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Discussion Starter #1
The idea for this was brought up a few days ago.
The notion was received well, so I figured I'd get us started.

Here is a thread for general relationship questions for INFJs! All types may post here. Hopefully, this thread will soon be a repository of knowledge and opinion, for all who stumble across it to examine and learn from.

Examples:
"What pros/cons might there be in a XXXX/INFJ relationship?"
"Which aspects of a XXXX might an INFJ appreciate the most?"
"Here is my personal situation with an INFJ relationship... any tips on how to handle it?"
"Please help me understand... why are you guys so awesome/frustrating/nuts/etc. in relationships?"
...and so forth!

INFJs, feel free to respond and/or post your own advice and personal experience on how to approach and/or care for our ever-complex type. After all, we tend to be quite the romantics...

Thanks, everyone!
 

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Because having a centralized thread seems like a great idea, I feel like I need to come up with a question to help encourage it. :)

While I don't expect such a thing to happen yet, what would you say would be signs of an impending proposal from an INFJ? We've been together for around four months, thus my not expecting any such thing for some time, but given that we're already spending so much time together and he has said some very special things, I'm curious as to what things to look for. (And no, ring sizing is not the answer; I'm a junkie for rings to wear in my medieval re-enactment group.)

(re: time together, where a lot = Tuesday, Thursday, Friday evenings, most of Saturday & Sunday minus if he gets called in and family time, chatting online Monday and Wednesday and talking on the phone for fifteen minutes on weekday mornings. For two introverts. Hrm.)
 

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Because having a centralized thread seems like a great idea, I feel like I need to come up with a question to help encourage it. :)

While I don't expect such a thing to happen yet, what would you say would be signs of an impending proposal from an INFJ? We've been together for around four months, thus my not expecting any such thing for some time, but given that we're already spending so much time together and he has said some very special things, I'm curious as to what things to look for. (And no, ring sizing is not the answer; I'm a junkie for rings to wear in my medieval re-enactment group.)

(re: time together, where a lot = Tuesday, Thursday, Friday evenings, most of Saturday & Sunday minus if he gets called in and family time, chatting online Monday and Wednesday and talking on the phone for fifteen minutes on weekday mornings. For two introverts. Hrm.)
This isn't "concrete" but I would look for more "staying at home" then going out, less "spending" of money basically, meaning saving up for something else. Just a thought though. :)
 

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Euhm, I'd say nothing :)

We can be pretty overwhelming :p

I proposed while he was on the toilet :), with a writing painted on the door of our toilet (i painted the door black and written in white, and it's still there) :

17-03-2011

A day filled with prime numbers
which you know,
can only be divided by 1
and themselves.

As much as I love prime numbers,
I love you more,
because although my numeric preference
defines me.

You define me more.

And the time has come
to surround our love
with 5 children
present on our
prime number wedding day.
<HIs Name>, I love you with all I am,
all our forgiveness and all our sorrow
for the pain we have shared

But most of all - the joy
we bring every day….

Will you marry me
on that special day,
with our 5 lovely monsters.

Just say "arrr"


Oh, and he didn't see that one coming ;-)
 

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Like any relationship, one being with an INFJ as well. Patience, tolerance, communication, and work for any relationship to last.
 

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Because having a centralized thread seems like a great idea, I feel like I need to come up with a question to help encourage it. :)

While I don't expect such a thing to happen yet, what would you say would be signs of an impending proposal from an INFJ? We've been together for around four months, thus my not expecting any such thing for some time, but given that we're already spending so much time together and he has said some very special things, I'm curious as to what things to look for. (And no, ring sizing is not the answer; I'm a junkie for rings to wear in my medieval re-enactment group.)

(re: time together, where a lot = Tuesday, Thursday, Friday evenings, most of Saturday & Sunday minus if he gets called in and family time, chatting online Monday and Wednesday and talking on the phone for fifteen minutes on weekday mornings. For two introverts. Hrm.)
If I were going to propose (and I have considered it before), I would ask my partner questions about the future, what they want, what they imagine it'd be like, and see if their answers include me in it/match with what I'd like in the future. Depending on how "strong" the answers are, I'd probably then proceed with the proposal.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Because having a centralized thread seems like a great idea, I feel like I need to come up with a question to help encourage it. :)

While I don't expect such a thing to happen yet, what would you say would be signs of an impending proposal from an INFJ?
Probably a question better answered by people who have actually proposed in the past - though I did ask someone to go to prom with me once! So I'll answer in case I have anything interesting to say... ;p

Personally, I'd probably act excited for no reason on pretty much a regular basis... because I'd be preemptively happy and thinking about our future together. But then, I also might be very nervous and start reading into things unnecessarily... so in general I might be even more moody than usual because of heightened emotion.

I might also bring up things we could do together far in the future more often, like going on a trip to a different country or even postulating on how I might decorate a house. Bigger things than "oh, we should see that movie when it comes out at Thanksgiving..."

Hmm... also I might want to spend more time with my partner's family? Since I'd be about to permanently make them my family, too.

I'm not sure if any of those things are INFJ specific - just my two cents!
 

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As far as proposing goes...knowing me, I'd probably be really, really nervous for a couple weeks while thinking of how to do it. I have to spend some time stuck in my own head, panicking, and over-analyzing all the possible outcomes before doing anything that big. :laughing:

Though I did blurt out, "Will you marry me?" once after taking a bite of a ridiculously spectacular dinner my boyfriend cooked for me one night. I was not being serious (a couple glasses of Chianti also preceded this), but he seemed to appreciate the compliment to his cooking all the same. :laughing:
 

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I might also bring up things we could do together far in the future more often, like going on a trip to a different country or even postulating on how I might decorate a house. Bigger things than "oh, we should see that movie when it comes out at Thanksgiving..."

Hmm... also I might want to spend more time with my partner's family? Since I'd be about to permanently make them my family, too.

I'm not sure if any of those things are INFJ specific - just my two cents!
So... trying to decide whether to plan a trip to the UK or Italy might be significant? Or that we keep not managing to put together a dinner where I'd be his parents? :)

Unfortunately, the money saving one is pretty well a tough sign to spot; he suddenly had some student loans come up that he thought were settled and is looking for a better paying job to take care of that.

Thank you all for your responses. :)
 
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So... trying to decide whether to plan a trip to the UK or Italy might be significant? Or that we keep not managing to put together a dinner where I'd be his parents? :)

Unfortunately, the money saving one is pretty well a tough sign to spot; he suddenly had some student loans come up that he thought were settled and is looking for a better paying job to take care of that.

Thank you all for your responses. :)
Everyone's different and it depends on how you're raised honestly.

But our Fe makes us want to have a proposal be special <3
 

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Discussion Starter #11
So... trying to decide whether to plan a trip to the UK or Italy might be significant? Or that we keep not managing to put together a dinner where I'd be at his parents? :)

Unfortunately, the money saving one is pretty well a tough sign to spot; he suddenly had some student loans come up that he thought were settled and is looking for a better paying job to take care of that.

Thank you all for your responses. :)
The UK/Italy trip is pretty significant just on a general relationship level. Is it still theoretical or are plans coming to fruition? Even if he doesn't have a proposal specifically in mind, going on that kind of trip would certainly test/grow your relationship in great new ways. But then, if it's still theoretical - that's still a good sign, in my opinion. He's thinking long-term enough to want to experience the world with you.

That's the thing, it's sort of an indeterminable leap between "I want to spend my future with you" and "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He may not have fully formed the second notion yet, but the first is still pretty great. Besides, you have only been together for four months.

Personally, I think if I were trying to make that commitment, I'd definitely try to mash our families together a bit, though it does depend on how well people get along... and, of course, whether or not it works out schedule-wise. I mean, I've been dating my ISTJ for a month or two (depending on where you draw the line). He's met the majority of my family, but one of my brothers has been out of town. I have yet to meet any of his family, but that's because of scheduling issue and such, too. I'm sure it'll happen eventually. My point is... uh, family is good, hahaha.

I do think the money thing could be a bit misleading, I mean, we should really all be trying to save money in general these days, haha.
 

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The UK/Italy trip is pretty significant just on a general relationship level. Is it still theoretical or are plans coming to fruition? Even if he doesn't have a proposal specifically in mind, going on that kind of trip would certainly test/grow your relationship in great new ways. But then, if it's still theoretical - that's still a good sign, in my opinion. He's thinking long-term enough to want to experience the world with you.

That's the thing, it's sort of an indeterminable leap between "I want to spend my future with you" and "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He may not have fully formed the second notion yet, but the first is still pretty great. Besides, you have only been together for four months.

Personally, I think if I were trying to make that commitment, I'd definitely try to mash our families together a bit, though it does depend on how well people get along... and, of course, whether or not it works out schedule-wise. I mean, I've been dating my ISTJ for a month or two (depending on where you draw the line). He's met the majority of my family, but one of my brothers has been out of town. I have yet to meet any of his family, but that's because of scheduling issue and such, too. I'm sure it'll happen eventually. My point is... uh, family is good, hahaha.

I do think the money thing could be a bit misleading, I mean, we should really all be trying to save money in general these days, haha.
Firstly: Grr. My work has a login for certain sites, and it expired and ate my post, so I must rewrite it. Blast.

The Europe trip is definitely in a weird middle ground. :) We're planning a smaller trip, to Toronto in October for sure. For the other, we've gotten to the point of talking actual destination cities and such, I think the financing part is a little weird. I make much more money than he does, and obviously it's not one pot of money, so... we haven't talked about that, I just kind of feel like we've been dancing around it. And the desire to travel together was really one of the things that cemented in my mind that I had no chance to resist this relationship. We had been describing places we'd been to and enjoyed and there was just this deep desire to see them with him.

I am not chomping at the bit; I just was trying to think of a real question to help get the ball rolling on the thread. I have been enjoying the responses, but I am not anxious or impatient for this to come to pass. I have little in the way of a mental time table, though I would not be surprised by any time within the next year, as long as nothing substantially changes in a negative fashion. (How's that for an INTJ turn of phrase?)

Meeting his family is definitely going to be a big thing for me, because I know that he's very close to them. There have been two abortive attempts, and I think what I want to point out to him is that it's more likely to happen if I have a definite day and time, heh.

There have definitely been other things that I find significant: I've had the childhood tour ("This is where I lived until I was seven", "here's my elementary school", etc), and we've been trying to introduce his dog to my cats. These are good things.

When he is ready, he will be ready.
 
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A relationship question about how to get along with another human can be a metaphor for the deeper question of how to get along with one's self.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Firstly: Grr. My work has a login for certain sites, and it expired and ate my post, so I must rewrite it. Blast.
I hate when that happens! My second-time-written posts always have an air of "damn it all," hahaha.

We had been describing places we'd been to and enjoyed and there was just this deep desire to see them with him.
I feel the same way in my relationship. I understand the money issues can be a bit tricky but if discussed calmly I'm sure you'll be glad you figured it out. I hope you trip to Canada is lovely! :)

I am not chomping at the bit; I just was trying to think of a real question to help get the ball rolling on the thread. I have been enjoying the responses, but I am not anxious or impatient for this to come to pass. I have little in the way of a mental time table, though I would not be surprised by any time within the next year, as long as nothing substantially changes in a negative fashion. (How's that for an INTJ turn of phrase?)
Haha, I totally understand. When given a question like this though I do often get a bit imaginative! And thank you for getting the ball rolling, I do appreciate it.

Meeting his family is definitely going to be a big thing for me, because I know that he's very close to them. There have been two abortive attempts, and I think what I want to point out to him is that it's more likely to happen if I have a definite day and time, heh.
Ahh, you should definitely let him know that. INFJs can really have a "I don't want to be a bother" complex sometimes. He might not be sure how excited you are to meet his family, and he might not want to be too pushy. I know I personally love it when someone tells me, essentially, "you name the place and time, and I'll be there enthusiastically." Otherwise I can do a lot of hmm-ing and haw-ing, because I don't want to be a bother...

When he is ready, he will be ready.
Indeed he will! By the way, congrats on your happy relationship so far. He seems like a pretty cool dude. 8)
 

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I decided to put this here instead of the Counsel thread, since it's more relationship-y.

I'm baffled, and not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.

My boyfriend is ENTJ. He's gentle and patient, though emotional things tend to baffle him. We're long distance at the moment. I told him that phone calls were hard for me, and that I'd like to see if there was another way to communicate, like Skype or through an IM program, and that I'd like to spend more time with him in general. I didn't get a definitive reply from him on what he'd prefer, though he's been calling less now. Whenever we do talk, he seems happy to speak with me (as am I). He tends not to respond to emails, though he'll say he noticed them over the phone, and doesn't address anything else in them. He also says communicating through just text is hard for him, and he's often busy with work, as well.

I'm not quite sure how to respond to this. I would say he was pulling away, except when we do get a chance to talk, it's very warm. Any insights?
 

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I'm not quite sure how to respond to this. I would say he was pulling away, except when we do get a chance to talk, it's very warm. Any insights?
Hopefully an ENTJ will pass by (or an INTJ?) and give us some insight, but here's what I think in the meantime.

Its sounds to me like he's just really busy with work. I think it could be an N trait that it takes a really long time to respond to emails, and he might not have enough time to really focus enough to do that, and do it well. He also might be a little cautious around texts/IM for the same reason. It's a lot easier to get your point across accurately with vocal inflection.

Personally, I'd probably end up telling him something like, "I know that you're busy and stressed out at work, just know that I'm here when you need me..."

Which isn't directly applicable to the situation, but it's honestly what I'd probably do, haha. I probably wasn't of much help there...
 

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I decided to put this here instead of the Counsel thread, since it's more relationship-y.

I'm baffled, and not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.

My boyfriend is ENTJ. He's gentle and patient, though emotional things tend to baffle him. We're long distance at the moment. I told him that phone calls were hard for me, and that I'd like to see if there was another way to communicate, like Skype or through an IM program, and that I'd like to spend more time with him in general. I didn't get a definitive reply from him on what he'd prefer, though he's been calling less now. Whenever we do talk, he seems happy to speak with me (as am I). He tends not to respond to emails, though he'll say he noticed them over the phone, and doesn't address anything else in them. He also says communicating through just text is hard for him, and he's often busy with work, as well.

I'm not quite sure how to respond to this. I would say he was pulling away, except when we do get a chance to talk, it's very warm. Any insights?
Unfortunately, just the idea of not being able to communicate through text is enough to throw me a bit off. :(

I know with INTJs, saying what you mean directly is generally the best idea, though, which hopefully would be a good tack for a ENTJ.
 
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Well, texting can be a bit of a monetary concern if one doesn't have an unlimited texting plan... just a thought. I know I push my unlimited texting plan to the limit with my boyfriend, hahaha.

@Aizar, if you're feeling bold enough you could ask him an open-ended question about how he's feeling in the relationship? The conversation might lead to some helpful answers.
 

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Do INFJ's have a tendency to keep other options around and maybe even act on those options while waiting for the real thing to come along?

I met a very charming INFJ who was clearly attracted to me and admired me, but was out of state and so I wasn't going to pursue her unless it would be more regionally compatible. (Yes, that's a term I just made up; you can use it if you want ;) )

When we talked again she mentioned some other guy she had been going on dates with but broke it off because of a list of reasons that had her frustrated and emotional. She seemed to flirt with me the whole time, and after telling me about this guy I backed off (kinda cautious of the infamous "friend zone" and not entirely impressed that she would choose that kind of guy)...and it just made her seem even more flirty. I'm somewhat concerned at what appears to be her need for guy attention in this instance, and I can't tell if she really needs it, or just likes having it around. Does that make sense?

Is this her trying to give me some incentive to pursue? A hint that she doesn't see me in that way (despite all the flirting)? I mean, it's a horrible strategy to tell an ENTP about your guy troubles if you truly like him. Maybe she just enjoyed flirting with me? Or could she just be truly impressed with me, but not closing off her options in the mean time?

I read in an INFJ description that you guys are known for "playing the field" till someone right comes along. Can you help me understand what's happening?

THanks!
 
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