in hindsight, I probably was used as a sort of emotional outlet for my (probably ENFP) ex, so I know when I'm being used. (Also, I've already said no to the INFP girl a few times when I just did not have the time to help.)

And then there's me, the ESFP, a drama-queen, always wanting to be in the centre of attention (and not always getting it in a good way...). Almost everybody at the student society knows I'm in love with her, since I can hardly keep it hidden. People at the society generally like me, I have yet to find someone I can't get along with to a lesser or greater degree. I've been told I'm a good person who always has the best in mind for everyone.

One of my friends, also an INFP, came to me a few weeks ago while I was bartending (ESFP's make perfect bartenders, I am told), called me up for a short 1-on-1 and he warned me about the INFP girl and me and how we spend time together, as he had the idea that the INFP girl was using me, because I always help her out with stuff she asks me to do. I told him I can take care of myself well enough and that he should not worry about me (it felt good that somebody actually took the time to talk to me about it though, made me feel there are more people that care about me than I think :) )

Now, anyway, after that wall of text... On to your question about how to approach and advise your ESFP friend.

I think the best thing to do is, as said before, ask him to have a chat with you somewhere private, so nobody else can hear or interfere. Tell him about your concerns (be sure to tell him it's YOUR feelings and idea, not what you think he is feeling or thinking).

Start sentences with "I feel ..." or "I think ..." and be sure to give your friend room to react as well. Just talk with him without raising your voice or he will do the same and that is something you do not want, as he'll probably not pay attention to what you are saying anymore, but how you are saying it, which will most likely get him riled up.

If this happens, it's best to tell him talking won't work like this and try again another day. Be sure he knows YOU are the one concerned about him and that YOU tell him because you want to help him. I, at least, am very sensitive to how friends think I'm doing, so if they think I'm doing bad, I'll try and work on it.

Also, make sure he understands your concern and, again, let him voice his opinion and feelings and listen to them.

I hope this helps you in some way :)
 
#75 ·
Hey I have an ESFP friend (possible boyfriend maybe) and he's aware that I'm an INFJ.

Anyway, how do you ESFPs like to be approached when you're feeling down/upset or something along those lines?
Do you like it if I was abit more "impulsive" like ringing him to ask what's wrong - the idea of attention/feeling wanted or cared for?
OR
Do you prefer to be left alone and think to yourselves?

I was texting him not long ago;

Him: "Im ok. Singing up for fall classes" (my suspicion went up because he normally says "Good :)" etc)
Him: "Sorry im not really in the mood to talk today"
Me: "Yeah I was about to text you whats up :/ I had a feeling something was bothering you. Want me to give you some space to think? Im always here to listen if you want to get it off your chest *hugs*"

Nothing else after that atm...

I really do care for this guy :( Normally we text and skype each other nearly everyday. We live very far away from each other so I can't physically comfort him as much as I'd like to :/ He's normally quite talkative. I know he has arguments with him mum quite often but most of the time he'd still talk to me even if he had an argument with his mum. OR is he upset with me? o.o

I'm sorry if this seems like I'm making a big deal out of it, I just have my gut feels that there's something odd (but I know I tend to worry more than I should) I just want to make sure I deal this the right way because I don't want to upset him even more when my intentions are good.
 
#76 ·
Hey Hannah, I think I can help you with this one :)

As an ESFP I always like getting attention (believe me, if he really does not want to be bothered, he probably wouldn't even respond. If he still responds, he secretly likes the fact you care for him and worry about him <If he is anything like me, I must add.>.

ESFP's really like spontaneous stuff, like random calls and things (Spontaneous, random stuff is in our nature ;) )

And don't worry, even íf you upset him, He'll have forgotten about it in no time... (I once sent a friend home after I got really bothered with her... 15 mins later I was texting her and asking her to come back as I felt really bad about sending her away XD)

I hope this helps a bit :) If you have any further questions, you can always ask!
 
#79 ·
So I had a very complicated Best-Friendship with an ESFP,who I fell deeply in love with(but was a horrible jealous monster) and who well led me on but that doesn't matter what matters is this year I forgot to say happy Birthday to him(Now we haven't hung out or anything but we did periodically check in with each other on facebook,see what we were doing etc.) I happened to be busy on his birthday,but then the day after I went to tell him happy delayed(a teeny joke i'm sure he'd forgotten) birthday and found out that he blocked/deleted me off of facebook,and then just unfriended me(which was weird because it happened when I wrote something on here about it,it wouldn't suprise me if he's read my posts on here,he used to always find/read my blogs,even when we wern't friends) But Do you think I hurt him by not saying happy birthday?But if I did only hurt him by not saying happy birthday wouldn't he of re-added me? Or is there like something about his life now he wouldn't want me to know(Perhaps he's gay now,idk his sexuality has always been dicey)Or ashe just moved on from caring about me? He no longer cares to know who I am anymore?


It just makes me sad.I miss him sometimes,I really wished I never fell for him so we could of remained friends/friendly he's honestly one of the best people i've ever known.
 
#80 ·
@Milkshakes: Haha, yeah, I have no idea... XD in the "You know you are an ESFP when..." thread, a lot of INFP's also pop in and say how much they like being around ESFP's.... Some kind of natural attraction or something...? XD
@Calvaire: Ah yes, the jealousy bit I can see in myself as well... I used to become really jealous when my INFP friend decided to spend more time with her ex than with me... I'm over that now though, finally XD I don't think he's defriended you just because of a belated Happy Birthday... Those kind of things don't bother me in the slightest at least... I have the feeling there is something way deeper behind it...
It could be because he finds it awkward you are/were in love with him. I have difficulty hanging around with people who have a crush on/love me when it's not mutual, as I don't want to hurt them in any way or lead them on (but I generally do still, subconsciously...), so that makes it quite awkward at times...
I hope this advice helped you somehow.

And @hannahthatswong: I'm sorry I havn't responded to your private message, but I can't before I've reached 15 posts on the forum... XD Thanks for it though! ^^
 
#81 ·
@Milkshakes: Haha, yeah, I have no idea... XD in the "You know you are an ESFP when..." thread, a lot of INFP's also pop in and say how much they like being around ESFP's.... Some kind of natural attraction or something...? XD
We can't help it (or I can't, anyway :p) there's just something about you guys.
 
#89 ·
@ThatOne: D'awww, thanks :3 But, like I said, its pretty striking that it's all INFP's saying it XD
I have to admit, I haven't really noticed the amount of INFPs doing it, though now that I think about it... there are quite a few of us hanging around. :p

Idk. In my opinion, you guys just have this kind of cheerful, fun, exciting energy about you. I think it might draw some of us (or, rather, a lot of us ;) ) INFPs in. But that's just speculation. I can't speak for the entire INFP population. ;P
 
#83 ·
@Daereon I actually was the one that had the worse jealousy issue(we were teenagers and I was a VERY unhealthy INFP),he was jealous also but would of never admitted it.Also we were in contact for four years prior to this with him knowing I USED to be in love with him,i'm not anymore I still have love for him,but he is definetly not someone I would ever want to romantically/physically be with ever.I just miss the friendship that we had and would love to be able to have that,his actions just confuse me he's done this whole deleting me thing before but usually will add me back.Maybe he has just moved on and doesn't care anymore I'm guessing,which is sad but it is what it is.I would love to re-add him on facebook or send him a message but i'm not sure that'd be the right thing to do.
 
#95 ·
You know, I love to hate ESFPs. On one hand our interests are completely opposed, but on the other somehow we have things to talk about even if it's not the philosophical or existential crap I love and she tries to pretend to care. I started out not liking her because her artless charm smelled plastic from a mile away and it took me years to figure out unlike other people, she's real. Sometimes she frustrates me with her extreme idealism. She's never had a boyfriend but insists that one day she's going to have her romcom happy ending, and remains unreservedly optimistic that a guy will come and sweep her off her feet without any initiative on her part even when I try to explain to her the reason romcoms are so appealing is because they present an idealized version of what romance is like, which incidentally means it doesn't happen this way in real life.

She said "awwwww", which is her equivalent of LALALA NOT LISTENING (or: While that's all very interesting, let's not talk about this anymore...) and my face just about hit the keyboard. I don't think I've met a person more receptive to criticism to the extent I actually felt bad for it. She made an INTJ feel bad. That just doesn't happen everyday. When she asked me to critique her college essay, I was brutal: "Don't say it this way. You don't have a distinct voice. Colleges don't care about the technical details of your research in an essay about intellectual exploration." "Did you read the second paragraph?" "Honestly, I couldn't get to it. I got lost somewhere between the first sentence and all the medical jargon you threw in there". As always, she doesn't like to disagree with criticism even though sometimes I might have gone overboard.

She is always humble, but doesn't let anything get her down, and even very easily criticizes herself. She might feel very bad about it in the moment but she always picks herself up, a rare, underrated and often unnoticed ability. She's the one person I can't offend if I don't try to (and I usually don't, but some end up offended anyway. Can't please everyone) and I absolutely have never seen her get into ego pissing contests with anybody, something I can't even claim for myself even though it's a virtue I hold as essential to being a mature person. Her simple self-assuredness, under the appearance of humility and openness, is truly admirable.

That's not to say she never annoys me. She still does, with her constant need to have everyone around her, and how she's so self-effacing that anyone can say anything and she'll agree with it, and how she's just so goddamnit unsubtle in thought. But on the other hand she has my utmost admiration in her ability to survive and thrive in this world. She's never the conventionally smart type and knows she's not anything impressive, intellectually, even though many look up to her as a genius because she's the salutatorian. She would readily acknowledge I'm the smarter one and I took pride that at least somebody knows it, and it's amazing coming from the Queen of Academic Excellence herself, when my own grades were not impressive.

I told her all of this once, over Skype, and that was perhaps the one time I gushed so much about her virtues when she might have thought I look down upon her. She said she felt inadequate next to me, but what she didn't know is though I have something she doesn't, she also has an innate strength and resilience I can only dream about. When I told her the contents of this post, she was so happy and appreciative that she actually made me feel like a better person. She then told me: "I have many friends, but sometimes I feel only you really care, even though you seem like you don't." That made my day. Strange how it works out, that your opposite type reads you so easily while people who share more of your preferences don't.

I realize this is not actually a question. Now I want an ESFP friend in my college because she's not there :(
 
#97 ·
My older brother needs some serious help! He really likes this INFP girl, but let's just say there are some... technical details getting in the way. Some small, minor barriers... ok, she already has a boyfriend.

If you've ever heard the song Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney, that basically sums up his opinion of her. I've never seen him so determined/serious about his affection for someone. I tried pointing out other girls, but he's not listening to me. Well, not really. He kinda pretends he is, but he never really goes after them. I asked our older ISTJ sister and she said he just needed to face reality and that he would get over it. I don't agree though. It's different to the times he used to admire the girls he knew he couldn't have.

I like the girl a lot too! She's really nice to me, and she treats me like an adult, not a 5 year old like my parents do. >_< She looked after me sometimes with my brother. Also, her and my brother have a lot of fun. He was calling her one of his closest friends within two days of meeting her, though I think the idea took longer to grow on her. :tongue: They're really cute together. He makes her happy and vice versa.

What advice can you give him? :/ I don't like seeing him sad. Is there any way for him to get her?
 
#99 ·
I don't want to quote @Persephone's post and then reply to it in that fashion, so let me just hope Persephone is reading this and then take it from here:

Your description of your mentality most likely fits the way that one of my friends sees me. And as a fellow ESFP, I kind of just want to throw out there that we do not like feeling judged for our lack of interest in a good deal of complex matters, but also that just because we aren't as interested in them as often as you other personality types, does not mean we are totally uncapable - you just really have to catch us in the right context and at the right time, to tap into our intellectual sides.

We also tend to know that bringing up any dissatisfaction with someone who knows more about dissecting opinions and countering them - such is the art of debate - is putting ourselves at risk of a lecture, or a long winded discussion we did not sign up for. I know I do this with my more introverted, intellectual/thinking-oriented friends. Let me just say, you people kind of make us feel inferior, a bit more than we let on.
 
#102 ·
We also tend to know that bringing up any dissatisfaction with someone who knows more about dissecting opinions and countering them - such is the art of debate - is putting ourselves at risk of a lecture, or a long winded discussion we did not sign up for. I know I do this with my more introverted, intellectual/thinking-oriented friends. Let me just say, you people kind of make us feel inferior, a bit more than we let on.
I think I'm certainly one of those people who tends to lecture people... :/
The thing with my ESFP friend is that he can't make connections as fast as I do.
Crude example: When I see a teacup on his counter and I see a little crack in it, I think about how that is going to make a leak in the cup eventually and make a stain on the carpet, so I buy a new carpet for him even though nothing has broken yet. In this situation, my ESFP friend doesn't understand why I bought the carpet.
The same goes for my thinking 'flow'; I go from subject to subject quickly, drawing conclusions and acting upon them, often leaving my ESFP friend either annoyed or looking sheepishly into space ignoring my debates.

I think that's the difference between N and S, not necessarily T/F though?
 
#113 ·
My sister is an ISFJ, and I love her, she's f**king great! I have ISFJ-friends too. You always think about what is best for everyone in a situation, (but yourself.
..that is not good, but I know you can learn - same is for us esfp's.) and you are very reliable, and 1000 other great stuf!
 
#114 ·
What advice can you give me for addressing an issue with an ESFP? Dos and Don'ts. I don't want her to feel attacked.
 
#116 ·
I'm ENTJ/P dating an ESPF. Things are great now and the chemistry is fantastic but I am a little concerned that later on after the honeymoon phase wares off she may start to get bored of me and I will start to crave the intellectual and deep conversations that don't come naturally to her. I am a fun and spontaneous person as well; I'm not cold and calculating. However, I am less in touch with my feelings than she is and I can be critical (both of myself and others).

Advice?
 
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