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Hello ESTJs.

Need your advice.

Summary: ENFP mum wants to help her sincere ESTJ teen child achieve her highest potential. Seeks your advice on how to go about doing so.

Background: ENFP mum, INTP dad and ESTJ child. Academically forward family. Child with great big dreams of getting 'recognition in the world, some day'. Very balanced, mature child, however.

Warning: Long context below.

CONTEXT:
My child - going into her teens - I suspect, is an ESTJ. She is very responsible (has always been), mature with what she says and doesn't say, has great discernment around what to share with people (how much and with whom and when), knows to be diplomatic when necessary (to get the job done) and loves the people in her life (though she isn't quick to share much at all about her personal space). She values the family structure, has a fairly linear sort of cause-->effect connections in her thinking, can handle complex operational tasks systematically, has the greatest respect for time and for institutions, respects other people who are worthy of it.

Many wonderful ESTJ qualities.

BUT, she is not a fighter-to-the-top sort of competitive girl. She sets herself high standards, and works systematically towards meeting them, but doesn't have that drive to cross the i's, dot the t's and do the last 10% polishing to go from a 90% level of preparation to a rock solid 100% level. To her, time is so important that if it is spent too much on polishing, it feels like a waste. Plus, the monotony of books-based work bores her, I think. (She never complains, so I don't know for sure. But it seems like that to me.)
Unless, of course, "the teacher said that polishing was an important step" prior to going for a test or doing a project. Then, she gives her 105%, if there is such a thing! Her teachers love her to bits!

But where the ask/demand doesn't come from outside, her achievements are always 5% to 10% short of her potential. This burns me as a parent, because I know that she wishes to be right up there at the top and was working towards it the whole time. After multiple instances of settling at a 90-95th percentile range, she now believes that this is all she is capable of being. WHICH IS JUST NOT TRUE! I know I am not overestimating her, because when I have sat with her to ensure the polishing is done, the results are truly reflective of her real potential. But she argues in her mind that her best results only happen when mum helps. Which, of course, isn't helpful at her age. I no longer think it is good for me to actively help her with her studying (she is a teen!), so I don't really help her much unless I feel that she is in danger of destroying her own self-confidence. In topics that are her weak areas, I help her early by reminding her that she needs to put timetables in place and working with her to ensure that she doesn't let the 'boring subjects' slip. Once put on track, she does the work. If I feel she isn't comprehending something correctly, I step in and help. I am happy to help with the learning. But I don't want to help with the goal-chasing itself - those standards are for her to set and work towards.

I am an ENFP. My husband is an INTP. Between us parents, I use my Te a lot lot better than he does, to provide structure and organization and a sense of reliability to her. But you can imagine. How good can an ENFP's structure be? Only mediocre... so I always feel that I am not giving her the right environment to bloom. I am very conscious of how important it is for her that we are reliable and am constantly fighting my own instincts, and doing things more systematically. Honestly, it is only working about 30% of the time when it comes to the 'small things'. But I NEVER LET HER DOWN in anything important.

To support her ESTJ nature:
I give her responsibilities bigger than what most parents give their children and trust her with far bigger things than other parents do. This makes her feel good and she has told me as much. She totally keeps up her end in these matters.

But when it comes to books-based education, I would like her to somehow put the finishing touches without balking.

In general, she does things fast and reliably. If an authority figure wanted her to do it perfectly and explicitly said so, she will work on the perfection bits too. Otherwise, her default behaviour is to do efficient work within a given amount of time and not work towards perfection itself. Is this typical of ESTJ children? My adult-ESTJ friends are such perfectionists!!! How does that happen?

As ESTJs, what suggestion would you have for this mother? I so want to help this sincere, wonderful child be the best that she can be! I so want her to find areas that she will be a natural at, so that she can excel in them effortlessly! Recognition is important to her, I know. But she sometimes has a 90% attitude towards excellence... so her results show exactly that. How can I help her believe in herself more powerfully and find the intrinsic motivation to manifest her best self? Right now, she is settling for too little...


(Please don't judge me as a "Tiger Mom". I am only seeking to help my child be her best. I am not interested in her achievements for my own sake... neither do I love her any more or any less because of her results in academic efforts. I respect her individuality. I want to do the right steps to help her be her best self. Please help me.)
 

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Hi there ! A question to any ESTJ willing to reply to. How do you think Ne and Fi appears in your daily life ? Do you even think these functions are part of your used ones ?

Thanks !
 

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Infractionated
I drive a blue tricycle with a gold bell.
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Are there any active estj's?

If so, can I email you a question... or rather questions?
 

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Hi, ESTJs!

I have been dating for almost 1 year... He took the test and he got ENTJ (I asked him to) and from that moment on I started questioning if the result was accurate...

What I think is: he displays another personality when he is with me, I guess he shows himself as an ESTJ most of the time... So the deal is with the auxiliary function: is he Si or Ni??? I DONT KNOW.

He enjoys theology and philosophy BUT I think he approaches those topics in such a practical way that I cant see his Ni displaying... I also think that if he in fact was an ENTJ he would probably understand (and also relate to) my Ne problems (but from an introspective point of view).

Long story short, although he likes "abstract" subjects, I think he approaches it in a sensor way... I'm also afraid he leaves me only with the fun part of his life, saving deep discussions to his theologians friends... but maybe he's being real and so he is not an ENTJ but an ESTJ instead! hahahaha

What do you think? Any ESTJs here have an academic and philosophycal career?

heeeeeeeeelp! :D
 

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What do you think? Any ESTJs here have an academic and philosophycal career?
heeeeeeeeelp! :D
You're in luck. I'm in academia and one of my male colleagues is ESTJ and has a PhD in philosophy.
Having said that, he's got a razor-sharp mind, but is clearly a sensor. Regardless of who he's speaking to (and he does adjust according to his intended audience), but it's always "This is A, and then we do B, and so C happens", etc. Very linear (which as a fellow SJ, I appreciate a great deal).
 

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Hi ESTJs, What is your mental process when you get into a relationship? What makes you decide it is an exclusive one?
 

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King of Seduction
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Cross posted in the ISTJ forum, I think said person is xSTJ - so insight would be appreciated.

Alright I am going to post here despite the fact that this area seems as dead as the ENTJs area haha.

So here goes. There has been a girl in my life for years, decades.
She was literally the first person in my adult life that I considered making my gf, I never told her that.
I was young, I felt like it was corny - I never took her for a girl that liked corny shit. She always made me feel - young.

She had her stuff together, always seemed like a step a head of me. Graduated from school before me - bachelors. Graduated from Law school before I became a Chiro. Got a BMW when I was driving a old truck. Got a house when I was still living in an apartment.

Going back in time - when we were young. She was just about to go to Law school and that's the first time we admitted to liking one another despite having mutual friends. We were still going to clubs, we danced, we flirted before but she seemed bigger than me and I couldn't get a read on her. Weeks before she left, we messed around. I wasn't sure if it was just the alcohol in us, but to make a long story short it didn't go well because her mom busted us making out at her apartment as she kicked everyone partying out one morning.

So I was like crap - we ended our time before she left, with her saying we could go out and get a beer. It was Modelo Especial, I remember how radiant she was that night and it was intimidating. Anyway, her being the one ahead of me dropped me off. She literally told me before we left - so are you going to kiss me or what? And so we did and that was the last time I'd see her for years. We kept in contact via text for months and just faded away. It was before social media was big so it was literally just a void, no long distance stuff. I met someone else and was with them for many years before we split.

I finally graduated from school, now social media is popular. I found her as she and I have mutual friends. We caught up. I moved back to our home city. We met up - now she was an attorney. Still a step a head. She was proud that I had a degree but I felt ashamed that I wasn't where I wanted to be. I still liked her but I wasn't sure if she liked me.

She actually became a patient of mine after a car accident - my first car accident patient. I was a freaking fledgling chiro and I wasn't even sure if what I was doing helped her. I felt close to her but was still unsure about her feelings towards me.

We sort of keep in contact now. I moved away to a city about 2 hours from her. I am now where I want to be. Car, House - I have my stuff on par with her. Now she's next leveling me and is super fit, and I'm like fuck. I feel like she always raises the bar somehow.

Getting older now and she is too. I know she's single because I literally saw her profile on tinder, I literally had no idea if she was prior to that. Even being social media friends, she's pretty private about her personal life... despite having like thousands of friends on social media now. (I never saw her as such a social butterfly but I think it's because she has an objective).

I had her take the personality test: She tested ISTJ-T
It's not surprising, I like her and really always have.
She has no kids like me, we're both career professionals, obviously there was attraction before any of that transpired.
We have mutual friends, like it all lines up.

Confounding factors include, she knows I've had gfs and remained friends with her and we live in different cities.
From my standpoint - she's obscure and flighty but I've always liked that she was direct when she wanted something.
It's almost like I just want her to tell me what she wants but I can't pry it out of her.
I miss the days when she was like "so are you going to kiss me?"

How do I approach this confusing woman?
 

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What is the key to not worrying about how other people will react/take something?
How don't you worry about what others say or think? ...And might you have some advice on how to stop I'm sorry

Also... Are you guys (and gals!) really secretly a big fluffy teddy bear underneath?
 
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